I am separated and I don’t know what to do with my marriage.

Hi Folks, I've been married for ten years and have two kids, I've been separated for a year and I don't know what to do with my marriage.

My wife is a wonderful woman that I've known for last fifteen years. She is kind and caring, very beautiful as well. When we married I was young we agreed that I will work and support her while she is trying to figure out her studies and career. I've been supporting her ever since we got married. I've been working a full time job and part time business for over eight years on average 60-75 hours a week, which allowed me to pay the bills and save a little as well, and support my wife. We were married for four years before we decided to have kids, during which she tried to study and find a direction for a career but somehow didn't she became very frustrated and gave up on studies at some point. I stopped talking about her studies and career at some point because she would just get mad and upset.

I think I managed to work myself out of a relationship slowly. Combination of me working long hours, having very little personal time, not working on my marriage and being sexually unsatisfied has resulted three years ago of me finding escape in abusing substances and eventually being intimate with someone else. I felt terrible about cheating on my wife, I couldn't talk to anyone about it, I felt lost and instead of seeking professional help the downward spiral continued. Over two years ago I met someone, she supported me in a difficult time and I have been in a relationship with that woman ever since. This is when I told my wife that I need to move as I am in relationship with someone else. I've been living on my own for over a year now.

During this time I've made a lot of personal progress, I've done a lot of counselling, I've been trying to make healthier choices and improve my life. However during this year I've been struggling with a decision of ending my marriage mainly because of my kids but also because my wife wants me to come back and try to work things out. I see my kids two to three times a week and they stay at my place as well, it's one of the happy moments I have day to day.

I still care for my wife, and she does care about me too. I've been separated for over a year and been in a relationship with someone else, and I don't want to continue living this way any longer, I am torn, depressed and I feel like a failure. I can't seem to come to accept that my marriage might be over and divorce is a final resolution. I've been going mad and looking to come to a decision for the last fourteen months but I still can't. At this point I just don't know what to do.

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dont know where to begin

hello anyone

im 42 years old, been married to my wife for 11yrs. we have a beautiful 9yr old daughter.

to be honest, i dont know how i ended up here. i guess i just googled anything to find answers. this is the first time i looked to any strangers for advice or anyone in same situation. I jjust wanted to read other peoples issues, but some reason need a place to say what i need to say.

sorry for not punctuating correct while i type, i just type without thinking alot.

anyways, seems like there is alot of topics and differnt forums to choose on here. I dont know where to begin.

Just a quick intro to my situation. Last two months my wife and i been seperated, but still live in the same house. We stay in different rooms. Latley we started doing our own thing, unless our daughter is involved. Im confused on how we got this way. Seems like the next step is divorce. I never thought it would ever get to that.

Anyway, thats where we are right now. Any place i should start to find out why my wife is always mad at me.

thanks

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Questions about porn and marriage

I found it easier to just make this. Help me out, be honest and thank you in advance. http://ift.tt/1gTRShB

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Would you consider this a rejection ladies?

Send a text suggesting a certain activity this week and her reply


"That sounds like a nice evening but I am leaving for vacation on Monday. I am flying out to California"


So what do you think?

I will give it one more try after this and then I will be done

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Downside of kids staying in the house and parents alternating short term

Title kind of sums it up. Kids stay in house we alternate weekly. 3 month duration +/-.

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Trying to figure out how to move on

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

We dated for 5 years. In that time period she lied to me a lot. Came close to cheating on me. Still though I stuck by and cared for her and her kids.

We broke up and she moved in with her mom. She has severe depression,a medical condition that does not allow her to work anymore.

For the past year since the breakup. My feelings have not changed. Whenever we get close to getting back together or one of the kids mentions that we are dating. She backs off and goes silent for days which of course drives me nuts.

A month or so ago,I was over there and her phone went off while she had it in her hand showing me something and there it was..a new message notification from a dating site. I pretended not to see it but obviously that didn't hold long. I finally confronted her about why she says that she can't date anyone if she's on a dating site. She replied with that she's on it because she keeps hoping she will find someone that will make her want too.

Talk about a slap in the face! I dwelled on it for a few days and talked to her about it and how it made me feel. Which of course resulted in her backing off and going silent for a few days till the other day when she called me and said she was having a really rough time and asked if I could come over. Which I did.

