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When you have had enough let it out. A forum style blog about relationship issues and concerns,join in and have your say.
My Story - Confronted prior to knowing - "Answers and evidence first, confront after"
So like many, I was unaware of the recommended "protocol" that should be adhered to when the day came that my suspicions and paranoia were proven to be completely well founded and my girlfriend (who is now my wife) was proven to be a selfish and lying, deceitful person.
We've moved on significantly since this happened obviously, hence why we're still married and getting better and better every day - but I have never forgotten what happened and like many people who confront too early, I only realized in hindsight, too late afterwards how much potential evidence I missed and only learnt about the possible forensic recovery/surveillance methods that I wish I had known at the time... I would have my answers, but alas the solid proof is now well and truely gone, lost to history.
So here's how it went down - I would like to see what everyone's opinion is in regards to whether you think that this was (most likely, in your opinion) an EA or PA:
After months of my suspicion (to the point of obsessive searches every time she left the house) starting from the week we moved in together (the affair began pretty much the week before we moved in together as it turns out - as evidence from phone bill records I have since pulled) - to the day I finally found the evidence 6 months later (timeline late may 2011 to confronting on Nov 14 2011) when I found her recently replaced for upgrading to newer model Galaxy S2 stashed away in the back of her dresser draw, I finally found the evidence to justify my gut feeling and maniac behavior. Thank god I wasn't really crazy!
Although deleted from primary CALL/SMS logs, I could still see a mobile phone number that had appeared multiple times in the secondary SMS logs. So, she had clearly gone through and deleted purposefully this particular number - which was not saved as a contact - just a number and it was the only number/contact that had received such a thorough "delete" treatment.
So it was obvious that there had been at least one month (that I could see at this point) of SMS's from that number that was purposefully deleted. Unfortunately there was no content of any text messages remaining - so apart from seeing the number of SMS's (approx 50 in that viewable last 4 weeks) - I had nothing.
I called the number, confirmed a male voice with South African accent and then waited for the missus to return home from the music gig she was out with friends at that night. It was soon to finishh and I expected she would be home within 20/30mins... So I waited.
Shortly though, she calls me to tell me she was going to stay out a little longer etc... and that's when I gave her the good news - That she best come home instead, because we needed to talk. I didn't tell her what the problem or issue was at this point though, as I was at least thinking clearly enough to keep her in the dark about what was in motion until I hit her with the evidence I had just uncovered - rather than risk letting her think up a cover story or contact this POS on her way home, so as to come up with a cover story or other explanation etc.
I just wish that my sense of mind had been a little better than that though ...damn!
So when she arrived home, I went through my confrontation plan, which included a bit of an information hold back tactic in case the teeth pulling started... Basically, I had a few questions I was going to ask her, which I already had the answers to - Known knowns that she would also be fully aware of the answers to herself, very clearly aimed and something she would immediately identify with him...
So this began with the first question -Asking her if she had any South African friends... when that was denied, the question then became "Do you know any guys with a South African accent?"
She immediately played dumb... "Nooo?" (complete with the stupid look of a person acting as if they are doing their best to try and think who or what I am talking about)
So given that she had chosen to play dumb with the first two "opportunity questions" - I knew I had to step it up. The first two questions obviously hinted quite clearly to very specific and significant person that would not be forgotten in the consideration of those answers, they were pretty specific.
I was surprised that despite how clearly the answers were aimed at prompting her to provide a specific answer, which I clearly must have already known with further answers and detail - she still chose to deny she had any idea what I was talking about.
So, I had to move on to Question 3... "Do you know who's number this is?" and read the number to her... and then wrote it down on paper for her to maybe help jog her memory.... and then reminded her that its a number she has sms'd many many many times recently and had done so by manually entering the phone number in to the "recipient" section, given that it wasn't saved as a contact...
Still she had "No idea" who it could be funny enough!
I was stunned that she had maintained the play dumb routine this far in to my series of questions, despite how obviously clear it was that I had now identified the OM - I was beginning to run out of questions... and of course, known answers! :(
So I went on with - "lets call the number and see what happens", which got the admission finally that it was probably someone from work... and from that, I then demanded that she identify exactly who it was... and why they had been communicating using her private number so frequently, if it was indeed a work related matter...
So finally, the most basic truth finally comes out - She admits that "its a guy from work and they were just friends" blah blah.. and I think at that point, I asked her why she had deleted the messages and made it clear that we were now dealing with this as "I've finally caught you out, I ****ing knew it, you cheating *****, now explain yourself" from here on in.
Well, the whole thing was somehow quickly summed up and finished off with a nice little sugar coating, which I took hook line and sinker at the time - Her answer for the text messages and their deletion:
"I deleted the messages cos you are so paranoid and I didnt want you to think the wrong thing!" (essentially saying "So I just decided to hide my intense level of communication with a "friend" because despite that you have otherwise been perfectly accepting of the fact that I have 4-5 very good male friends that you have never had a problem with before, I just decided from the very beginning, that you would have lost your **** for no reason over my friendship with this particular guy... and that's why I kept my communication with him secret..." Which I promptly swallowed like a gullible sucker.
It turns our the little break up we had for a 5 days in July (15th 2011 weekend) was smack bang in the middle of their most intense period of communication - which I now see is textbook events timeline for a developing affair relationship that basically turns the WS against the BS... And had I asked her back then when this happened - in a very calm and diplomatic way - whether there was someone else involved and I asked this a number of times. I would ask in a calm, rational manner and re-iterated that I wasn't accusing, just asking... and that I was doing so in communicating honestly with her like should be done in a relationship.
I also gave the opportunity to just lay it out on the table if that was the case, and made it pretty clear that I would prefer that she just give me the bad news so at least I would then be able to put som logic and reason to why this "out of the blue split" had happened and I would cut my losses and walk away, rather than go through the drama of pointlessly trying to fix things.
I would have at least then had a reason to accept for our relationships sudden demise, and possibly just let it go, rather than continue to think I was losing my mind and that I was a paranoid insecure terrible partner.
She was adamant that she and I were over by the Sunday night the week this happened (the split happened wed night and I went to stay with mates for a few days to allow her to think and consider if she did still love me... Another familiar theme you all no doubt know!) But events over the weekend (i caught her out lying about the fact she was with a male sat night cos her phone pocket dialed me as they were driving!) And the cover story that was in turn supported by two of her toxic to our relationship (i hates them they hated me from day one) friends had me living in blissful denial about the incident and choosing to just accept her story and be happy that I finally came to my senses and came home to insist that we try and sort things out - which after much groveling and patheticness on my part, she eventually promised to give her all and effort towards also. Well... Phone records show that not only was there indeed someone else in the picture at the time of that July split, they didnt miss a single beat in their communications pattern after this "defining moment" - and sms records show that there was in fact slightly more than 550 sent by her in the following half of July and all of August... June/july same time frame was about 500 sms's .... So clearly she hadnt even attempted to break it off at this point...
They worked in the same office... So saw eachother daily where they would have lunch and coffe together sometimes several times a day - and when working at their seperate desks, would make do with office communicator chat (like msn/fb chat - live, open real time chat program that runs via exchange/outlook basically) and of course email and work mobile phones.
Over the entire time, aside from the office/workplace communications (which I can't see as the chat logs were deleted as were emails, then the exchange backups requested for deletion citing "full data file, housekeeping needs" as her reason to the admins...) There was about 750-800 smses sent by her to him (and apparently he sent her many more than she replied to etc she says) plus her work phone (she admits there was also smses on that, but again I couldn't see any details due to my haste and the fact it's a work account which I can't access records of) plus words with friends that unbeknownst to me at the time, was not being played obsessively due to her love of scrabble, rather it was the love of it's covert message system and it's perfect pass off if I asked who she was messaging with "no one, playing scrabble!" As she would flash the phone toward me and show me a scrabble game in action. Bah. So angry at the betrayal of things like that... But moving on
What I would like to hear from you guys is, given the above details, the volume and ease of access to communication and in person face to face time they had in this timeline and the things like complete deletion of all sms message email content and history (which to me says "you deleted it cos it was of a highly inappropriate nature... Cos there is no reason to delete innocent friennly banter, no matter how much volume ... And no one elses messages were deleted so it wasn't a case of running out of space on ur laptop/phone!") Plus a few other significant incidents that show development of the relationship to a point where it reached that point of her being in the fog so deep that our relationship did the textbook breakdown with textbook script - I aren't sure how I feel anymore /still love you line.... Am I right to call a firm bull**** on her story that they were:
"Just good friends"
"They might have sent a few flirty messages sometimes, eg. he had a pet name for her and they would send winks or little remarks, but nothing over the top and certainly nothing sexual was ever discussed..."
