The guy was waiting for her even though everyone left the class. Why was he waiting for her? They hang around together sometimes.
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When you have had enough let it out. A forum style blog about relationship issues and concerns,join in and have your say.
Really want to date her, but is it a bad time to do so?
Met this really cute girl I was instantly attracted to on a night out with friends. My closest friend told me she was asking about me, so I just wooed her and we ended up making out for a while. I kissed her when she got on her bus too.
She gave me her number and she texted me late the next day.
She's definitely interested in me, but I've got just under 3 weeks before I have to go back to University in the North for a month to do my exams, and then a couple weeks after that before I leave for the summer holidays.
How should I ask her out?
She gave me her number and she texted me late the next day.
She's definitely interested in me, but I've got just under 3 weeks before I have to go back to University in the North for a month to do my exams, and then a couple weeks after that before I leave for the summer holidays.
How should I ask her out?
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Meeting guys at uni
I'll be going to uni this autumn and I was just wondering how this whole meeting/dating guys thing works at uni! Some of my friends who left school last year told me lots of different things so I'd just like to hear any of your experiences! Is it true that freshers week is all about getting laid? And when do people start dating? I meam, I guess it takes some time to settle in and so on!
As I said, I'd love to hear your opinions on the topic! :)
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As I said, I'd love to hear your opinions on the topic! :)
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Making friends at uni
How easy is it to make new friends at uni? And what are some topics you could talk about with someone you just met for the first time? Maybe I'm just being unreasonably nervous, but I'd love to hear some advice! :)
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Uni relationships
I'll try and keep this short! I split up with my boyfriend of nearly two years in Dec last year, we were long distance and it wasn't working for him. I was all up for keeping it going but he wasn't. I was heartbroken when we split for a good few months, until I met somebody else who lived very close to me at uni.
At first I was trying to keep my distance, because I did really like this guy but I knew he was in his last year and would be moving away soon and didn't want a repeat of last boyfriend. However we've got closer over the last few weeks and i'm finding it difficult to say goodbye. He's up for giving it a go, coming to see me/meeting up etc, it's not a long long distance but long enough.
He's a great guy and if we were going to be in the same city next year again undoubtedly i'd be up for thinking about a relationship, even though I was adamant a few weeks ago that I didn't want another boyfriend for a while. But deep down I know I really want to carry on seeing him.
Don't know what advice i'm looking for here just feel slightly doomed, this period of life is so full of change with friends and relationships I actually struggle a little bit to deal with it. Anyone else find it hard not to get attached to people at Uni?
At first I was trying to keep my distance, because I did really like this guy but I knew he was in his last year and would be moving away soon and didn't want a repeat of last boyfriend. However we've got closer over the last few weeks and i'm finding it difficult to say goodbye. He's up for giving it a go, coming to see me/meeting up etc, it's not a long long distance but long enough.
He's a great guy and if we were going to be in the same city next year again undoubtedly i'd be up for thinking about a relationship, even though I was adamant a few weeks ago that I didn't want another boyfriend for a while. But deep down I know I really want to carry on seeing him.
Don't know what advice i'm looking for here just feel slightly doomed, this period of life is so full of change with friends and relationships I actually struggle a little bit to deal with it. Anyone else find it hard not to get attached to people at Uni?
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Getting over someone
So there's this guy at my school and about a year ago we started texting, hooked up and stuff and he wanted a relationship but I felt I wasn't ready. We never really talked about it though and just started to ignore each other.
Two months ago, however, we met again at a party and made out. Then we started texting again and soon we were about to actually get together but again I wasn't sure. But when I finally realised that I did want him, he started to distance himself (infrequenz texting etc.). Last night I found out that he's in a relationship with another girl from my school now. It's just so strange and I feel awful! Please just give my some advice on how I can get over him!
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Two months ago, however, we met again at a party and made out. Then we started texting again and soon we were about to actually get together but again I wasn't sure. But when I finally realised that I did want him, he started to distance himself (infrequenz texting etc.). Last night I found out that he's in a relationship with another girl from my school now. It's just so strange and I feel awful! Please just give my some advice on how I can get over him!
