really?

After threatening to return to the home because he "misses his home and property ", he returned today, with all his sh*t. I emailed my atty who in turn email HIS atty and said she is requesting a court hearing ASAP to stop him from being at the house… holy crapola, I need to know how to react since he is here…well maybe not at the moment, cuz I'm thintkng he is with the puken at the moment… FYI, he wants to know if I want to "get back together"…WHAT??????? My daughter can't figure out why he is contacting her requesting contact with him. He says that he "knows her opinion "may be altered",…NOPE, she feels about hime what SHE feels….and his clue would be????

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Postcards from Idiots

Apparently it's just easier to write a meme postcard anonymously on the internet than face reality.

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When to go back into dating?

Any theories on the right time for a guy to start dating after a failed marriage?

• As soon as Divorce is a assured and R is out of the question?
  
• Wait for divorce?
  
• Sex months After Divorce or formal separation?
  
• Is it different for women?

I would like to go on some social dates ASAP, but can't see getting serious until I am sure I am not on the rebound. Would hate to screw up something good because my head was not straight.

Any stories of early dating that went bad, or good?

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Alternative Relationships and Marriages

I don't know if this will be a good thread or not and have debated sharing this here but finally decided to go ahead with it. This forum is fairly mainstream (and IMO conservative to a point) so that's why I hesitated but eh, here goes.

After over a decade of difficult issues with my husband we have finally separated. At first I did not know what the outcome of this would be.

We are madly in love, have a wonderful sex life, we respect and cherish each other...but we have always had some key issues we couldn't work out. These issues aren't a big deal compared to many marriages, but they are apparently not going to be resolved. We finally had to face this...yet we don't really want to split up. He is the love of my life, that part hasn't changed at all.

When we came to a crossroad and decided to separate, it was really scary. I didn't know if either of us might decide to just end it instead. But what happened was actually quite incredible...

We found that our main problem has really only been living together. We don't have kids in the home anymore, just the two of us, and our basic household style of living just never meshed well. This was the source of all of our unresolveable issues. When we took the living together part of it away, everything immediately got better.

We don't fight anymore, there's nothing to fight about. Our finances are separated, and even though that wasn't a big source of fights, it does help us each to be in full control of our own money and not have to worry what the other is doing. We are easily able to afford two households.

We really should have just kept both of our homes when we got together but like most people, we wanted to live together and merge. For us, that was the worst thing we could have done. We had no way of knowing that until we did it. Now we know better. Getting married was wonderful...moving in together was a disaster.

So at this time, we plan to have a loving, committed but separated marriage. I don't want anyone else, he doesn't either. We date each other and treat each other as guests in our respective homes. We will still vacation together, make investments together, and have each other as our heir in case of death and on life insurance policies.

Another issue coming up is that my mother is going to need some living assistance from me soon...she isn't there yet but it is right around the corner. So the plan right now is that I'm getting ready to sell my house and my mother and I will buy something together. My husband will buy a separate property nearby...or we may find a triplex or something that can accommodate all of us yet give us separate residences.

I know it is conventional wisdom that most separations lead to divorce. I think in our case it is different because neither of us were secretly trying to "get space" just to have more freedom and screw around or something like that. It truly was just that we realized we don't enjoy living together, even though we enjoy being married and committed.

I know there are a few alternative marriage models, usually having to do with the sex side of things: poly, open marriages, swinging, etc. I have actually been poly in the past and my husband has also been in alternative relationships before we met. Those models of marriage are great for some people, too. I really think we all need to rethink the marriage thing. Does it always have to look the same? What if you just aren't happy together in the traditional model but would be in some modified model?

This will sound immature, but the bottom line is that I never again want to fight over whose turn it is to clean the bathroom. I'll clean mine and he can clean his.

I love him so much and I'm so glad this is working out for us. There may be a time in the future when we live together again but for now, it is just like having the best boyfriend in the world and I do not want to live with him.

I think others could benefit from this model as well as some of the other alternative models. And I say this even though I have no moral dilemma with divorce. I think people should not be stigmatized for getting divorced, it is both a risk and an option for everyone. Alternative models may be a good option to avoid divorce for a lot of people though, and more and more are trying it.

