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Divorced WW but have ?'s

So our divorce was final a few months back. She was in a lta I found out and filed. I got 50/50 shared custody, no child support, I keep my debt and she keeps hers. We split assets 50/50. My question is why didn't she try and screw me over like so many do? I mean she is in bad shape financially so I thought for sure she would try to get me to pay. Could the guilt of throwing her family to the wolves actually haunt her? Just looking for some insight and outside opinions cause it seems this almost never happens.

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middle aged female serial cheater - why?

I am just asking for the psychology behind this as I am struggling to understand other than a mid life crisis which I am not sure I really believe in.

In essence my 43 year old partner of 21 years cheated on me (numerous times I subsequently found out). I have spent the last 2 years blaming myself for being inattentive and throwing it all away.

However my ex has met a new man 4 months ago, who she says she is in love with and taken him to meet her family, posting pics of them together all over fb, and spends most weekends with him.

However she has in the last month appeared on a dating site so I messaged her with a false profile and she asked me to meet her for sex.

Why would a middle class, middle aged woman behave like this?

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Am I wrong?

A friend took a photo of my husband and I yesterday. His friends asked us to kiss for the photo, but my first reaction was to refuse it.
His friend asked my husband in private "Why did your wife refuse to kiss you?"
.....
When my husband and I were dating, he tried to kiss my cheek in front of everyone, but I turned away because I was shy. He told me that his feeling got hurt.
I explained to him that I hate kissing in public because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I tend to push a guy away if he tried to kiss me when too many people around without even thinking.
My husband knew I was always like that, but he still cares about it.

I also have no need to express my love in public (posting all over Facebook how much I love my husband, telling everyone about my love, or what we do everyday).

Am I wrong for acting this way?

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For men: is it possible to stop yourself from having sex while cheating?

My husband disclosed after 3 months that he was intimate with another woman while he was away on a business trip. He claims then and many times since that although there was a certain amount of physical intimacy which he described to me, he stopped quite a bit before having sex.

Why is this hard for me to believe? Because if you are in the right setting, and all is in place (although he says neither of them wanted to have sex) then biologically it would be too hard to resist. It has been more than enough for me to swallow what has happened....I feel very strongly that it's important for me and for us that everything be disclosed. We are moving forward and have worked through our issues that were underlying before the one time incident. I want to be sure about what I am forgiving and for him to also have everything completely out there.

I haven't yet read anyones thread that indicates a "near miss" and heard a mans perspective on this and would find it really helpful to hear some of your own experiences around that.

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I'm a guy,I don't want sex with my wife..advice please

I have been married for 27 years. We are both in our late 40's. (yes we married young).

She has health issues (diabetes and RA).

We rarely have sex. When we do (once every 2 months?) I finish too quick - because it's been so long. So I admit....it's not great when we do have sex (for her).

Valentine's day....no sex.....and I finally had a thought - I don't want to have sex with my wife.

So why?

1) Negative attitude

She never says "good morning" or tries to make the best out of the day. Yes, life has been hard the last 5 years. Her health, the economy has beat us down, and other life issues. But I figure, make the best of things. These are the cards we are dealt - they suck - but deal with them.

2) She is boring

After 27 years...sex gets a tad boring. I am not looking for a "hole"....I am looking for someone who will work with me to spice it up. Pardon the crudeness...but to lay there with your legs spread is not fun. It has cause me to have some performance issues. I never had these issues before, and I take meds that help to "prop up" the issue.

3) Lack of communication

When I have asked in the past what we can do....she says it's both our fault. And she is correct. I have become so apathetic about sex....I prefer masturbation to trying.

I am not saying another partner would be a better option....though it would be nice to have someone who cared as much about our sex life...and ergo....closeness.... as she does about the house being clean.

Through her sickness she has time to clean (it's not what you think...I would love a dirty house....she needs a show piece house)....get her nails done...watch tv....sew...and some other hobbies she enjoys.

I just never thought I would stop trying for sex with my wife.

And I have....stopped trying. I do not even bother. Flowers....dinners....jewelry.....paying the mortgage.....taking care of things around the house......vacuuming.....emptying the dishwasher.....trying to sit down and just talk......whether I do them or not....I never get a positive response.

I am rather shocked at my response and epiphany...if you will...about me no longer caring about sex with her.

Which is a shame.

She is very hot.

We are approaching 50 in a couple of years.

Is this the way couples go?

Am I a bad person for no longer trying?

