Desirable traits by gender

Good evening
I just feel like causing trouble:

Are there any personality traits that you think are positive in men but not for women, or vice-verse?

I can't think of any, but I suspect others will.

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Dr. Phil

I came home for lunch today, flipped on the TV for a few minutes, and there was Dr. Phil with a BH, his WW and the OM on the phone with all of them. WW was trying to decide whether to leave her husband of 10 years and her family with 3 small children for the OM. This was the second time (at least) she'd done this as she had cheated on her first husband as well.

BH just sat there trying to convince her not to leave him and destroy the family. He admitted he "hadn't been there for her". I wanted to reach through the TV screen and slap some sense into him.

I didn't watch but a few minutes of it, but Dr. Phil's advice to WW was "you can't go on to another relationship until you finish the one you have" - or something like that. He did give it to her pretty good.

Poor pathetic b@stard. BH was letting himself get emasculated on TV. He should have come to TAM first:|

That is all.

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Nowhere to vent..So frustrating.

Marriage is doing ok, I just feel like I'm going to have to pay disinterested party 100/hr Just so I can blow off some steam once in a while. My old outlets are long gone..Family is work and work is with family. Everything that comes out of my mouth is so scripted, I'll say something wonder who the hell is talking? Some pre- programed robot?

When I was young it was easy," just be yourself"..fun, out going and nobody's fool. Don't like it? Piss off.
But then the saying was revised "be yourself, unless you suck...Then be someone else". So I've tried to be someone else for a couple decades now with good results by most accounts. Now I'm hoping that, in the end, we really are who we pretend to be.

Perhaps it's is actually a blessing that I learned to just stfu. That's what "men" do, right? But seriously, some of us have to just quietly do the right thing even in spite of a natural inclination to do wrong.

Not really a question here..just venting.

However, if any of you have tried to change yourself/actions fundamentally for a shot at forever with someone you love, I'd be interested in comments.

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Sex within 2 hrs of meeting someone.

Ladies of TAM, have you ever went from "hi, my name is _____" to "bang me harder" within a short period of time? This exact situation happened at least 3 times with my fWW in her adult life and I wondered how rare this type of occurrence happens.

She was a professional model and was constantly hit on by top-shelf men (CEOs, professional athletes, politicians, etc). Speaking from a man's perspective, I have never been successful at this endeavor, even if I was trying to score after just meeting a lady.

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Getting annoyed

So hubby moved out over the weekend, things were going okay. We had discussed what he would take to his new place then and what would wait a few weeks. His last words were me were that he was going to do "whatever he needed to do to fix our relationship". So we have talked via text, have not seen each other.

When he left I was concerned about him having keys to the house, not because I have anything to hide, but because I don't have keys to his place and it only seemed reasonable. Plus my first ex, had keys to our old house and tried to steal everything one day when I was at work. Only thing that stopped it was my Dad happened to drive by and see him. He said he wanted to keep the garage door opener so that he could help me with the dogs on the night I have school (we foster dogs for a rescue and have some of our own also). I thought he was trying to be kind, and was impressed that he would offer since it is out of his way.

So last night was the night I had school, he went out and took care of the dogs and stuff like he said before I got home. He also did a few things at the house I had asked him to do (clean up his stuff, put tools in garage, etc). He said he was going to grab more clothes and a table. I was fine with that, he had asked me earlier in the day if he could have some other things and I had said no (it was a vacuum cleaner).

I get home late from school and realize the laptop is gone and a clock from the kitchen. I really would not care, and I would have told him he could have those things if he would have just asked. So this morning I'm very upset by all this. He of course just blows it off and was like "do you want them back?" I said no, but am confused why he told me he took somethings but not others.

I really should not be surprised by any of this, as communication is NOT one of his strengths, but really?

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One and done wife

Typically my wife will achieve orgasm after a slow steady pace.
However, after her O, she can barely move her legs, etc.
Can you ladies (or men) give me some tips so I can keep her going for awhile longer?

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Do you know a good depression forum?