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Don't let incompetents have your money
UPDATE: IL Senate OKs State Retirement Savings Program
Looks like Illinois thinks they need to take employees money and save it for them for anyone working at a company with more than 25 employees that does not have a retirement plan.
Good news in all this is that the employee can opt out.
Illinois is one of the most poorly run states in the US. They have proven that all they do is take money slated for things, such as gov't worker pensions, and use it for their own desires.
They almost doubled our taxes in 2011, with the promise that it was to be used to pay the bills and pay down our mounting debt......they spent it and didn't use it as promised, and they are talking about raising it again. (and the tax increase in 2011 was supposed to be temporary, but they now want it indefinitely)
"The state would oversee the privately managed investment fund.":rofl:
Illinois couldn't manage a piggy bank, let alone all these taxpayers' funds. Guarantee you they will take the 3% from these Illinois workers and either spend it on new pet projects, or use it to mitigate the damage of their pension problems that are strangling this state.
Again, it will be good that they can opt out, and they'd be wise to do so and manage it on their own, if they so desire.
But just wait, there is more to this than saying they want to help them build a retirement account. They will impose new taxes on the businesses.
But wait, what about Social "Security"? I thought it was suppose to be some great program and the best investment for people??
If its so damn good, why do they need to come up with this load of bunk?
Looks like Illinois thinks they need to take employees money and save it for them for anyone working at a company with more than 25 employees that does not have a retirement plan.
Good news in all this is that the employee can opt out.
Illinois is one of the most poorly run states in the US. They have proven that all they do is take money slated for things, such as gov't worker pensions, and use it for their own desires.
They almost doubled our taxes in 2011, with the promise that it was to be used to pay the bills and pay down our mounting debt......they spent it and didn't use it as promised, and they are talking about raising it again. (and the tax increase in 2011 was supposed to be temporary, but they now want it indefinitely)
"The state would oversee the privately managed investment fund.":rofl:
Illinois couldn't manage a piggy bank, let alone all these taxpayers' funds. Guarantee you they will take the 3% from these Illinois workers and either spend it on new pet projects, or use it to mitigate the damage of their pension problems that are strangling this state.
Again, it will be good that they can opt out, and they'd be wise to do so and manage it on their own, if they so desire.
But just wait, there is more to this than saying they want to help them build a retirement account. They will impose new taxes on the businesses.
But wait, what about Social "Security"? I thought it was suppose to be some great program and the best investment for people??
If its so damn good, why do they need to come up with this load of bunk?
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Does sex create an emotional bond, or not?
One of the things I still haven't figured out about men is the fact that when asked, most men say that emotional bonding happens for them through sex with their partner. And yet...many men say they can and do have sex with women without emotional bonding. So which is it?
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My Husband Wont Masturbate in Front of me
A few things
1. My husband won't masturbate in front of me. He does it only when I'm not in the house. He won't even let me give him a hand job. Once, when we were long distance, he masturbated via webcam while I stimulated him visually. But, now that we live together he just won't. And he won't say why, I've asked. Has anyone experienced this?
2. Is it wrong that I feel bad when he masturbates instead of having sex with me. He doesn't initiate sex, but, when I'm gone. He masturbates. I don't understand. Why doesn't he just ask me to have sex? I'm perfectly willing, and he knows this.
1. My husband won't masturbate in front of me. He does it only when I'm not in the house. He won't even let me give him a hand job. Once, when we were long distance, he masturbated via webcam while I stimulated him visually. But, now that we live together he just won't. And he won't say why, I've asked. Has anyone experienced this?
2. Is it wrong that I feel bad when he masturbates instead of having sex with me. He doesn't initiate sex, but, when I'm gone. He masturbates. I don't understand. Why doesn't he just ask me to have sex? I'm perfectly willing, and he knows this.
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Step-dad bought me porn...
My step-dad bought me some porn today but I think he has got the wrong impression of me as I am not gay. Should I just accept or tell him otherwise? I am really embarrassed.
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BF vs BFF?!
my best friend doesn't approve of my relationship. It was a weird, unexpected decision, but hes a great guy. I don't wanna lose any of them. What should i do?
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Why is it so hard to leave someone who isn't right?
