I have a lengthy story to tell that goes with my present situation because a lot needs to be explained. So here goes-
My husband and I met in high school. He was a senior and I was a sophomore. We dated a few months before we started having sex. We got married the summer before my graduation. We settled down pretty quickly once we were married.
A year after graduation, I gave birth to our first child. Things seemed to be pretty good between us. We remained sexually active, at least once or twice a week. It wasn't long before I had gotten pregnant with our 2nd baby. Our 3rd came a few years after. Things seemed to really fall apart after our 3rd child. My H struggled to hold down jobs. He became depressed and moody. Our sex life quickly diminished. We maybe had sex once a month at this point. Before I got pregnant with our 4th, we hadn't had sex for months. It only took the one time we did have sex for me to get pregnant.
After the birth of our last baby, my H fell into a deep depression. He turned into a totally different man. It wasn't long before I asked him to get help. But he felt he could deal with things on his own. Several months passed and there was no improvement with him. Finally, he asked for help. The doctor put him on antidepressants and a few other meds for his personality disorders. I completely understood why our sex life halted. I'm not that shallow. I know mental illnesses cause you to behave differently and have a lower sex drive. I tried to be as understanding as possible.
My H and I rarely got along at this point. Things got to the point where I asked him to move out about 3 years ago. He left for about a week and stayed at his parent's place. Then he came to me to talk. He was wanting to work things out and wanted to seek counseling. I let him move back in. Within about a week or so, he found a therapist. But things didn't really improve much because he was withholding his feelings and emotions. It wasn't until about 6 months into the sessions that I noticed that he was truly trying to make an effort. He was opening up more about our issues and working on being a better husband and father. Not that our sex life had improved, but at least we were communicating well and trying to emotionally reconnect. It was a good start toward being on the right track again.
Just when things started to improve, the counselor he was seeing at the time went on maternity leave for 3 months. During those months, he reverted back to his old self. She was no longer there to keep him accountable. Once she got back from leave, he started seeing her again. He got back on track. He made improvements. 3 months after being back, she told him that she could no longer be his therapist because she had decided to take a job closer to her home. But she was willing to help set him up with a new one. He declined. He felt like he was in a good place and could manage on his own. It's been 9 months of no counseling.
My sex drive came back in FULL force after I finished breastfeeding our last baby(about 3 years ago)! I was always and still am ready and willing to have sex. Anytime I've asked to or made a move, there is always some excuse on his part, like he always has a headache or just isn't feeling up to it. On the rare occasions we did have sex, he might get me to orgasm or just tell me he wasn't feeling it, so he would just stop. I started to question a lot of things about myself. I felt inadequate and that there was something wrong with me. I wondered, did he have ED and didn't want to seek help for it? I know some of the meds can cause issues with that, too. It's been 3 years of little to no sex. 3 freaking years of the same thing. That brings me to where I'm at now. And why I've posted on the previous thread. "http://ift.tt/1EKGLzC
The past couple months, he's been acting different. He's been talking a lot about self improvement, weight loss and things like that. Yes, I know the RED flags for cheating. But I know that he's not cheating. That would require him to actually do something and leave the house alone for some time, which he doesn't do very often. So for him to tell me that he has a desire to have sex with someone else, floored me. It's not like him to want to put himself out there like that and for him to not explain anything to me. He says he doesn't think it's anything for me to worry about. If that were the case, why tell me at all?
So about a month ago, I caught him masturbating to porn in the bathroom. That's the first time in years I have seen him viewing it. I asked him, why would he be watching that and pleasuring himself when he has a very willing wife to do it for him? He told me that he doesn't do it very often. I chose to not start an argument with him. I let him know that I was open to watching it together next time to see if there are different things we can try, But, we didn't end up watching anything together. I even bought the toys to spice things up in the bedroom. When they arrived in the mail, he seemed excited to try some out. For that week, we had sex about every day or two. It wasn't until the end of that week that he got his orgasm, then all of a sudden got up and told me I could use my toys to finish myself off. I felt humiliated. I told myself I WILL NOT allow myself to feel that way ever again. We haven't had sex since...it's been 2 weeks. We had more sex in that week than we'd had in a whole year.
H told me 5 days ago that he had a desire to have sex with someone else. As I try to talk with him about it, more and more things come to light. He told me yesterday that he watches porn regularly to get off and has for a long time. So I'm thinking he really doesn't have a LD. He just doesn't want to have sex with ME anymore. Now, I'm thinking the porn has brought on these fantasies. He keeps wanting me to do anal. We've tried it in the past, but it really wasn't my thing. I'm now open to trying it again, but, it's not something that I want to start off with. I want us to get back to a more active sex life first. I do know that he no longer finds me attractive. He told me that much last night. I don't know how to fix this.
I know this is so much more than him simply wondering what it's like to have sex with someone else. I know our marriage is in a broken state. His lack of communication is a BIG deal for me. Despite all my efforts and willingness to talk things through, he won't explain anything to me, under the assumption of "you just wouldn't understand". I do not bring up my experiences from previous lovers with him. All 3 of my previous sexual experiences were when I was a teen and too young to truly understand what I had gotten myself into. I really want that emotional connection that he and I once had. I truly want to work things out with him, but I'm tired of investing all of my energy into trying to make this work. I need answers. I know he has his answers, but he won't give them to me. He has thoughts about this stuff, but he won't come out and say them. I feel like he is hiding. I originally wanted some insight as to why he has been and is feeling the way the he does...but I think I already have my answers. I'm needing some support and advice on how to move forward.
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