I just thought this might be a good place to ask...
I am looking for a good forum (as good as TAM) for issues of depression, life purpose etc (not related/restricted to relationships).
If perhaps you might know, I would be grateful for a link.
Thanks

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Recommended for you

results are in today

at 10:15 this morning I find out results for an uptake scan on my thyroid . The least the Doctor will tell me is I have to treat it with medication the worst they will say is theres cancerous and needs to be removed. Either way I find myself not wanting to be alone and I know my husband is not a mind reader. He goes for his lunch break from work not far from the doctors around 11. SO I ask him would he like to meet for lunch knowing he won't make it to the appointment. He responds with, "if you are out of the doctors on time. When I ask him if he is willing to wait until 11:30 for lunch incase it runs late, he responds with, "It depends on how hungry I am." He doesn't have a strict lunch time, he could push it. I'm feeling like he doesn't care about me like I do him, I offer to be there for him a lot. I know he is busy and on a schedule but I'm having a hard time processing that and I just think he doesn't care about me. Do I sound rational abou t that?

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Busted ?

My boyfriend and I met through a virtual reality game. We also had virtual sex/ video sex. He moved to the Netherlands five years ago.

Just got home early and found him naked in the living room, laptop closed but in front of him.

Just jerking of or doing the same thing as before, but with someone else? What would you do/ think?

I'm aware I'm a very insecure woman.

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The Aftermath

Long story ill try keep it in context

End of march my wife tells me she wants a seperation, obviously much as i knew things were not great i did not expect that! The first month after is quite a rough month,its very hard i found to explain to someone who hasnt experienced it. But regardless,i had to move into shared accomodation.

The conversation went along the lines of, you have the kids every other weekend and a night in the week. Now the job i was working which i started a month beforehand simply wasnt going to pay me enough inclusive of travel. it just wasnt going to work plus i was going to be paying manintenence. So i got another job,shift work sadly but paid a lot more.

This angered her beyond words..but i was able to see my children still at random times, the weeks passed and it was difficult,taking your children to shared accomodation is not an ideal scenario.

In the end to cut a long story short after starting to see someone else, we moved in together at the start of august. The automatic question your going to ask is damn that was quick

Back story- My ex wife slept with someone a few weeks after me leaving the family home and was actively engaging trying to find hook ups, its also hard to explain but as soon as i found this out, a switch was pressed. Any emotions toward her were gone, overnight i just became fine, no crying or regretting my life. I set about making plans and defining a plan for the future and yep i went on tinder etc met someone and the rest is history. My wife on the other hand who has slept with near on 5 guys and activley dating is bitter as sin and has refused me to see my children since the end of may.


Now much as i can understand bitterness or anger,keeping children away from there father for no good reason is beyond reproach. We have mediation next week and if that fails i will go to court to see my children.


My question here is has anyone else dealt with a bitter ex wife...does it fade..

My overall feeling is she wanted me to live in the gutter while she pushes on. Im sorry but no. She intiates seperation and i live in the gutter while she sleeps around and dates. I think not.

My only wish is to see my children and become amicable.

Does that happen?

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Tips to reignite, reenergize attraction with "thrifty threads"

I saved my 16 year marriage with a wide variety of strategies including "thrifty threads"

http://ift.tt/1nTO7Hg

When I started working out more and eating better, I dropped nearly 3 inches from a tight 38 to a loose 36 off my waist, so I needed some clothes that fit better but I was not looking forward to spending all that money for new clothes.

I was spouting off to a few coworkers that get most of their clothes from thrift shops so I gave it a try and hit the MOTHERLODE so often with unbelievable prices I turned it into a hobby.

The clothes you wear is vital to reigniting the flames of attraction for many reasons, Your wife is sick of seeing you in the same old clothes, Old clothes are a reminder of the past including memories you might want to forget, Predictable dress is not mysterious and therefore uninteresting, Variety and newness is a spice and is fun. Looking your best is attractive and demonstrates self-respect and self-care.

I have found an endless stream of brand new and mint condition brand names and countless items with so little evidence of wear as to be looking brand new for peanuts compared to retail.

I have purchased jackets by Adidas, Reebok, Columbia, St Johns bay, Fila, Nike, Old Navy and many, many other brands that are stunning for 4 to 10 dollars in mint condition that retail for 25 to 250 dollars.

I have found dozens and dozens of shirts, shorts, pants, hoodies that retail for $15 to $50 for $1 to $5

I have found 20 pairs of shoes, boots, athletic shoes and other footwear that retail for over $50 that I bought for $4 to $8

They also have some new items dirt cheap like belts, hats, socks, etc

My wife said she was tired of seeing me in blue all the time so I donated most of them and bought 15 other colors for about $35.