How come it's hard to leave someone who isn't right for you? Anyone had this problem before? :S
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My girlfriend is developing an irrational fear of sex
She is a virgin and we have attempted to have sex on three occasions and each time has failed. I'm 20 and she is 19, the first time we tried to have sex she was scared. She was aware that it would hurt/be uncomfortable. She let me put it in a little (half an inch), but at the slightest resistance, she would tell me to stop. I tried explaining to her that I had to push through the hymen, but she was convinced that something bad and abnormal was happening.
This was also repeated on the 2nd and 3rd time but each time she got more anxious about the situation. The 2nd time ended in tears with her telling me she was sorry. We left in 2 months between the 2nd and 3rd try because I just felt that she wasn't mentally prepared. However the 3rd time was just as bad, if not worse than the 2nd. She is convinced that 'it won't fit', but she hasn't even let me try to put it in. I know she has a low pain threshold, so maybe the idea of pain is what is making her the way she is. I don't want to make her feel pressured, she tells me that she is ready and that she wants to do it, but each time she seems to have a mental breakdown.
How can I help her overcome this?
This was also repeated on the 2nd and 3rd time but each time she got more anxious about the situation. The 2nd time ended in tears with her telling me she was sorry. We left in 2 months between the 2nd and 3rd try because I just felt that she wasn't mentally prepared. However the 3rd time was just as bad, if not worse than the 2nd. She is convinced that 'it won't fit', but she hasn't even let me try to put it in. I know she has a low pain threshold, so maybe the idea of pain is what is making her the way she is. I don't want to make her feel pressured, she tells me that she is ready and that she wants to do it, but each time she seems to have a mental breakdown.
How can I help her overcome this?
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What does it mean if someone looks at you a lot
Does it mean they fancy you if you make eye contact and they stare? I think this is awkward.
But what about less obvious things, like looking at you but not as obviously, what does that mean?
But what about less obvious things, like looking at you but not as obviously, what does that mean?
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Boyfriend wants to quit his job
So me and my boyfriend are planning to move into together june time and we are both in reasonably well paid jobs (I earn around £1100 where he earns around £1000) - we've literally just had a couple of days apart as I we we're getting frustrated with each other as i want to start saving money whereas if he wants to go out, he'll go out - I think his words were 'I don't like being told what to do' - anyway I gave him a couple of days to think about whether he wanted to be with me and get a place together which he eventually said yes too - he's only been in this job for about 2 months and it's sales based and he's not liking it - he text me earlier saying he wants to leave as he can't do the job anymore in which I replied that it was fine but he needs to find another job first - he replied saying he just wants to leave so I don't know how to say to him that if he's serious about getting a place together he needs to stay and be earning because I can't support us both. Any advice? Thanks :)
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AQA English Literature GCSE Poems
Does anybody know what poems are classified as "foundation" in the Character and Voice section of the GCSE Anthology booklet? It would be so helpful to know! Thanks
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Does it matter if your boyfriend is unmotivated?
I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and he's wonderful and makes me happy. But I can't seem to get over the fact that he is so unmotivated about his future prospects. I'm 21 and I take our relationship seriously, and so does he, and we've talked about the future. Personally I'm an extremely driven and ambitious person, so the fact that he's not ticks me off, but I don't know whether I'm being fussy or not, maybe it shouldn't matter and I should just be happy with his personality?
We both attend a good university and he's studying law and he knows that he'd like to become a solicitor. But he's repeating first year because he failed it last year, and he's still not doing well, and I think this is down to laziness because he's intelligent. I've heard it takes a lot of commitment to make it in the law field but he has absolutely no work experience or anything to put on his CV, and has never even thought about it, despite having parents in the field. I've tried over and over again to motivate him to work hard but it doesn't work, however he's promised this time to work hard for his summer exams and ask his mother about getting wok experience.
I've really struggled with my thoughts about this because he's truly my best friend and I can hardly envisage my life without him. But I'm so scared of him just getting no where in life as it doesn't fit in with my future aspirations. Should I just continue to motivate him, or should I just accept him for who is, or should I leave him so we can find different people with the same outlook on life to us?