I will re-state that her medical issues are the driving force in our life and relationship.

She feels bad almost daily and goes to the doctor about once a week. In addition....she take a large amount of vicodin that the doctor says she needs to maintain the pain threshold due to diabetic neurotropicthy she has developed.

Maybe I need a *****slap to tell me I am just being selfish.

I do love my wife....but the intimacy and fun is long gone from our relationship.

I will never leave....and I will never cheat.....just wondering if I can make a change and do something.

Just wondering if anyone has some positive feedback for me.


Sorry if I am rambling.

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Would you be disappointed with this Valentine's Day?

We've been dating 7 months. He isn't a fan of valentines day because h thinks it's less meaningful to do things for someone on a certain day only because you "have to," vs any other day. But I told him it was important to me & mentioned I'd gotten him a gift. Here's what he did:

Texted first thing in morning (we were both at work) to wish me happy Vday & tell me I'm the best girlfriend any guy could ask for. Made dinner reservations. Showed up with 1 single rose. Gave me a card with a short but nice message. No gift. Meanwhile I gave him a fancy wine bottle to unwrap, then got online & showed him where we'd be drinking it: a weekend stay at this beachside condo that I just knew he'd love for a few specific reasons. (I'm not a big beach person myself.) anyhow, what the heck? He also still hasn't said he loves me. Yet claims he's so happy with me
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What is going on here?

A couple of years ago, a boy and I hooked up and then didn't see each other for two years as we went off to different unis. We met up again recently, when he told me he wanted to hang out but just as friends, wanted space to sort his life out etc. However, he's v touchy-feely and always keen to meet up with me one-on-one, introduce me to his family etc.

I invited him out with my friends and found out the other day that he'd asked my friend for her number, the day he told me he needed space. Since then, we've met up again (initated by him) and on that occasion he referred several times to wanting to see me again, asking when I was next free.

The opinion of my friends is that he is into me and (this sounds horrible..) that I am out of his league anyway, so what is going on? Is he just not interested? But then why the touchy-feeliness and the desire to see me often?

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4 years later and still suffering

4 years ago my husband had an affair with his ex-fiance ( they had been apart 23 years). They began chatting of fb, then started sending e-mails, hugs and kisses, sharing love songs. talking on the phone for hours a day, and eventually he took a trip ( I thought he was going to visit an old buddy), and spent 6 days with her, over New Years, of course was intimate, met and spent time with her family, blah, blah, blah. He lied to me before, during and after. I did not discover to "truth" until 9 months post. Jump ahead 4 years. and he has been true to his no -contact, but I still have a hard time with intimacy. The minute I crawl into bed and he reaches over and touches me, my skin kinda crawls, I really do not find his touch soothing or loving. I have this kind of movie that runs through my head uncontrollably of him making love to the OW. Sometimes I can control these thoughts, but most times I cannot. Lately I have been feeling like the walls are closing in on me. He recently was upset at discovering I had spent money he was not aware I had done, and instead of saying anything he went 10 full days without saying a word to me. I finally couldnt stand it anymore and we spent the night talking. What happened blew my mind. Of course his affair came up, always does, but my concern was if he could go for 10 days and not say a word, no wonder I had no clue he was unhappy in our marriage 4 years ago, I mean come on, if you can;t ask me about money and would rather not utter a word for 10 days, what the hell are we doing? We ended the night sleeping in other rooms, me sick to my stomach, because through the night my concerns quickly became a pity party for him. He has lost good friends, he is hurt over the affair, poor him. I told him I was considering taking a job that would take me away from home for 6 months, he had some not so nice comments, but then could not give me a reason why I should not. I am beginning to think that he re ally needs to see someone, he has never done any counseling, to good for it , too busy, put the blame on me? All of the above ? Anyway, I guess the reason I am writing is just to get this off my chest a bit and to ask other BS just how long do these feelings last? I "trust" him to not cheat again, but I still can't get over the time that he did. I still don't want his affection, don't kiss me, don't touch me, and the big one, explain to me why! 4 years later and all I still get is " I can't explain, I was just spinning". Is finally having that answer what I need to move on? I told him that I love him, and I do, but I have not found a way to forgive his affair, but then how do you forgive any action that cannot be explained? Anyone have some words of encouragement ?!