"They never did anything - nothing, nada... Simply good friends who messaged each other first thing in the morning and last thing before they close their eyes... and all day at work despite working at the same offices and often the same building... "
"This friendship required approx 700-800 SMS messages, in between using communicator messenger on their desktops during work hours every day and in the out of work hours, who had pet names for each other and that is ALL.... ?"
She has consistently maintained this claim of friendship and no more, without any further admissions since the incident/confrontation in Nov 2011.
She maintains that it is the honest truth, and has stuck firmly to her story - which has more holes than a fishing net imo...
A common line if I ever raise question or doubt with her from time to time is "I've told you everything, I don't know why I deleted the only evidence which could exonerate me and I am not going to just tell you something happened when it didnt to appease you! Nothing happened, get over it!"
That's basically the loop things have been stuck on ever since...
There are other Little red flags that I will elaborate on if there are those of you who are on the fence with this one being an EA or PA... But your opinions appreciated...
EA or was this almost certainly a PA in your view?
We've moved on significantly since this happened obviously, hence why we're still married and getting better and better every day - but I have never forgotten what happened and like many people who confront too early, I only realized in hindsight, too late afterwards how much potential evidence I missed and only learnt about the possible forensic recovery/surveillance methods that I wish I had known at the time... I would have my answers, but alas the solid proof is now well and truely gone, lost to history.
So here's how it went down - I would like to see what everyone's opinion is in regards to whether you think that this was (most likely, in your opinion) an EA or PA:
After months of my suspicion (to the point of obsessive searches every time she left the house) starting from the week we moved in together (the affair began pretty much the week before we moved in together as it turns out - as evidence from phone bill records I have since pulled) - to the day I finally found the evidence 6 months later (timeline late may 2011 to confronting on Nov 14 2011) when I found her recently replaced for upgrading to newer model Galaxy S2 stashed away in the back of her dresser draw, I finally found the evidence to justify my gut feeling and maniac behavior. Thank god I wasn't really crazy!
Although deleted from primary CALL/SMS logs, I could still see a mobile phone number that had appeared multiple times in the secondary SMS logs. So, she had clearly gone through and deleted purposefully this particular number - which was not saved as a contact - just a number and it was the only number/contact that had received such a thorough "delete" treatment.
So it was obvious that there had been at least one month (that I could see at this point) of SMS's from that number that was purposefully deleted. Unfortunately there was no content of any text messages remaining - so apart from seeing the number of SMS's (approx 50 in that viewable last 4 weeks) - I had nothing.
I called the number, confirmed a male voice with South African accent and then waited for the missus to return home from the music gig she was out with friends at that night. It was soon to finishh and I expected she would be home within 20/30mins... So I waited.
Shortly though, she calls me to tell me she was going to stay out a little longer etc... and that's when I gave her the good news - That she best come home instead, because we needed to talk. I didn't tell her what the problem or issue was at this point though, as I was at least thinking clearly enough to keep her in the dark about what was in motion until I hit her with the evidence I had just uncovered - rather than risk letting her think up a cover story or contact this POS on her way home, so as to come up with a cover story or other explanation etc.
I just wish that my sense of mind had been a little better than that though ...damn!
So when she arrived home, I went through my confrontation plan, which included a bit of an information hold back tactic in case the teeth pulling started... Basically, I had a few questions I was going to ask her, which I already had the answers to - Known knowns that she would also be fully aware of the answers to herself, very clearly aimed and something she would immediately identify with him...
So this began with the first question -Asking her if she had any South African friends... when that was denied, the question then became "Do you know any guys with a South African accent?"
She immediately played dumb... "Nooo?" (complete with the stupid look of a person acting as if they are doing their best to try and think who or what I am talking about)
So given that she had chosen to play dumb with the first two "opportunity questions" - I knew I had to step it up. The first two questions obviously hinted quite clearly to very specific and significant person that would not be forgotten in the consideration of those answers, they were pretty specific.
I was surprised that despite how clearly the answers were aimed at prompting her to provide a specific answer, which I clearly must have already known with further answers and detail - she still chose to deny she had any idea what I was talking about.
So, I had to move on to Question 3... "Do you know who's number this is?" and read the number to her... and then wrote it down on paper for her to maybe help jog her memory.... and then reminded her that its a number she has sms'd many many many times recently and had done so by manually entering the phone number in to the "recipient" section, given that it wasn't saved as a contact...
Still she had "No idea" who it could be funny enough!
I was stunned that she had maintained the play dumb routine this far in to my series of questions, despite how obviously clear it was that I had now identified the OM - I was beginning to run out of questions... and of course, known answers! :(
So I went on with - "lets call the number and see what happens", which got the admission finally that it was probably someone from work... and from that, I then demanded that she identify exactly who it was... and why they had been communicating using her private number so frequently, if it was indeed a work related matter...
So finally, the most basic truth finally comes out - She admits that "its a guy from work and they were just friends" blah blah.. and I think at that point, I asked her why she had deleted the messages and made it clear that we were now dealing with this as "I've finally caught you out, I ****ing knew it, you cheating *****, now explain yourself" from here on in.
Well, the whole thing was somehow quickly summed up and finished off with a nice little sugar coating, which I took hook line and sinker at the time - Her answer for the text messages and their deletion:
"I deleted the messages cos you are so paranoid and I didnt want you to think the wrong thing!" (essentially saying "So I just decided to hide my intense level of communication with a "friend" because despite that you have otherwise been perfectly accepting of the fact that I have 4-5 very good male friends that you have never had a problem with before, I just decided from the very beginning, that you would have lost your **** for no reason over my friendship with this particular guy... and that's why I kept my communication with him secret..." Which I promptly swallowed like a gullible sucker.
It turns our the little break up we had for a 5 days in July (15th 2011 weekend) was smack bang in the middle of their most intense period of communication - which I now see is textbook events timeline for a developing affair relationship that basically turns the WS against the BS... And had I asked her back then when this happened - in a very calm and diplomatic way - whether there was someone else involved and I asked this a number of times. I would ask in a calm, rational manner and re-iterated that I wasn't accusing, just asking... and that I was doing so in communicating honestly with her like should be done in a relationship.
I also gave the opportunity to just lay it out on the table if that was the case, and made it pretty clear that I would prefer that she just give me the bad news so at least I would then be able to put som logic and reason to why this "out of the blue split" had happened and I would cut my losses and walk away, rather than go through the drama of pointlessly trying to fix things.
I would have at least then had a reason to accept for our relationships sudden demise, and possibly just let it go, rather than continue to think I was losing my mind and that I was a paranoid insecure terrible partner.
She was adamant that she and I were over by the Sunday night the week this happened (the split happened wed night and I went to stay with mates for a few days to allow her to think and consider if she did still love me... Another familiar theme you all no doubt know!) But events over the weekend (i caught her out lying about the fact she was with a male sat night cos her phone pocket dialed me as they were driving!) And the cover story that was in turn supported by two of her toxic to our relationship (i hates them they hated me from day one) friends had me living in blissful denial about the incident and choosing to just accept her story and be happy that I finally came to my senses and came home to insist that we try and sort things out - which after much groveling and patheticness on my part, she eventually promised to give her all and effort towards also. Well... Phone records show that not only was there indeed someone else in the picture at the time of that July split, they didnt miss a single beat in their communications pattern after this "defining moment" - and sms records show that there was in fact slightly more than 550 sent by her in the following half of July and all of August... June/july same time frame was about 500 sms's .... So clearly she hadnt even attempted to break it off at this point...
They worked in the same office... So saw eachother daily where they would have lunch and coffe together sometimes several times a day - and when working at their seperate desks, would make do with office communicator chat (like msn/fb chat - live, open real time chat program that runs via exchange/outlook basically) and of course email and work mobile phones.