We both attend a good university and he's studying law and he knows that he'd like to become a solicitor. But he's repeating first year because he failed it last year, and he's still not doing well, and I think this is down to laziness because he's intelligent. I've heard it takes a lot of commitment to make it in the law field but he has absolutely no work experience or anything to put on his CV, and has never even thought about it, despite having parents in the field. I've tried over and over again to motivate him to work hard but it doesn't work, however he's promised this time to work hard for his summer exams and ask his mother about getting wok experience.
I've really struggled with my thoughts about this because he's truly my best friend and I can hardly envisage my life without him. But I'm so scared of him just getting no where in life as it doesn't fit in with my future aspirations. Should I just continue to motivate him, or should I just accept him for who is, or should I leave him so we can find different people with the same outlook on life to us?
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If you do this for me, we'll have sex later...
Wife and I were talking about our upcoming plans for the weekend. We have a lot of things to work on over the weekend. Curiously, she said a phrase that I have never heard her state before in our marriage: "If you work hard on Saturday and complete all the things I want to get done, we can have sex tomorrow night". It made me chuckle because it's the first time she ever made a "quid pro quo" statement regarding sex. I'm not going to give it much thought and simply do what need to get done on Saturday. Honestly, if we don't knock it out on Saturday it will still need to be done on Sunday or the following week anyways.
I don't read anything into the statement and interpret her as saying "Let's work hard tomorrow so we can have some fun tomorrow night". I thought about this a little bit more and I'm curious about how everyone else would interpret a statement like this from their spouse. Would this be one of those sh!t tests that are talked about in NMMNG and MMSLP? I never read either book.
Alternatively, if you are a spouse/SO that has used techniques like this in the past, were you dead serious about it or was it more in jest in good fun?
I don't read anything into the statement and interpret her as saying "Let's work hard tomorrow so we can have some fun tomorrow night". I thought about this a little bit more and I'm curious about how everyone else would interpret a statement like this from their spouse. Would this be one of those sh!t tests that are talked about in NMMNG and MMSLP? I never read either book.
Alternatively, if you are a spouse/SO that has used techniques like this in the past, were you dead serious about it or was it more in jest in good fun?
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A director's letter to his wife describing his affair with Marilyn Monroe
I don't know how his BS felt reading this bullsh*t, but I would have been throwing some big @ss objects at his head.
http://ift.tt/1qJThVu
Nov. 29, 1955
To Molly Day Thacher
The reason I can't write you about what I'm ashamed of is because I'm ashamed of it. I'm ashamed I hurt you ever. On the other hand I resent being made to feel guilty and low and less. This harks back to the worst times I ever had when I felt low and less and all that. I don't feel that way any more ostensibly. I just want you to know that it's not a philosophy of mine, or a callous piece of habitual aggression. And it's not like the earlier episode because I don't feel vengeful, hardly at all, if at all. I guess it's accurate to say: not at all.
In one sense it's true to say that it meant nothing. On the other hand it was a human experience, and it started, if that is of any significance, in a most human way. Her boy friend, or "keeper" (if you want to be mean) had just died. His family had not allowed her to see the body, or allowed her into the house, where she had been living. She had sneaked in one night and been thrown out. I met her on Harmon Jones' set. Harmon thought her a ridiculous person and was fashionably scornful of her. I found her, when I was introduced, in tears. I took her to dinner because she seemed like such a touching pathetic waif. She sobbed all thru dinner. I wasn't "interested in her"; that came later. I got to know her in time and introduced her to Arthur Miller, who also was very taken by her. You couldn't help being touched. She was talented, funny, vulnerable, helpless in awful pain, with no hope, and some worth and not a liar, not vicious, not catty, and with a history of orphanism that was killing to hear. She was like all Charlie Chaplin's heroines in one.
I'm not ashamed at all, not a damn bit, of having been attracted to her. She is nothing like what she appears to be now, or even appears to have turned into now. She was a little stray cat when I knew her. I got a lot out of her just as you do from any human experience where anyone is revealed to you and you affect anyone in any way. I guess I gave her a lot of hope. She is not a big sex pot as advertised. At least not in my experience. I don't know if there are such as "advertised" big sex pots. She told me a lot about [Joe DiMaggio] and her, his Catholicism, and his viciousness (he struck her often, and beat her up several times). I was touched and fascinated. It was the type of experience that I do not understand and I enjoyed (not the right word) hearing about it. I certainly recommended her to Tennessee's attention. And he was very taken by her.
