This is a long story as I want to provide as much detail and background as possible. My wife and I have been together 7 years and married 6. We have a 5 year old and two 2 ½ year olds. I am 47 and my wife is 38.
My wife was married once before for two years. Before her marriage she had a couple boyfriends. She was with her ex husband for 8 years. After her husband and before the other guy she ended up living and getting engaged to she had a quick fling with her first boyfriend. Then once she was divorced she got engaged and was living with the other guy for 3 years. This is important because I think this goes to the root of what might be the issue. She has always went straight from one relationship to the next. There were never any pauses where she hasn't been with anybody and been alone (but whose fault is that?). She calls herself "relationshippy".
I was never married and only in three long relations ships. I got really hurt by my first love and it took me a long time to get over it. I have dated over 100 women, but things never progressed that much in those relationships. Before my wife I basically was by myself for over 10 years.
In the bedroom she has been with me and the two other guys she was in long relations ships with. She also admitted after years that she did sleep with her first boyfriend while seperated before her divorce was finallized and before she was with the guy she got engaged to. She said it was a one time thing and she didn't count him. I have been with 6 women, two for long periods, but I was not with anyone for a long time before my wife. I've fooled around with a lot of women and had many other chances to sleep with women but declined some for a variety of reasons.
She has tons of rules in the bedoom, she doesn't like a lot of stuff. She likes when I go down on her for a long time, but she only goes down on me for a minute or two and then will ask about regular sex. She is not adventurous at all. I would love to try new things with her but she is very straight laced and does not seem interested in anything else. Before we were married our sex life was much better. It was more frequent. Now our frequency was about once a week and now it's up to about twice a week. But I almost always 99% initiate it and sometimes she will just lie there. I pretty much do all the work and she lies there anyway. Even when she is on top I have to move her. She says I am a great lover and very passionate. I think she is inhibited and a somewhat selfish lover, but that really has only dawned on me recently.
Anyway the story is that my wife and I had a few drinks last weekend and she brings up what would happen "if" we got divorced. She has never brought this up prior and it hit me like a bomb. Would we always be civil to each other always? I told her I didn't know (I lied), it would obviously have a lot to do with why we got divorced. In the back of my mind I was like "if" we got divorced I would make your life a living hell, but I didn't know if that would be a smart thing to say or not so I kept it to myself. I was sorted stunned by the whole thing and really couldn't fathom where this was coming from. She was like well you'd get to see the kids on all the major events in their life and have them for the weekend and that divorce didn't really effect kids. I told her that divorce had a huge impact on kids, unfortunatly the kid across the street from us OD just last year and his father blamed it entirely on the divorce. She said what if she was miserable, should she stay, I said I would stay for my kids. I also asked her what did she want, you've got a loving husband, three great kids, a nice home, and wonderful job? What the F more do you want? I also went on to say that if I knew that we were going to leave each other, I wish we never had kids in the first place as I couldn't bear to be away from then for so long. I couldn't just see them every other weekend. There are other reasons which I didn't say, such as I wouldn't trust any other man to be around my kids and replace me, it would pretty much be over my dead body. I have read too many stories of non blood relatives killing or molesting little kids.
After a bit she changed the conversation to say you have me for another 18 years (until the kids are raised) but since she has been divorced before that I should make sure I have a plan B for if something did happen and we did get divorced. She told me not to put all my eggs into one basket to which I replied I did when we got married. To be blunt I can't tell what she wants. Is she preparing me for an eventual divoce when the kids are older? Does she have the 7 year itch and want to see other guys?
Then after the "if" we divorce conversation, before I have time to absorb the whole thing, she brings up maybe we should try out swinging or a threesome. I really don't think she knew what these exactly meant, but I think she might have wanted to see if I would be OK with her seeing or sleeping with another guy. The next day she said that she was just kidding about these things, BUT it would be OK if I had an affair as long as there were no feelings involved. She has said stuff about open marriages before, but just little remarks here and there. She went on to say that when she and I first got together that she really had wanted to be single and play the field for at least six months. That was a true statement, however we became exclusive because she wanted us to become exclusive two months into our relationship. I asked if she missed sowing her wild oats and she said no. But she keeps bringing up having an open marriage. Since she knows I won't cheat she would be the only one benfitting from that situation. I told her I wasn't interested in that. I also went on to say that open marriages and all the other stuff (swinging or a threesome) with other people really just starts down the road to divorce. She was like what if the threesome was another women. I told her I was uncomfortable with that as well and I don't think she would really ever do this, I think she was just seeing if I would want it so she could throw it back in my face later on, well you wanted to have a threesome with another women…
I should also point out now that even though this conversation started after a few drinks, the follow up me clarifying what she meant took place over the course of a week with me basically checking to see if I understood her correctly.
Deep down I think she might want to date other men because she thinks she missed something. I am not OK with that. It's not OK with me. It's a deal breaker. She hopped into bed with me quickly and dating with her I think would lead right her right into someone else's bed.
She has told me she has never cheated and never had the opportiniy to. But that night when I asked her if she had the opportunity to she stumbled over her words which implied to me she has at least had the opportunity. However when I brought it up again she stated she never has had the chance and I did beleive her.
Please be aware that some of the facts as I now know it in my relationship with my wife I did not find out until several years later. For instance I did not know at the time that when she found out her sister was having her second baby that all she wanted was kids. When I asked her, why did you marry me after the "if" conversation, her first answer was "I want kids more then anything else and I knew you would make a great father." Not much to do with me there .
Other things she has said throught the course of our relationship are that I treat her like gold, far better then anybody else had and that she knows I would do anything for her (which is not true now that we had this recent conversation, I wouldn't share her).
This whole conversation has really bothered me, I had sleepless nights. My wife reassures me that I have her for years, at least 18. She isn't going anywhere. But the fact that when sober she tells me it would be OK if I had an affair and that she just wants me to be happy even if that meant I ended up with another woman and left her (to which I told her was a bunch of BS and that I don't believe that for a second) and the fact that she seems to have spent a lot of time thinking about this really bothers me.
I do not think she has had an affair (99%). Do you think she has, or was just contemplating it, on the verge of one, still is? Just trying to feel me out, if I would let her have an open marriage, see other men? I do not want to lose her and want to make sure that she understands this would be a deal breaker. What steps do I need to take, what should I be doing to make my marriage last and prevent something from happening?
The initial conversation was 10 days ago. My wife and I have not spoken about in a week. We had a very nice Saturday night together, however this is still weighing on mind. It's tough to think of far off events and then think to yourself, that's only "if".
Now it has been another 10 days and things seemed to have been getting back to normal, but my I noticed my wife being very short with me and cutting our phone conversations short. We start to talk and this conversation comes up again and new information comes out. This all started after she saw a medium. Apparently the medium told her I wasn't her soulmate. A bunch of other "bad things" which she refused to elaborate on.
So these are the facts now:
She doesn't feel I am her soulmate
She says she still in love with me, but I obviously doubt that
I asked her if she wanted a divorce so she could seacrh for her soulmate and she said no
I said that we should see a marriage counler which she thought unneccassary at this time.
She said that she isn't considering divroce at all
This all started after she saw a medium (Fortune teller)
I'm am very confused as to what to do:
See a marriahge counciler
Let it rest a bit
Please help
Put the internet to work for you.
via Personal Recipe 2629979
