It started with "I'm not putting that in my mouth."
I discovered yesterday that my wife views me as a beta male, maybe even an omega.
This is going to be a long rambling post, and rather graphic, I've got so much in my head I don't know how to get it all out...
This realization that my dear wife regards me as a pathetic beta has knocked my wind out and and I'm still grappling to get my mind around it. How this realization happened is I think interesting.
I apologize in advance for the NC-17 rated graphic nature of this post, and the graphic material is relevant, and you've been warned, so back-click now if you can't take it.
So the context of this is, yesterday morning my wife offers to make herself available for sex. (I know, being available vs wanting is the first sign). With her generally there is little sophisticated foreplay (except that which benefits her... more on that later). Her idea of foreplay is to drop her clothes, lay on the bed buck naked and wait for me to 'do something'. I supposed that could be sexy especially if she did something interesting like fingering herself... but usually it's just lay there.
So yesterday, she drops her clothes, sits on the bed buck naked in front of me. Off comes my shorts and out pops the john-thomas smacking her right between her boobs. She grabs it, strokes it and says in a mildly "I'm not putting it (or that) in my mouth."
That statement hit me like a punch in the gut. There was nothing "hurtful" about the way she said it, it was a simple statement. (My wife is a hot south american... trust me, you know what she's feeling when she says something...) But it stuck in my head and turns out that statement was like a Rosetta stone to a bunch of stuff that's been floating around in my mind for a while.
I love sex, and have a high drive (duh, I'm a guy, right...) and my wife is hot. Really... she's hot. Every dude that posts about his wife or posts a pic thinks his wife is hot... but sorry dudes, 90% of those are not hot, maybe 10% are. She's in the 10%. Her at 40 after 13 years of marriage, I can't keep my hands off her. Even when I'm pissed at her, spooning and I get a rock hard boner that will last for hours (like 2, 3, 4 hours...). I would nail her every day, twice maybe three times a day if I could. She's maybe 20-25lb over the 110lb she was when I first met her, and guess what? Even sexier. Miraculously she's not flabby…but oh the curves in the right places. Before she was a hot girl, now she's a sexy woman. What man doesn't want a real woman?
...back to the relevant, graphic, backstory... so knowing my wife is somewhat of a clean/germ freak I think to myself, 'maybe it stinks bad or something?' so I surreptitiously give myself a good smell just to check, and nope... it's fine, so I kinda blow it off.
My wife is NOT averse to oral sex. She loves it particularly receiving, and she gives it too. With her though it's not often a mutual activity. She never volunteers 69 (which done right is heaven), I always have to pull her into 69. Her oral is like… like she's doing it for her own benefit. She gets aroused putting my it in her mouth, rubbing it around her lips, nose, all over her face, smacking herself with it, etc... but the way she does it… it seems like it's entirely about her experience. It can be sleep inducing...literally. And for the love of all that's holy-- put some spit it into it! Lubrication is not optional! I've told her this many times she doesn't seem to get it, maybe she's squeamish about her own spit or something...but what I don't get is often she wants me to come while she's doing oral, and if I do she really likes it...
An aside here: she loves me going down on her, and I'm good at it because I love doing it. Sex is just not done right if you don't go down on your woman. Every time. Period. I am ALWAYS up for going down on her any time (except when she's on her cycle and even then, it's like "how heavy is it?". Not bad? Panties off!) Forget about "did you wash"? Forget about "I just came back from the gym" forget about "I'm not so fresh since I didn't clean up after the last time we had sex"... Are you kidding me? Don't wash. Really. Mild rinsing good, scrubbing down, bad. It took me years to convince my wife to stop scrubbing herself with soap five times a day. It was like going down on a vagina-shaped bar of soap. When I finally got through to her that her scrubbing was accomplishing the opposite of what she intended (being sexy & feminine), not only did the oral get way better, but all yeast issues completely disappeared! Real men like the smell of their woman, heck real men LOVE it. Now I'm not talking about you peed all over yourself and forgot to wipe smell, or the you have an infection smell, but the natural, scent of a healthy woman...Bring. It. On. (All you dudes who think the above is gross…Sorry, but I think you're a *****).
Anyway we're kissing, touching, etc...but there's nothing going on... no electricity, little arousal for either of us. Now my wife's idea of foreplay generally is I "do something" to her, and sometimes she does something to me although usually 90% is her receiving... it's always felt a little one-sided and lazy on her part, but yesterday really solidified that observation for me, 'cause in reality, it's all about her.