I should add in that I made a profile myself just to see if she was using it. (mistake I know) For the past two days ever since she has been on it nonstop. Earlier today,I finally told her that I can't do this anymore. I can't be her fallback guy till she finds someone. I told her that I'm certain that the reason she keeps me around is A)because I'm the only one she can count on B)she's not sure that I'm not the one. I told her that I can't be there till she finds someone and then no longer needs me. It's not fair to me.

I have now deleted her from my facebook. deleted her number. took all her pictures from my phone. I moved them to my computer in a file. I'm just not ready to delete them altogether. I love her. I mean I really love her. When we split (which was out of nowhere and took me offguard) I was planning out how I was going to propose.

I can't be friends with her. If I can't have her back then I know I just need to let her go. Which is difficult because I just want to message her and see what she's up too. What's the point though?

So my question is for those of you who have had to let go and move on..how did you do it? How did you keep it from hurting so much and not call them?

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Interesting Article on Equality

So I found this article interesting:
My Husband; Five Reasons I Am Not Lucky to Have Him*|*Abi Oborne

The title is off-putting and a little deceptive but I understand what she's saying. Her husband is a partner in parenting and she's often told how lucky she is that he does his part.

But she's only lucky that he does his part if the assumption is still that it's mom's job to take care of kids. This belief is part of what drives the unfairness of the legal system where dads are concerned.....if it's seen as dad "helping" with the kids or dad "babysitting" instead of parenting his own kids that implies it's actually mom's job. So if it's mom's job it stands to reason that in the event of divorce the kids automatically go with her, and since that means that dad's only real contribution is bringing in money he should pay.

Are men with working wives routinely told how "lucky" they are that wife brings in money? I'd bet not nearly as often. I'd bet my husband is almost never told how lucky he is that his wife makes more than him but I have been told how lucky I am that he does dishes and "helps" around the house, even though it's his house too.

And if it's solely mom's job to parent then she can't earn as much with the distraction of the kids and dad needs to supplement that with alimony in the event of divorce.

See how unfair this really is to all of the great dads who are equal parenting partners and in some cases the primary parent? In a society that views kids as predominantly a woman's job the dads that take an equal to majority parent role are seen as outliers and don't get full credit for all that they do for their kids.

Of course much of this is generational, so it's apples and oranges to compare generations. A couple of generations ago it WAS mom's job to deal with kids and dad was a disciplinarian and a paycheck. That was pretty much it.

In fact from an evolutionary perspective that's a big reason that men died sooner, and that includes the ones that weren't killed in battle. It was a man's job to hunt and provide and once he got too old to do that he was useless. Women helped to take care of home and kids, even grandkids, so they had value into old age. Or course this is changing as society changes.

Of course if you make an agreement with your partner that one of you will predominantly parent the kids that's up to you but it shouldn't be based on the idea that it's a woman's job.....instead is should be based on the fact that for whatever reason it works for your family. That's just fine.

So let's get rid of this ridiculous idea that somehow women are "lucky" that dad "helps" because it's not good for either gender. Dad doesn't get extra kudos for doing his part as a parent because by today's standards he's supposed to be an equal parent. All of us who have great partners will give thanks for that and we'll continue our march toward true equality together, which in the end will benefit all of us.

I'm lucky to have my husband because he's a great husband and partner and he's lucky to have me because I'm a great wife and partner. At least he seems to think so :smile2:

So what does everyone think?

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Repairing Credit??

Does anyone have any tips on repairing credit? We had a bankruptcy 10 years ago that will fall off of our credit report this fall- we had a serious medical emergency that forced it. Since then we have done OK as far as paying bills, etc, but our credit score is still really lousy. Any suggestions?

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Facebook guru's: Question about "Notes"

Is there a way to save "Notes" without publishing it??

Okay... So like I couldn't sleep last night. Happens sometimes.

I started a "notes" in my profile page. Just wanting it for myself.Kind of like a self blog/journal type thing... Sometimes I just put my thoughts down to pen/computer... and compile it later to a poem or "writing".

Anyway, I had lots of thoughts down about my worrying, fretting, and how it is affecting my hubs.. How I have been treating him last couple days, etc.

I didn't save as draft ( I guess maybe I usually do that??). But You can't just "save note"(that I've found). I have to "publish" it. So I set the criteria to "only me". So that it wouldn't go on my wall for others to see.

But, it wass on my wall for me to see. I didn't want it on my timeline wall, only in the "notes" section with my other poems.