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Wife having emotional affairs with three ex-boyfriends

I have been married for around 7 months. A month back, I was using my wife's phone to check IM (WhatsApp) messages, with her permission, as my phone was not working. I noticed a message from a guy which said, "hugs, missing you" and my wife had replied with "miss you too". I was alarmed a bit but let it go thinking it might have been a very good friend.

10 days back, I was checking mails on laptop and her account opened as she had forgotten to log out. On the very top, there was a chat with the same guy, which ended with "love you" and "love you too". I felt sick in the stomach. I did some more investigations in her emails, FB chats and IM chats.

What did I find? There were 3 guys, all of whom she was involved with in the past (including physical relations). She was chatting with them almost daily, as a couple would chat. Lots of "love you" and "miss you"s, kisses and hugs...

None of these guys live in my city.

Guy A: My wife had told her parents that he wanted to marry this guy but her parents were not willing. I didn't know any of this before marriage. He had come to my city a month back and my wife was upset about him not telling her in advance. She was upset about not getting to meet him in person.

Guy B: My wife wrote to him that she wishes she was married to him instead of me and how she missed out on it. A month before our marriage, she asked him to continue keeping in touch with her and not "forget her".

Guy C: My wife mentioned to him that she was not satisfied with our sex life.

Confrontation: I confronted her couple of days back and at first I got denial and trickle truth. When I showed her the proofs, she said that she was talking to them because our relationship was not doing well but she wants to be with only me. She was not willing to share any details about who these guys were and nature of her relationships with them.

I started behaving distantly with her as I couldn't bear to even look at her face. We had another talk last night and she again blamed me and said that she went to these guys because I was not treating her well. That is not true at all, there has been no emotional/physical abuse from my side. I have been a good husband, best I could be.

She also continues to underestimate the extent of her involvement with these guys. She has a problem with the term ex-boyfriends and says that all three were just good friends. She also said that she was not physically involved with any of these guys. The mails and chats I have suggest completely opposite. I am sure that even if one of the guys was staying in the same city as mine, there would have been a PA already.

What should I do? I am in a very difficult place right now. I feel betrayed. I feel like I don't even know my wife anymore. If she would have been continuing affair with an ex-boyfriend because she couldn't marry him, I could have understood it. But she is flirting with THREE of her ex-boyfriends at the same time (she might have even dated them at the same time, from the dates of mails and chats). How could a person do that?

Any advice appreciated.

tl;dr: Wife having simultaneous emotional affairs with THREE of her ex-boyfriends. I have proofs. When confronted, got denial and trickle truth.

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Husband almost never "WOWed"

Hi all,

Here's a weird question... does anyone have a spouse that is not very expressive? My husband is a really even-keeled guy. I recognize that every personality trait has a good and a bad side, and the fact that he is not particularly emotional makes him grounded and reliable - he is my rock.

However, once and a while, I just want to WOW him, you know? Knock his socks off. And even though I should know after 13 years that it's just not in his nature, I still TRY... to no avail.

For example, about 6 months ago, we attended a fundraiser together. I really kicked it up a notch - hair, makeup, and a killer dress. I felt confident. He saw me, smiled, said hi... and that was it. No "you look great" or anything like that. I was pretty disappointed. Yet, sometimes, I'll be hanging around at home in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'll get "you're so beautiful, baby." Um... what? Thanks?

So, does anyone else have a spouse like this? If so, have you ever been able to finally get the reaction you were looking for?

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Is it possible to move on after catching wife in the act?

I'm here because I'm trying to save my marriage. I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have 2 boys together. She is not from here as I met her in Singapore. I was in the military back then and I met her there during a port visit. We kept in contact over time and I took leave to visit her. I fell in love with her and I ended up getting her a visa to come live with me in the states. My family as well as my friends told me not to do it because they thought she was just using me to come here. I did not feel that way because she gave me no reason to believe that she was using me. We spoke almost everyday, talked on skype, and wrote each other letters. I had never seen a woman so beautiful and I was infatuated with her. We were both in love and I knew back then that I made the right decision.

I've since gotten out of the military and I've taken a job working off shore. Sometimes I am out 3 weeks at a time and sometimes it's 2 weeks. Although I spend a lot of time away from my family, I love them and give them everything that they need. I make really good money on this job (6 figures) and my wife or children have never needed anything. I thought I had the perfect life.
When I'm home, I try to do all the work I can get caught up around the house. I let my wife handle all the financials and I try to do most of the heavy lifting. To make a long story short, I couldn't keep up with our lawn maintenance because it would grow too long while I was away. I didn't want my wife to do it so I decided to hire a company to come in and cut it every week. I hired these guys back in 2012 and they have been doing odd jobs for us ever since. Not only did they handle the landscaping, they did other things such as installing tile and molding in the bathroom. I became friends with the owner (his name is Alejandro) and there was no indication that he had any kind of relationship with my wife.