This was a good article on this topic:

http://ift.tt/1K0PT5H

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This advertisement is grossing me out!

Is there a way to block certain ads? Omg, the "these four things predict a heart attack" (or something like that) ads seriously make me want to throw up--the photos that are with them. I have to click off the page immediately they are so gross to me. I don't even know what the photos are even of, but they are disturbing and I'm not going to click on the link to find out!

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You call this a marriage?

My wife and I have been having a few minor issues for awhile now. She is 38 and I am 40. We have been married for 16 years and have 4 kids together. We had a talk a few nights ago about the state of our marriage. Sex inevitably came up. She mentioned that if she never had sex again, she would be ok with that. She says she gets nothing from sex....it's simply a physical act. It just isn't that important to her. My wife says there's more to a relationship than sex and asked me what would we do if one of us was no longer able to be intimate. Would our marriage fall apart? Would we stop loving each other? My question to the forum members is can a marriage survive, let alone thrive, without sex? The future of my marriage seems pretty bleak. She says she loves me and does not want a separation, open marriage, etc. I'm beginning to think she is asexual. She admitted she gives me sex only because she knows it is a need of mine. According to he r, all I think about is sex. Sex is like air, you don't think much of it until you're not getting any.

Any advise or suggestions would be appreciated.

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Another Question about VARs

I have read Weightlifter's "Standard Evidence" post. I bought two Sony VARs and am in the process of testing them out, using in my own car, etc., to get familiar with the device.

Here's my question though: the VAR, even in "Voice Operated Recording" mode, seems to be constantly recording because of the background noise of the car itself. It picks up my own voice (I kept doing "testing, testing"), but when the car is on it is also just recording the engine and motion sounds.

Is this to be expected? So if/when I place it for real, I should just expect to get recording of driving as well as any conversations I may hear?

Thanks in advance to the experts on here for the advice.

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Found out my dad is sleeping with prostitutes - my mom doesn't know

My dad isn't great with technology, and asks me to set his alarm on his phone sometimes or text one of his employees.

Anyways, while doing so, the word "escort" in one of his texts caught my eye. One of his coworkers gave him the link as my father asked. He's been working away from home these past few weeks, and the link was specifically for escorts in that area. I checked his browser history hoping it wasn't true, but the evidence was all there - his history consisted of him browsing a list of escorts in that area. Definitely not one of those pop ups. At first, I just hoped he was curious and let it slide. Then today, he came back from work again, and I couldn't help myself as I was PRAYING that it was a one time thing and he didn't act on it. Nope. Texts, browsing history, and I even checked his call log to see if any numbers matched those of the escorts on the site. Indeed they did. I feel heartbroken right now, and feel like I'm carrying one of the most heartwrenching secrets right now.

I'm 19 years old, and my mother has been a bit suspecting recently. When he's come home, she tells him "you seem a bit too happy" as if she suspects it but has no proof. Last week my father asked my mom to buy new underwear (LOL), and my mom came up to me jokingly saying "hmmm, a bit odd that he's asking this when he's away from home for work". The funny thing is, when my dad came home today from his job he was acting all loving towards my mom, more than usual...to the point where they slowdanced in the kitchen. I watched for a few seconds awkwardly, not knowing what to feel but disgust.

She has no idea it's true. I know this for a fact, and I know if I told her this, she would be HEARTBROKEN. She's depressed as it is because my sister and I are both moving to Europe for university this summer for 3 years and she goes on about how she'll be all alone as my father is constantly working.

I can't bring myself to tell her, and I love my dad, but confronting him about this would be WAY too awkward and he would just deny it calling me silly.

One of my mother's close friends' husband cheated on her, and I remember my mom going on about how if my father ever cheated on her, she would leave him the moment she found out.

I don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted, and I don't want to tell my sister about it as I don't want to get her involved. She's only two years younger than me, but I don't want her thinking any less of my dad like I do (I can't help it).

I'm so scared. Like I said, my mother has been through bouts of depression recently, and in the past has been suicidal. I'm SO afraid at what something like this will do to her mental state. I can't deal with this burden, but I also don't want to be the person my dad resents or my mother for giving her the news.

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It affects everything - even summer reading books

Long story short: long time ago caught ex fiancee cheating, moved on, etc. Even though its pointless comparing, on the grand scale, I got lucky compared to threads here.