I know it shouldn't matter, because I had set it to private, to "only me". But,... Hubby and I share passwords, etc. I didn't want him to log onto my account and have it there in my profile.... Without me editing, and making some sort of poem.

Now if he logged into my account, and went to my Notes, I would understand that he could see it. I'm cool with that. But, Just in case he logged into my account, just to check if people posted to wall... I just didn't want it right there, first thing to pop up. See what I mean?

So, I edited, and "deleted this post". I thought I was just deleting the post from my timeline!! Instead, it deleted the whole thing. It's not in my "notes" anywhere. I tried to use the back brower button, but when it got the action of me publishing the note, it just said that the page was no longer available. ARrrgh!!

I ask: Is this normal? Is there a way to save a "Notes" without it going to your timeline. Or is it better just to "Save as Draft" always??

Also: About 6 months ago, I had an OLD poem, that I had in my Notes... and I changed it up a little, then tried to just "save", but I 'had to' publish. I think I didn't just publish to"Only me". I realized, I didn't really want to share that poem with public, so I deleted from timeline. Thought nothing of it. Then, about a week later, I was going to do some more revisions. My Poem was GONE... just GONE.. I couldn't find it anywhere. Thought maybe it was in my second account. Nope, not there either. I was so pissed at my hubby. I just "Knew" he had gone in and deleted my Poem!!...

Now, I'm thinking that when I tried to delete it from my timeline, some how, I had completely removed it from my notes. That it wasn't hubbbys fault at all, just my own! Arrghh..

So secondary question to the Facebook guru's that know all the workings of it: If I had had a poem in my Notes section, for Years and Years... and changed it just a little, went to save, that I have to "publish it" ??? Is that right? Then, because I deleted it from my timeline, does it really delete completely, even the old version from my Notes section??

If that is so, oh, why the h*double toothpicks...doesn't it warn you that you are completely removing the note. Not just removing it from the newsfeed???

Blah... Maybe I need to find another Website, that lets you just make notes/blog-type writings, and you can keep them for yourself, and edit whenever you want?..
Problem is, sometimes, after I have refined a poem or writing, I "DO" want to share it on facebook.

Just frustrated that I lost all that stuff I wrote. It was good self therapy, and would have been nice to go back to when I was in a calmer state of mind. Not stressed about repair bills and how I'm gonna pay, and being ticked at hubby about it all...

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general knowledge wise, what are your strengths and weaknesses

mine are

strengths

football
TV
music

weaknesses
Science
History.

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How to Punish the Dentist That Killed Cecil the Lion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8P5TbrOw7U

He makes a good point because the numbers don't seem to add up but if they do, man it must be good to be a dentist.

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Dating - Any New Rules?

I haven't posted for several months because I wanted to be certain. Certain that I was ready and able. I am so certain!

I am free after being married for 33 years to a liar and a cheat. It's been almost five months on my own, and I have never felt better. I sleep better. I eat better. I don't cry. I don't walk on egg shells. I don't look over my shoulder. I breathe.

The biggest obstacle in my way was my own fear. Over the years, I have wanted to leave, but allowed myself to buckle under the fear. I thought I would cry and cry and feel terrible pain. I didn't. At least I haven't yet. I thought I would be lonely. I'm not. A weird thing has happened and I am so open to just being. I can have an easy conversation with the person at the coffee counter and feel great all day. I thought I would be sitting at home alone. I'm not. Another weird thing. I'm busier now than I have been in a decade. I go hiking. I go for coffee. I get invited to events. And even my alone time feels so good.

I am telling anyone who has been in a long-term relationship and is fearful that at your age it's too late to find a happier place, IT'S NOT too late.

I'm happy to be back to visiting TAM, but now with a whole new view on the world. TAM is like a best friend. No judgement, just honest open advice. I've read many of your stories and it has been helpful in my journey. I'm glad you share your stories, because it gave me the ability to jump off that cliff. And only then, did I realize I can fly on my own. I'm still being a bit cautious, no dating yet. But I'm here again looking for advice.

How long were you on your own before you decided to date? And what are the new rules out there?