Back in June, I came home a week early because of issues with a ship at work. My intention was to surprise my wife and spend the day with her before picking up the kids from school. I pulled up to the house and saw the landscaping tools out front. I didn't see anyone working out front so I assumed they were working in the back. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary but I made my wife in the house and found my wife in the living room with Alejandros's junk in her mouth while another man was having sex with her doggy style. There was at least 6-7 other men in the room and all of them were naked. I recognized all of them as being the men I had hired. My first reaction was to save her because I thought she was getting raped. I charged in but it immediately became apparent that this was no rape. The room was trashed with condoms and dirty clothes everywhere. All those little ****ers scattered and ran out as soon as they saw me. I can't describe the feeling but I immediately went into shock. It felt like a bad dream. My wife was there trying to tell me what had happened all the while with semen in her hair and butt naked in my living room. God I wish I can get these images out of my head because it was a nightmare. I ended up leaving the house and getting a hotel. I knew that if I stayed, I would have put my hands on her and would have ended up in jail.

Time passed and I took time off of work because I was having suicidal thoughts and I was depressed. I couldn't believe that I was out trying to make money and she was back home sleeping with the landscaping crew. She tried to say that she was lonely and first she only slept with Alejandro. She said that he would come in the house while the other guys were working and flirt with her. She claims that this was only the second time that they had sex and she swore that the other men that were in the room (naked) were only watching. She said that she didn't want the other man to have sex with her from behind but the thought excited her since she wanted sex and I wasn't around. This hurt me because some of it doesn't make sense. Still, this doesn't explain why she decided to have an orgy with him and his crew. It didn't explain why she decided to do this without first bringing her problems to me. I know I'm not perfect and I knew that I missed a lot of time from home. Still, I gave her and my sons everything they needed and they had the perfect life.

I've been going to therapy and I've calmed down a lot. I've been talking to my wife and she convinced me to move back in the house in December. It's been hard because I've felt that I have been the laughing stock of the entire neighborhood. She says that she is sorry and that she would never do anything like this again. She has given me all of the passwords and I have access to the phone bill. I've quit my job working off shore because I want to be closer to home. I feel somewhat guilty for being away so long at a time and I feel that is one of the contributors to her cheating. I don't feel secure enough when I leave the house and I always feel that she may be cheating on me. Alejandro tried to call me multiple times to apologize and when I finally spoke to him, I told him I would break his neck if he came in my area again. That has not made things better and I'm looking for a way to forgive me wife and move on. Just today, we had some vacuum salemen come to our door and my wife let them in. I did not like the way she was talking with them because she seemed to be flattered and just overall too happy to see them. It pissed me off and when they left, we had a big fight because I accused her of wanting to sleep with them. I left for a few hours to cool my head but I went back to apologize. I'm trying to trust her but now I feel that she could be cheating at any time when I'm not around. Am I crazy or am I a fool for trying to make things work with this woman? Should I just blindly trust her and hope for the best? What can I do to rekindle this marriage and stop being so paranoid? I know this is long but thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice.

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Valentine's Night Blues?

This is my first Valentine's night alone in over 10 years. I'm close to being ready to get back out in the game, but I'm not quite there yet.

Didn't think it would bother me, and it wasn't until my POS XW had the nerve to ask me if I had plans, and if I didn't would I mind watching our son because she does have plans, and her babysitter fell thru. Of course I declined.

Since then I've been feeling blue, I know she's a POS and has had no trouble moving on, but it still hurts...but just wondering if any others are in the same boat.

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Housemate/boyfriend dilemma - please help!