Anyway, I'm a huge fan of one particular fiction author. Infidelity has featured prominently in several books he has previously written, but I've done okay with. Actually enjoyed. So his new book came out last Tuesday, and I started reading the first few chapters...Sure enough, the main character is the narrator and he alludes to problems with his wife...

So I skip to the end. Sure enough, the character's wife, another character I enjoyed, ends up in an affair with her boss, marriage implodes, blah blah.

I've been waiting for this book for so long, and no I have lost the desire to read it...I'm going to finish it, but the affair, even fictional,frustrated me. I'm not even 5 chapters deep...

I'm a million times better now than before, but damn this stuff still gets ya...

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What was your mother like?

I mentioned in the blue pill thread that I wanted to create a new thread about this topic after marduk had shared some enlightening stuff about his own mother and how that shaped his views on life, which was fascinating. It helps us to know where someone is coming from to hear stories like this.

My mom is an awesomely powerful little pixie and I respect her greatly. She was a true egalitarian and gave me a world view based on that and I appreciate it every day of my life.

How did your mother's attitude and personality shape your life?

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S/O afriad of phone.... ????

I slept awful last night. Its happened a few times before...a pit in my stomach that wont go away. Here's how it got there...

(First though, the details of the story are less important than how and what is happening, this is just the most recent example)...

Last night about 9-ish S/O shoots me a txt msg: "hi, how was your day...". We banter back and forth for 10 minutes or so. Nothing unusual . Just killing time, having an exchange since we cant see each other until tomorrow night (which is today, tonight).

Then, she says... "Jane* cut her knee, needs 8 stitches"

Now, I think I know who "Jane" is...a friend of her daughters....but not really sure...(Jane is 11 y/o friend of SO's daughter, btw).

I said something about that being sad...you know kids got hurt...etc. and go onto talk about what we were taling about.

SO says "Rhonda and I are looking after her", her parents are out of town.

So I ask back... "Where are you, Jane's place or (your) home?
SO: "home"

ME: I thought yo were watching Jane?

SO: Her parents are home.

ME: I though you said the were out of town.

SO: They are out of town tomorrow afternoon to Sunday afternoon. Ronda and I are taking tuns watching her while her parents are away.


Now, I've left out a lot to cut to it. Took about 40 minutes to get this information across. Once again, I start to see a pattern, one I know you cant see because I'm abbreviating a situation. Here's the deal

In a roundabout , backwards way, I have just been "told" that SO is going to be busy and not able to get together Saturday night as we had planned. I've had to piece the information together from statements and indirect date references, and as I do I can feel the pit in my stomach starting, the disappointment setting in. I'm realizing through what I can "reverese engineering" that watching the the friends kids is going to have to happen Saturday night, when the parents are out of town. But, once again SO doesnt bother to tell me straight out. It dawns on me whats happening and I then txt her... "Ahhh, I see, I get it." and then right after.. "I get it"

This was about 9:40pm.


WHat followed next was absolute insanity. As I tried to clarify what I just figured out - I started to get all kinds of push back... thinkgs Like "I would think you'd understand..." referring to having two kids of my own....

I see the txts are following a line of opinion that couldnt be further from the truth so I said , "Im calling"....meaning using the phone. We rarely use the phone.


She doesn't pick up. In fact I called 3 times. I gave ample notice each time that I was going to attempt calling, so that if she wa in a different room she could get to the phone. She was within 15' of it. Never picked up the phone.

I said "please" even. Several times. At one point she said "Phone is unplugged"... basically so I wouldnt ask anymore.

So, I was getting worked up...now not over the original issue of have to reverse engineer the original issue, but now that she wouldnt...was refusing to pick up the phone. I told her that we could have cleared this entire miscommunication up by 9:45 has she just picked up the phone. I explained how I felt... and on and on it went.

Her txt message package ran out at 12:07AM, and she said to wrap up shed have to hope on Facebook messenger.

All this time I'm puling what little hair I have out...all because she wouldnt pick up the phone.

Now, the situation with the little girl who cut herself badly is terrible, and I'm a dad too, and compassionate. I'm not taking anything away from that unfortunate situation. That isnt even this issue,although there were a couple times when SO tried to make it one. At no time was that ever the issue.

