I found a forum that is now read only that asked the following questions:
Hi, It's always in the back of my mind that one day H could find out about my A. Has anyone thought how they would be effected if they got caught? Would it be the end of your marriage? Would you leave your OM to save your marriage or divorce H? Would H forgive and forget ? –
The answers are pretty much what we already know but it's extremely interesting (at least for me) to see it stated by a WS.
I've had a few close calls in my past. I never admited anything ("just friends"), denied 100%, and my H always believed me. Though there were never any physical evidence – no weird texts, e-mails or anything, just "somebody who saw me with some guy" and one time it was so bizare I still can't believe I had my H fooled . So my primary concern is to leave no physical evidence. I delete every text and e-mail. But I don't lie of my "friendships".
My H knows I have some male-friends and hang out sometimes also with my male co-workers (always plural .So if I get seen in public, it seems quite innocent. For me it's acctualy much harder to keep it secret at work (we are co-workers) than at home. Because co-workers see us together and somebody who would pay a close attention to us and have good intuition could probably see the sparks between us, as the body language is very hard to control. So I'd only admit to my H if he had some pictures of us having sex or kissing or something like that. Otherwise never. If I did, I'd try to minimize (just few times, no emotions etc.) and I wouldn't want a divorce. I wouldn't leave my OM as well, I'd just be extra careful.
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My marriage would be over. There would be no forgiveness in my H part. My MM would leave me instantly for fear of losing his W. He will never leave her and most likely if she found out about the affair, she would stay with him. They have a much closer relationship with each other than my H and myself. My MM does anything for his W. I'm surprised he doesn't spoon feed her !!! gag !!!! So yes, I have thought about it. I stand to lose everything.
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A D- day for me would be the end of my marriage as well. There would be nothing I could say or do to make it okay in my H's mind. There would be NO forgiveness for this one from him… So with that being said. I will continue to cross every T and dot every I.. And other than my own mama and you guys.. It's going to my GRAVE
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My assumption has always been if he found out it would be over. But I never included the shades of gray of discovery. OM had a d day of sorts where his W found some messages, he has been able to convince her nothing happened it was an on line only thing, and we continue more cautiously. Does she really believe him NO but she doesn't want to change her circumstances so she is hovering and babysitting him. My H has had several indications of my A. He has caught me texting, then hiding the phone, found a note book were I wrote about how much I hated H and wanted a D, and also a few lines about my A, I've been very mean to him and no longer want sex with him. Lost weight, look better then ever! Basically every sign of an affair has been given to him.
He has questioned me directly and I responded I hate sex why would I have sex with someone else when I don't like it with you?! Does he fully believe me probably not, but admitting to himself there is something going on with his wife would force him to most likely end the marriage. If my H ever decides to hire an investigator or his wife happens by the office when I am visiting these are situations which cannot be denied and would probably result in ugly divorces for both of us. Our affair is like an addiction, we cannot get enough of each other and despite knowing it is dangerous and risky we continue Until you actually walk in those shoes it is difficult to determine what your reaction will be.
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I have no clue what would happen. He has thought I cheated in the past – before I ever had, before we were even married – and he still married me. But if faced with actual proof, I don't really think he would forgive me. And, quite frankly, I wouldn't want him to. I am not cheating for the thrill of it, or for "extra" sex. I cheat because I'm wholly unsatisfied in my marriage. The last thing I would want is to stay in it without my outlet. My affair keeps me sane
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A d-day for me would be catastrophic…no lie. End of marriage? Without a doubt. Family brawl? More than likely. Multiple people hating me for years to come? Oh, yeah. That is why I try to be VERY careful.
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I don't know what would happen to be honest. H would be devastated since his father had a mistress for over 30yrs and everyone was well aware of it except his mom. H and his whole family have deep emotional scars from that. Initially I thought our M would be over and I thought I would be ok with it but now I am not sure. H can't do anything without me and doesn't have a clue about the functions of our household. I think it would depend on how sorry I was and tried to make it up to him.