I'm not sorry about it. I love you and only want to help you. I'm awful sorry I hurt you. I am human though. It might happen again. I hope not, and I have resisted quite some other opportunities. No loss. I got a lot out of this one; can't say I didn't. I think I helped her. If you don't like what I say and feel it necessary for your own sense of honor to divorce me, divorce me. I don't think I should not be married or anything like that. If you divorce me, I'll tell you plainly I will in time get married again and have more children. I feel I'm a family man and a damned good one. I don't care what your judgment is on that.
http://ift.tt/1qJThVu
Nov. 29, 1955
To Molly Day Thacher
The reason I can't write you about what I'm ashamed of is because I'm ashamed of it. I'm ashamed I hurt you ever. On the other hand I resent being made to feel guilty and low and less. This harks back to the worst times I ever had when I felt low and less and all that. I don't feel that way any more ostensibly. I just want you to know that it's not a philosophy of mine, or a callous piece of habitual aggression. And it's not like the earlier episode because I don't feel vengeful, hardly at all, if at all. I guess it's accurate to say: not at all.
In one sense it's true to say that it meant nothing. On the other hand it was a human experience, and it started, if that is of any significance, in a most human way. Her boy friend, or "keeper" (if you want to be mean) had just died. His family had not allowed her to see the body, or allowed her into the house, where she had been living. She had sneaked in one night and been thrown out. I met her on Harmon Jones' set. Harmon thought her a ridiculous person and was fashionably scornful of her. I found her, when I was introduced, in tears. I took her to dinner because she seemed like such a touching pathetic waif. She sobbed all thru dinner. I wasn't "interested in her"; that came later. I got to know her in time and introduced her to Arthur Miller, who also was very taken by her. You couldn't help being touched. She was talented, funny, vulnerable, helpless in awful pain, with no hope, and some worth and not a liar, not vicious, not catty, and with a history of orphanism that was killing to hear. She was like all Charlie Chaplin's heroines in one.
I'm not ashamed at all, not a damn bit, of having been attracted to her. She is nothing like what she appears to be now, or even appears to have turned into now. She was a little stray cat when I knew her. I got a lot out of her just as you do from any human experience where anyone is revealed to you and you affect anyone in any way. I guess I gave her a lot of hope. She is not a big sex pot as advertised. At least not in my experience. I don't know if there are such as "advertised" big sex pots. She told me a lot about [Joe DiMaggio] and her, his Catholicism, and his viciousness (he struck her often, and beat her up several times). I was touched and fascinated. It was the type of experience that I do not understand and I enjoyed (not the right word) hearing about it. I certainly recommended her to Tennessee's attention. And he was very taken by her.
I'm not sorry about it. I love you and only want to help you. I'm awful sorry I hurt you. I am human though. It might happen again. I hope not, and I have resisted quite some other opportunities. No loss. I got a lot out of this one; can't say I didn't. I think I helped her. If you don't like what I say and feel it necessary for your own sense of honor to divorce me, divorce me. I don't think I should not be married or anything like that. If you divorce me, I'll tell you plainly I will in time get married again and have more children. I feel I'm a family man and a damned good one. I don't care what your judgment is on that.
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Best books to help you move on and find happiness after a bad marriage / divorce.
Does anyone have a good book to recommend that helped them get through a rough divorce, move on after it, or just find general happiness after their marriage?
This next week I'm going for counseling. And in 2-3 weeks after I'll probably have another appointment or two. After that I won't be living by a military base to get free counseling and the town I'm moving to is pretty small so I'd like to rely on books to work through the rest of my post-divorcing time period. Plus, I enjoy reading so it works out.
So leave a book title or an author name if you enjoy everything they write.
I'm looking for anything from self-help books to general stories about moving on from a bad marriage / divorce. Whatever you enjoyed let me know.
Thanks. :)
This next week I'm going for counseling. And in 2-3 weeks after I'll probably have another appointment or two. After that I won't be living by a military base to get free counseling and the town I'm moving to is pretty small so I'd like to rely on books to work through the rest of my post-divorcing time period. Plus, I enjoy reading so it works out.
