I just need to get all of this mess off of my chest and hear from others who have been where I am. Family and friends mean well, but none of them have been through this. We've been married 17 years and have five children. Our last pregnancy was a surprise, and it was hard on me. We have busy lives with all of the children and both of us working, and we have always had financial troubles. Almost at the end of my pregnancy I noticed a change in my husband's behavior. He put a lock on his phone, and I knew he was texting a woman he worked with. I wasn't ok with the texting, and we had many arguments about it. His job requires him to work at night sometimes, and there were times he would come in very late or go back out after we were all in bed. I would call him on it, but he would say he was going to dispatch to hang out with other officers and do paperwork. I called him on it every time and asked him several times if he was having an affair. Of course he de nied it. We had our beautiful baby boy in Sept. amidst all of this tension, and I hoped things would get better. Instead they stayed the same, with him still going out several times a week and all the tension in our family and marriage.
To make a long story short, finally in Feb he told me about the affair he had been having with this woman he had been texting since August. I was so shocked because even though I had been suspicious, I loved him so much and believed him. I asked him if he wanted to stay, and he thought I was going to throw him out. He and the other woman were so sure I would throw him out that he was planning to move in with her. He was going to leave me and let me think it was because of our financial problems. I decided right away that I wasn't giving up on him or our marriage and told him he would have to choose. He chose to stay but it took nearly a month for him to completely break off contact with her. During this time there he seemed angry and irritated with me, but all I did was try to move on. I was concerned when he would talk to her or see her at work or text her. She was constantly bothering him. Finally one night he told me he had to make a choice and that he was going to see her. I told him not to come home unless he broke things off with her completely. He came home later and said that he had, crying saying there wasn't really a choice to be made, that it was always me. I took him at his word, and we moved on for about a month. Then I found some text messages on his phone from her. He had hid her name under someone else's so I wouldn't see the messages. They were very much about how she wanted to be with him and be a mom to our kids and how she was pissed he was still sleeping with me. He was telling her about how perfect she was and how anyone would be lucky to have her. When I confronted him I was so angry. He wasn't, just said that he just wanted to be her friend, that she is a single mom who doesn't have anyone. I said absolutely not, that he had to leave if he was going to be in any contact with her, and I even had all his stuff packed. Days went by without him moving out, and us just being civil. I told him he had to make a choice. Then he admitted that the night a month before that he didn't really break things off completely with her and that he had actually slept with her.
He has since blocked her number, tells me the affair is over, and we are trying to move on. He says he doesn't want a divorce, and I don't either. He says he loves me, and I know I love him. I told him his words were not enough because he has lied to me too many times and that I can't stay married to him if he starts seeking out any contact with her. I am just so insecure now. He can't even tell me how or why the affair started, but I feel like such a failure and so stupid. Stupid for not seeing it sooner, for believing him. I feel like I've failed at being a good wife to him, must not have been what he wanted or needed, not pretty enough, all that garbage. I cant help but feel that way and question everything he says and does. I want to believe he loves me, but I can't believe anything he says. Does it get easier? Any advice from those who have been through it. I know he has never had an affair before because he personality had completely changed when the affair started. He was so unlike him, so angry, distant, cold, argumentative. I just want to be happy and move on if he says it's over. I am just having a really hard time. How should I proceed? Take him at his word unless he proves me wrong?
To make a long story short, finally in Feb he told me about the affair he had been having with this woman he had been texting since August. I was so shocked because even though I had been suspicious, I loved him so much and believed him. I asked him if he wanted to stay, and he thought I was going to throw him out. He and the other woman were so sure I would throw him out that he was planning to move in with her. He was going to leave me and let me think it was because of our financial problems. I decided right away that I wasn't giving up on him or our marriage and told him he would have to choose. He chose to stay but it took nearly a month for him to completely break off contact with her. During this time there he seemed angry and irritated with me, but all I did was try to move on. I was concerned when he would talk to her or see her at work or text her. She was constantly bothering him. Finally one night he told me he had to make a choice and that he was going to see her. I told him not to come home unless he broke things off with her completely. He came home later and said that he had, crying saying there wasn't really a choice to be made, that it was always me. I took him at his word, and we moved on for about a month. Then I found some text messages on his phone from her. He had hid her name under someone else's so I wouldn't see the messages. They were very much about how she wanted to be with him and be a mom to our kids and how she was pissed he was still sleeping with me. He was telling her about how perfect she was and how anyone would be lucky to have her. When I confronted him I was so angry. He wasn't, just said that he just wanted to be her friend, that she is a single mom who doesn't have anyone. I said absolutely not, that he had to leave if he was going to be in any contact with her, and I even had all his stuff packed. Days went by without him moving out, and us just being civil. I told him he had to make a choice. Then he admitted that the night a month before that he didn't really break things off completely with her and that he had actually slept with her.
He has since blocked her number, tells me the affair is over, and we are trying to move on. He says he doesn't want a divorce, and I don't either. He says he loves me, and I know I love him. I told him his words were not enough because he has lied to me too many times and that I can't stay married to him if he starts seeking out any contact with her. I am just so insecure now. He can't even tell me how or why the affair started, but I feel like such a failure and so stupid. Stupid for not seeing it sooner, for believing him. I feel like I've failed at being a good wife to him, must not have been what he wanted or needed, not pretty enough, all that garbage. I cant help but feel that way and question everything he says and does. I want to believe he loves me, but I can't believe anything he says. Does it get easier? Any advice from those who have been through it. I know he has never had an affair before because he personality had completely changed when the affair started. He was so unlike him, so angry, distant, cold, argumentative. I just want to be happy and move on if he says it's over. I am just having a really hard time. How should I proceed? Take him at his word unless he proves me wrong?
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