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 months now. I am at Uni and live in a house with 3 other girls. My boyfriend comes round pretty regularly, we see each other at least 3 times per week, he always comes round mine and we cook for each other and then do uni work together. So last night it was valentine's day I texted my housemates early to tell them that he was coming round and will be sleeping over in my room. I thought this was Ok as he doesn't live near me, money is tight and getting a taxi back late at night would be a nightmare. Also I thought I was giving them plenty of notice as this was 9am. Plenty of people have slept over at my house before in my other housemate's rooms. We weren't doing anything special, just planning to order a takeaway then watch a film together in my room. It wasn't like we wanted the house to ourselves or anything. Anyway, one of them text back multiple times telling me (and I quote) 'we haven't discussed this as a house', 'it would have been better to ask', 'you know how I feel about this!' (we are all christians and I know she doesn't agree with sex before marriage). As I was in lecture at the time this was a pretty heated text debate as you can imagine and I don't know where I stand. Eventually, I told her that we can discuss it at a later date, but that my plans haven't changed. So he did come round and it turned out to be a great night. But now there's a frosty atmosphere in the house with this one girl who evidently completely disagrees with the idea of my boyfriend staying over (this is the first time he had stayed over). I have no idea how to resolve this as I feel in the minority. I am also very very confused.

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Update - suspect he's having doubts?

My H has been blocking out his emotions since he ended things 4 weeks ago, he's been acting as though he doesn't care & never loved me which I doubted was the truth but had to take what he was saying as the truth. He was rebelling in a huge way i suppose and took control of the situation in the only way he knew how. I know him VERY well & I think maybe that he has panicked and ended things as he couldn't handle the situation anymore and was scared of feeling trapped like he has in the past.

He had come out of rehab and removed the drugs/drink but both our behaviours & issues were still there so we fell straight back into the same old pattern, neither of us were happy & i believe it had to happen to allow us both to step back and reassess the situation. Anyway, we have 2 children together plus a business together so we see each other daily and are in regular contact. My H was adamant that right now he can't be with me & he doesn't know about the future but for now he wants to be able to do what he wants and find out who he is, I do understand this as he's finally drug free for the first time in his whole adult life and he's exploring what he wants, shame it had to effect me tho! I have made clear to him that I agree right now we can't be together & that we both have work to do on ourselves individually but that sometime in the future I think we could work things out. We are going to relate but this is strictly for communication for the kids sakes at the moment (h is choice).

We agreed in the last relate session some points to reduce the animosity & arguments and it's worked wonders - we've been like the best of friends the past week and it's really felt like old times, our deep connection is still there and we've enjoyed each other's company again. H has hinted a lot the past few days that maybe his love for me is there after all, I told him I suspected he is suppressing it because right now he wants to be free and if he admits his real feelings he'll have to act on that, he replied "yes I think your probably right" he's also said lots of times that this situation is for now and he doesn't want a divorce, we don't know what the future will bring etc. He's also said he misses his family very much & that he wishes he did love me.

He has so many built up resentments towards me from whilst he was deep in addiction and so I'm not at all surprised he can't feel love for me, he's dealing with these issues through a 12 step programme and I'm also doing a 12 step programme myself to help me assess my life & see where I want to go. Im trying not to build my hopes up as he's not said outright that he's having doubts but hes hinted on it lots & his actions very much suggest that he is... I'm trying to give him the space he needs to figure out how he feels & working on myself, I'm also trying to show him the many good points of our marriage. Hard to strike a balance tho!!

Anyway I just wanted to update & share, I'm living each day as it comes and not thinking about the future right now - the thought of the future without him is too painful! x

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Looks like its over

Well it all started two years ago 23 Dec 2011. I came back from golf and she told me that she no longer loved me and I was not coming on our holiday ( we always go to Cobram with her parents). I was ****ing floored as this was just out of the blue. Well she moved back to her parents with the kids and after about 6 weeks and 10k in lawyers cost she caled me the weekend do Australia Day and said she felt guilty about Aidan having to change schools and came back...just like that! She had suffered 2 bouts of depression the first being post natal after Joel and then she had a second bout. She was on the anti dep for 6 months before deciding she didn't want to be on them anymore so stopped and all this is happened about 6 months later. Her excuse was that I didn't do enough around the house so I said I would change. Since then I do most of the washing, hanging up clothes, taking them down, ironing and some cleaning as well as working 6 days a week. I've alway s been there for my kids, I take them to school every day and put them to bed every night.
This time around she found some emails and SMS to a girl I work with and I admit I was in the wrong BUT at no time did I ever have an affair and the emails were more just fun emails with nothing proactive except maybe an x at the end. So this is what started it this time around. She says she doesn't love me and it hasn't changed from 2 years ago when it first started..... I think she still has depression but could never bring it up as I would be shot down with her denials. She now wants to sell our house and move closer to her parents. What I don't get is that I know I'm not perfect but I've never been abusive physically or verbally, I've always told her how beautiful she is to me, I've always taken care of my kids and my family has always been the most important thing in my life. I figure, if there is a problem, you address it and try and work at the marriage get Counselling etc not just give up on it...especially when there are two beautiful kids involved.

