| Hello.
I am an almost 24 year old american female married to a 31 year old native-to-vietnam male.
We have been married just under 5 months together almost 3.5 years.
When we started dating, he just moved here from Russia and I just quit doing drugs and have since been sober. We had a tumultuous relationship from the start, with huge blowups and breakups regularly. He would often restrain me, sometimes I pushed back. If he didn't answer his phone I would search campus for him. I was jealous of one of his female co-workers. I had no other friends and only now am in contact with a female high school friend.
I was living on campus and then moved home.
We had sex 7 months in. It was an accident on his part because he didn't think it would go in easily. He was a virgin, I was not. The next morning we were having an issue with him restraining me and I took his penis and proceeded to have sex with him against his slight protests in retaliation. Since then the only instance of non-desired sex was a couple months into the marriage when he got mad at me for telling him that he had physically forced me into a chair, threw my diary, threw his glasses at me for making a face, threw a chair, then told me to look up divorce papers (I had never before considered divorce). I had decided to go through with the divorce. That same night had sex without resisting even though I didn't want to, and was unresponsive.
About a year into the relationship, I broke up with him. He came to see me and I slapped him when he tried to kiss me. He then pushed me down the hall towards a down-going flight of stairs.
About six months later, we were driving to his apartment, and I felt so overwhelmingly that I wanted to get away from him that I considered getting out of the car at a red light. When we got there I ran away. He pursued. I climbed over the backyard fence of a residence with the aid of a chair and he followed. He brought me back near the apartment. Something I said angered him and he slapped me very hard. I was calm and compliant for at least the rest of the night.
About 14 months ago on his birthday his friends decided to have an impromptu birthday dinner for him. He and I had celebrated his birthday the night before, and I already had plans to help a mutual friend learn how to drive. He answered my call when I had finished, didn't invite me and hurriedly got off. I was advised to wait for him to call me. He did not call me. I called him for 5 days and he never responded. I was in agony, sobbing at my internship. We ended up meeting at church through an acquaintance.
We moved in together 10 months ago and got married just under 5 months ago.
The next incident after marriage involved something, us having sex, him leaving without a word, me being upset and walking off, him looking for me and me returning 20 minutes later. After that we discussed that I was unhappy and divorce might be best.
I realize that unhappiness is not a reason for divorce and that happiness comes from the person.
He left only to return to sleep on the couch that night and then left again the next day to give me space. When he returned that evening, I told him I wanted divorce. He said he didn't and asked if we could give our marriage another chance. I agreed. He wouldn't go to counseling with me after we got married but before this when we were having other issues, said he would during this, but then wouldn't again afterwards.
One month later, three nights ago, we had another incident. We were on the couch after work, watching a movie. I noticed he was sleeping and was tired and tried to get up to go take a nap on the bed and he held me down and restrained me. I think I told him what I wanted to do. He wanted me to kiss him so that he would let me go but the way he was doing it made me uncomfortable. He thinks that that is me overreacting and that it is his right to restrain me whenever he wants. He has told my mom that sometimes he does things or frustrates me to teach me lessons, and said that I needed to be trained. I got away and went to the bedroom. He followed me and pinned me down, restraining me to the bed. I tried to get away and he again wanted me to kiss him but I wouldn't. He was trying to kiss me and I was turning my head repeatedly to avoid him. Eventually, I punched, or hit him with my fist, on the back five times. He was on top of me. Then, I did the same, twice, to his head. Then, I bit his lip. He still didn't let me go and was trying to kiss me. Eventually he stopped but was still restraining me. I apologized 20 minutes later but he did not. I felt so bad about hitting him that I started to think about suicide and look up methods online. The next day, after being prompted by a co-worker, I told him that he can't restrain me. He said he can. Last night I told him I want a divorce after talking to someone at work who thinks he is abusive and that my future would be negatively affected by having him in it.
Also, throughout the relationship there have been a couple periods where I was upset about the relationship and felt hopeless and that suicide would be easier than breaking up with him and would imagine ways of killing myself with my car, and when I would drive home from school I would be thinking about actually driving my car off the highway overpass.
Do you think counseling could save this marriage? My mother went through emotional and physical abuse with my father and I don't want to. I feel I made a mistake and want out, but not having tried counseling, and he said he would last night, I feel obligated to try, but son't want to and have no motivation or investment in the relationship. I feel like I haven't grown since I quit drugs, and don't know what's out there. I helped him improve his English and his green card came in the mail this week. Id we divorce, I would still be financially responsible for him.
Thank you. |
