So.... There is a lot going on right now. Am pregnant, husband's father dying and living with us, recently found out H (a sex addict in long term recovery) has been looking at porn for several months.
We bought and moved into this house at the end of last year, and since then it just feels like so much has happened that has left me feeling unsettled and like my boundaries are just walked all over and my feelings are unimportant.
Tonight the FIL just started making calls inviting a bunch of people over. He was in a panic and thinking he was going to not last through the night. He is toward the end but not that close yet. So I called H to let him know to put his plans on hold while I ran around like an idiot organizing food for God knows how many people, I could only guess, who were about to turn up on my doorstep. It's Friday night and I'm tired but trying to show grace. If this was a one off then it is what it is. But it's not. There have been so many times when he will turn up unannounced, or not turn up when he said he will, or organize a dinner that he knows we will pay for and he sure as hell isn't offering to pay for anything. He's a severe gambler and has been freeloading this whole time. He doesn't think of anyone. He doesn't consider our position, or ask, or offer, he just wants to be king of his life and expect everyone to drop everything and suit him. I know this seems harsh in context of t onight but it's been a pattern of behaviour and i have nowhere to get my feelings out in the open because I'm not allowed to have any negative emotions or thoughts about my H's dad because he's dying.
I have just gone on maternity leave, but have a little while before baby is due. Have been mostly at home caring for FIL and making sure he's OK. I got my pay in lump sum. 2/3 of it is going toward a property related tax bill, I was hoping the remaining 3rd could cover the next six months of mortgage payments. But it won't because we have other things we will need to cover which my husband's income can't cover. Like $7K toward a funeral bill.
So tonight I was having my feelings but fulfilling my duty and cleaning and making all this food. While I was eating, the "fun" started. One of H's uncles mentioned a particular race but i knew it was far from over. It turned onto a racist exchange. I chose to remove myself from his presence and sit with someone else because it was the last thing I needed right now.
About 10 minutes later it all came up again, and this time it was a conversation involving the whole room of people, about 4 people making really racist comments. I am capable of standing up for myself, I am not afraid of his family, but H doesn't like making waves. To his credit, he tried to speak up twice, mentioning that I happen to be part-X, about my grandmother and stuff and the conversation still continued so i went into the kitchen and busied myself to get away from it. I could have spoke up I guess but I felt like it would be one against 10 or 15 and I was trying to remind myself that tonight was for FIL to have quality time with his family. I have heard comments from them before but I think it really got to me that this was my house, my roof, my food, I was serving them all dinner, it just hurt more somehow.
I had a bit of a cry but calmed down and I reappeared later and was going through some photos with H's sister. Then I came across some of his ex in her underwear. So.... Yeah. You know how women remember everything? We had had very specific convos about photos of exes before we got married and moved in. I had gotten rid of mine. He took a while but he said he got rid of them one day and said it was hard to do, gave me this speech about it, but that he had done it. Then tonight the photos he apparently got rid of are making an appearance in my living room while I am pregnant with our first child and his family are slinging racist **** against certain people. (OK so I am white but part aboriginal, and in this country, Australia, everyone seems to have a ****ing opinion on how they are all lazy criminals with no jobs who get free stuff and the rest). My nan lived through the stolen generation and still lives in terror. Sorry but they can all get ****ed saying that **** in my ho use.
Since we have lived here (and during the time FIL stayed with us), my H's wedding ring and my pearl necklace i wore on my wedding day have disappeared. Last time he stayed with is in our old place, my wedding ring went missing. H won't let me bring it up with FIL or ask him about it.
H was unemployed for seven months. Some of that time it was because we were doing major renovations to the house we bought. But when he tried to get work again he had some challenge . During that time we got some things done but honestly we should have been so much further ahead. We are now stuck with a bathroom with no door because the tradie who renovated it left no room for a door swing, and is avoiding coming back to fix it or finish the job after we gave him a part payment.
H started drinking and hiding alcohol but would deny it when I called him out. He also bought cigars for a mate's bucks to but ended up smoking then all. Also, he was looking at porn for months til I found 2 weeks ago.
We went for a pre-baby holiday, and although we don't have a ton of sex at the moment, we did 3 or 4 times and he tried to influence me to do anal stuff, like was doing stuff down there that I had stopped him 3 times and asked him not to and he already knew i didn't want to go there. Then when I got upset he blamed my abuse issues as the reason we don't have sex and for kind of wrecking whatever was in progress that night.
We have had a few things go on with our house as well. I caught 3 young guys trying to break into our property a few weeks ago. Weeks before that H saw a guy walk out of our side gate (from our side passage) and into a house across the road. There has been other creepy stuff like that.
I am feeling so second rate right now. In 2 months we are having a baby. We have no $. We will need to take out a second mortgage to cover funeral costs and possibly a new car (we currently have a 2 door). I'm not allowed to say or think or feel or express anything negative about his dad's behaviour, not even in my own house.
I said to H last week that I feel like I need a break, that maybe i will try to go to mum's at least one night a week.
I feel so second rate in every way. I am developing depression and feel like no could be on for a pretty hard time when it's born.
No idea what to do or where to turn right now.