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How do I do this?

A Happy New Years gift to me was my wife letting me know "ILYBANILWY" I'm sure so many of you know the spiel. We have talked R and just over a week ago she said she would try, i found out today that her EA wasn't ended but if anything has intensified. I am so in love with her and can't believe I am here writing this, we've been married 13yrs and have three kids, currently we sleep in separate rooms.

How the hell do i make the next step? I don't want to sit here in Limbo land, it's hell on earth but the thought of actually splitting up is killing me. It's all just so AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm hurting, scared and so terrified of starting again, how do you do this?

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Girl asks if friends can join us...

Basically I asked this girl out, I asked if she would like to hangout together on Monday.
She said yes she'd love to, and I said I'd text her so we can work out the details.

I texted her a few days later and asked her if she's like to do xyz, and 7pm.
She didn't reply...

...two days later I get a reply. At 10.45pm, she sent me:
"hey I'm good, hows you?" Mondays great! Though I'm terrible at xyz, so do you think we should ask others to join us as well? :)"

Erm. Really don't know what exactly this means. Is she still interested? Am I screwed?
How do I respond to her message?
Is there any hope?

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Preparing For Marriage and How to Pick a Spouse

Hi Ladies! I'm looking for advice about how to pick a spouse and how to be prepared for marriage. I grew up around marriages that I honestly don't even know if they were functional or completely dysfunctional because the adults are so good at hiding really bad things- but my family on both sides generally stay married until the death of one spouse.

I also have had a bad relationship with my mother my whole life. She's loud and aggressive, and I'm shy and quiet. She's a tomboy personality, and I'm a girly-girl. I just never liked dealing with her too much and prefered my father who is a lot like me- quiet and nice. She sensed this, and pretty much disliked me in return and treated me negatively, causing me to dislike myself for a long time. I think it might have something to do with my personality.

I myself got married young- following in the tradition of my family. I married a man who I "liked/loved" right after college because I thought he was a decent guy and that he'd be a good husband. And my mom had advised me to get married. Well, it turned out to be a disaster for a ton of different reasons: 1) we were long distance the entire marriage, 2) we come from 2 totally different cultures, 3) we have conflicting personalities, and 4) he comes from a background where people don't get married or they get divorced, so he had no will to save our marriage.

I also spent a couple of years dating someone I don't think was ever marriageable- he's in his mid-30s and is highly educated and good looking, but he also has Asperger's Syndrome and is an high functioning alcoholic.

Now I'm over 30, and I'm just wondering what I can do improve my life and eventually get married and have children. I am very shy and don't naturally like going out- I'm a homebody, and I get that from my family. I also don't have a ton of friends, especially since I finished grad school and moved for work. I do think I'm attractive, a good person, and that I can be a great spouse and mother- especially if I ever meet the right person to marry.

Any ideas on how I can help myself- I think I'm picking them wrong or that I don't even know what good is! Also, for women who are successful in marriage or relationships, do you know of anything constructive and effective I can do to prepare myself to meet the RIGHT man and then be succesful in a relationship with him?

Thanks! :)

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How To Make New Friends After Vicious Break-Up?/ How To Deal With Anger After Break?

I don't usually do this but I thought I'd do it on here cause this is literally driving me mad.

Basically I'm a student at University in my second year and ever since about a month in, I went out with this girl. We even moved in together after our supposed friend left us out in the high and dry. However in this relationship there were massive problems, we had almost contact arguments and I honestly tried my best to stop them.

However there was always one standard for her and one standard for me with everything and she was almost constantly ill which put even more strain on me as a person. Not a serious illness but a hard illness combined with her depression made it so tough on me. I don't want to sound mean but I now realise that she was emotionally abusive, I gave up interests to suit her, I felt afraid to voice my own opinion and I felt emasculated completely. I got very angry all the time out of her refusal to change or even compromise and I admit I shouted but I was under so much stress. I've gained about a stone and a half in eight months and I've always been a healthy guy.

She was also a Lesbian who was raped at one point and she claims that I'm the only guy she'd ever felt interested in (this is true). I note this so you're not confused when I talk about her with other girls. She also took my virginity. I've had two other GF'S with sexual contact but she was the first.