I get compliments from her and many other people on my clothes and 90% came from thrift shops

Every girls crazy bout a sharp dressed man.

Get rid of all the clothe your wife is bored seeing you wear and update your threads with thrift and you will find her jumping the reenergized, new and improved, variety you, you will feel a sense of enthusiasm sporting some new threads and others will notice you are taking better care of yourself which is also a chick magnate, compliment magnate and self-confidence booster that will get you treated with more respect by the public in your travels through your day.

I have a few rules that work for me

1. Always buy shirts and jackets with at least three colors instead of two or one for the sharpest look

2. Do not buy anything with a grey base color. Grey is only ok for highlight strip etc on a bolder color

3. Solid colors are pretty boring so they need to be extra sharp if you are to consider them

4. If it looks worn out at all don't get it

Thrift stores are also awesome for sports equipment, furnishings, knick knacks, office organization, electronic accessories, reading glasses

You may be surprised to find how eager your wife is to take off those new clothes that you put on because it's new, interesting, sharp, spicy for her seeing you looking good but it doesn't have to cost you more than about $15 a visit walking out with a bagful or two of awesome brand name, high quality, mint condition "thrifty threads"

Check it out and get some spicy new love from your girl piqued interest in her sharp dressed man

P.S. I just scored a Columbia ski jacket in mint condition for $8 and a three color polo pull over sweat shirt for $4 this evening, Between the two they might be over a hundred bucks retail. I love it. It's almost like stealing and the little money that I pay goes to a worthy cause for the needy.

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Advice on recent infidelity

So my wife and I have been married for about 4 years happily. We are planning to relocate to another state from our current home. We decided that I would move a month before her to establish a rental agreement on a home as we found it difficult to find a place without being physically in the city. And it worked out perfect because I found a job in the new city where we will be living and she is the maid of honor in a wedding that will take place in a few weeks back home. So I am out here working while she has been tending to her maid of honor obligations. Their bachelorette party was this past weekend and a few days after the party she confessed to me that she had made out with the bride. I absolutely do not know how to respond to this. I feel mildly upset and extremely confused. Should I question her loyalty, sexuality, or fidelity? She says she was drunk but cannot articulate emotions or tell me why she did it. She was crying and crying on the phone apologetically. She says she loves me and doesn't want to lose me and I believe her. But how do I move on from here? What should I do? On top of everything I am expected to attend the wedding next month

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I want to make sure i never cheat again

Hi guys,

New on here. Found this while trying to find some form of help.

I have been in a de facto relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years now and when we first got together i was sexting with a girl from Hong Kong and didn't stop it at first although i had all intention too i just took a couple of weeks too long and she found out.

I promised her i would never do anything like that again but over the last month i have been talking to women and discussing meeting up behind her back but never followed through (besides the point. It was still cheating). The guilt drove me insane but i couldn't stop for some reason.

She found out last night while i was at work by going through my old phone and saw all the conversations.

I treated the one woman that treated me well the same way all my exes treated me.

Whether or not i can get her back, what i really want is the knowledge/wisdom to make sure i don't do this again.

I have promised again that nothing remotely like it will happen again and i plan to stick to my guns on that one.

What I'm after is a way i can assure myself that i won't let that kind of mentality take over again



Thank you all.

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The Upside of Divorce

I just enjoyed the crap out of deleting all my ex's preset WWII documentaries I didn't realize were still on my DVR.

And here I thought I had nothing to look forward to.

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Coffee shops, French Baristas, and getting my sh!t together.

Hello all,
This is the sequel to my previous post regarding my out of control crush on another woman from a coffee shop. For those of you who did not read my previous post this basic jist was as follows:

1. Married for 10 years with three children.
2. Found a great cheap coffee shop.
3. Hot French barista chick started paying me attention.
4. Three weeks of friendly chit chat/mild flirting.
5. Build a chemical bond with her/felt like I fell in love with her.
6. Removed myself from the coffee shop and came to TAM to see what else I could do to forget about her.