SO said (and has said before many times) "I'm better in person" and "I hate phones", to which I responded "This needs some clarity right away, not the next time we are able to get together... whether thats tomorrow or 5 days from now. This needs addressing right away...

I am dumbfounded but her outright refusal to pick up the phone. She even said that "she was ok with talking about it next time we got together.... that she was OK"...and " :-) "

She tried a couple times switching the conversation to "neighbours are having a bonfire", and " its starting to rain"

I told her that what was happening at the neighbours wasnt really a concern to me at the moment, and I also told her I had the same weather app.

Later, after 12:30 she said something about dragging this issue out. I told her again that it wouldnt have been dragged out if she just had picked up the phone....

I woke up shortly before 5AM, uncomfortable and not well rested. Pit in my stomach still there.

One of the may lofty things we discussed when we stated dating 18 months ago was how important communication is, honesty, trust respect. Somewhere the wheels came of this communication bus. And, its not my doing. She may say she's ok, but I most certainly was, and am not.

SO at some point said its looking about 50/50 whether shes going to come over here tonight (becuse its dependant on whether the you child needs to be watched in her own home or is going to be able to be moved to another friends home). THe 50/50 odds aren't really making me feel any better...What I'm supposed to get all excited about the possibility of seeing her, only to be dashed again?

I even said to her..."where is this love you profess"... I was referring to the adamant stance she was taking against answering phone. (She tells me she hates the phone..I told her I've seen her use it quite effectively on many occasions. She said to that "yes, but not under duress"

To me, the whole conversation from the get-go at 9PM was a game...a challenge for her. I called her out asked her why she was playing games... her answer was "I'm not....." and then she went on to address another point and we never got back to it.

I'm feeling disappointed over the original backing out of our date, but I would have been better with it, even understanding of it if she had just come straight out and said what the deal was, instead of making me figure it out. I HATE that. And, I have told her this before....actually this isnt the first time I've had to reverse engineer a message.

In fact at one point just around 9:40 last nice She said to me " You get it that tomorrow is Saturday, or do you get it -referring to something else?" She KNEW what she was doing.

Man, am I steamed right now. I cant begin to explain it.

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What would you forgive?

Do you think you could forgive a lap dance that included touching stripper's breasts?

Do you think you could forgive a one night stand?

Do you think you could forgive a short-term affair?

Do you think you could forgive a long-term affair?

If you said YES to any of these questions, please explain why. Also, let's add the factor that your spouse is extremely remorseful and you knew it would never happen again.

I am looking forward to seeing your responses. Thank you! :smile2:

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Deployments have broken up the family household

I am a retired military male. When I met my wife in 1999 we were both active duty. After we had our first child, I had to move to California but she soon followed after she got out of the Army. While I finished up the next 7 years to retire we talked briefly about her rejoining the military to finish up her time, 10 years. I was suggesting if anything, the Air Force or even the Coast Guard. When the time came for me to retire, the subject came up again but I wasn't for my wife rejoining the Army because I looked out at the big picture, deployments especially Army and Marine Corps.

Well bottomline, she's been back in the Army for 6 years now and is on her second deployment in 16 months. (see what I meant) Our kids are 9 and 15 and our son is a little withdrawn at times because of her absence. At times he dosen't want to communicate all his thoughts to me till after he skype with her from overseas. It hurts me because not only have I raised him from birth and always been here but the deployment stuff seems like it's hurting me emotionally also.

She seems to enjoy being gone and not having the responsibilities of being home and being the Mother of the household. Why do I say, because it seemed like such a drag for her to come home and cook because she may not like what I cook. But I try and who's doing all the cooking now, me!! She seems content to keep doing the deployment stuff and I don't know if this is what I want to keep doing, having my spouse continually going overseas. We've talked about it but she denies that her absence affects the kids emotionally. My daughter seems fine but my son misses her a lot and of course I do.

I definitely see the effects of not having a two parent home which is what we've always been. My hats off to single parents who do this on a regular basis. And to think there are many single parents right here at the base where we are stationed that do it all this time. If my wife were a true single parent with no one to depend on, I don't know if she would be so quick to want to go overseas.