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I fancy someone

benn married 20 odd years and its been pretty bad the whole way through. He slept wiht other people in the first few years, a depressive and other things. I ahve never been unfaithful and have trudged along feeling that I in some kind of nightmare. Have just been n a church holiday with my son and there was a single bloke there in his fifties and all I wanted was to be with him. Nothing was said, but we got on etc. He lives up the road from me and although I couldnt be unfaithful, I really just wnat to be with him. The guy doesnt know it either.:|

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He Must Think I'm Stupid

We've been together for over 30 years. We moved to a beach town 2 years ago. Bars are everywhere. My husband goes out to get food, gone 2 hours. Goes out to drink after I go to bed, 11 pm on a Tuesday. Lies about where he's been, doesn't work unless he has to (we own a company), and drinks 3 or 4 bottles a week. He's been acting pretty strange the last 4 or 5 months. So being the stealth I am I checked his phone. Appears he's been texting a bartender in one of the local bars. He asks if she's working and then he goes. I confronted him last week and he swears there is no sex involved. Ok right, but my problem is I can't trust him to go out the door now. Am I suppose to worry that every time he goes to pick up food, he's stopping by the bar? This feels very personal to me but am I wrong?

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Am I being paranoid?

My H hasn't cheated again. At least, not that I know of. However, I am having a problem coping with something that I could use your advice on.

Lil' bit of background:

Me and H are both 31 years old.

H has had two affairs that I know about.

First one he said was a ONS - only I found out 4 years later (about 3 years ago) that he slept with her the next morning as well. Thing is, he was out of town for training, and flew home that night and had sex with me (Had sex with her the night before and next morning - flew home that evening and had sex with me). I was beyond disgusted. It felt like the affair happened all over again. I found out about the affair because he couldn't stop talking about her. It was like he was 16 with a crush and telling me about all of the things they were doing together...

His story for that affair went like:

"There was no girl"
"okay she came by to talk, she was fighting with her bf"
"She stayed in the room, but she slept in the extra bed"
"okay I had sex with her that night"

4 years later....He said something that didn't add up... I asked if he slept with her more than once. He responded with:

"I don't know"
"I really don't remember"
"I slept with her the next morning too.

The second one happened on a deployment. His story went like the first affair did...

"She is fat and such a b*tch"

After I found her pic on FB - (He was still on the deployment and I was pregnant)

Me: You lied. She's not fat.
Him: How do you know?
Me: Facebook
Him: Well, I never said she was
Me: Seriously?
Him: Yeah, you're paranoid

After he got home - I waited because he can't lie to my face. I can tell if he is.

2 weeks after our son was born (our son was born the day after he got home)

Me: So, tell me about what happened
Him: Nothing - (He couldn't even look at me)
Me: Why are you shaking then?
Him: (stuttering) Okay. She tried to hold my hand while we were standing on the flight line.
Me: That's it? What did you do?
Him: I pulled away.
Me: that's good. So, why do you look like you're going to throw up?
Him: I just feel guilty
Me: For what? You did the right thing if that's what happened.

He looked at me and I swear went pale as a ghost.

Me: What? Is that not all?
Him:That's not what happened.
Me: ???
Him: I was in the truck with her going to get lunch for everyone and had my hand on the middle console. She put her hand on mind and we held hands the whole way there.
Me: Uh huh.
Him: I looked out the window the whole time.
Me: okay.
Him: Are you mad?
Me: I'm in disbelief. We're not in 5th grade. I've played this game with you before. Is that all that happened?
Him: Yes.

He STILL looked like he was going to throw up everywhere. So, I have no proof that he had a PA with her, but I have proof it was an EA from some emails I saw and the way he was being a d*ck to me the entire deployment up until she left. After she left, he was back to me like I was the best thing since sliced bread.


Sorry that part was long.

Now, my problem...

A few new people have started work at the shop. One is a female. Normally, I have zero issues with this. The last new girl to start there (she started like 8 months ago), I have no issues with. She is awesome and I love her! I'm even jealous of her perfect freaking skin lol. My H NEVER talked about her. Ever. So, I knew he wasn't interested, my extra sense didn't ping.

The one that just started last week is a different problem. I haven't met her. I don't creep his shop looking for new people, though I probably should soon. :grin2: Anyway, I know more about her than the other female that's been there for 8 months!!! He talks about her CONSTANTLY.

I know her age, her height, her weight....

My H has talked about different jokes they've been playing on each other.

H talked about how he's teasing her because she didn't know who he was at first. So, anytime she needs to talk to him - he's like "Oh no, I don't know Sgt Starrz" or "no, no...you didn't know who I was..." etc, etc.

She gets brought up at least 4 times a day. It's starting to get on my nerves.