Over the entire time, aside from the office/workplace communications (which I can't see as the chat logs were deleted as were emails, then the exchange backups requested for deletion citing "full data file, housekeeping needs" as her reason to the admins...) There was about 750-800 smses sent by her to him (and apparently he sent her many more than she replied to etc she says) plus her work phone (she admits there was also smses on that, but again I couldn't see any details due to my haste and the fact it's a work account which I can't access records of) plus words with friends that unbeknownst to me at the time, was not being played obsessively due to her love of scrabble, rather it was the love of it's covert message system and it's perfect pass off if I asked who she was messaging with "no one, playing scrabble!" As she would flash the phone toward me and show me a scrabble game in action. Bah. So angry at the betrayal of things like that... But moving on
What I would like to hear from you guys is, given the above details, the volume and ease of access to communication and in person face to face time they had in this timeline and the things like complete deletion of all sms message email content and history (which to me says "you deleted it cos it was of a highly inappropriate nature... Cos there is no reason to delete innocent friennly banter, no matter how much volume ... And no one elses messages were deleted so it wasn't a case of running out of space on ur laptop/phone!") Plus a few other significant incidents that show development of the relationship to a point where it reached that point of her being in the fog so deep that our relationship did the textbook breakdown with textbook script - I aren't sure how I feel anymore /still love you line.... Am I right to call a firm bull**** on her story that they were:
"Just good friends"
"They might have sent a few flirty messages sometimes, eg. he had a pet name for her and they would send winks or little remarks, but nothing over the top and certainly nothing sexual was ever discussed..."
"They never did anything - nothing, nada... Simply good friends who messaged each other first thing in the morning and last thing before they close their eyes... and all day at work despite working at the same offices and often the same building... "
"This friendship required approx 700-800 SMS messages, in between using communicator messenger on their desktops during work hours every day and in the out of work hours, who had pet names for each other and that is ALL.... ?"
She has consistently maintained this claim of friendship and no more, without any further admissions since the incident/confrontation in Nov 2011.
She maintains that it is the honest truth, and has stuck firmly to her story - which has more holes than a fishing net imo...
A common line if I ever raise question or doubt with her from time to time is "I've told you everything, I don't know why I deleted the only evidence which could exonerate me and I am not going to just tell you something happened when it didnt to appease you! Nothing happened, get over it!"
That's basically the loop things have been stuck on ever since...
There are other Little red flags that I will elaborate on if there are those of you who are on the fence with this one being an EA or PA... But your opinions appreciated...
EA or was this almost certainly a PA in your view?
Put the internet to work for you.
Body Talk - What are your goals and how close are you to achieving them?
Ok... for those of you who "train" regularly this is the thread to share your favorite tips and celebrate how close you are to your best goals including adventure races.
She is my inspiration for strength, balance and flexibility:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ychdzz6UEA
These bar exercises fascinate me.. I'm going to put those bars in my apartment in the next few months :)
She is my inspiration for strength, balance and flexibility:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ychdzz6UEA
These bar exercises fascinate me.. I'm going to put those bars in my apartment in the next few months :)
Put the internet to work for you.
Intercultural Marriage in Trouble
Hi Folks,
I'm new to the forum, mainly out of desperation in hopes of finding someone who can understand my situation. I live in the south so intercultural marriages are uncommon.
I've been with my husband for about 8.5 years, married just over 5. I'm American and he's from India (lived here for 13 years). We have serious issues. We've talked about divorce, etc. He refuses to go to a counselor. He says it's just not his culture, etc. When I say refuse, he's told me he prefers divorce over a therapist.
I started going to one because I just need to, but I've realized it isn't going to be as helpful as having both of us there. Maybe not helpful at all in the sense of keeping us together in a happy and healthy way. (It hurt him when I went to one alone and it would kill him knowing I'm writing this post. Boy, I'm a terrible person...)
I'm not even sure what I'm asking here. Perhaps I wonder if there's anyone out there who's been through anything similar and if they have any general thoughts. I feel pretty helpless...
I'm new to the forum, mainly out of desperation in hopes of finding someone who can understand my situation. I live in the south so intercultural marriages are uncommon.
I've been with my husband for about 8.5 years, married just over 5. I'm American and he's from India (lived here for 13 years). We have serious issues. We've talked about divorce, etc. He refuses to go to a counselor. He says it's just not his culture, etc. When I say refuse, he's told me he prefers divorce over a therapist.
I started going to one because I just need to, but I've realized it isn't going to be as helpful as having both of us there. Maybe not helpful at all in the sense of keeping us together in a happy and healthy way. (It hurt him when I went to one alone and it would kill him knowing I'm writing this post. Boy, I'm a terrible person...)
I'm not even sure what I'm asking here. Perhaps I wonder if there's anyone out there who's been through anything similar and if they have any general thoughts. I feel pretty helpless...
Put the internet to work for you.
Super Private Spouse. Would this bother you?
My H is a very private person. He always has been. One of my biggest frustrations in our relationship is that I can't have what I consider a relaxed, intimate conversation with him.
He will not tell me when he lost his virginity or any of his sexual history. Something about that came up the other day and I asked him again and he just says "That's private. I think some things are no one else's business."
I said "But I'm your wife."
That got me nowhere.
Not knowing is not what bothers me as much as the fact that he doesn't want to tell me. Is that possibly just a girl/guy thing where the woman wants to have these intimate talks and the guy just does not? I know men don't talk about personal things as much as women in general but I never felt this frustration in past relationships that I just could not broach certain subjects.
He had relationships prior to me, but I don't think very many. I think part of his reluctance is that he thinks it's wrong to talk about a woman you had sex with, or, I guess it's possible I am his first, though I want to say not probable.
I had a couple long term boyfriends and was married once before him.
He also doesn't want to hear about my past. He is very buttoned down - for example he will drink occasionally but has never tried pot or any other drugs. I dabbled quite a bit when I was a teen. I understand a man not wanting to hear about his wife sleeping with other men, but I can't tell ANY story from my teens or wilder days without him seeming extremely judgmental and disapproving.
And if I want to say something that happened in my first marriage or with any person I dated before him, he's gotten to where he will tolerate it but he clearly doesn't like it, so I generally try to avoid it.
I can go weeks without thinking about this, but when it comes up, I feel frustrated and disappointed, like there is this place of intimacy - knowing each other - that we will never get to. He says he loves me so much, but why doesn't he want to know about things that shaped me? It really feels like he's emotionally handicapped to me, but also like there kind of a control thing in it, like "I know you want this from me and I'm not going to give it." But maybe he just can't.
We are supposed to do the Marriage Builders program (in case any of you are familiar with it). After much persistence from me, he finally said something like "I will do this thing with you but I hope you don't think I'm going to start telling you things about myself."
I now know this was delusional, but when we were dating I really thought "one he relaxes and trusts me he will open up." but that never happened. He says he's told me more than anyone ever but things like this virginity thing leave me feeling frustrated.
Any thoughts?
He will not tell me when he lost his virginity or any of his sexual history. Something about that came up the other day and I asked him again and he just says "That's private. I think some things are no one else's business."
I said "But I'm your wife."
That got me nowhere.
Not knowing is not what bothers me as much as the fact that he doesn't want to tell me. Is that possibly just a girl/guy thing where the woman wants to have these intimate talks and the guy just does not? I know men don't talk about personal things as much as women in general but I never felt this frustration in past relationships that I just could not broach certain subjects.
He had relationships prior to me, but I don't think very many. I think part of his reluctance is that he thinks it's wrong to talk about a woman you had sex with, or, I guess it's possible I am his first, though I want to say not probable.
I had a couple long term boyfriends and was married once before him.
He also doesn't want to hear about my past. He is very buttoned down - for example he will drink occasionally but has never tried pot or any other drugs. I dabbled quite a bit when I was a teen. I understand a man not wanting to hear about his wife sleeping with other men, but I can't tell ANY story from my teens or wilder days without him seeming extremely judgmental and disapproving.
And if I want to say something that happened in my first marriage or with any person I dated before him, he's gotten to where he will tolerate it but he clearly doesn't like it, so I generally try to avoid it.
I can go weeks without thinking about this, but when it comes up, I feel frustrated and disappointed, like there is this place of intimacy - knowing each other - that we will never get to. He says he loves me so much, but why doesn't he want to know about things that shaped me? It really feels like he's emotionally handicapped to me, but also like there kind of a control thing in it, like "I know you want this from me and I'm not going to give it." But maybe he just can't.
We are supposed to do the Marriage Builders program (in case any of you are familiar with it). After much persistence from me, he finally said something like "I will do this thing with you but I hope you don't think I'm going to start telling you things about myself."