The purpose of this post is to share what I learn and not to get advice. I was really fcuked up. I felt so emotional like I have gone through a huge break up. I wanted to see her every day. It took 4 weeks of not going there, for this addiction to be broken. Now that I'm back to normal, I can't believe what had happened to me, like some spell was placed over me. Someone had power over me and I don't like that too much.

So, I went back there. Yes, you read that right, I went back to the coffee shop. Why, not the reason that you're probably thinking. I went back there to see if she still affects me the way that she did, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing! I went back there, and pretty mush snubbed her, looked at my phone the whole time I was waiting for my coffee, so I don't know if she was looking at me or not but I gave her no eye contact what so ever.

I have realized something important that I never thought before. This problem that I had to face had absolutely nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I have sacrificed my life, given up all forms of fun and excitement in my life simply because there is no room for them with children around. I don't look forward to the weekends or anything, I have nothing to look forward too. So when ever there is an opportunity of excitement, my brain goes nuts. That is why this happened.

So I have decided that I need a major life change. I need to feed my soul. I need to have dreams and aspirations again. I need to have something too look forward too. I need just a little excitement again. I need friendships. With a life devoid of any satisfaction, how can I make the right choices when the devil appears on my shoulder? The guilt I feel will one day run out. Fulfillment is a much better motive to be a good father and husband and that is my goal.

I have been back there numerous times and have felt nothing towards this chick. So I wanted to share my little story because I have seen other people on here who have become addicted to anther man/woman, and it has confused the fcuk out of them. I just wanted to say, no matter how desperate you feel in the moment, a little cold turkey can solve it.

Thank you for reading.
Gonecrazy

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Don’t Try This at Home: Adultery in the Marital Bed

Don't Try This at Home: Adultery in the Marital Bed

By JOYCE WADLERJAN. 12, 2011

THE woman who came to see Ken Altshuler, a divorce lawyer, had reason to be enraged: her husband was not only having an affair, he was also having an extravagant, money's-no-concern, fabled-and-faraway-beaches affair. He had taken his girlfriend to Tahiti, he was sending flowers to her. But what infuriated his wife the most was where he had often made love to his girlfriend: their marriage bed.

"She was totally fixated on that," said Mr. Altshuler, who practices in Portland, Me., and is president-elect of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. " 'You had sex with that woman in our bed' — that was overriding everything else. For a year in the divorce, every time an issue came up, that was part of it. We'd need to talk about placing the house up for sale, she'd say, 'You mean that house where he brought that so-and-so to our bed?' Or, when we talked about personal division of property, 'He can take the bed and shove it' or 'He can use it with his next *****.' "

How did Mr. Altshuler's client find out her husband was using their bed?

"He admitted it when he got caught," Mr. Altshuler said, in the tone of one who has spent two and a half decades observing the stupidities of humankind and still retains a touching ability to be amazed. "I think she found some of the charges on the credit card, so he fessed up. And she said, 'Where did you have sex with her?' And he goes, 'In our bed, where else?' Then it's, 'Oops, did I say that?' "

Conventions change. A woman no longer earns a scarlet letter for having a child out of wedlock; divorce is not synonymous with scandal; and it is no surprise to find, when a marriage comes apart, that a third person was involved. But even in a sexually liberal culture, the home is still usually off-limits, as if protected by an invisible force field. And the marriage bed — a phrase that in itself seems quaintly out of date — remains a sacred object.

All but one of 18 marriage counselors and divorce lawyers interviewed for this article said they saw at-home adultery rarely, if ever, although the divorce lawyers saw it more often than the therapists. When it does happen, however, the consequences are usually dire: affairs are painful in a marriage, but affairs that take place in the marriage bed can be lethal.

In an informal, unscientific survey conducted at the request of The New York Times by the Web site CafeMom.com, which draws young married women, more than half of approximately 500 respondents said their marriages would "definitely not" survive if their partner made love to another person in the marriage bed. By contrast, less than a third of approximately 700 respondents to another question said that their marriages would "definitely not" survive an affair outside the home.