I had a talk with her before she left about deployments and why I had my concerns. Funny thing is my son talks about joining the Air Force Academy but she's trying to stir him away and encouraging him to go to college. My wife didn't have to do this after being gone from the military for so long. I do what I can to support her and always ask how things are going and talk to her about her issues while over there. Sure would be nice if she asked me the same.

Maybe I'm just being selfish about the whole thing but I do know from the first deployment that I did not like not having my wife here to hold and to be passionate with. Just venting I guess! :smile2:

Sorry about the long post!

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Cannot feeling a romantic or physical attraction to your wife be fixed?

I suppose its best to give a bit of background... I've been married for almost 10 years (and been together for 13), with no children, and recently have begun to silently consider ending my marriage. As with any couple that has been together for so long we have had our ups and downs, but recently I have felt a complete disconnect with my wife, and I don't know if those issues can be fixed or how much longer I can keep up the appearance that everything is fine.


By my nature, I often avoid conflict, especially with my wife (because I feel like I can never win in a disagreement, and often feel worse for having brought it up). For years this has caused me just stomach my unhappiness about specific things and keep up the appearance of everything being great (happy wife, happy life thing I suppose). I've always known this was not the best coping mechanism, but it seemed to be working, so I kept doing it. Upon recent reflection I really realized how much doing this was affecting me. I became so adept at doing this that I could lie to myself about small issues, like it didn't bother me her clothes never made it into the laundry basket, as well as huge issues like I no longer have romantic or sexual feelings towards my wife. Only in the last few months have I truly been honest with myself, that I actually had these feelings. I attempted to reach out to her about our sexual divide (since the symptoms were easily visible), and while att empts have been made to bridge the gap, I don't think it would or could ever be enough.

That essentially brings me where I am today. If my wife were questioned about our marriage she would say that we are doing great, and aside from small speed bumps along the way that we couldn't be in a better place. I feel like I'm in a shell, not able to fully express myself.

The question of why can't I express myself is valid. Aside from my already mentioned not wanting to create conflict (which yes, I know, eventually fixing this one way or another will cause conflict), I don't know if these types of feelings can be fixed; I feel like once those feelings are truly expressed, they cannot be unsaid. I completely understand that our minor issues could (probably) be fixed with couples counseling, but I feel like I have lost the will to fight these bigger feelings... nor can i continue the way things are going. All of this is coupled with the fact that I do still love her (just in a different way. Like a family member), and I don't want to hurt her.

I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads, wondering which way to go, and since she seems to content and oblivious I find myself constantly asking myself "is this fair to her?" Does anybody find themselves asking a similar question, or does being fair have nothing to do with emotions?

I realize that ultimately the solution will include sitting down and speaking with her, but then does anybody have any advice on how to broach a topic like that with someone completely oblivious, or ways I can deal with these feelings on my own?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

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What's wrong with me?

Hey everyone,

Something has been on my mind for quite some time. I love life and the universe and while this doesn't make me sad, I still think about it from time to time and wonder if there is anything I can do to improve (although I realize we are all unique and perfectly imperfect).
I don't know what it is, but something about the way I carry myself seems to put women off.

At first I thought it was my posture and health so I've corrected that by staying on top of it, eating healthy and doing daily exercise. I've lost considerable weight and gained lots of muscle. I don't have a beer belly and almost have a 6 pack (excited!!). I'm 25, white (not that it matters), have hair, don't smoke, good job, own a house, great circle of friends, etc. I am a very nice guy, and I learned how to be more alpha and extrovert (which took some practice). I've gotten many dates and for the most part I am fortunate to have had a good sex life. I don't have any fear inside nor do I get anxious around women. I can hold solid eye contact. Sometimes I think it has to do with my height (5'5) and basic biology (dominance and natural selection) and other times I think it's because I lack empathy (trouble feeling sorry for others and being sympathetic). I love to laugh and smile a lot, but my default face expression is quite cold. I've started to hang with more women to try and get to know them and take dance lessons; ultimately increasing my yin energy.

I've gotten over the height thing and I don't have any self-pity. I know I am sexy and I've had women confirm it. Other times I think, well, I am pretty busy, maybe I give off an air of impatience? Don't know...

