I am heavily conflicted, after reading several books and seeing a therapist my thoughts and emotions go back and forth from one side to the other.
To start, I am guilty of cheating on my wife on multiple occasions by posting ads on craigslist and emailing with recipients in order to feel good about myself and receive validation and attention.
Initially this happened when we were dating, and then she found out and the standard result ensued, she was upset, I said I was sorry and would not do it again. (At the time I felt like I would not)
We then not too long after married, but I could tell things weren't right, or at least I was unhappy with her state, her lack of joy and excitement about us or anything really, and even more so our sex life. I am not sure if I have a overwhelming sex drive and craving - but that feeling intensified monumentally as time progressed to a level that drove me insane.
Additionally she would not kiss me more intensely than what i would describe as how you kiss your grandma essentially, the tight lipped pecks you give. I deeply wanted passion and intimacy and romance as I needed this to feel a connection between us. I would wake every morning hoping it would be the day she would touch me, or would kiss me. I tried kissing and touching her but after time it became awkward for me because of the lack of genuine desire reciprocated. I wanted to have sex all day and all night with her intensely, with her, i did not actually desire anyone else. After time I did it again with the online ads, and then the same thing happen. And I suppose you could say she became even more distant, though nothing was ever talked about or communicated. In my perception I asked on numerous countless occasions why there is a lack of spark or intimacy, why you won't kiss me for real, why do we not have sex. And I was referred as a monster because its always about sex, th ough i felt it was rational to inquire as to the lack of any intimate connection in a relationship where i literally ache with despair at the inability to do the things with you and be intimate with you as i desperately wanted.
A total of 4 cycles of this went on - and this last time the 4th, a month after she came home and from work one day and was nullified of emotion - she was done. Not like before when she found out and was devastated, at this point she was settled and content with the fact that was done, and is not IN love with me anymore, and is moving on and doing her thing.
In reading books and seeing the therapist since, I have come to immense discovery in the misguided thought process of my actions and thinking that it was ok to seek this attention online in this manner.
I understand that if i had taken the effort to fix MYSELF after the first time maybe there would have been a chance to fruit together, to develop into what i wanted us to be. I understand that her neglect of me was marginal compared to the pain she must have been going through, and the fact that she stood in there and just stayed hoping for me to come around is astounding. I was extremely selfish about my entire train of thought throughout this whole span of what was a little over a year. There are so many things i now realize about where i was wrong and what i should have been doing and thinking. I can not believe that i did what i did honestly, i am genuinely ashamed in myself. Additionally there was a difference in how i reacted this last time, in that after i did the actual event when i was in the moment i had a partial realization of all this - not quite as clear and elaborate - but i realized i was doing something wrong and stopped right away. Needless to say she found out anyways despite me trying to cover it up deleting history etc, i just wish i had paid deeper thought into it before committing it - but the difference is two fold i actually was aware of what i was doing and that it was wrong and should be taking other steps (this is during my committing the act) and after she found out i fully deleted every shred of emails accounts and anything related to this infidelity. i have spent day and night contemplating my wrongs.
she was so strong and wonderful for sticking in the beginning, i was selfish in expecting things to be a fairytale without earning and proving that i deserved it. and now that i have so much clarity and frame of mind, it is too late. i understand that it is my fault, i have done this, she did not deserve it, and deserves the world and i believe that.
i just cannot get over the fact that i know with this starting of change in me that i intend fully to continue for a long time without expectation of her giving back to me for a long time, we could work together because i truly believe there are no 2 better people fitted
but on the other hand half of the material i read describes i need to allow her to move forward and procure this perfect love from scratch with someone new who will not ever damage her and i believe she deserves that
but i battle with the fact of how perfect we have been and are all the little and big things
it tears me up every minute of every day for 2 months now. i am on the verge of tears at all times and half because i am ashamed and disgusted or disappointed in myself and half because i know i have lost the one thing that despite my missteps and poor decisions i have all along wanted so desperately and genuinely and passionately.
please help me discern this conflict i am torn with
Put the internet to work for you.
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