Hello Tam,
Clearly this is my first post, and in all honesty I have no idea what the result of the post will be with the exception of a sincere thank you to all of you folks who take the time out of your lives to address the heartfelt concerns of newcomers.
I am not sure if I am ready to tell my story at this point, although Im sure some of it will be detailed in general terms below. While I am fairly social and well adjusted, I guess I am a private person with respect to "family issues".
Other than my sincere thanks which I have felt compelled to say this week surely there is some therapy in writing these words.
Us:
BS (Me) 42
WW or maybe WAW (44)
DS 11
DD 14
Married 13 years together for 15 years.
We met when we were about 27 and in my mind experienced enough, we had both had time to play the field etc. She had me at hello, and I her. What followed was of course bliss. The typical euphoria of falling in love etc.
Anyways we ave had issues over time like any couple I suppose. Nothing over the top or so I assumed. There was a particular issue which I will address
later.
So in the spring which followed a very tough winter work wise for both of us. We both have demanding careers, in addition to the brutal winters we have here North of 49. We were just finishing a major renovation of our home which of course was addition stress. The point being I began to notice a change in my wife. Working more at night (at home in her office), more distant, cell phone locked, etc, etc. I could sense the change but with both of us wrapped up in our work **** I didn't really pay any attention to it. As time went on though I could sense something was wrong, wrong enough to compel me to start reading, which thankfully brought me here. I read and I read.
I can say that I would come to the infidelity forum and read the accounts of people and the responses of the regulars, the end outcome and I empathized. After you so many of them you see the script, the denials of the BS, the realization of the BS, so,so heartbreaking. I had to stop reading as I would often find myself in tears for these strangers. It was just so heartbreaking to see. There was always the "not my spouse" , but it always was.
Imagine my horror when I started to take some of this advice with respect to cell phone bills, credit cards, etc. To see that my very own marriage was running on the exact script was devastating beyond words. On more than one occasion I approached my wife with questions about the texting, the charges etc, and of course I got gas lighted in the extreme. As you all know when you are in it you want to believe this but it is so contrary to what your gut and logic are telling you. I can say I thought I was going crazy. I lost 30 lbs, sleeping 3 hours a night, etc. A very painful realization after the fact is to know that your spouse can see you disintegrating before your eyes but continues to deny. This is one aspect I will never be able to reconcile in my mind. To be clear I had approached her numerous times during this period in a calm and rational way to say...if you are unhappy, and are having a affair lets talk about it. I pleaded with her to talk about it, and not drag me an y further into this. Denials at every turn, gas-lighting all the way.
I recognize this post will be disjointed, like I said I am not sure I can do all the details yet. The affair started in April, my real suspicion started in July and was confirmed in the most exquisitely painful way August 14th. I will get to all that perhaps later.
I have learned so much here, not just about affairs, but about people, how one creates a marriage situation where this
may seem like a option for a spouse tec. I have truly ve at come full circle with it all, with having no one to talk to. This in thanks to you all.
To give some perspective of what I own. That is, my responsibility in creating emotional detachment over the years from the women who I adored. I am extremely successful in my career. I manage large projects, which entails, people, schedules, and of course capital. People would tell you that I am a problem solver at a high level. I am a people person. The corporation considers me the relationship builder. Not only clients and partners, but the young people we are charged to mentor and foster. The irony here is this same patience, understanding, I was never able able to translate to our children. From their young age I was none of these things. I was quite detached. No abuse or anything, I love my kids. But I was detached in way.
This went on for years and of course this was very painful for my wife, who approached me on several occasions over the years to tell me how much this hurt her. It hurt not only her but of course how over time she intimated how I would struggle with the kids. Here is the thing, I was not ignorant to it. Indeed, I was painfully aware of it, would acknowledge it, set my mind to do better, but never could. I was never able to reconcile how I could be so good with people and relationships away from home, but not able to apply this where it matter the most, which was the kids. To be clear, I never had this issue with my wife, she would tell you that I treated her like a queen. But like all mothers, watching this interaction with the kids had its toll.
As time went on with my acknowledgment of the issue and seeing in my kids, and certainly the displeasure from my wife I began to withdrawal from family activities. My rationale being if I did not participate there would be no disputes, and as a resut everyone would be happier. So, so wrong. O course this just amplified my wife's detachment, I see all this know thanks to all you folks.
For the record, I did go to IC in the spring to mange my issue. The good news is in about 3 sessions she was le to see what the issue was and things have been complete 180 with the kids. They would tell you that, and its been great. My wife would tell you the same thing,unfortunately too late, and damage done as far as detachment from wife.
Anyways, I realize that is disjointed, and not the full story, but like I said, my goal for the first post was just to thank you all for being here. Its been the most painful last 2 months of my life. You all have been beyond helpful in getting me to where I am now. Do I still hurt? You bet, its very painful, but I understand so much more thanks to all of you.
Put the internet to work for you.
Turn off or edit this Recipe
