I don't know what to do to make my marraige better. We are coming up on our 7 year anniversary and we've been together for 10 years total. Have 2 kids and both work full time, in our 30s.
I feel a lack of connection in our marraige to that point that I often think of exit strategies. I've heard some people say that it can be like a roommate situation. But this isn't even like roommates. A roommate would probably talk to you and attempt some kind of basic friendship at least. We spend a lot of time in a shared space in the same house, parenting our kids and running the household, but there is nothing beyond that. He does not ask me simple things like what I did that day at work, how my life is going, or even about current events or anything at all. All talking is bare minimum business only. I feel no excitement from him, it feels as if there is no reason for me to be there and at times he seems annoyed by me. This is the root of our issue in my opinion. I make attempts every day to reconnect and take an interest in him as a person with either no response or an obvious move by him to shrug me off.
I have extreme difficulty communicating this to him. I have difficulty explaining to him what he would need to do to make me feel better about our marraige. I don't know how to teach someone to be friendly and have a basic conversation? How do you teach that? It's like trying to teach a robot to be human.
I'm not new here so answers to the typical questions you may have:
- sex life is mediocre, around once a week. Born of need on my part not of any feeling of connection. He does not initiate. He will not turn me down when I do. It's a mechanical act for me. I've heard men feel sex as love so maybe this makes him content the way things are and less likely to meet my needs. I don't know.
- I've tried a lot of things to fix this. Reading all the books. Talking about it. Not talking about it. Spending more time together on dates. Spending less time together. Doing new activities together. Joining a gym and working out together. I thought if I got myself in top shape and more attractive maybe he'd find a bigger push to keep me around. Nope.
Since I last posted here (in the sex section) about 6 weeks ago, I've lost about 10 lbs and I am at the gym 6-7 days a week working hard. I thought this would refocus me and maybe if I found happiness elsewhere it would make my marraige issue seem smaller. Nope. Everything else in life can shift however it wants but the marraige still sucks.
We dated for a long time. I remember being happy together. I remember feeling that he cherished me and we talked and he took an active interest in me. I can't pin down when it changed but I know that having only been together 7 years I cannot face a lifetime of this. I think often of getting out. It would be better to be alone than to deal with something that I find to be a constant source of frustration and unfulfillment.
When I talk to him (I feel like I annoy you...) and try to discuss ways that our marraige could be better (what could I do to make you more interested in our life together...) I get the following responses:
"You don't annoy me. I don't act like you do so stop feeling that way."
"I'm interested in you. Don't say I am not."
"I don't do any of those things. I can't control how you feel about me. You need to decide to feel a different way."
All of those pretty much shut the conversation down. I stop at that point.
I alternate between thinking f*ck it, I'm ignoring him too...to trying to throw a life line into the pool.
Last night I made us an impromptu date on a weeknight. Had a sitter for the kids and asked him to meet me for happy hour. I thought I'd try to keep it light and fun and maybe that would help. But, we pretty much sat in silence. All attempts by me to get something going were met with one word answers to shut it down. I got frustrated. Conversation turned ugly and I told him that I was tired of feeling unfulfilled in our marraige and that I have been thinking of an exit strategy. I've said the word divorce to him before but never as seriously as I did last night. It was the first time I told him how often I think about it and that I am at the point of Planning for it.
He got angry (first emotion I've seen from him in years) got up from the table and said "Ok, this conversation is done. We are leaving." So we got up. As we walked out he went to the bathroom and I was so done with him that I just kept walking and I left. (We drove seperately) I left him at the restaurant. I ran some errands and picked up the kids and came home a couple hours later. He was working in the yard and said nothing to me. He came in after dark. The kids were occupied at that point and he was standing in the kitchen making himself a drink at the counter. I walked in and I'm just so tired of all of this that I put my hand on his shoulder and hoped to talk. He turned around and grabbed me into a hug and he was crying. Neither of us said anything. I let him cry. I don't know what to do. I have no emotion at this point so I just stood there and let him hug me and cry.
We went to bed shortly after that and I woke up and came to work as usual. Haven't really talked to him since.
It's just so weird. A coworker would treat me better than my own husband. I know more about my coworkers lives and what they think of things than my own husband. I'm going through a really bad time at work where some big changes are going to happen and it's weighing heavily on my mind. My husband doesn't even know that I am about to leave my job because every time I've tried to talk to him he shuts me out. I give up. You'd think that he'd care at least for the effect it will have on him for our income and general schedule with our kids day to day.
We are both doing diet and exercise to lose weight. We often overlap our time at the gym...both going right after work. I will be halfway thru my work out when he gets there and he doesn't even wave or say hi to me! We are on the same gym floor and he doesn't even walk over to my machine and acknowledge my presence even though I know he can see me clear across the room. We take the same fitness weight lifting class each week getting there about 5 mins apart from each other. I grab a spot on the floor big enough for both of us, he walks in and says nothing to me and takes a spot on the other side of the room. Wtf! It's insane to me that my husband would do that. We look like complete strangers. When I confront him he says "i didn't want to interrupt you". How is waving hi or sitting next to me interrupting me? These are basic courtesies any acquaintance would generally abide by. He claims he had no idea it would bother me that he ignores me.
Why would someone treat you that way if they didn't harbor negative feelings for you?
Yet he says "I don't know what your talking about" when I bring it up.
I am at a crossroads where I need to make a big career move and I am seriously considering making a move with the goal of supporting myself and my leaving the marraige rather than thinking of the family as a whole. It does make a difference as to what job I would ultimately take.
Any advice is appreciated. I feel like I am a living in a twilight zone and every other part of my life I feel very in control of and clear about direction. In marraige I am lost.