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feeling so hurt

My wife want a divorce and I have done nothing at all we have been married for a little over a year and when we first met it was so amazing I have never felt for any woman the way I felt for her and I know we got married very quickly like 4 months of dating but all of the things she told me I believed in she never thought about marriage u tell she met me she told me I was her knight in shinning armor and many other things I showed my love to her all the time I would kiss her every morning when she was sleeping when I go to work I would always leave flowers in in car to surprise her anytime she got sick I would go to the store and make a care package it's a little bit of everything and I have a great job and she wanted to be a stay at home mom with her two kids from a previous relationship so I supported her dissension and let her so I took care of all the financial stuff as well witch I was fine with so she wanted buy a new house and I was like OK we we nt house shopping found the one and got approved yes mine dream for so long is going to come true a house a beautiful wife who I loved to death great step children and a white picket fence then the bank calls and says they put just me on the home loan and I told them I was married so they pull her credit and then we get denied two weeks after that we find out that we are pregnant I was so excited I told everyone at work then my wife total changes now she dose have a muscle disorder where she is tired all the time and is sore so she stopped taking her medicine because she was pregnant now we have all ways texted each other sweet things in the morning and all during the day I noticed that it was one text a day and the exact same thing so then I ask her what is up and she says I want a divorce I love you but I'm not in love with you and have not been happy for a long time it has been a rough marriage I was like what!!! I then asked her how was it a rough marriage I never philos ophy or mental beat you I don't drink or use drugs all I did was take my vows serious and provide for my family and get them what ever they wanted she can't give me a reason other then above . And her saying she has not been in love with me and not being happy I would have saw signs and did not see any I even mentioned therapy and she has decided I have never seen her be so cold to as she has the past two weeks I am in so much pain because I love this woman with all my heart and now she doesn't even care in two weeks she has given me no reason I even asked if there is someone else and she says no I don't see how something so beautiful could change so fast I feel like she took advantage of a marriage are vows we read to each other with tears in both of eyes she lied to me about her feelings towards me I am just devastated if anyone could give me some advice or insight it would be grateful thanks
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Is This Progress?

My wife and I are the artsy, we'll try anything once kind of people. We both are bettering ourselves during the separation and after 2 months have suddenly been able to communicate better than....well....I think ever in our 6 year history (2 years dating and 4 married).

We both have an issue that was involved in the decision to deconstruct, evaluate, and rebuild our marriage.

Mine is that I have an OCD compulsion to collect, organize and destroy items I find of no value. Harmless, unless it is porn pictures. I assign no sexual value to them, my wife does, and that was the beginning of our separation.

With counseling and group I finally got it. I plan to continue counseling and group so I continue to get it.

My wife has depressed episodes that last about 3 months. I've been around for 3 of them and sparked 2 of them. The first was a miscarriage 5 years ago and the recent one was me being an insensitive ass and saving pictures.

Her problem is at the trough of her cycle. She finds a disposable person that she knows, though not super close or long term, and bonds to them for a few weeks, last time it got sexual (I forgave her because we were not together at the time, I in fact had moved on, that girl just didn't work out and my wife is pretty amazing so we drifted together again).

So here's the sitch.

I have to find solutions as soon as I recognize the problem, so I have been going full bore into my issues and learning to be a better husband since late July.

My wife takes a different route that is equally as successful but involves this cycle I talked about and it comes all at once instead of in small pieces like mine.

Her come to jesus with herself was this last sunday.

After 2 weeks of fights and tears we were suddenly on the same page.

I felt I lost who I was, she lost who she was, and we become strangers for a minute. I wanted to date my wife again. I wanted to earn her friendship and her time and eventually her love.

On sunday she suddenly felt the same way.

For her it was realizing that if she just ran away (she uses a lot of absolute thinking and giving up/ running away when she is hurt. It's her flight response), she would hurt me, make me upset and cause a bitter divorce.

She realized we do need to reconnect. In fact 2 days later she said she was actually excited to come home (she's on a pre-separation planned trip to the opther side of the country, a place we were moving in 6 months) and get to know each other again after a nearly month long break.

Here's what I feel happened. I worked my ass off after realizing I was truly and embaressingly wrong (there are a lot of factors, and I was dumb in most of them).

She noticed. She even got her own help for the first time ever.

She realizes anything can happen and maybe the new her and the new me can really work out. She comes out of her shell and all of a sudden I'm not afraid of divorce, I'm afraid of her moving too fast and missing the progress I still hope to make.

There are many factors here. I left a lot out. SO ask questions if you must.

I'm really just dumbfounded that I feel like I finally did something really lifechanging.