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My H has already told me that he would forgive me if i had an affair. I worry about what my children would think, say, do. I think my youngest daughter would have a very hard time forgiving me for betraying her father. They are very close.
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Well I had a D day of sorts this weekend, I was able to talk my way out of it somewhat but my H is on super alert now. I think he knows but is in denial because he doesn't want things to change, he is quite happy in our marriage as he has everything he wants. He has gone through this with a cheating spouse in his first marriage so I hope that full disclosure or actual physical proof never surfaces because it will absolutely devastate him and he will not able to deny it to himself anymore and then that would be the end of my marriage, and I'm sure he would not let it end gracefully. It would be something that he would make sure everyone found out about, something he would remind me of on a daily basis and something that he would never ever let go of.
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I think my M would survive. H needs me. His first wife cheated their entire marriage and he knew but didn't know, you know? H's bro and Dad both had A's and married their APs. He wouldn't want that to happen. Plus we are both too old and need each other and have a little one. We would stay together for him.
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Please allow me to share a reality of getting caught, not a what if. I too thought my marriage would end. It has not, yet. My H said he felt like he could forgive me in the first week after he found out. I never once ever saw him cry in our 12 years of marriage. I was the lowest I have ever felt when he cried on the couch. I couldn't get him to stop and couldn't take it so I left. Sure, the romance left a long time ago, but he still was my best friend and he was always counted on.
To see him like that made me cry too. I wanted to run away but had nowhere to go. It was like that time I watch titanic watch Leonardo DiCaprio slip away into the sea but that feeling I had in the movie was one that last for weeks and weeks. Now, he is not the same man. If you reconcile, your spouse will want to know every detail. Things like, was he bigger, did it feel good, where, how often, why, and on and on. These questions are asked repeatedly over and over. None of my answers are good enough because no way I can tell him all. It's not easy. I was forced to leave my job because of my affair was with a man who's wife also owned the business. My man's wife wasn't going to have it and he was not going to split that business. He turned on me and was an *******.
I took a $20,000 reduction in pay with my new job because I was so scared my husband was going to leave. It didn't take long for the word to get out. About everyone knows now. Being embarrassed all the time is not so good. I feel alone because our friends seemed never to know what to say to me. They are always friendly but most seem to avoided me. They don't invite me out anymore. I do have some new friends though. My daughter didn't talk to me for 3 weeks. She then started to act out. My daughter said she hated me. My mom said she was disappointed in me and thought I was a better woman. That was like a knife in my gut. She thinks the world of my husband and I often feels she slights me. I just don't feel I get the attention I once got. It hurts me. The shame and guilt of what I did is still with me. Twice, I just laid in my shower balled up in a panic. My husband still cries in front of me. I cry too because I hate myself for hurting my family. I don't feel so good right now. I never thought I would ever be depressed like this. I am and cannot seem to pull myself out.
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If I were to get caught I know it would destroy my H. I'm not sure what would happen to our M. As far as my family goes, they would support me. I know they wouldn't be pleased with my actions though. What I fear is my H's family. I literally have the Mother-in-law from hell. She already dislikes me and has caused numerous problems throughout my entire R with my H. My H is a loving and forgiving person. He's not the grudge holding type. I know his mother would do anything to destroy me (including telling my stepdaughters) if she found out.
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This is so weird for me. Reading all these posts of devastation, family break-ups, etc. I can fully understand but my experience was SO hugely different. My H found out about my month-long affair (I was on vacation alone as he was "working" ) soon as he joined me. He cried once, then wanted me to comfort him! He has never cried again or expressed sorrow over my A. He never even asked me to apologize. I think its 'cause I took the offensive and turned it around on him…"if you'd been here it wouldn't have happened…" So I never did apologize, good thing, as I'm not sorry. For all I knew, our M was over as he wouldn't come on vacation!! And, H NEVER wanted to know any details of the A either…we never did or do talk about it, until OM1 died, then H was very supportive! He is afraid of jeopardizing our M so has been more affectionate than ever. I have been more distant! And I have told a couple close friends, who totally support me and are not judgemental at all. Doesn't seem to be a big deal to anyone, really. I'm so sorry others here have had such horrible, life-rending experiences. I can totally see how it could tear a M and family apart
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I honestly beleive your husband had that reaction because he was in an affair himself. I told my husband to go out and have one so he can get even. He says he won't do it. I wish he had cheated on me but says no. I still get asked the same questions over and over. I'm sick of my life. I quit my job because I was so bad at it because the drug for my depression sucks. I need to change it. I over heard my mother talking to my husband and I feel so betrayed by my own mother. She dosen't know what to say to me. It's like, I woke up from this dream and now real life slapped me in my face. It's now been months and I cannot seem to get out of my shame.
