Hey,
My spouse had a few dates with another person, when I found out (due to overage on cell phone), That night I asked what I needed to change. I was told "your yelling" (anger issues) was the problem. It took me about two years (Getting over Abusive father, fathers best friend child molester, ETC.) and I finally figured it out and stopped yelling. According to spouse and myself the yelling has stopped.
Now I clearly see what my triggers were. The top reasons were...
1. Spouse tells me they know what I was thinking, and that I don't know what I'm thinking.
2. Spouse thinks nothing wrong with arguing, rather than redacting an "off putting comment" (I say stupid things and make mistakes, strive to make my apologies quick and sincere)
3. Spouse is Pretentious- Last night I STRUGGLED to calmly explain why kids and myself want to be able to talk without stress (about family outings) we had both gotten upset with each other (no yelling ,though). After explaining, I asked if they can appreciate/understand our effort and desire to be able to talk calmly? the response was "Where is all of this anger coming from?"(this type of thing happens daily) This is difficult, because after 5 years post nearly breaking up with me for the other person. My spouse doesn't has grown to the point of being able to focus and discuss issues. Pretending that every issue they raise is what we should shift our focus onto. Never staying focused long enough to "move on", on any level.
When asked "What do you want from me?" My response is...
1. Respect for our kids and myself.(I.E. don't escalate to prove a point)
2. Be Appreciative
3. Be Humble
My Spouse openly admits...
1. When they state "I saw, what I saw" (or "I heard, what I heard") there is no changing their mind.
2. They have no control over their (negative) emotions, and have limited positive emotions (and difficulty expressing them).
3. Have argued (gotten mad/upset) that we shouldn't discuss being happy.
4. Admit they are miserable often.
5. Refused adding in my recovery, when ask to help.
6. Often admits escalating
Offer suggestions (solicited and unsolicited) in many forms (Books, TED talks, Articles, Ideas, ETC.), presenting them as gifts (realizing they may or may not be accepted.)
After about 5 years, Thinking that my spouse my just be stuck in "miserable" (it appears to the default setting) and that growth is not an option. I admitted this to spouse, and said "I know this is a bad thing", They agreed.
The arguments/drama is everyday (usually more than once per day)
Appreciate you reading to this point and any insight you can give on this.
Tried to make this gender neutral, so it's not "us against them".
Thank you and best wishes.
My spouse had a few dates with another person, when I found out (due to overage on cell phone), That night I asked what I needed to change. I was told "your yelling" (anger issues) was the problem. It took me about two years (Getting over Abusive father, fathers best friend child molester, ETC.) and I finally figured it out and stopped yelling. According to spouse and myself the yelling has stopped.
Now I clearly see what my triggers were. The top reasons were...
1. Spouse tells me they know what I was thinking, and that I don't know what I'm thinking.
2. Spouse thinks nothing wrong with arguing, rather than redacting an "off putting comment" (I say stupid things and make mistakes, strive to make my apologies quick and sincere)
3. Spouse is Pretentious- Last night I STRUGGLED to calmly explain why kids and myself want to be able to talk without stress (about family outings) we had both gotten upset with each other (no yelling ,though). After explaining, I asked if they can appreciate/understand our effort and desire to be able to talk calmly? the response was "Where is all of this anger coming from?"(this type of thing happens daily) This is difficult, because after 5 years post nearly breaking up with me for the other person. My spouse doesn't has grown to the point of being able to focus and discuss issues. Pretending that every issue they raise is what we should shift our focus onto. Never staying focused long enough to "move on", on any level.
When asked "What do you want from me?" My response is...
1. Respect for our kids and myself.(I.E. don't escalate to prove a point)
2. Be Appreciative
3. Be Humble
My Spouse openly admits...
1. When they state "I saw, what I saw" (or "I heard, what I heard") there is no changing their mind.
2. They have no control over their (negative) emotions, and have limited positive emotions (and difficulty expressing them).
3. Have argued (gotten mad/upset) that we shouldn't discuss being happy.
4. Admit they are miserable often.
5. Refused adding in my recovery, when ask to help.
6. Often admits escalating
Offer suggestions (solicited and unsolicited) in many forms (Books, TED talks, Articles, Ideas, ETC.), presenting them as gifts (realizing they may or may not be accepted.)
After about 5 years, Thinking that my spouse my just be stuck in "miserable" (it appears to the default setting) and that growth is not an option. I admitted this to spouse, and said "I know this is a bad thing", They agreed.
The arguments/drama is everyday (usually more than once per day)
Appreciate you reading to this point and any insight you can give on this.
Tried to make this gender neutral, so it's not "us against them".
Thank you and best wishes.
Put the internet to work for you.
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