Then I thought well maybe it was the fact that I am kind of a goof or aloof, careless, quiet (introverted). I have lots of women friends who like these traits of mine, and I don't care what women think of me. Either they like it or don't, but I don't seek approval from them anymore (haven't in a long time).

I love women, but don't know why they treat me like **** or are usually not interested. By treat like ****, I mean ignore me completely when I ask a question or talk. I don't act negatively when that happens and give off the napoleon complex. She's not interested, fine. I am not going to waste my time on someone like that.

I often feel like the universe is telling me I have a higher purpose and is deliberately ****blocking me to make more time for my dreams and goals. Lol. Perhaps it's the competitive environment too. There are lots of beautiful men around here. I don't know.

I've walked past so many women who I notice do a quick scan of me then look away with a little disgust. It's not judgement or perception. I know what I see. It's pretty obvious. I have good hygiene and wear nice, fitting clothes, so I don't understand. Even when I talk to women in a non-flirtatious way, either with friends or at work, they seem to scurry as if they feel unsafe around me.

Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I grew up watching porn. I don't feel guilt or shame from it, but perhaps I objectify more then I believe I do and women can tell. Not like I am a creep, look desperate and peep every two seconds, but yeah, I feel like something about how I carry myself turns a lot of women off instantly.

Anyways, it seems the only women interested in me are unhealthy in some way or bbw. I believe in the laws of attraction, but you know I really don't have much negativity inside of me. I always try and view the world through the lens of love and avoid judging whenever possible. I used to think it was the girls in my city, but that's not fair. Maybe it's more of a rant then a question. Regardless, thank you for reading.

So ladies, what do you think? Any ideas? Why do I always get the cold shoulder. Despite everything I have said above, I really don't try hard and for the most part just go with the flow of life. I know everyone has their own opinions and perceptions and I can't get every woman to like me (that's ok, i'm cool with that), I'd like to make sure there is something I am not doing that could in fact be a simple answer.

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Vitex agnus-castus

So I've been browsing in regards to methods of reducing the male sex drive recently, and found an article here:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive - The People's Pharmacy

And several others mentioning vitex agnus castus (also known as the "monk's pepper") as a natural herb used historically by monks to aid their celibacy.

Chaste Tree Uses, Benefits & Dosage - Drugs.com Herbal Database
chasteberry: Uses, Side Effects, Interactions and Warnings - WebMD

So far its the best lead, has anyone tried it or something similar?

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So I screwed up- what now

So I have mightily screwed up. I have hurt my wife severely and am now lost with how to proceed, and what to do.

The backstory:
Mid 30s. Married nearly 13 years. 2 kids under 8. No issues ever. No serious fights, some bickering. Lots of respect. Good love life. I do as much as I can when I work.

The entire story:

I was sent to NYC for business for 6 weeks. The first two weeks were very rough. I was depressed being away from my family. My wife encouraged me to make new friends. So one night I was at the sports bar to watch a game, and randomly met someone ( a girl) that knew someone I knew in passing back home from several years ago. That girl was a bit crazy and out there, but one of the friends she was with and I started talking.

We became quick friends. She knew I was married, kids, happy etc. I was just looking for a friend in a new place. She had just broken up with her long term relationship, her roomate/best friend just told her she was never really a friend and she was also in a place where she just needed someone to talk to. All extremely innocent. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night.

I told my wife about her, and even told her I had offered to help her move a futon to her apartment with her landlord. Anyways, me and this girl started texting. Mostly about our own lives. Me about how great my wife is. Our marriage. Our kids. My work. She about her relationships, family, background etc. From the beginning there was nothing flirtatious or sexual. The girl at first asked me if I was allowed to have friends that were girls. As a guy that seemed ridiculous. Of course I could have friends that are girls. I have friends that are girls at home. My wife knows about them all, how is this any different.

I helped her with the futon. We continued to text now several times a day. Still friendly banter or me giving my opinion on her abusive alcoholic ex who she was still seeing. Lines were clearly defined from the beginning and we were comfortable just to have someone new to talk to, and new perspectives.