So leave a book title or an author name if you enjoy everything they write.
I'm looking for anything from self-help books to general stories about moving on from a bad marriage / divorce. Whatever you enjoyed let me know.
Thanks. :)
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Advice needed
I'm been married for over ten years and have recently been talking to an old friend. He's actually more than that, he's the man I should have married. I have such strong feelings for him but haven't acted on them yet...I'm just not sure what to do. This person suits me better than my husband and surpasses him in so many ways. I want to be faithful but I feel I'm fighting a losing battle
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Sony VAR for sale, never used ICD-PX333
Its just the recorder, batteries, cable and I think the manual. I bought from Amazon and decided not to use it as I found lots of stuff in text messages. If you're interested, I paid 38 bucks for it. I'll take 30.
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Work is what's for dinner.
I need some advice. Here is the issue. My husband and I have 4 kids. My husband works, and I work. We are both self employed. My husband works as many hours as someone with 2 full time jobs. I work 2 actual self employment jobs and I take care of the house, the finances, my vehicle, and 4 children. We have no family. I have one hired baby sitter that I can call (depending on her availability) if needed. My oldest child is 8.
I'm really easy going and deal with pressure very well. I am usually called on by business acquaintances, and neighbors to "help them." I try my best to manage all of this.
So what has been going on is this, he works from 5am to almost 8pm, 6 days a week. I finally after many years had him slow down on Sunday. So now he works from 5am-2pm on Sunday. I know he is at work.
I am working WHILE I take care of 2 small children, and the other 2 are in school and on weekends. Anyone who has small children can vouch for how incredibly difficult it is to do business filings, invoicing, business calls while there are 2 small children screaming, fighting, and accidentally doing something not good while you are working.
Even so I deal with it happily. I also make sure they have a fun life as they are my priority. I make sure they have plenty of fun outside play while I supervise. I make sure that they get to the park at least once a week. I make sure they have great experiences by taking them to ALL the birthday parties, the field trips, the zoo, chuck-e-cheese, the mall, everything I could imagine a kid wants to do I make sure they do it. And I am WITH THEM. My husband... at work.
When my husband comes home, I still work. I am cleaning our house, filing our documents, cleaning, and feeding kids, and doing homework. I change diapers, give baths, clip nails, clean under beds, fold clothes. I can't even list all of the things. We eat and my husband sits on the couch and watches t.v. I understand he works hard and needs to decompress. I know that need, but I rarely get to do that. When I do, it is always as I am watching children. Never do I have a time to decompress where I am not being responsible for something. I'm ok though.
I see my kids go up to my husband. They say, "Can you play with me?" And he will either ignore them, or play with them as he stares at the t.v. He will even tell them no. I will say, "Why don't you think it's a good idea to play with your child?" And then he will play with them because *I* told him to and then give me the silent treatment for telling him what to do. He never comes up with anything to do with the children. I take that back. Once I told him that he never initiates any family time. And the next day he said we should go to the zoo this Saturday. Well that Saturday that he "took off" to go to the zoo, he couldn't possibly miss that day of work. So after the kids were wound up about that, (try dealing with kids who are disappointed that they didn't get to go somewhere promised,) he set it for them to go the following Saturday. I let the big kids walk and I wore the baby in the carrier on my back. Well the youngest of the oldest kids is 5 and she got tired and didn' t want to walk. After much inspirational talks for her to continue she finally started wobbling and crying because she was tired. I asked my husband if he could hold either child and he refused. After the 'sit down and refuse to walk' stand off occurred with the 5 year old. I picked her up and we continued. Me carrying a 5 year old and and a 2 year old on my back as my husband walked hands free along side of me. This is very symbolic of my life.
If we are going out to eat lunch or dinner. He will get dressed and then sit on the couch and watch t.v. I will dress and prepare all 4 children as they fight me and he watches. He will repeatedly tell me to hurry up without offering assistance. And then when I am still not ready after the children he asks me why I always take so long. I ask him to give me a hand with preparing the children to leave and he sees how hard it is, but because I asked him to help out he gives me the silent treatment. In 8 years he has changed about 10 diapers TOTAL being prompted by me, he has given 0 baths, he had clipped 0 nails, he has gone to 2 school plays that I "dragged" him to against his will, etc. there is much more.