It all came to a head when I had tried to get her to get help relating to her rape and she carried on with her self-physical abuse and making me out like the bad guy. I just couldn't cope anymore and I had to leave otherwise I would snap.

She cried and that and told me I was the one constant and that she had secretly started therapy the week before and that I was leaving her out to dry. I told her that it was making both of us unhappy and I couldn't deal with it anymore. But I would always be there for her as a friend to help deal with the rape and that. I was the first person she ever told about the rape.

Luckily I found another apartment and we managed to get that sorted out.

This is where it gets bad:

Basically I decided to start again, start reaching out to friends and go cinema and get healthy again. However, you must know that I go to a highly technical course, there's only thirteen of us on the course including me and my ex and there's only two societies - an LGBT society and a Christian society neither of which appeal to me. Most people don't like me and so I only have limited opportunisties to get out with the few guys (those who left us in the high and dry originally) to the cinema but they either have GF's or aren't interested in that sort of thing e.g. meeting girls and that.

Now what's driving me mad is that my ex is completely moved on. I'm from a foreign nation so I don't know anybody here, but she's from a town two hours away and so she's got all her friends and she's constantly out and about, at clubs, at cinema's and so on. What's hurt the most however is that I found out about three days after we broke up she slept with a girl as a rebound and now she's dating another girl.

What makes it bad is that she always said that she believed that she would have a little bit that loved me and I disagreed at the time. Turns out that I was correct as she says she hates me as a person and that nobody likes me. In fact she didn't love me at all, she just fooled herself into believing it. Even worse she says she's told other people about the rape and is fine with it and that she faked every orgasm other the past month or two. I feel so hurt I was so angry at the guy who done it and wanted her to get help but now she's fine with it. Just so much pain for nothing for me.

It hurts to find out that all she said was BS and even worse that she's actually said she never thought she could be so happy and that I made her the unhappiest ever. I done something stupid after we spent all night talking about how we felt and she told me all the things about how she hates me and I'm evil and nobody likes me. In fact it was me was the reason the guys refused to move in with us despite prior agreeing. At the end it all calmed down and for some insane reason I thought I would give her a peck on the lips. She just went off ASAP and I felt like an idiot.

The weird thing is that I feel freer than I've ever been for a long time and I'm honestly not attracted to her in anyway, I have no idea what I was thinking. I guess that several drinks and staying up to eight in the morning might have had something to do with it.

I just write here to seek advice; I feel I'm fat, stupid and ugly and that nobody will love me again. People look at me like I'm a freak. I honestly just want to cry with frustration because she made me a man I never wanted to be for so long and haven't been for a long time. She's just completely moved on easily in three weeks despite saying that she said never would and would be sad and furthermore all the problems that she cried and self-harmed about are now solved. Apparently I was the reason she was sad about the rape and I caused her and everybody else nothing but unhappiness.

Does anybody have any advice of how I could get over this frustration? I don't want her back and I think that I just miss having a GF not her. To be honest I feel mad with jealously that she could get over it in a matter of days, bounce back and honestly not give a **** despite telling me that she would in the past and making such a big deal out of it and changing my view to that of hers e.g. you always love somebody yet when it came down to it, she didn't feel that way at all. You may not want to be with them like I don't but you still care a bit.

I know I've made stupid mistakes in dealing with this and I feel like hitting myself over how dumb I've been. I just feel so desolate. I always said I wanted to get out with her and visit places and do things but she never wanted to do them yet now she blames me for holding her back. If I had ever showed any signs I would understand but I literally said she should get friends, go out and have a hell of a time, not always with me. I feel I wasted a year of my life for nothing, having my heart and soul demanded of me for everything and now she's moved on completely. I do feel free but it just hurts to see her so at ease with the whole thing when compared with the melodrama that ensued before.

I have started making steps. I go to the gym again (I've lost three pounds) and I have started going back out with some guys. But it still drives me and I don't want to feel this at all.

Any words for me. How can I meet new people around my age who aren't at my Uni considering there is really no options?

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Hussein of Jerusalem

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One year for every four years???

The DivorceCare group and several other sources I have been researching are saying that a person must stay alone for 1 year for every 4 years they were married after separating.

That will work out to about 8 years for me.

It is said this allows healing and ensures that a person won't jump into another flawed relationship.

Does this seem correct?

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Agenda 21 at work

Farming, gardening and raising organic animals. Anyone Can Farm

Please read thank you.
Nutshell they are trying to make pigs illegal to farm.

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