I met her and her friends at a bar for an hour one night, and again all friendly. Nothing flirtatious. Was trying to hook her up with a new guy, and then eventually helping her sway off another suitor. This carried on. All via text. Had seen her now three total times. She after 4 weeks convinced me to try hot yoga with her for a free class. I went. Still nothing flirtatious or sexual in nature. Just friendly banter. This girl kept telling me how great my wife was, and how she wanted to meet her if she came out to visit.

I actually found myself believing that talking to this new friend was strengthening my own relationship with my wife. I would brag constantly. I'd feel so lucky I had my wife in my life. I couldn't wait to get home.

I was now easily surpassing 50 messages a day of mindless texting.
Told my wife about the couple of times I saw, and about the hot yoga. In my mind I was doing everything right, not hiding anything. Unfortunately at week 5 I was to be extended 2 more weeks for 8 total weeks. I was super bummed, but still excited to get to fly home for the long weekend with wife and kids. Dreading the return flight back to NYC.

Finally after 6 weeks of missing my wife like crazy, I flew home. It was a great late night with my wife. A great morning getting the kids ready for school, and back into the routine. I talked to my wife a bit more about this new friend. However, I continued with the texting of this new friend. I didn't think anything of it. When I was with my wife and kids, my focus was solely on them, and when they were off doing something, I found myself texting this girl telling her what I was doing with the family, and just continuing the friendly banter.

Well, later that night as I was in the shower my wife came in angrier than I've ever seen her. She had checked my phone and was beyond mad that I could be texting with someone so much. It was at that moment I knew I had F-ed up royally.

We stayed up all night. Her being angry me telling her she was absolutely right. I answered all her questions- what did we talk about, why was I talking to her, what was aI getting out of it, etc. as honestly as I could. This stung. Basically I had realized I was teetering on I guess what could be described as an emotional affair.

She sent the girl a text telling her how mad she was. Very well written. My friend responded to her apologizing profusely, and singing my wife's praises. Hopefully that reassured my wife nothing beyond what I say happened, but unfortunately I can't even prove what I say.

In addition to the 100 texts from the day she had read, I had gotten into the habit at the beginning of the trip to just delete the days messages I didn't need from anyone who wasn't important when I left work. That included her messages. Why was I deleting messages that weren't suspicious. Makes it look even far worse. The weekend was rough. I tried to be there for her. I gave up my phone all weekend, so she could she I didn't care about anything other than her. Telling her I understand her anger and frustration. We sat together and she had me read the messages between herself and the new friend. It ended with her saying the friendship was over. I agreed with her, and sat with her and deleted all contacts and messages from my phone.

Anyways, my wife is devastated. How could I do such a thing. She was so mad that she was so easy going and allowed me to have a friend, and that how could I love her and miss her so much, yet be texting another girl the day I got back so much. She had a tough time being alone while I was gone, and this is what she gets from her partner in crime.

In the innocence of it all I never realized that the texting I was doing was anything more than friendly, non sexual, non flirtatious banter. Maybe its a man's way of thinking vs. a woman's.

There were clearly defined lines, and those were the lines I grew up with as knowing as the lines of infidelity. However, I quickly realized once I stepped 1" outside of my own little head just how wrong this type of relationship is. It clearly does not matter if it was not sexual or physical in nature. I was still sharing part of myself with someone else that was not my wife. This could have possibly led to something else a month from now? a year from now? The reality of it kicked me in the nuts, and thats only half of the pain I feel. I've never been more heartbroken for what I am putting her through. At a time when I have never been more in love or infatuated with her, I've ruined it all.

There is no fighting her feeling on this one. You can't attack how a person feels. I screwed up though, and readily admit it. Hopefully now onto recovery, which I want for selfish reasons to be immediate.

It has now been a week since her discovery. I have since flown back to NY, and am missing her incredibly. I'm so sad at how distant she is now. Her stress. Her anxiety. I understand why though. She hasn't told me she loved me. She will now doubt everything or every reason I will do things for her. She now doubts everything I said to her. I have broken her trust.

So now what do I do.

It's hard since I'm away for another week. I am trying to give her her space. Letting her know however she feels is natural. If she needs to scream at me at 4am, call me. If she wants my passwords, she can have them. If she wants my messages to go to her, fine. I want to fight to show her she is my everything.