I now know this was delusional, but when we were dating I really thought "one he relaxes and trusts me he will open up." but that never happened. He says he's told me more than anyone ever but things like this virginity thing leave me feeling frustrated.
Any thoughts?
Put the internet to work for you.
Not invited to church friends wedding
I am so upset, this friend from church is having a wedding and
they have deleted me from Facebook and they only way I found out she was engaged was by a mutual friend. So I am pretty sure I wont be invited to the wedding even though this is someone I have known for years from church. And I just want to know why I wasn't invited, and I suspect it may be because of a falling out I had with her sister where she yelled at me for wanting to crash this other mutual friends wedding a few years ago. Would it be rude to just ask why I wasn't invited and make sure it wasn't because of this and she hates me?
they have deleted me from Facebook and they only way I found out she was engaged was by a mutual friend. So I am pretty sure I wont be invited to the wedding even though this is someone I have known for years from church. And I just want to know why I wasn't invited, and I suspect it may be because of a falling out I had with her sister where she yelled at me for wanting to crash this other mutual friends wedding a few years ago. Would it be rude to just ask why I wasn't invited and make sure it wasn't because of this and she hates me?
Put the internet to work for you.
New to the Forum - Have a dilemma
Hi Everyone! I've been pouring though posts the past few days after finding this website and this really seems like the supportive community that I was looking for.
I apologize for the long winded post. If anyone is brave enough to read through all of this, first of all thank you, second of all please don't pull any punches. At this point I have zero people I can talk to, and I have a habit of coloring my thoughts and reactions negatively and in the least confident manner as possible. I really need some objective advice here as I'm not sure exactly what I should do.
I'm 35, male, married my high school sweetheart (between dating and marriage we've been together for 19 years) and we have a beautiful nearly 3 year old daughter. My wife and I are well educated and very private people so writing this post is very difficult for me. Its also worth noting that I suffered from severe depression from early childhood on into my late 20's.
Growing up I was taught that porn was a right of passage, something you consumed as a man because your wife wont do those things you so desperately what to do with the models in the mags.
My wife, and currently I, have an issue with porn, a well researched and documented stance about the ill effects caused by porn. One that she made very clear to me early on that consumption of porn on my part would lead to the end of our relationship.
Despite my upbringing I tried to stay off the porn for the sake of my relationship, but as time went on and the ebb and flows of intimacy took hold I started down the dark path of porn.
After 8 years of dating I finally asked my wife to marry me. She said yes but had no idea i'd been consuming porn all that time. To boot, my severe depression was at its peak at this time.
Thankfully I started going to therapy and got on some meds and started to straighten my life out. I began to address my past with my parents and I created a plan to tell my wife about the porn and the grip it had on me. I didn't want to go into a marriage with this giant lie attached to it. I wanted to be truthful with her and whatever happens happens.
It came at no surprise when she took the news as though I'd been having an affair for so many years. For nearly a year I saw this brilliant, loving, and wonderful woman turn into a cold, callous, hurt shell of a woman at the hands of my indiscretions. I had given up porn and dedicated my time to her and eventually the fog lifted and our relationship started to rebuild. There were numerous times things would be great and then out of nowhere she'd toss her engagement ring at me and tell me it was over. That went on for nearly a year. We both stuck with it though and got married.
The beginnings of our marriage were good but stressed by my job. I had to travel a lot and put in a ton of hours. We are planners, get through college, get married, stabilize our finances and then have kids. Well to stabilize finances you have to work. So...you can see where that is going. She started resenting my job so there was a lot of tension there. I would back off on work but eventually it would start coming back and the friction would increase then I would back off again and the cycle would continue.
Our sex life was only really good in the beginning of our relationship before marriage. She started taking the pill and her libido took a nose dive to nada. We still had sex but it was much less frequent. When I confessed my other life to my wife sex came to a halt for nearly a year. There was a very frustrating rediscovery period and then some level of normalcy. Maybe once a month or so. Finally about 5 years into the marriage I told her that I wasn't happy with our intimacy level. Everything else was great but that I really needed more. Instead of talking this out she shut me out. After a few days she agreed to have more sex. Time went on and we started talking about having kids, but not having more sex. Over a period of a few months we stopped taking birth control and she did a 180. It took us a good 9 months to finally get pregnant but during that time we had a ton of sex and even after she got pregnant we still had a lot of good sex. Our relationship was the strongest its ever been and it was the happiest either of us have ever been. Fast forward to post pregnancy and now she's back on the pill. The progression has gone in the past 3 years from sex once in awhile, meaning every other month or so, to now not having sex in over a year.
In the past 2 years I've changed jobs. Now I rarely ever travel and never talk about work. I have the flexibility to work remotely and don't typically put in more than 40 a week. I bend over backward to help out in all house and work related matters, cook, clean, house maintenance, the list goes on.
In the past year our relationship has suffered a ton. She used to be super affectionate, even suffocating at times. But now she wont even touch me, even for an embrace or a simple reassuring hand on my shoulder. She doesn't say she loves me unless I say it first. We spend zero time together. If we are in the same room its almost like she panics and is looking for an out. She for the most part actively ignores me now, doesn't answer me when I ask her questions, hardly responds to texts or emails or phone calls during the day. She is always glued to her cell phone despite the fact that her main point of contention with me and work was my cell phone, I've since stopped keeping it at my side at home.
Last weekend my sister in law took our daughter out for a dinner date and to go hang out so my wife and I were left at home alone. I thought wow what a great opportunity to spend some time together. The second she had the chance, without a word, she ran upstairs got changed into work clothes and started cleaning the bathroom.
After about 30 min of cleaning she said she was hungry so we decided to go out to eat. By her choosing she wanted to go to this expensive get dressed up place by our house. I thought it was odd but I took the bait and got gussied up since that's not something we've done in well over 2 years together. We get to the restaurant and after 20 min of awkward conversation and empty silences she drops a bomb on me that she might get laid off at work and wanted to know how secure my job was and if there was anything I could do to make more money. I kindly reminded her that I took my current job, at a pay increase actually, to cut back on hours to strengthen our marriage and so that I would not be an absent father to our daughter. She responded that she would like it if I could make more money but not if it meant being gone all the time. so with that out of the way we had a pretty nice dinner. Conversation wasn't awesome but much better than it had been in months. Dinner finishe d and we went home and went our separate ways, however I left feeling a little lighter in my step. I thought this was an improvement and maybe a step in a better direction.
A few days after our "date" I was feeling really down in the dumps. My brother passed away 7 years ago and the anniversary is coming up so I was reminiscing and I really needed a shoulder, not to cry on but I needed an embrace something that would say its okay. Based on the dinner we had and her happier demeanor the few days in between I decided to put myself out there. I tried to simply give her a hug. Now in the past year we have hugged once and thats it. Other than that no physical contact at all. What I felt was anything but reassured. Her body tensed up, she let me hug her but there was nothing on the other side. In fact she started to pull away midway through. I really can't take any more rejection at this point.
Now I expected a little of this but not on this level. I assumed that after having a child that some of that love and affection would be transferred to our baby, but not all of it. I also understand a need of having ownership of your own body. As a mother you don't really have that. You give your mind body emotions, everything over to your child. and so I tried to give her both space and time. Now I dont know what to do. I feel like she has given up entirely on our marriage. I know I need to ask her whats going on but really I'm afraid she is going to say she is done with us. She is an always has been the type of person that simply decides what she is going to do and thats it. No consulting, no conversation, just decides and does. Having a child I don't know what the right course of action here is. Do I confront my wife and ask her what the deal is knowing that the answer I get may be one that cant be taken back or do I let it be and hope for the best so that I do nt have to alter my life with my child?
I apologize for the long winded post. If anyone is brave enough to read through all of this, first of all thank you, second of all please don't pull any punches. At this point I have zero people I can talk to, and I have a habit of coloring my thoughts and reactions negatively and in the least confident manner as possible. I really need some objective advice here as I'm not sure exactly what I should do.
I'm 35, male, married my high school sweetheart (between dating and marriage we've been together for 19 years) and we have a beautiful nearly 3 year old daughter. My wife and I are well educated and very private people so writing this post is very difficult for me. Its also worth noting that I suffered from severe depression from early childhood on into my late 20's.
Growing up I was taught that porn was a right of passage, something you consumed as a man because your wife wont do those things you so desperately what to do with the models in the mags.