Yesterday, I told him that I was still felt bad because the 2 year old almost took a bad spill and I caught her just in time. His response was, "Did you talk to the appraiser?"
So in all this I never wanted to be the fussy, or nagging wife. And I definitely don't want to tell him what to do. I want him to see with his eyes. Like, does he not see this? He has to see? If I tell him anything like, "I see that you aren't doing much right now could you give me a hand with the kids? (Since we are standing in front of you struggling and you are just watching us struggle.) I can only make a similarity in this case. It is like watching someone you care for about to get hurt, and being right along side having the full capacity and attention required to prevent the accident and then just allowing it to happen as you watch. That is what I feel like this situation is in a nut shell. In fact it reminds me of the time that we were both working on an outdoor cleaning project at my child hood home. My dog was an aggressive dog and was out there. But it was my dog and I was familiar with him, and him with me. The dog sneaked up behind me (really) and attacked me. He was a very large dog. My husband stood there and watched. I was able to grab hold of the dog as the inside parts of my arm had been splayed outward, and finally was able to put him down through force. And then I ran away. The whole time my husband just watched. There were shovels, there were large items that he could have hit the dog with to get him off of me. But he just watched. I asked him later, "Why didn't you try to help me?" He said, "Well I was afraid the dog would have tried to attack me too. But it didn't matter because you did good to get away from him." :(
Any communication that I try to initiate with him is met with silence, or "oookaaaay" as the response, as if to say, "So?"
Sometimes he will start violently picking things up around the house and rinsing dishes, etc. I say, "Why are you doing that?" and he will say, "Well I guess you want me to clean the house for you." For me, him to do that would be like asking someone to catch a ball flying at them in left field and them running to home base instead. It's completely missing the point. I just want him to care about the children. I try to explain to him that I also work, and I am also tired and that does not give me a free pass to ignore the children. He will make a snarky comment about my job in reference to it not being "real work" because it is administrative vs. physical labor. He doesn't see the work I do with the kids as physical although I have to do a lot of physical work with the children.
Last night I brought up divorce. I actually thought that if he didn't live with us and saw the children just on the weekend that he would actually want to do stuff with them. I just asked him about it. I know not to discuss divorce unless you are serious, but we have been together for 13 years and after years of thinking it in my head, and making sure I was serious, I was serious.
I am asking here because I wanted an independent view. There is no way that he would share his side of the story with even me because he doesn't talk about anything that isn't related to business. So far we are still speaking, but it's strictly business chat. The tone has been neutral and friendly.
Any advice?
I'm really easy going and deal with pressure very well. I am usually called on by business acquaintances, and neighbors to "help them." I try my best to manage all of this.
So what has been going on is this, he works from 5am to almost 8pm, 6 days a week. I finally after many years had him slow down on Sunday. So now he works from 5am-2pm on Sunday. I know he is at work.
I am working WHILE I take care of 2 small children, and the other 2 are in school and on weekends. Anyone who has small children can vouch for how incredibly difficult it is to do business filings, invoicing, business calls while there are 2 small children screaming, fighting, and accidentally doing something not good while you are working.
Even so I deal with it happily. I also make sure they have a fun life as they are my priority. I make sure they have plenty of fun outside play while I supervise. I make sure that they get to the park at least once a week. I make sure they have great experiences by taking them to ALL the birthday parties, the field trips, the zoo, chuck-e-cheese, the mall, everything I could imagine a kid wants to do I make sure they do it. And I am WITH THEM. My husband... at work.
When my husband comes home, I still work. I am cleaning our house, filing our documents, cleaning, and feeding kids, and doing homework. I change diapers, give baths, clip nails, clean under beds, fold clothes. I can't even list all of the things. We eat and my husband sits on the couch and watches t.v. I understand he works hard and needs to decompress. I know that need, but I rarely get to do that. When I do, it is always as I am watching children. Never do I have a time to decompress where I am not being responsible for something. I'm ok though.