I feel a lack of connection in our marraige to that point that I often think of exit strategies. I've heard some people say that it can be like a roommate situation. But this isn't even like roommates. A roommate would probably talk to you and attempt some kind of basic friendship at least. We spend a lot of time in a shared space in the same house, parenting our kids and running the household, but there is nothing beyond that. He does not ask me simple things like what I did that day at work, how my life is going, or even about current events or anything at all. All talking is bare minimum business only. I feel no excitement from him, it feels as if there is no reason for me to be there and at times he seems annoyed by me. This is the root of our issue in my opinion. I make attempts every day to reconnect and take an interest in him as a person with either no response or an obvious move by him to shrug me off.
I have extreme difficulty communicating this to him. I have difficulty explaining to him what he would need to do to make me feel better about our marraige. I don't know how to teach someone to be friendly and have a basic conversation? How do you teach that? It's like trying to teach a robot to be human.
I'm not new here so answers to the typical questions you may have:
- sex life is mediocre, around once a week. Born of need on my part not of any feeling of connection. He does not initiate. He will not turn me down when I do. It's a mechanical act for me. I've heard men feel sex as love so maybe this makes him content the way things are and less likely to meet my needs. I don't know.
- I've tried a lot of things to fix this. Reading all the books. Talking about it. Not talking about it. Spending more time together on dates. Spending less time together. Doing new activities together. Joining a gym and working out together. I thought if I got myself in top shape and more attractive maybe he'd find a bigger push to keep me around. Nope.
Since I last posted here (in the sex section) about 6 weeks ago, I've lost about 10 lbs and I am at the gym 6-7 days a week working hard. I thought this would refocus me and maybe if I found happiness elsewhere it would make my marraige issue seem smaller. Nope. Everything else in life can shift however it wants but the marraige still sucks.
We dated for a long time. I remember being happy together. I remember feeling that he cherished me and we talked and he took an active interest in me. I can't pin down when it changed but I know that having only been together 7 years I cannot face a lifetime of this. I think often of getting out. It would be better to be alone than to deal with something that I find to be a constant source of frustration and unfulfillment.
When I talk to him (I feel like I annoy you...) and try to discuss ways that our marraige could be better (what could I do to make you more interested in our life together...) I get the following responses:
"You don't annoy me. I don't act like you do so stop feeling that way."
"I'm interested in you. Don't say I am not."
"I don't do any of those things. I can't control how you feel about me. You need to decide to feel a different way."
All of those pretty much shut the conversation down. I stop at that point.
I alternate between thinking f*ck it, I'm ignoring him too...to trying to throw a life line into the pool.
Last night I made us an impromptu date on a weeknight. Had a sitter for the kids and asked him to meet me for happy hour. I thought I'd try to keep it light and fun and maybe that would help. But, we pretty much sat in silence. All attempts by me to get something going were met with one word answers to shut it down. I got frustrated. Conversation turned ugly and I told him that I was tired of feeling unfulfilled in our marraige and that I have been thinking of an exit strategy. I've said the word divorce to him before but never as seriously as I did last night. It was the first time I told him how often I think about it and that I am at the point of Planning for it.
He got angry (first emotion I've seen from him in years) got up from the table and said "Ok, this conversation is done. We are leaving." So we got up. As we walked out he went to the bathroom and I was so done with him that I just kept walking and I left. (We drove seperately) I left him at the restaurant. I ran some errands and picked up the kids and came home a couple hours later. He was working in the yard and said nothing to me. He came in after dark. The kids were occupied at that point and he was standing in the kitchen making himself a drink at the counter. I walked in and I'm just so tired of all of this that I put my hand on his shoulder and hoped to talk. He turned around and grabbed me into a hug and he was crying. Neither of us said anything. I let him cry. I don't know what to do. I have no emotion at this point so I just stood there and let him hug me and cry.
We went to bed shortly after that and I woke up and came to work as usual. Haven't really talked to him since.
It's just so weird. A coworker would treat me better than my own husband. I know more about my coworkers lives and what they think of things than my own husband. I'm going through a really bad time at work where some big changes are going to happen and it's weighing heavily on my mind. My husband doesn't even know that I am about to leave my job because every time I've tried to talk to him he shuts me out. I give up. You'd think that he'd care at least for the effect it will have on him for our income and general schedule with our kids day to day.
We are both doing diet and exercise to lose weight. We often overlap our time at the gym...both going right after work. I will be halfway thru my work out when he gets there and he doesn't even wave or say hi to me! We are on the same gym floor and he doesn't even walk over to my machine and acknowledge my presence even though I know he can see me clear across the room. We take the same fitness weight lifting class each week getting there about 5 mins apart from each other. I grab a spot on the floor big enough for both of us, he walks in and says nothing to me and takes a spot on the other side of the room. Wtf! It's insane to me that my husband would do that. We look like complete strangers. When I confront him he says "i didn't want to interrupt you". How is waving hi or sitting next to me interrupting me? These are basic courtesies any acquaintance would generally abide by. He claims he had no idea it would bother me that he ignores me.
Why would someone treat you that way if they didn't harbor negative feelings for you?
Yet he says "I don't know what your talking about" when I bring it up.
I am at a crossroads where I need to make a big career move and I am seriously considering making a move with the goal of supporting myself and my leaving the marraige rather than thinking of the family as a whole. It does make a difference as to what job I would ultimately take.
Any advice is appreciated. I feel like I am a living in a twilight zone and every other part of my life I feel very in control of and clear about direction. In marraige I am lost.
Put the internet to work for you.
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