My wife, and currently I, have an issue with porn, a well researched and documented stance about the ill effects caused by porn. One that she made very clear to me early on that consumption of porn on my part would lead to the end of our relationship.
Despite my upbringing I tried to stay off the porn for the sake of my relationship, but as time went on and the ebb and flows of intimacy took hold I started down the dark path of porn.
After 8 years of dating I finally asked my wife to marry me. She said yes but had no idea i'd been consuming porn all that time. To boot, my severe depression was at its peak at this time.
Thankfully I started going to therapy and got on some meds and started to straighten my life out. I began to address my past with my parents and I created a plan to tell my wife about the porn and the grip it had on me. I didn't want to go into a marriage with this giant lie attached to it. I wanted to be truthful with her and whatever happens happens.
It came at no surprise when she took the news as though I'd been having an affair for so many years. For nearly a year I saw this brilliant, loving, and wonderful woman turn into a cold, callous, hurt shell of a woman at the hands of my indiscretions. I had given up porn and dedicated my time to her and eventually the fog lifted and our relationship started to rebuild. There were numerous times things would be great and then out of nowhere she'd toss her engagement ring at me and tell me it was over. That went on for nearly a year. We both stuck with it though and got married.
The beginnings of our marriage were good but stressed by my job. I had to travel a lot and put in a ton of hours. We are planners, get through college, get married, stabilize our finances and then have kids. Well to stabilize finances you have to work. So...you can see where that is going. She started resenting my job so there was a lot of tension there. I would back off on work but eventually it would start coming back and the friction would increase then I would back off again and the cycle would continue.
Our sex life was only really good in the beginning of our relationship before marriage. She started taking the pill and her libido took a nose dive to nada. We still had sex but it was much less frequent. When I confessed my other life to my wife sex came to a halt for nearly a year. There was a very frustrating rediscovery period and then some level of normalcy. Maybe once a month or so. Finally about 5 years into the marriage I told her that I wasn't happy with our intimacy level. Everything else was great but that I really needed more. Instead of talking this out she shut me out. After a few days she agreed to have more sex. Time went on and we started talking about having kids, but not having more sex. Over a period of a few months we stopped taking birth control and she did a 180. It took us a good 9 months to finally get pregnant but during that time we had a ton of sex and even after she got pregnant we still had a lot of good sex. Our relationship was the strongest its ever been and it was the happiest either of us have ever been. Fast forward to post pregnancy and now she's back on the pill. The progression has gone in the past 3 years from sex once in awhile, meaning every other month or so, to now not having sex in over a year.
In the past 2 years I've changed jobs. Now I rarely ever travel and never talk about work. I have the flexibility to work remotely and don't typically put in more than 40 a week. I bend over backward to help out in all house and work related matters, cook, clean, house maintenance, the list goes on.
In the past year our relationship has suffered a ton. She used to be super affectionate, even suffocating at times. But now she wont even touch me, even for an embrace or a simple reassuring hand on my shoulder. She doesn't say she loves me unless I say it first. We spend zero time together. If we are in the same room its almost like she panics and is looking for an out. She for the most part actively ignores me now, doesn't answer me when I ask her questions, hardly responds to texts or emails or phone calls during the day. She is always glued to her cell phone despite the fact that her main point of contention with me and work was my cell phone, I've since stopped keeping it at my side at home.
Last weekend my sister in law took our daughter out for a dinner date and to go hang out so my wife and I were left at home alone. I thought wow what a great opportunity to spend some time together. The second she had the chance, without a word, she ran upstairs got changed into work clothes and started cleaning the bathroom.
After about 30 min of cleaning she said she was hungry so we decided to go out to eat. By her choosing she wanted to go to this expensive get dressed up place by our house. I thought it was odd but I took the bait and got gussied up since that's not something we've done in well over 2 years together. We get to the restaurant and after 20 min of awkward conversation and empty silences she drops a bomb on me that she might get laid off at work and wanted to know how secure my job was and if there was anything I could do to make more money. I kindly reminded her that I took my current job, at a pay increase actually, to cut back on hours to strengthen our marriage and so that I would not be an absent father to our daughter. She responded that she would like it if I could make more money but not if it meant being gone all the time. so with that out of the way we had a pretty nice dinner. Conversation wasn't awesome but much better than it had been in months. Dinner finishe d and we went home and went our separate ways, however I left feeling a little lighter in my step. I thought this was an improvement and maybe a step in a better direction.
A few days after our "date" I was feeling really down in the dumps. My brother passed away 7 years ago and the anniversary is coming up so I was reminiscing and I really needed a shoulder, not to cry on but I needed an embrace something that would say its okay. Based on the dinner we had and her happier demeanor the few days in between I decided to put myself out there. I tried to simply give her a hug. Now in the past year we have hugged once and thats it. Other than that no physical contact at all. What I felt was anything but reassured. Her body tensed up, she let me hug her but there was nothing on the other side. In fact she started to pull away midway through. I really can't take any more rejection at this point.
Now I expected a little of this but not on this level. I assumed that after having a child that some of that love and affection would be transferred to our baby, but not all of it. I also understand a need of having ownership of your own body. As a mother you don't really have that. You give your mind body emotions, everything over to your child. and so I tried to give her both space and time. Now I dont know what to do. I feel like she has given up entirely on our marriage. I know I need to ask her whats going on but really I'm afraid she is going to say she is done with us. She is an always has been the type of person that simply decides what she is going to do and thats it. No consulting, no conversation, just decides and does. Having a child I don't know what the right course of action here is. Do I confront my wife and ask her what the deal is knowing that the answer I get may be one that cant be taken back or do I let it be and hope for the best so that I do nt have to alter my life with my child?
Put the internet to work for you.
Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!
Sorry gang, I tried to keep it short but the words kept flowing out through my pain...:frown2:
You guys have helped me so wonderfully and caring through the separation process, and unfortunately now my husband is pushing us into the divorce process. :(
Her name is "Candy"(yeah right). I found out about this "friend" a little before Valentines day this year from my 5 year old son. When I asked my husband who Candy was since our son brought her up to me, he said it was a friend and basically told me in a non-confrontational way that it wasn't any of my business. :confused:
I'm not gonna retell my long story and put you guys to sleep, but here's a summary: To give you a picture of our time in life, I am almost 35 and he is 33 yrs old. I separated from him 6 months ago to cool off and try to work things out - did it for my mental health since I found out he was having an emotional affair on me with a coworker(he still denies it) & was no longer in love with me, and I was extremely devastated and nervous breakdown-ish. Since he had been so loving in the past, I thought he would still be a bit attentive, but since the separation he NEVER contacts me UNLESS it's for business, and would always get pissed and start an "it's all your fault" heated argument if I brought our relationship up.
He recently told me he wants a divorce. He won't change his mind no matter what I do - or did, since I stopped begging and trying to convince him weeks ago to work it out with me. We did a 50/50 split the regarding joint custody, and my son tells me that "Candy came over" or hung around with them almost every time I pick him up and ask him if daddy and him hung out with any friends - my husband has a lot if friends, figured it wouldn't be too abnormal to ask who they hung out with during their time together. Recently my son said he was tired of Candy coming over, since he wants time with just his daddy!:frown2:
When we first separated, I asked him if he would agree with me that we would NOT expose our child to anyone we're dating unless we were serious about them, and at that point we would also tell the other spouse about wanting to introduce our child to someone else if we were serious about them. I asked him the last condition so that the other spouse could help our son if he had questions about mommy or Daddy's special "friend" and came to the opposite spouse. And he agreed, but was reluctant to the condition of telling the other spouse about the serious relationship. That was close to six months ago, and like I said, he is totally hardcore about getting the divorce filing started ASAP. He got MAD and started an argument when I told him I needed more time to sort things out before the divorce filing!
We live in California, which is a no fault state, so I couldn't get him on adultery to get anything out of him - or can I (I don't know for sure)? Plus we have no big money assets/items since we've been married, other than a few shared stocks that are only in the 1K-2K range. We also had to short sale our house a few years back. So I don't think it's about money. I wanna confront him about it but he gets so damned angry when I bring our relationship up.
I used to try and keep things calm since I still love him an wanted us to work out, but now I have nothing to lose other than a divorce from a spouse with an "attitude" (which I do not want) and my love is also deteriorating (thank God :grin2:). He recently told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore - he told me this after I tried to get "close" to him with a little flirting. Before he couldn't keep his hands off of me. When he told me that, he had tears in his eyes, said he didn't want to hurt me.