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I would assume my marriage would be over. And unless I was going straight into the arms of my OM, it wouldn't be so good as I am mostly dependent on H. I don't work except for little temporary jobs here and there, but I don't bring in enough to support myself. So it would be an absolute disaster. If my M ever ended, I would much rather my A remain unknown simply because of how I would look to my family (parents, siblings, etc.).
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I have been a "kept woman" (not in a Princess way, more in the traditional "stay at home mom" kind of way). I am a freelance performing artist, and I doubt that I could get enough full-time work to support myself in the lifestyle that I am accustomed to. So I am scared "****-less" about getting caught. My OM does not seem emotionally vested in his relationship with his SO, he says he's only with her for their children's sake. If we got caught and she kicked him out, he can move on, be financially independent and hopefully work things out with the children. So it doesn't see like he has as much to lose.
He's very comfortable and secure about the risk he is taking with me. But for me, I would lose EVERYTHING. I'd be out on the streets. I don't have my own checking account, savings account- anything…Everything is joint. My H trusts me, loves me and plans to take care of me til our dying day. Not to mention the possibility of losing my children and the shame of it all… So my question is: Do you…Have you…Is it okay to…When do you… have the conversation with your OM about "Will you catch me if "we fall" – or get caught?" I am only 3 months into my EMR and its an affair of the heart- living in the moment kind of thing and I don't want to scare him. But its a reality that we should both consider. Should I have this discussion with him?
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I assure you, that for most of you who haven't yet been caught (and frankly most of you will), you really don't know how you will react. I certainly thought I would react one way, but in the face of reality, I had the opposite reaction. You really can't know until you're there. Until you face the unbelievable pain in the face of your spouse and maybe your kids. Until you think of the financial, logistical, familial, professional and social ramifications of it all. it was like a wake up call for me. I was no longer in the fog. Frankly, I'm glad I got caught. I feel happier and less stressed now, even though rebuilding my marriage has not been easy.
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I have thought about things in the event that my M falls apart…if I actually did go straight to OM, it would be obvious to everyone that we were having an A all along. But like you, H trusts me (as far as I know) and as much as things are hot/cold, sometimes H is so nice that I would feel terrible if he found out. On the other hand, I am completely into OM and he's treated me better in 3 months of knowing each other than H has in 4 years of marriage that I would be willing to take that risk of losing my marriage if he and I could be together and go public with our R. I've had so many different mind frames throughout my EMA…there have actually been times when I didn't care about getting caught. But I don't know exactly where OM stands on that issue of us being "official" and exclusive.
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I wear the pants in my family and H is a kept man due to his health. Maybe that makes me bolder. I thought about ending my M a few times over the last two years. I honestly don't know what I want now. H loves me very much but he is ill and I'm no longer attracted to him. I'm more nursemaid than wife. I like being in an A and having a real man who desires me and cares for me and makes me feel like a woman. I don't want to hurt H, but I can't be a wife to him anymore. If he found out, he would stay out of his need for me--I think. The one person I wouldn't ever want to find out is my son.
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My marriage would be over, my h would try to take everything he can be very vengeful and my ap and my families are very close friends, it would be a huge mess. His wife thinks I'm one of her best friends. That being said we intend to leave them first then eventually end up together but everyone wool know we have a oat history, I want to just tell them the truth now its ap who wants to do it this way.
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