I see my kids go up to my husband. They say, "Can you play with me?" And he will either ignore them, or play with them as he stares at the t.v. He will even tell them no. I will say, "Why don't you think it's a good idea to play with your child?" And then he will play with them because *I* told him to and then give me the silent treatment for telling him what to do. He never comes up with anything to do with the children. I take that back. Once I told him that he never initiates any family time. And the next day he said we should go to the zoo this Saturday. Well that Saturday that he "took off" to go to the zoo, he couldn't possibly miss that day of work. So after the kids were wound up about that, (try dealing with kids who are disappointed that they didn't get to go somewhere promised,) he set it for them to go the following Saturday. I let the big kids walk and I wore the baby in the carrier on my back. Well the youngest of the oldest kids is 5 and she got tired and didn' t want to walk. After much inspirational talks for her to continue she finally started wobbling and crying because she was tired. I asked my husband if he could hold either child and he refused. After the 'sit down and refuse to walk' stand off occurred with the 5 year old. I picked her up and we continued. Me carrying a 5 year old and and a 2 year old on my back as my husband walked hands free along side of me. This is very symbolic of my life.
If we are going out to eat lunch or dinner. He will get dressed and then sit on the couch and watch t.v. I will dress and prepare all 4 children as they fight me and he watches. He will repeatedly tell me to hurry up without offering assistance. And then when I am still not ready after the children he asks me why I always take so long. I ask him to give me a hand with preparing the children to leave and he sees how hard it is, but because I asked him to help out he gives me the silent treatment. In 8 years he has changed about 10 diapers TOTAL being prompted by me, he has given 0 baths, he had clipped 0 nails, he has gone to 2 school plays that I "dragged" him to against his will, etc. there is much more.
Yesterday, I told him that I was still felt bad because the 2 year old almost took a bad spill and I caught her just in time. His response was, "Did you talk to the appraiser?"
So in all this I never wanted to be the fussy, or nagging wife. And I definitely don't want to tell him what to do. I want him to see with his eyes. Like, does he not see this? He has to see? If I tell him anything like, "I see that you aren't doing much right now could you give me a hand with the kids? (Since we are standing in front of you struggling and you are just watching us struggle.) I can only make a similarity in this case. It is like watching someone you care for about to get hurt, and being right along side having the full capacity and attention required to prevent the accident and then just allowing it to happen as you watch. That is what I feel like this situation is in a nut shell. In fact it reminds me of the time that we were both working on an outdoor cleaning project at my child hood home. My dog was an aggressive dog and was out there. But it was my dog and I was familiar with him, and him with me. The dog sneaked up behind me (really) and attacked me. He was a very large dog. My husband stood there and watched. I was able to grab hold of the dog as the inside parts of my arm had been splayed outward, and finally was able to put him down through force. And then I ran away. The whole time my husband just watched. There were shovels, there were large items that he could have hit the dog with to get him off of me. But he just watched. I asked him later, "Why didn't you try to help me?" He said, "Well I was afraid the dog would have tried to attack me too. But it didn't matter because you did good to get away from him." :(
Any communication that I try to initiate with him is met with silence, or "oookaaaay" as the response, as if to say, "So?"
Sometimes he will start violently picking things up around the house and rinsing dishes, etc. I say, "Why are you doing that?" and he will say, "Well I guess you want me to clean the house for you." For me, him to do that would be like asking someone to catch a ball flying at them in left field and them running to home base instead. It's completely missing the point. I just want him to care about the children. I try to explain to him that I also work, and I am also tired and that does not give me a free pass to ignore the children. He will make a snarky comment about my job in reference to it not being "real work" because it is administrative vs. physical labor. He doesn't see the work I do with the kids as physical although I have to do a lot of physical work with the children.
Last night I brought up divorce. I actually thought that if he didn't live with us and saw the children just on the weekend that he would actually want to do stuff with them. I just asked him about it. I know not to discuss divorce unless you are serious, but we have been together for 13 years and after years of thinking it in my head, and making sure I was serious, I was serious.
I am asking here because I wanted an independent view. There is no way that he would share his side of the story with even me because he doesn't talk about anything that isn't related to business. So far we are still speaking, but it's strictly business chat. The tone has been neutral and friendly.
Any advice?
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