I'm getting ready to give him the "free to leave the cage" letter recommended by the book Love Must Be Tough, to let him go. If he comes back to try again I'd do it because I believe strongly in marriage commitment, but it would take a LONG TIME and good Christian counseling before we get to a good point. But for now I'm moving on with my life, peeling his hold off of my heart and getting ready for the divorce filing.
So my question is: Why is he keeping her a secret?
Thanks as always guys! :smile2:
You guys have helped me so wonderfully and caring through the separation process, and unfortunately now my husband is pushing us into the divorce process. :(
Her name is "Candy"(yeah right). I found out about this "friend" a little before Valentines day this year from my 5 year old son. When I asked my husband who Candy was since our son brought her up to me, he said it was a friend and basically told me in a non-confrontational way that it wasn't any of my business. :confused:
I'm not gonna retell my long story and put you guys to sleep, but here's a summary: To give you a picture of our time in life, I am almost 35 and he is 33 yrs old. I separated from him 6 months ago to cool off and try to work things out - did it for my mental health since I found out he was having an emotional affair on me with a coworker(he still denies it) & was no longer in love with me, and I was extremely devastated and nervous breakdown-ish. Since he had been so loving in the past, I thought he would still be a bit attentive, but since the separation he NEVER contacts me UNLESS it's for business, and would always get pissed and start an "it's all your fault" heated argument if I brought our relationship up.
He recently told me he wants a divorce. He won't change his mind no matter what I do - or did, since I stopped begging and trying to convince him weeks ago to work it out with me. We did a 50/50 split the regarding joint custody, and my son tells me that "Candy came over" or hung around with them almost every time I pick him up and ask him if daddy and him hung out with any friends - my husband has a lot if friends, figured it wouldn't be too abnormal to ask who they hung out with during their time together. Recently my son said he was tired of Candy coming over, since he wants time with just his daddy!:frown2:
When we first separated, I asked him if he would agree with me that we would NOT expose our child to anyone we're dating unless we were serious about them, and at that point we would also tell the other spouse about wanting to introduce our child to someone else if we were serious about them. I asked him the last condition so that the other spouse could help our son if he had questions about mommy or Daddy's special "friend" and came to the opposite spouse. And he agreed, but was reluctant to the condition of telling the other spouse about the serious relationship. That was close to six months ago, and like I said, he is totally hardcore about getting the divorce filing started ASAP. He got MAD and started an argument when I told him I needed more time to sort things out before the divorce filing!
We live in California, which is a no fault state, so I couldn't get him on adultery to get anything out of him - or can I (I don't know for sure)? Plus we have no big money assets/items since we've been married, other than a few shared stocks that are only in the 1K-2K range. We also had to short sale our house a few years back. So I don't think it's about money. I wanna confront him about it but he gets so damned angry when I bring our relationship up.
I used to try and keep things calm since I still love him an wanted us to work out, but now I have nothing to lose other than a divorce from a spouse with an "attitude" (which I do not want) and my love is also deteriorating (thank God :grin2:). He recently told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore - he told me this after I tried to get "close" to him with a little flirting. Before he couldn't keep his hands off of me. When he told me that, he had tears in his eyes, said he didn't want to hurt me.
I'm getting ready to give him the "free to leave the cage" letter recommended by the book Love Must Be Tough, to let him go. If he comes back to try again I'd do it because I believe strongly in marriage commitment, but it would take a LONG TIME and good Christian counseling before we get to a good point. But for now I'm moving on with my life, peeling his hold off of my heart and getting ready for the divorce filing.
So my question is: Why is he keeping her a secret?
Thanks as always guys! :smile2:
Put the internet to work for you.
My husband never initiates!
Hi everyone,
I need some opinions. I have been married for 13 years and in that period I have initiated sex almost 80% of the time. Is this normal? My H is my first and only partner so I never thought it was a big deal since he never rejects me. But recently, I have started resenting this. In the beginning it was half and half but now if I don't initiate, we'll go without it for weeks/months. It bothers me and I tried telling him but he doesn't see an issue. He tells me he is attracted to me and he is physically very affectionate. I lost about 50lbs in the last 4 years and my sex drive has gone up over the years. I am a very attractive woman. So I don't understand why I have to ask for it. It sometimes makes me sad and upset. I also think the issue might have to do with his lack of self esteem because he gained lots of weight over the years. We both went on a diet and he lost about 80lbs and gained it all back. I maintained what I lost. I know that makes him feel bad but he is re fusing to do anything about it at this point. Any suggestions on how I can motivate him to initiate more? Weight is a problem but I still love him and I want him to want me. I got men hitting on me all the time at work since my weight loss and it upsets me he doesn't want me enough to initiate. :frown2:
I need some opinions. I have been married for 13 years and in that period I have initiated sex almost 80% of the time. Is this normal? My H is my first and only partner so I never thought it was a big deal since he never rejects me. But recently, I have started resenting this. In the beginning it was half and half but now if I don't initiate, we'll go without it for weeks/months. It bothers me and I tried telling him but he doesn't see an issue. He tells me he is attracted to me and he is physically very affectionate. I lost about 50lbs in the last 4 years and my sex drive has gone up over the years. I am a very attractive woman. So I don't understand why I have to ask for it. It sometimes makes me sad and upset. I also think the issue might have to do with his lack of self esteem because he gained lots of weight over the years. We both went on a diet and he lost about 80lbs and gained it all back. I maintained what I lost. I know that makes him feel bad but he is re fusing to do anything about it at this point. Any suggestions on how I can motivate him to initiate more? Weight is a problem but I still love him and I want him to want me. I got men hitting on me all the time at work since my weight loss and it upsets me he doesn't want me enough to initiate. :frown2:
Put the internet to work for you.
Friends with Ex
Hi I'm Tom. I am recently engaged but have to move away from my fiancé for a year. Before me, she was in a 2-year relationship with an older gentleman that was platonic due to his deteriorating health. He is evidently more financially well-to-do than I. She wants to remain friends with him and asserts that I either trust her or I don't. He previously declined invitations to join us for dinner with me present. Now that I am moving out of state, she wants him to join her family for dinner periodically.
I am certain that sex is a non-issue. However, I feel conflicted about her retaining ties with an ex-boyfriend under these circumstances. Any advice one way or another? Thx.
Posted via Mobile Device
Posted via Mobile Device
I am certain that sex is a non-issue. However, I feel conflicted about her retaining ties with an ex-boyfriend under these circumstances. Any advice one way or another? Thx.
Posted via Mobile Device
Posted via Mobile Device
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Should I even bother to reconcile???
My husband & I separated 3 months ago- we've been married for 5 years, together for 6 years total. I'm the one who decided to leave the marriage because he was emotionally abusive & has narcissistic personality disorder, and I couldn't take his life-draining, ridiculous, hurtful behavior anymore. I moved out of our house with our 18 month old daughter & moved in with my mother, who only lives a few miles away. I'm not posting this to necessarily talk about his narcissism, though it does play a factor, but I need some advice regarding reconciling with him possibly...I think I already know the answer to my question, but I want to know what other people think...
I'm not in love with my husband anymore. Frankly, I don't really like him because since I've figured out that he's a narcissist I see through all his BS now & it makes me sick. It's been easier to leave him than a "normal" marriage would be, I believe, because we weren't friends. I'm 33 years old & I actually enjoy living at home with my mother because I'm free to be myself & I don't have the anxiety I had at home.
1 month after we separated he started dating a woman he met on a dating site- he says they've been out 5 times & haven't had sex, only kissed. By the way, since we separated we've been intimate 2 times at the very beginning of the separation. He texts/calls me regularly asking me to come over to have sex, but I say no because I'm not interested in that at all because I know he's just using me. He's told me numerous times since we split up, and since he's been dating this woman, that he wants me back & he'll do anything to get me back. But he hasn't done anything to show me he's serious. He's taking HER out on dates and NOT his WIFE.
For the past few days he's talked to me again about us getting back together. I asked him what he was going to do about the woman he's dating. He said he'd let this woman go completely if he knew that I was serious about us possibly getting back together. After thinking about it for a number of days, I told him that I would consider us getting back together again, but he'd have to make the effort to take me out, woo me, talk to me, open up to me about himself, etc. There would be no spending the night all the time, I'm not moving back in & I'm not going over there just to have sex with him (he's going to have to earn that from me).