Since the usual spark isn't sparking, I go down on her for quite some time and that gets the juices flowing. She starts getting into it. When she's not my wife will sucking her finger and/or thumb with her eyes closed. This never bothered me. Now it seemed so self-focused. She asks should she come first, orally. Normally this would hot me up because I know she's into it, but this time it struck me as so inwardly focused it was kind of a turnoff. Knowing that if she did come from oral that intercourse would be just going through the motions, I don't make her come. I put on a condom (we both love bareback but long story short we don't need more kids, neither one is comfortable going under the knife, and her hormones can't take the pill, so…). The stupid rubber is really desensitizing, so I pound her missionary but nothing much is happening. We move to cowgirl, she rides me hard and achieves orgasm while fingering herself. Eyes closed, no kissing (which squashes the intimacy) because I went down. Inward focused… almost like I was somewhat of a prop to the action. By this time I am kinda turned off/pissed and combined with the rubber, starting to lose it. So I flip her over, do her hard from behind for a little while trying to finish until I realize… duh… she already finished so she's not turned on with this, I gradually lose it and withdraw.
She said something like, "Oh, couldn't finish?" again no malice, just a statement. She doesn't offer any assistance, doesn't appear the least bit concerned (as she has in the past) that she didn't satisfy me.
Here's where it gets really interesting, and a little more NC-17…
The weird thing is this followed on about 5 days of crazy good sex. Like her wanting, initiating, being very active and her very much enjoying it (which is not merely an opinion, but something I can actually "tell" by available lubrication…). A couple of those days we went got it on twice in the same day. I was thinking "Yahoo!! Finally, a second honeymoon!" We made it through a lot of ups and downs and fought through tenaciously to make it for about 6-7 years… and I'm thinking, OMG, thank you! This is what marriage should be like. I am not naïve to believe it's going to be like that every day… but our pattern was somewhat boring sex maybe a couple times a week with lots of gaps where there would be a week or more with no physical intimacy. And maybe crazy good sex every other month or so (crazy good as in the kind of love-making you think about for days after). All of a sudden it's like BAM, crazy good sex 5 days in a row. And she was into it, really into it… Asked to take pictures, video, etc. She's replaying it while we're doing it, and getting hotter! This was a new thing, but it was spicy so I went with it. In retrospect though it seemed self-focused again… she got turned on seeing herself do stuff, or by explicit pictures or her own body.
So next thing I know, she asks me to bite her and slap her. As leave your mark on me, next morning I want to see how you marked me. I'm doing her, and she's like "Slap me! Slap me harder! Bite me! Mark me!" Like bite her all around her most sensitive places and leave marks. Like smack her hard enough to leave a hand print. Not just her butt, but slap her thighs, breasts, face. This is not really my thing, but I'm thinking why not? She's asking for it, I went with it… and it drove her nuts. And sex was super-intimate, face to face, deep kissing the entire time with no squeamishness despite alternating back and forth between intercourse and oral.
Then BAM. Nothing, no interest. Then lame no-effort sex with "I'm not putting that in my mouth." To her this is normal…she simply says "It's not like you're not getting any." Or, "we just did it yesterday." I'm thinking, if I took her out to wine and dine her for a really fancy dinner on Friday, then Saturday night she says, "I'm hungry" and I blow her off with 'Please… it's not like you didn't have dinner yesterday"… that would not go over well. Now she's not expecting to be wined and dined every night, but she still expects dinner, right? Or look at it another way—I've long ago realized that "emotional affection" to a woman functions the same as sexual relations to a man. Has the same effect, fulfills the same basic needs, etc. But there's a wicked double standard which is regular/frequent sexual intimacy is optional, wholly at the woman's discretion based on her mood and how much laundry she has to fold, and if the man expects daily/regular effort, then he's a selfish/childish/demanding jerk unfairly pressuring her to do something she doesn't want to (as if you're asking her to run a marathon or get dental surgery…I mean, c'mon it's sex.. how hard is it to put in a little enthusiasm for someone you love). Yet try withholding emotional affection/intimacy from your wife for one day. Or even one morning or one afternoon. Guaranteed meltdown. And you, my man, are a selfish jerk for withholding—and so what about all the stress at work and everything else in your life—that's just a selfish excuse.
After lame sex not being able to finish and her not caring, I had a lot of stuff floating around in my mind. Then it hit me: she perceives me as the beta male when she really wants to roll with the alpha-dog. She would never admit to this. In fact, I'm fairly certain this is her unconscious reality not something she can articulate. I think in her conscious mind she thinks that she perceives me as alpha, and her words say so… but her actions say otherwise.