She's only been there a freaking week and I've heard more about her than anyone else that's been there. Seriously? He volunteered all of that info. I asked how she was learning the new job...that's it. Over the past week, I've got that. Nothing about how she is an a co worker...just personal information about her height and weight...

So, I know I sound like a delusional psycho...annnd maybe I am. I hate feeling like an insecure freak.

I guess what I'm asking is, should my cheater sense be acting up or am I just being completely stupid? I haven't mentioned this to my H because I don't want to go there again unless I have reason to. Right now, I just have a paranoia. :(

This isn't normal, is it?

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still dealing with aftermath of infidelity

Hi everyone, I haven't posted in quite a while. Short version, Ex had an affair, we tried to reconcile for a year but it was a false reconciliation and I kicked him out when I found out the affair was still going on.

For the most part, we have had a good co-parenting relationship but his negative out look on life is draining me. We have a lot of contact because we don't have the traditional visitation due to his work schedule so DD stays with me most of the time but he comes to see her almost everyday and takes her to and from school on some days. Lately he has been very irritable and has said that he is very unhappy. So my response is "how can you be so unhappy if you are now free to be with your AP, isn't that what you wanted?" "Both of you went to great lengths to destroy each other's families so I would think you would be happy to be together". He also gets angry because sometimes DD wants to be with me all the time (when she was younger we spent pretty much every moment together bc he was always "working late"...seeing the other woman). He wants her to go with him at the drop of a hat and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't, especially if she is already doing something or we have something planned. He becomes angry or passive aggressive when we have plans but he doesn't understand that I am not self employed so I have to make plans according to my schedule.

yesterday a girlfriend invited me to dinner and I asked the ex to keep DD for a few hours and he was glad to do it until he realized I was going to dinner. His response was "I never get to go out to dinner or do anything for my self". I told him that was lie! He and the OW go out and enjoy them selves. Well that's when the problem started! DD didn't want me to go but I told her I needed time with my friends at that time the EX says I'm out of here and leaves me to deal with my DD. I called him and asked if he was still going to keep DD and he said yes but he wasn't too happy. He says he hates it when DD starts wanting me and that makes him feel like she prefers me over him. So I got mad and said "if she starts having a fit please don't verbally abuse her." He became very angry when I said that and I apologized. I spoke without thinking. He started telling me about how unhappy he was, work was going as planned, DD didn't spend enough time with him so he was going to move to an other city. My heart broke for my daughter. I can't imagine her not having her father in her life. She's already had to suffer through the separation, isn't that enough? He has a history of making bad choices, he has one older daughter (18) who's life he didn't want to be a part of until she about 8. So, I know is capable of walking out and it terrifies me. This man thinks of himself first and obviously I made a bad choice, I chose him :(

All this mess because of cheating; a lot of collateral damage!

Thanks for letting me vent!

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Steel Libido Red

http://ift.tt/1EfNy0Y

I've been using this product for the past month to enhance my erections and pleasure. It works!!! My wife likes how rock-hard my erection is after I use this. My ejaculations are much more intense and pleasurable. I get mine through allstarhealth.com.

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Who wants a degree in masculinities studies?

Coming to a college near you: the same issues that get hashed out here day after day.

http://ift.tt/1K9RN01

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No penetration sex

Enjoying each others bodies without intercourse.

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Is it just me?

Or is it alot easier to talk to stranger over the net or someone via txt then face to face with even a SO?
Does it just make me a weak coward?

Half the time I don't even feel like my H even likes me, so it should be easy, right?

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Don't know what to do

My wife of almost 11yrs left me almost 5 weeks ago. We've had our issues but communication or lack there of is the main one.
I've realized that all the begging and pleading is not helping, it seems like the more I try, the worse off we are.
She is still upset with me and is holding resentment against me. I want this to work more than anything but, until she's ready and everything I say or try doesn't just piss her off, I don't know what to do. I know I'll have to have some contact with her so I can see and talk to my girls.
She says she's not ready to see me everyday and work on us. Do I just stop trying to see her? Do I stop texting and calling?

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To other fathers of daughters

How did you help them with their self respect?

For my part, I encouraged them to challenge their peer group thinking. To be their own person. To never take the stupid crap from ignorant and fearful peers as a reflection of who they were as young women and instead to feel compassion for these sad souls.

But more importantly, I listened to them and showed my faith in them.

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