| Hi, I really need any advice I can get. I really have no one else to talk to, I don't want to make my husband look bad to our friends and family, and I just feel stuck.
I really don't even know where to begin, I could write an entire book on the turbulence of our relationship. We have been married for one year and together for 9 (living together for 8 yrs total) He has always had serious insecurity, trust, and abandonment issues which I thought would decrease as our relationship continued. I myself have bipolar disorder and have been on med's and going to regular therapy sessions for about 3 years now, so I'm not perfect and have had my share of mess up's in our relationship but I decided I needed to get treatment and went out and got it. He on the other hand blames almost (95%) of everything on me alone, always makes himself out to be the victim, either looses his temper completly or is completly passive (like right now he is in the other room blasting rock songs that are singing about lying women who screw over the men they are with, no doubt he is doing it completly on purpose) and I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time. I am so exhausted both emotionally and physically and just can't deal with it anymore.
He has a college degree but graduated 5 years ago, since then he has been living off his left over college fund money and has not had a job. He keeps saying he's looking for a job etc. but he isn't. He doesn't help me clean or do anything around the house, he won't even make his own food. I literally do everything and if I don't then it doesn't get done. I go to school full time (double major), work part time, and do everything around the house. If I bring it up he either gets pissed off or says he'll help and never does. To make matters worse his dad comitted suicide 6 months ago and he has just gotten worse, hardly gets out of bed. He has also since become paranoid and convinces himself of things that didn't really happen. One of his friends gave us bed bugs (didn't tell my husband that his house was infested so they got brought back to our house) which got bad for a bit but then we got rid of them. However, he insists that they are crawling into his skin and living t here. When I showed him articles written on bed bugs and how they DO NOT live in peoples skin he just said they were wrong and that he has proof (he picks at his skin and collects any little speck of dirt). I researched and found out it is a condition where people convince themselves that bugs are living on them but it is hard to treat because they don't think that they are wrong. I kept trying to tell him that there were no bugs and that he was just mentally convincing himself and he blew up and almost divorced me. The only way I could get him to stop picking at his skin (and I mean severe picking, many open wounds and cuts all over his skin) was to basically agree with him but convince him the "bugs" were demodex (eyelash mite) that has gotten out of control due to stress, low immune system, etc. He has been using medication to heal his skin at least but there are no bugs at all.
Unfortunately he also convinces himself of things that are not true. He turns everything I do or say into "your lying to me" "your a liar", thinks I go out and cheat on him etc. or says that he hears me doing drugs when I'm not (I'm a recovered addict). If I say that he is wrong and that I'm not doing those things he just blows up and says "I heard you". I don't know what he's hearing but I was not doing any drugs. He also said I seen you hide something when I walked in, I was eating some breakfast and hid nothing. I feel like no matter what I do he is going to find something wrong or something to say I lied about, I can never do anything right even though I wait on him hand and foot. I know that this behavior is just enabling but it's the only way I can keep him somewhat clam and when he's not calm and fighting with me for days I can't concentrate on my school work and it triggers my bipolar disorder and go into a depressive state. His friends have approaced me and said tha t they are worried about him and can see that his mental state has changed but no one knows what to do because A) He won't acknowledge it, and B) He would never consent to get help. I have brought up marriage counseling and he just flips out, he won't go with me to my therapy sessions and just basically says I'm the one with the problems and not him. If I forced him/admitted him to get help he would go nuts and possible kill himself or divorce me. I have never wanted to leave him before, or even thought about it, I love him and we do have moments of greatness but lately those moments are rare.
I feel like I have to just give up my pride and agree to things that I didn't do or see to just keeps things civil. If I disagree with him about anything he flips out and I just don't want to live like this. He won't get help and I feel like why am I even married? I don't have a partner in life, he doesn't bring anything to the marraige except pain and anxiety and I feel like I'm raising a child and not growing together with an adult.
Sorry this is so long but I really don't have anyone else to talk to for advice and I'm reaching the end of my rope. I really do love my husband but I can't make him care about himself or our marraige, I can't make him want to do something with his life and I can't make him get help. Any advice would be appreicated, Thank You. |