So after the confusing intimacy episodes I recalled to mind a lot of recent behaviors that on the surface were no big deal, but in reality speak volumes:
• I've always had some facial hair going but recently she insisted I grow out my beard. Like full on face beard, and let it get thick and bushy… like a tough-guy beard. She thinks it looks hot and turns her on.
• I practice martial arts, she seems impressed that I'm advancing quickly but she's recently mentioned several times that I should compete. She really wants me to fight a competition.
• She mentioned if I had a tattoo that would probably turn her on and she would be after me for sex… neither one of us have ever had a tattoo or really had any interest in it.
• She keeps pushing me to start lifting again and has mentioned several times how "tough" and "intimidating" I looked a few years back when I went through P90X. I was never ripped… but yeah, I looked strong.
• She's told me several times I should go back to the gym and bulk up my arms
• She wants rough sex. Like bite her and leave my mark on her… like slap her body and face really hard.
• She recently confessed she briefly dated a guy who rode a Harley… and it turned her on (there was no sex in that relationship, and yes she's told me about every sex experience, there's not many, she's open about that stuff)
• She does not go down on me with the same enthusiasm, vigor and attention to my pleasure as I do to her
• She's not too concerned if I don't finish
• Her idea of hot foreplay is lay there while I do stuff to her
• She totally takes for granted that I am "really into her". A friend (whose husband is apparently not much into sex and doesn't go down on her) told her "yeah, your husband is pretty much into everything about you"… with a jealous, wistful sigh—which tells me it's not something you take for granted.
• She has thanked me multiple times on "you are a really awesome provider for your family" (total beta tip off)
• She says stuff (when I'm walking around shirtless) like "You're hot… I want you… I want to do stuff to you"… then nothing happens.
• Her orgasm and turn-ons (like reviewing our videos) seemed very self focused
• When she gets going she's hot, and she really rocks it… but she never seems to crave me or sex.
• The five or so days of rocking horniness? Hormone cycles! It's not me she desires, it's not like she seeks after me for sex regularly, if we manage to have crazy good sex about once a month—that's ovulation!
Then it HIT me—her subconscious has labeled me as "beta" while her conscious psyche would never admit to it. I tested the waters… After the heard/tattoo/lifting thing I said, "You want me to fulfill your tough-guy fantasy?" She got pissed as if I called her a ****, whereas if she did have a tough-guy fantasy, sure I'd fulfill it for her.
I'm having some trouble figuring out where things went off-track into beta train-wreck territory. Yeah, I'm a good provider, read the "Five Love Languages" and finally got it through my dense male brain that woman thrives on emotional affection/connection… but I'm hardly a wuss. I fix stuff that breaks. I do brakes and springs and stuff on my cars. I lift heavy stuff. I have a frigging manly beard (you want a beard, I'll give you a beard all right, full on Appalachia style babe). I'm fit and maybe not as pumped as P90X but I'm still muscular with definition, and look much younger than men my age, fearlessly roll with dudes much bigger and stronger than me (and younger), and I am very strong for my height/weight (time after time I roll with men within 5-7 years of my age and win or lose they say 'dude, you are one strong guy'…), and I can get it up for her over and over and keep it up… And if we are going at it and I finish first (which is about 60% of the time), I either keep pounding her until she's silly happy, or I passionately go right down on her (no stopping for 'let me clean up' BS) until she explodes. I never have issues getting an erection, my problem is getting them all the time! (I have no friggin clue why all these 40-something dudes need so much Viagra). I used to 'ask' for sex (yeah, beta I know) but I've stopped that a while ago. Now, I don't ask I just attempt to initiate, I attempt to seduce and turn her on by touching her the way she likes.
So… I'm really not sure what I'm missing. Maybe she's got it too good. She's too secure. Maybe she knows not sex is just a snap of the fingers away. Maybe it's not all me, it may be her…when a 40ish woman starts liking the idea of tattoos and rather rough sex maybe she's dealing with some stuff… I dunno. Maybe I should wait for her to initiate next time (that might backfire, I think she could go a long long time)… maybe I should refuse sex (that might backfire, in the whole 2 times I've done that the past 10 years she was highly offended).
What I do know is this—time to level up. Dead lifts, squats, P90X, competition rolling…maybe even a tattoo-- bring it!
Put the internet to work for you.