I thought of separating for a short time bit it couldn't be a worse time than right now.
We bought and moved into this house at the end of last year, and since then it just feels like so much has happened that has left me feeling unsettled and like my boundaries are just walked all over and my feelings are unimportant.
Tonight the FIL just started making calls inviting a bunch of people over. He was in a panic and thinking he was going to not last through the night. He is toward the end but not that close yet. So I called H to let him know to put his plans on hold while I ran around like an idiot organizing food for God knows how many people, I could only guess, who were about to turn up on my doorstep. It's Friday night and I'm tired but trying to show grace. If this was a one off then it is what it is. But it's not. There have been so many times when he will turn up unannounced, or not turn up when he said he will, or organize a dinner that he knows we will pay for and he sure as hell isn't offering to pay for anything. He's a severe gambler and has been freeloading this whole time. He doesn't think of anyone. He doesn't consider our position, or ask, or offer, he just wants to be king of his life and expect everyone to drop everything and suit him. I know this seems harsh in context of t onight but it's been a pattern of behaviour and i have nowhere to get my feelings out in the open because I'm not allowed to have any negative emotions or thoughts about my H's dad because he's dying.
I have just gone on maternity leave, but have a little while before baby is due. Have been mostly at home caring for FIL and making sure he's OK. I got my pay in lump sum. 2/3 of it is going toward a property related tax bill, I was hoping the remaining 3rd could cover the next six months of mortgage payments. But it won't because we have other things we will need to cover which my husband's income can't cover. Like $7K toward a funeral bill.
So tonight I was having my feelings but fulfilling my duty and cleaning and making all this food. While I was eating, the "fun" started. One of H's uncles mentioned a particular race but i knew it was far from over. It turned onto a racist exchange. I chose to remove myself from his presence and sit with someone else because it was the last thing I needed right now.
About 10 minutes later it all came up again, and this time it was a conversation involving the whole room of people, about 4 people making really racist comments. I am capable of standing up for myself, I am not afraid of his family, but H doesn't like making waves. To his credit, he tried to speak up twice, mentioning that I happen to be part-X, about my grandmother and stuff and the conversation still continued so i went into the kitchen and busied myself to get away from it. I could have spoke up I guess but I felt like it would be one against 10 or 15 and I was trying to remind myself that tonight was for FIL to have quality time with his family. I have heard comments from them before but I think it really got to me that this was my house, my roof, my food, I was serving them all dinner, it just hurt more somehow.
I had a bit of a cry but calmed down and I reappeared later and was going through some photos with H's sister. Then I came across some of his ex in her underwear. So.... Yeah. You know how women remember everything? We had had very specific convos about photos of exes before we got married and moved in. I had gotten rid of mine. He took a while but he said he got rid of them one day and said it was hard to do, gave me this speech about it, but that he had done it. Then tonight the photos he apparently got rid of are making an appearance in my living room while I am pregnant with our first child and his family are slinging racist **** against certain people. (OK so I am white but part aboriginal, and in this country, Australia, everyone seems to have a ****ing opinion on how they are all lazy criminals with no jobs who get free stuff and the rest). My nan lived through the stolen generation and still lives in terror. Sorry but they can all get ****ed saying that **** in my ho use.
Since we have lived here (and during the time FIL stayed with us), my H's wedding ring and my pearl necklace i wore on my wedding day have disappeared. Last time he stayed with is in our old place, my wedding ring went missing. H won't let me bring it up with FIL or ask him about it.
H was unemployed for seven months. Some of that time it was because we were doing major renovations to the house we bought. But when he tried to get work again he had some challenge . During that time we got some things done but honestly we should have been so much further ahead. We are now stuck with a bathroom with no door because the tradie who renovated it left no room for a door swing, and is avoiding coming back to fix it or finish the job after we gave him a part payment.
H started drinking and hiding alcohol but would deny it when I called him out. He also bought cigars for a mate's bucks to but ended up smoking then all. Also, he was looking at porn for months til I found 2 weeks ago.
We went for a pre-baby holiday, and although we don't have a ton of sex at the moment, we did 3 or 4 times and he tried to influence me to do anal stuff, like was doing stuff down there that I had stopped him 3 times and asked him not to and he already knew i didn't want to go there. Then when I got upset he blamed my abuse issues as the reason we don't have sex and for kind of wrecking whatever was in progress that night.
We have had a few things go on with our house as well. I caught 3 young guys trying to break into our property a few weeks ago. Weeks before that H saw a guy walk out of our side gate (from our side passage) and into a house across the road. There has been other creepy stuff like that.
I am feeling so second rate right now. In 2 months we are having a baby. We have no $. We will need to take out a second mortgage to cover funeral costs and possibly a new car (we currently have a 2 door). I'm not allowed to say or think or feel or express anything negative about his dad's behaviour, not even in my own house.
I said to H last week that I feel like I need a break, that maybe i will try to go to mum's at least one night a week.
I feel so second rate in every way. I am developing depression and feel like no could be on for a pretty hard time when it's born.
No idea what to do or where to turn right now.
I thought of separating for a short time bit it couldn't be a worse time than right now.
Put the internet to work for you.
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