I know its hard to live in generalities, but how long will she be so devastated. How long til she tells me she loves me. I want to help and support her through this time, and not be pushy, but I also don't want this to take control of her thoughts and life.

Honestly, the insensitive man side of me says "get over it already, you're over reacting to nothing", but the husband chivalrous side of me knows that I need to give her as much space as possible.

Men- how did you get through this without your own life spiraling

Women- Did you get through this? Anything I need to be doing more or less of? I was just able to recover the final 2 days of messages from a hidden archive (there are no more days), do you think I should send her the transcripts at this point? Would knowing exactly what was said help in anyway? I'd be happy to show them to her, as outside of the numbers (120 over 2 days), they are all innocent and sort of back up my side in that it was completely innocent friendly banter.


Thanks for reading and letting me vent it out.

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little help..

Hello , I am a new member today and have never reached out for advise on a site like this before and was hoping to maybe het some insight from others male and female. I am 33 years old and in my first Marriage my wife is currently 26 and we have been married for 5 years this July. My wife and I had a the greatest relationship one could imagine for quite some time. I need to add some back story to paint a clear picture my wife is from Brasil I brought her here after a overseas relationship of 2 years with a fiancé visa Please note she actually wanted me to come to Brasil and live and she didn't want to come to the USA at all so no way at all was she ever after a green card or anything like that im Latin myself and our love is 100% genuine for each other this is no doubt at all and clearly seen by any and all that know us personally. When I met my wife she was overweight 220lbs and kind of a mess I'm a gym rat so I was catalyst of sorts for her and she took off with it she lost 85 pounds and is smoking hot now! bikini fitness competition model and all that , I put her school she has learned to read and write English excellent , she bought her own car with her own money and has become established in her job as a personal trainer and even started her own company that is growing quickly I'm extremely proud of her and tell her that all the time.

What has brought me to this sight is that we had our normal fights every now and then but recently these fights have become more and more frequent and usually about the same things Im not one who is attached to social media ( Facebook , Instagram ) I personally have neither of these nor do I care of them my wife on the other hand is 100% addicted to both and received quite the amount of attention on them I used to not even care as I know my wife is very pretty but after a while I started to notice that the amount of guys messaging her was a lot and that she would talk to these guys from what she says it's all innocent and nothing more than fitness stuff. Im like yea suuuuuree.. I'm a man and I know my first stage of attraction is looks and I know these dues are not talking to her to get her insight on diets and meal prepping from a 130 pound woman I have been the guy on the hunt before and know how it goes. I brought it up to her and she listened but didn't change much or maybe I did I don't check behind her I never een that type of person a few weeks ago I noticed that when she returned from visiting family in Brazil some guy was texting her super early in the am sending her shirtless pics and saying " hey where are you ?" . Given she was just overseas and all of a sudden this guy pops up looks really really bad on her part we fought and given the facts before me I was like why did you hide this from me ? her response no I didn't hide it ? long story short Huge fight and I was ready to leave her call me crazy but I provide a lot for her and I have been 100% straight in our marriage. Since then I have notice my self being more angy easy and getting mad about her dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor I am a neat freak and like things nice and in order. Since then we have had a few fights but recently I noticed a lack of affection , sex has dropped off a lot and yesterday I had to pry it out of her as I knew something was wrong and she tells me she is no longer "emotionally attracted to me" what the hell does that mean ?.. anyone ?.. in 33 years I have never heard of this "emotional attraction " she says this emotional attraction or lack of is because of our constant fights now I do get mad I yell sometimes in a fight im half Irish and half Spanish I came from that upbringing it may not be right and I'm sure I can work on myself in that area but this constant need of attention she desires from others on Facebook and fights about how I feel it's wrong to harbor relationships with men that I have no idea about and her saying that it ok and to just trust her have become the norm .Im tired of it I don't believe its right and when I take a step back and think about all this and look at it from the outside in her damn Facebok page looks like a single woman's page so no wonder she's got guys hitting on her all the time maybe a few pic of us together buried away somewhere. I don't think this has to do with trust of being secure to me this is Respect for your partner shouldn't my attention to her be enough? I tell her every day how she is beautiful and I treat her like a queen. Am I crazy or overreacting to feel this way ? given what has happened

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