2 months ago she was in a different world. Now we are on the same road.

My only fear is that there is an ex out there. I know they went for drinks. But I also went for drinks with an ex and it was to apologize for how I behaved when we were closer.

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My Wife Won't Give Me Another Chance

Hi all. New user here. I just don't know who to turn to. I've searched on the internet for help and here is where it took me. It seems like a lot of people can chime in and help me out because I really need it.

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We have been together for 7 years. My wife is 10 years older than me. With a little hiccup in between and i'll explain later on.

My wife and I are having problems right now. I know done her wrong and I just want her back. My wife has found multiple times porn or naked women on my phone. She had told me those multiple times that what I'm doing is wrong and is essentially cheating. I never looked at it that way and I kept on doing it. Well this time it stuck and I told her that I won't do it again ever and she won't believe me. I've been to her work and gave her flowers. I have written her a love letter. Put rose peddles on our bed. And more flowers. I give a massage even though she doesn't ask for it. I help her out in the kitchen when she's cooking. Helping her in anyway I can. I'm trying to be more attentive to her. She says it's not enough and I don't know what else to do.

A little more of a background. My wife is a firecracker. She's the strong one in the relationship and she doesn't like that. I'm emotional. I cry when it gets to much in our relationship. She doesn't like that. She says she wants a man and i'm not one. She calls me a p****y. Or that I have no balls.

I've lied to her also. Stupid things too. Or I tend to forget if a coworker calls me and she tells me why I didn't tell her. She gets mad.

My work requires me to sometimes stay a little extra to get things finished. She gets mad because I shouldn't put my work first and she should be a priority. I told her that my work pays the bills and it's important too.

On the day my wife found the last naked woman, my company was having an outing and I decided to go. My wife got mad because I told her I needed to clear my mind and take a break and go. She got furious because she says I should have chased her and fixed things.

A few years ago, when we were not married, I felt unappreciated and I left my life. Up and left and said nothing to her. A few months went by and we reconciled. But she still holds it against me. At the time also, I was talking to another woman and she found out and flipped.

Before we got married. I had reservations on getting married. I told her that. I told her she has anger issues. She got very mad. But I still love her and we still got married. I said to myself, if I love this woman, I have to accept her.

I can go on and on about the issues. That's just a snippet and what's going on. As I type, im sitting in my car at a starbucks because my wife kicked me out for the 4th time. Please help. I don't know what to do.

Sorry if I just rambled. My mind is just scrambled right now. I'm hoping I got out enough info.

Thanks in advance.

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How do you handle adult kid events when you truly hate your ex?

I filed a year and a half ago. Pushing now to finalize the divorce of a marginal 20+ year marriage.

STBXW came into the marriage with nothing. Her family has nothing. I have my family's business and assets. Stupidly, no prenup. Despite her uber-religiousness (extremely Catholic), she is positioning to nail me (i.e. steal) for half of everything. (FWIW, I'm in PA) I'm OK with her taking half the marital assets but she is also going after my parents assets (now mine due to life complications years ago - so, yea, that's marital now too) which were meant for their security when they need to go into an assisted living arrangement. They are in their mid 80's and not in good health. (do they have any legal recourse?)

The magnitude of anger and hatred I have towards her is beyond anything I've ever thought possible. (to be very clear, I have no intentions of acting on that anger. I'm not that stupid. I have the responsibility of the kids and my parents to think about)

The thing is, I truly want my STBXW out of my life.

The thought of coming face to face with her makes me want to throw up. The kids and I endured years of emotional abuse. No cheating. Nothing physical. Just emotional. People with some authority have stated that she is Borderline, Munchausen's by Proxy among other things. Serious psych stuff that pushed our son ("the proxy") to the point of suicide.

Both of our kids are now college age. Our son has sworn off marriage (famous last words, right?...). Our daughter is bound to marry her HS BF, though no time soon. I truly *want* to walk my daughter down the aisle.

Thinking this through, the only time can I foresee coming face to face with my STBXW (or her family) is at our kid's weddings and when grandkids start to show up.


My question is.....

What do you do when kid events occur and you are forced to face your ex and her/his family?

What did you do? How did you do it? How did you survive the event?

This is really stressing me. Any insights would be *greatly* appreciated.

--Jim

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