| I have been miserable in my marriage for years. I have only been married to my husband for four years and I don't want to do it anymore. I sound like a child throwing a tantrum, but I just think that this is never going to get better. I feel lied to, cheated and he has taken from me the only thing in the world he had no right to, The ability to become a mother. I am 38 and I have no hopes of becoming a mom now. He has always had some excuse as to why we can't have children, mostly financial. I make very good money on my own. He had a good job, and unfortunately his past caught up to him and he went back to his former life of drugs and wanting to be out on the street making money.
When we met, he was working as a counselor helping people get their lives together. He was going to church and was working towards getting his bachelors. He did reveal his past to me as a former addict, and that may have been my first mistake. I saw who is was when I met him, not who he was before. It went against what I believed in. Once and addict or criminal, always an addict or criminal. I gave him a chance because of his determination to succeed.
But that was my mistake. We argued a lot over anything and everything. But especially about starting a family. I had to go as far as going through the bible and giving him a three page list of verses condemning him for preventing conception. We never had sex without condoms, even after getting married. We stopped having sex two years ago. I cannot get myself to even kiss him on the lips, much less get intimate.
A year ago, he relapsed. After all the problems we were having, and the constant fighting, I thought it was finally my way out. But because of my religious beliefs, and pressure from the ladies I sought advice from, I stuck by him. I worried and called and searched for him. I even showed up at his men's bible group to beg for help in getting him home. But after three months, I wanted out, and I decided to leave him and get a place of my own. I did find a place and was close to getting a lease. He was in the hospital doing detox, and was supposed to go into rehab for 90 days and that was enough time for me to run away from him and never see him again. He did not go to rehab, and I was stuck. I lost all my savings and my 401k through all this. I was forced to pay rent on our apartment all on my own, and the car payments, credit cards and every expense by myself. And on top of that, the deposit on the new place, moving expenses, etc.
Now... to add to the mix, his mother is very sick. She does not have very much longer to live, so I feel like i'm evil for wanting to leave him now. He was never there when I was going through my mother's cancer and death, so I take it out on his mother too. I feel awful leaving him now that his mom will be dead soon.
So, now I am here, miserable. I am depressed and constantly wishing I could leave.
Do I just pick up and go? Is there a good time to leave? I have been trying to save up, but honestly, through all this mayhem, my credit has been shot and I cannot afford to make a large deposit. My lease is up in October. I am thinking that I will just go then. I need help.. or more so, someone to tell me that it is ok to feel like this. |
