| Hi everybody, This is my story and really just saying a huge thank you to all of you who have shared yours and you amazing people who have spent their time to help others cope with infidelity, in my case those who are coping with a walk away wife, exit affair or someone with GIGS. Reading these message boards in particular along with others have really helped guide me to overcome my heartbreak and acknowledge/accept the inevitability that my wife isn't coming back. To understand why it happens and realise it is not our fault, unless of course you have been abusive in any way towards your spouse. Every story I have read about the betrayal of a spouse and the end of a marriage is a variation of what happened in my life and I have used them as a template to healing through others lives. I hope that makes sense. First I will point out the facts why it isn't your fault: • Unfortunately like me you chose someone who is easily deceived and tempted by lust and shallow endeavours • Your spouse does not know what true love is. In the beginning love may seem like a feeling but feelings change and in the end love is a choice, not an emotion • You are a great person and truly don't deserve to be hurt this way • People in this world are broken. Moral and ethical standards are slipping and if we don't proactively fight against it, we will increase the generational cyclical nature of the beast of the point of the detriment of our society • Your partner is selfish, possibly narcissistic or has BPD Other things to note: • Women in particular receive a lot of sleazy attention from dishonourable men; older married men, men who have no morality, selfish men • We don't communicate effectively with our spouse. This is no excuse to have an affair though or "shop around" • We deserve better • Once your partner has decided to check out of your marriage, it may be a time before you realise and from this point their heart is hardened so much there is no chance of reconciliation and they won't come back to you, particularly if they have selfishly given their heart to another. I have scoured every message board for an exception to this "rule" in hope that I might have a chance with my wife, but have yet to come across one • Your partner's affair or exit affair has an extremely slim chance of surviving once your marriage is over. What they will do for you they will do to you If your betrayal is fresh it doesn't matter what anyone says it does take time to accept the truth and this is all part of the healing process My story in a nutshell: My wife and I had been together for 5 ½ years, married for 2 of those. We are both from a Christian family background, both from broken families (particularly my Dad had an affair; it didn't last after my parents divorced). I wanted to stop that chain of hurt and I thought both her and I knew enough of how the world works etc that she would too….obviously not. We got on great and I can safely say from my side I loved her and still do, although I can feel my love for her is diminishing every day. In hindsight she is a troubled person, I knew it all along but I didn't know to this extent. I was always there for her and somewhat regrettably after she's treated me like trash probably will be if she was ever in a bad way, which is how she was when I met her. So it was January 21st and she said she wanted to get a divorce, initially I wasn't happy in our marriage too and I agreed (the mind only remembers the most recent feelings). The reasons I wasn't happy have to do with her subtle comments and digs at me and her making no effort in our relationship over the last while, in hindsight she was deliberately creating distance because of someone else she was attaching herself to. I went to the spare bedroom for a few days and thought how silly this is and talked to her about counselling and sorting it out and so on, that it's just silly to throw us away like that without trying to sort it out. She said it's useless and there's no hope. At this stage I still didn't suspect anything until she began staying out late for the next week and at one stage txt me to say she's staying the night at a friend's place. So of course I drive over to the friend's house late at night, her cars not there. I said to myself I will talk to her about it tomorrow and give her an opportunity to tell me about what happened without letting on that I checked on her, if she doesn't come clean then I will get a GPS on her car. She didn't come clean and that's what I did. I tracked her to her hairdressers (male hairdresser, recently separated from his wife, 2 small kids) house and to his salon. Then even when I confronted her she said they were just friends etc. And a lot of other lies on top of lies. She was moving to a fictitious house with a group of girls etc. I believed her with every new lie I think because my brain wouldn't accept the truth. The most I've ever been angry I can't call her names but I said "satan is behind those eyes". I really wanted the lies to be true so that I could regroup and fight for my wife, still not 100% knowing she was in a relationship with this dirt bag. She moved out straight into his rented unit, I had to find this out for myself because again I wanted her lies to be true so I knew I had a chance. Even when I knew where she was I still fooled myself I had a chance to turn this around and win her back. It's taken almost 6 months of fighting my hopes to accept it's over. The grief stages are cyclical and even though you know you are in an up time you are heading for a down time there's nothing you can do about it. I feel like I'm finally out of it but I can't say for sure. All I can say is that you don't get closure from them, you have to find that yourself. My wife has shut me off completely and this whole time has ignored my few messages. I can see as well as everyone else that they won't last. She quit her job to work at his salon soon after our separation, his salon was not doing well and it closed down a few weeks ago. She has created a new hair salon company on paper at least as 100% shareholder (it only takes $150 to file the application), she has no money for this nonsense and has a fair bit of debt so I don't know how she's going to pull it off. Since he's already failed I almost feel bad that she will fail. From what I know of this douche bag he is a talker (quite a few OM probably are) and is most likely getting her into some serious financial trouble. Taking no responsibility in the setup of the company, either because he is bankrupt, or he is avoiding having to pay child support. Meanwhile I have put things in place in my life to improve, a version of the 180. My future has never been brighter and hers is……well, we'll see. A great person is out there for you, someone who will know how to love you and cherish you. Take care and thanks again, Nick | |||
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