Hi folks. I am really confused. My marriage went into crisis early this year, but had been very rocky for about 2-3 years (we are married 19 years and together for 21+ years, 2 kids 19yo and 10yo) When the crisis happened she said she wanted a divorce. At the time she said she was 90-10 sure she wanted it. I pointed out it was the nuclear option and she should be 100% She agreed to try counseling for 'a while'. At one point, about a 6 weeks into that she said she really did want to reconcile and to give it 6 months and re-evaluate. She tried a little extra at that time (but not a LOT). We had a fight about 3 weeks later and to some degree blew that arrangement. Now she is back being very negative about the future; though we are still officially giving it 6 months evaluation. I get mixed signals now.
PROs
• Gives me kiss and hug on way to work and returning
• When I ask if she is trying to reconcile, she says yes. When pressed she'll say 'but doubtful' or 'I don't believe we can make it work' or 'I don't think I can forgive you (verbal abuse and temper/anger)' or 'I don't think you can change permanently'
• Scheduled sex once a week is good (not passionate, but mutually fulfilling). Not a lot of cuddle/pillow-talk afterwards - but even in good times that wasn't her style. This is more sex than I was getting for the past several years, frankly.
• Is not seeing a lawyer (to my knowledge; pretty sure that's true)
• Attends marriage counseling once a week for 1 hour (1.5 hours every other week)
• Holds my hand on couch watching TV (75% I initiate)
• She says she loves me. "That's why this is so damn hard." When pressed she'll say her love has been diminished over the last bad couple of years.
• I very seriously doubt any physical affair. Very unlikely emotional affair, too.
• We have 3 scheduled talks of 45 minutes each week to be used to discuss our relationship and our issues list (mutually made up and our rankings are very similar)
• We go out on the weekends as a family and have fun at carnivals, shopping, boat trips, beach, etc. So long as we don't talk about the marriage or issues in the car on the way to the events :)
• Agreed to try a different marriage councilor who specializes in Gottman and see how that works (with eye to canceling our current councilor who is a jack of all trades and we feel only marginal improvement from).
CONs
• Tells her friends/relatives she "is almost certain we won't get back together", or "I won't be dragged into a reconciliation I don't want"
• Does not read the books the marriage councilor suggested
• Does not do the 'homework' from the marriage councilor
• Will not tolerate any sexual contact outside the scheduled 'appointment' (Saturday morning, before the kids are up.)
• If our talks become fights (this is less frequent as the MC has taught us some good skills here) she is quick to say "I'm done. This can't work. Divorce."
• She says to me issues are not getting resolved - especially trust (we both don't have much of that right now in each other.)
• She says to the MC that she feels she has worked on this relationship and on me for years before now and is tired of trying. She sees no difference between now and then. (I point out that *I* wasn't trying and now I am, and that we have guidance now and didn't before.... but that doesn't seem to help.)
She went back to work last year (she had been stay at home mom for 17 years) and is going through menopause. While there are definitely good reasons to examine our marriage and I am at least 50% to blame and own that, could a lot of the mixed signals and indecision be change of life and mid-life crisis? from my reading she seems to have a lot of the characteristics of the 'walk away wife' syndrome.
Two questions for the group: Has anyone been in this type of mixed limbo? What are the successful strategies I might employ for all of us to be happy?
PROs
• Gives me kiss and hug on way to work and returning
• When I ask if she is trying to reconcile, she says yes. When pressed she'll say 'but doubtful' or 'I don't believe we can make it work' or 'I don't think I can forgive you (verbal abuse and temper/anger)' or 'I don't think you can change permanently'
• Scheduled sex once a week is good (not passionate, but mutually fulfilling). Not a lot of cuddle/pillow-talk afterwards - but even in good times that wasn't her style. This is more sex than I was getting for the past several years, frankly.
• Is not seeing a lawyer (to my knowledge; pretty sure that's true)
• Attends marriage counseling once a week for 1 hour (1.5 hours every other week)
• Holds my hand on couch watching TV (75% I initiate)
• She says she loves me. "That's why this is so damn hard." When pressed she'll say her love has been diminished over the last bad couple of years.
• I very seriously doubt any physical affair. Very unlikely emotional affair, too.
• We have 3 scheduled talks of 45 minutes each week to be used to discuss our relationship and our issues list (mutually made up and our rankings are very similar)
• We go out on the weekends as a family and have fun at carnivals, shopping, boat trips, beach, etc. So long as we don't talk about the marriage or issues in the car on the way to the events :)
• Agreed to try a different marriage councilor who specializes in Gottman and see how that works (with eye to canceling our current councilor who is a jack of all trades and we feel only marginal improvement from).
CONs
• Tells her friends/relatives she "is almost certain we won't get back together", or "I won't be dragged into a reconciliation I don't want"
• Does not read the books the marriage councilor suggested
• Does not do the 'homework' from the marriage councilor
• Will not tolerate any sexual contact outside the scheduled 'appointment' (Saturday morning, before the kids are up.)
• If our talks become fights (this is less frequent as the MC has taught us some good skills here) she is quick to say "I'm done. This can't work. Divorce."
• She says to me issues are not getting resolved - especially trust (we both don't have much of that right now in each other.)
• She says to the MC that she feels she has worked on this relationship and on me for years before now and is tired of trying. She sees no difference between now and then. (I point out that *I* wasn't trying and now I am, and that we have guidance now and didn't before.... but that doesn't seem to help.)
She went back to work last year (she had been stay at home mom for 17 years) and is going through menopause. While there are definitely good reasons to examine our marriage and I am at least 50% to blame and own that, could a lot of the mixed signals and indecision be change of life and mid-life crisis? from my reading she seems to have a lot of the characteristics of the 'walk away wife' syndrome.
Two questions for the group: Has anyone been in this type of mixed limbo? What are the successful strategies I might employ for all of us to be happy?
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