Later in the night we talked & I asked if he had told her that we were going to try to work things out. He said that he had texted her & told her that they weren't going to be able to go out on their date tomorrow...to me it just seems like he wants to have his cake & eat it too. He says he wants his wife back & he loves me so much & he wants us to be a family & raise our daughter together...BUT...you're holding on to this woman that you barely know & you're still looking around the dating website too. I know that I can do so much better than this man. I'm happy at my mom's house. I really don't want to deal with all his shenanigans. I'm willing to let him try because he says he's going to do the right thing this time, but should i even bother????
I'm not in love with my husband anymore. Frankly, I don't really like him because since I've figured out that he's a narcissist I see through all his BS now & it makes me sick. It's been easier to leave him than a "normal" marriage would be, I believe, because we weren't friends. I'm 33 years old & I actually enjoy living at home with my mother because I'm free to be myself & I don't have the anxiety I had at home.
1 month after we separated he started dating a woman he met on a dating site- he says they've been out 5 times & haven't had sex, only kissed. By the way, since we separated we've been intimate 2 times at the very beginning of the separation. He texts/calls me regularly asking me to come over to have sex, but I say no because I'm not interested in that at all because I know he's just using me. He's told me numerous times since we split up, and since he's been dating this woman, that he wants me back & he'll do anything to get me back. But he hasn't done anything to show me he's serious. He's taking HER out on dates and NOT his WIFE.
For the past few days he's talked to me again about us getting back together. I asked him what he was going to do about the woman he's dating. He said he'd let this woman go completely if he knew that I was serious about us possibly getting back together. After thinking about it for a number of days, I told him that I would consider us getting back together again, but he'd have to make the effort to take me out, woo me, talk to me, open up to me about himself, etc. There would be no spending the night all the time, I'm not moving back in & I'm not going over there just to have sex with him (he's going to have to earn that from me).
Later in the night we talked & I asked if he had told her that we were going to try to work things out. He said that he had texted her & told her that they weren't going to be able to go out on their date tomorrow...to me it just seems like he wants to have his cake & eat it too. He says he wants his wife back & he loves me so much & he wants us to be a family & raise our daughter together...BUT...you're holding on to this woman that you barely know & you're still looking around the dating website too. I know that I can do so much better than this man. I'm happy at my mom's house. I really don't want to deal with all his shenanigans. I'm willing to let him try because he says he's going to do the right thing this time, but should i even bother????
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Hall Pass for Wife
Hello,
My wife and I got together when we were pretty young, I was ~19 and she ~17. We've been together for about 11 years, married for 6, and we have a lovely 1 year old daughter. Our marriage is good, great in fact. She's gorgeous, we're a perfect match for each, our daughter is the best thing ever...I just feel very lucky for the life we have.
Here's the thing -- we got together early in life and have been monogamous ever since. Neither of us was very sexually experienced when it happened. Being a few years older than her, I at least had a chance to sleep with a few women before we got together, but she was a virgin. Recently she's been having a sort of mid-life crisis. She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes a few years after we got together (has had it for 7-8 years now) and while I don't believe she is at her half-way point in life, she fears that she is. It's been making her think about the things she hasn't done, and may never be able to do in this life.
We have a very honest and trusting marriage. She has told me that one of those things is knowing what it's like to sleep with someone else. I know she wouldn't go out and sleep with someone behind my back, but that being said, I don't want her to live (and eventually die) having regrets like that...especially one's that have to do with our relationship. We know we were lucky to find each other, and in a lot a ways lucky to have done it so early in life, but I don't want her to wonder if it happened too early, you know?
Today, I began thinking about the possibility of giving her a pass to sleep with someone else. I want her to be happy more than anything, and while part of me thinks it might be a mistake, another part of me thinks that this is exactly the reason why we are right for each other. I consider myself a pretty evolved person. I honestly think that I could be okay with doing this so long as we approach it the right way, have certain rules in place, etc. But I'm uncertain. I have doubts, fears. What if she does it and starts to cheat because she liked it a little too much? What if she does it, doesn't like it, and is left with nothing but a guilt that never goes away (she's that type of person)? What if she does it and I start to resent her? Would doing something like this ruin our relationship or reassert just how special and amazing it is?
If you've done this, tell me your story. Do you have any advice? What would be some good rules to have? What's a good way to approach it?
My wife and I got together when we were pretty young, I was ~19 and she ~17. We've been together for about 11 years, married for 6, and we have a lovely 1 year old daughter. Our marriage is good, great in fact. She's gorgeous, we're a perfect match for each, our daughter is the best thing ever...I just feel very lucky for the life we have.
Here's the thing -- we got together early in life and have been monogamous ever since. Neither of us was very sexually experienced when it happened. Being a few years older than her, I at least had a chance to sleep with a few women before we got together, but she was a virgin. Recently she's been having a sort of mid-life crisis. She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes a few years after we got together (has had it for 7-8 years now) and while I don't believe she is at her half-way point in life, she fears that she is. It's been making her think about the things she hasn't done, and may never be able to do in this life.
We have a very honest and trusting marriage. She has told me that one of those things is knowing what it's like to sleep with someone else. I know she wouldn't go out and sleep with someone behind my back, but that being said, I don't want her to live (and eventually die) having regrets like that...especially one's that have to do with our relationship. We know we were lucky to find each other, and in a lot a ways lucky to have done it so early in life, but I don't want her to wonder if it happened too early, you know?
Today, I began thinking about the possibility of giving her a pass to sleep with someone else. I want her to be happy more than anything, and while part of me thinks it might be a mistake, another part of me thinks that this is exactly the reason why we are right for each other. I consider myself a pretty evolved person. I honestly think that I could be okay with doing this so long as we approach it the right way, have certain rules in place, etc. But I'm uncertain. I have doubts, fears. What if she does it and starts to cheat because she liked it a little too much? What if she does it, doesn't like it, and is left with nothing but a guilt that never goes away (she's that type of person)? What if she does it and I start to resent her? Would doing something like this ruin our relationship or reassert just how special and amazing it is?
If you've done this, tell me your story. Do you have any advice? What would be some good rules to have? What's a good way to approach it?
Put the internet to work for you.
Hello from Yorkshire
I just got a notification at the top of my screen that I need to add an introduction post even though I've been posting here a while, so . . .
My name is Somanylemons but you can call me Lemons if you wish. :grin2:
I'm a SAHM with one husband and one son. I'm a proud Yorkshire women.
I find marriage and relationships a fascinating topic. As a hobby I like to learn about the married lives of women in different centuries.
Nice to meet you all.
My name is Somanylemons but you can call me Lemons if you wish. :grin2:
I'm a SAHM with one husband and one son. I'm a proud Yorkshire women.
I find marriage and relationships a fascinating topic. As a hobby I like to learn about the married lives of women in different centuries.
Nice to meet you all.
Put the internet to work for you.
Female "orgasm" vs. ORGASM!?
OK Thanks to an interesting discussion with my wife-to-be I'm now OCD about this subject.
My GF of two years is I think very orgasmic. I mean she is multi-orgasmic always from PIV sex not requiring any foreplay at all (i do a lot of foreplay but it is not mandatory). Also, she usually starts having "orgasms" a minute or two into the session EVERY time we have sex.
Oral used to be more of an "appetizer" rather than a main course but then about about a year ago she started relaxing more during oral and I began exploring and finding just how she likes it. One day last summer during oral, she absolutely exploded in orgasm shaking uncontrollably and the O's were multiple and increasing in intensity and duration (minutes not seconds) until she jut couldn't take it any more. I really never saw anything like it before.
Anyway we mixed that into the rotation for the past year or so.
Lately we haven't had a lot of alone time together so we have had to sneak in quickies for the past couple of weeks but we still had sex at least every other day.
Last night she says with a big grin on her face "tomorrow we will have a few hours of alone time. you know what I want!!!" and I was like "yeah sure of course I'll "do" ya!!". Then she responds "I mean I want and orgasm this time". I was like "heyyy! wtf? you been faking it now?". And she says "hell no!! Never! just that thing you do is so amazing" I was like "OK so you have different orgasms depending on how we do it?" she says no she "cums from PIV sex" and "orgasms when we do that other thing".
So I say "OK what about doggystyle? You scream loud when I do you from behind." and she says "Oh yeah that's awesome! you hit a spot when you do that! yeah!"
Then she says I was the only guy to ever give her an orgasm. I said "reallyy?! wow! you never cummed before?! OMG" and she was like "oh yeah i cummed a lot just never orgasmed"
She spent the next half hour or so trying to explain the different sensations and intensity vs. position (missionary, doggy, reverse cowgirl etc...). I still don't get it.
I"M SOOOOO CONFUSED!!!!!! Does any of this make sense to you ladies?
My GF of two years is I think very orgasmic. I mean she is multi-orgasmic always from PIV sex not requiring any foreplay at all (i do a lot of foreplay but it is not mandatory). Also, she usually starts having "orgasms" a minute or two into the session EVERY time we have sex.
Oral used to be more of an "appetizer" rather than a main course but then about about a year ago she started relaxing more during oral and I began exploring and finding just how she likes it. One day last summer during oral, she absolutely exploded in orgasm shaking uncontrollably and the O's were multiple and increasing in intensity and duration (minutes not seconds) until she jut couldn't take it any more. I really never saw anything like it before.
Anyway we mixed that into the rotation for the past year or so.
Lately we haven't had a lot of alone time together so we have had to sneak in quickies for the past couple of weeks but we still had sex at least every other day.
Last night she says with a big grin on her face "tomorrow we will have a few hours of alone time. you know what I want!!!" and I was like "yeah sure of course I'll "do" ya!!". Then she responds "I mean I want and orgasm this time". I was like "heyyy! wtf? you been faking it now?". And she says "hell no!! Never! just that thing you do is so amazing" I was like "OK so you have different orgasms depending on how we do it?" she says no she "cums from PIV sex" and "orgasms when we do that other thing".
So I say "OK what about doggystyle? You scream loud when I do you from behind." and she says "Oh yeah that's awesome! you hit a spot when you do that! yeah!"
Then she says I was the only guy to ever give her an orgasm. I said "reallyy?! wow! you never cummed before?! OMG" and she was like "oh yeah i cummed a lot just never orgasmed"
She spent the next half hour or so trying to explain the different sensations and intensity vs. position (missionary, doggy, reverse cowgirl etc...). I still don't get it.
I"M SOOOOO CONFUSED!!!!!! Does any of this make sense to you ladies?
Put the internet to work for you.
Worried he's cheating :(
I need some advice. I've been cheated on in past relationships and now am worried that my husband may be cheating. He's just been distant and I felt like something was off. I looked through his cell phone while he was sleeping, which I have never done before. I found out that he has been calling this girl every day for the past few weeks. I know her since we live in a small town and she knows that he is married and has two kids. She has recently divorced and also has one child. She sent him a text asking him to have a drink with her, which was later deleted from his phone. Sometimes she calls him, but most of the time its outgoing calls to her usually once a day or every other day. I don't know what to do, we've been married for 10 years and I would be heartbroken if he was cheating one me. I just need some advice. Should I confront him? How? What reasons will I give for looking through his phone? I have no other evidence of suspicious behavious besides t he calls he's been making to her...I just don't know what to do...
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Is Being A Gentlemen/Chivalrous Dead, and if so, is that a good thing?
This topic was brought up briefly in another thread, the concept that chivalry was dead, or should be dead (reference was made to an article published by a feminist on this topic) . The idea was that chivalry was archaic, a system that was followed because the belief was women were weak (or really anyone who you directed chivalrous actions towards, you did so because you believed they were weak). Translate that to today, things such as holding a door open for a female and paying for dinner (things I would consider being a gentlemen), well, unless you would do that for everyone you are not treating her as an equal, you are treating her as someone weak, and that is unacceptable.
I read a separate article talking about the same topic, but from the viewpoint of a man. He believed chivalry was dead simply because women were not demanding it from men, they were making it too easy for men to reach the "end goal" with minimal effort. He argued that women should in fact demand more from men, otherwise what incentive do they have if everything was just handed out to them on a plate.
And talk about perfect timing as I was thinking about this, driving to work this morning and the usual relationship/blown off segment came on the radio. Guy went out on a date, thought it went great, but never heard back from the female. The radio station called the female, and she blasted the guy for you guessed it, not doing the chivalry/gentlemen things. When he went to pick up her for the date, he just honked the horn instead of going to the front door to get her. He didn't get the car door for her. He didn't hold the door open for her at the restaurant. They had to stop to get gas, and as he got to the pump he got a business call he needed to take, so he asked her if she could pump the gas. His response was that he was treating her as an equal (he did actually say this), how he would treat anyone else, and that pissed her off (so much so that even though she said he was great looking and they had a great time, she wanted nothing to do with him after the date was over). < br>
Add to it the age old debate about why do a-holes get the girls, and it is no wonder guys' heads are spinning. There are so many messages out there, whether first hand or via the media, that are contradictory. It would seem to me the safest bet nowadays, minimize the gentlemen acts and adopt more of an a-hole attitude. In the long run this may lead to a very un-fulfilling life, but in the short run seems like you will get the most bang for your buck ... Play your cards right, you could even walk away with a shiny new STD, yikes (Tinder and hookup apps blamed for rise in STDs - May. 26, 2015)
For me personally, this doesn't affect me since unless something goes terribly wrong, I won't have to worry about dating. However, as someone who does have two young boys, I do wonder what they will be walking in to once they are old enough to date. I will hopefully pass on to them to be gentleman, and if somehow this offends a female, well, kick her to the curb and move on. I have to believe there are still women out there who appreciate these qualities in a guy (maybe they are just not vocal about it since they will probably be met with resistance as if they are setting back the whole female species 50 years).
To clarify as well, this is not meant to in any way be a bash against women. I am quite fond of women, love/adore my wife, she is my equal, etc... This is just meant to be a discussion on what appears to be a very mixed message these days going out to guys on how they are supposed to (or not supposed to) act.
I have a feeling this should make for an interesting conversation here :grin2: :redcard::FIREdevil::2gunsfiring_v1::woohoo:
I read a separate article talking about the same topic, but from the viewpoint of a man. He believed chivalry was dead simply because women were not demanding it from men, they were making it too easy for men to reach the "end goal" with minimal effort. He argued that women should in fact demand more from men, otherwise what incentive do they have if everything was just handed out to them on a plate.
And talk about perfect timing as I was thinking about this, driving to work this morning and the usual relationship/blown off segment came on the radio. Guy went out on a date, thought it went great, but never heard back from the female. The radio station called the female, and she blasted the guy for you guessed it, not doing the chivalry/gentlemen things. When he went to pick up her for the date, he just honked the horn instead of going to the front door to get her. He didn't get the car door for her. He didn't hold the door open for her at the restaurant. They had to stop to get gas, and as he got to the pump he got a business call he needed to take, so he asked her if she could pump the gas. His response was that he was treating her as an equal (he did actually say this), how he would treat anyone else, and that pissed her off (so much so that even though she said he was great looking and they had a great time, she wanted nothing to do with him after the date was over). < br>
Add to it the age old debate about why do a-holes get the girls, and it is no wonder guys' heads are spinning. There are so many messages out there, whether first hand or via the media, that are contradictory. It would seem to me the safest bet nowadays, minimize the gentlemen acts and adopt more of an a-hole attitude. In the long run this may lead to a very un-fulfilling life, but in the short run seems like you will get the most bang for your buck ... Play your cards right, you could even walk away with a shiny new STD, yikes (Tinder and hookup apps blamed for rise in STDs - May. 26, 2015)
For me personally, this doesn't affect me since unless something goes terribly wrong, I won't have to worry about dating. However, as someone who does have two young boys, I do wonder what they will be walking in to once they are old enough to date. I will hopefully pass on to them to be gentleman, and if somehow this offends a female, well, kick her to the curb and move on. I have to believe there are still women out there who appreciate these qualities in a guy (maybe they are just not vocal about it since they will probably be met with resistance as if they are setting back the whole female species 50 years).
To clarify as well, this is not meant to in any way be a bash against women. I am quite fond of women, love/adore my wife, she is my equal, etc... This is just meant to be a discussion on what appears to be a very mixed message these days going out to guys on how they are supposed to (or not supposed to) act.
I have a feeling this should make for an interesting conversation here :grin2: :redcard::FIREdevil::2gunsfiring_v1::woohoo:
Put the internet to work for you.
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