Hello all, I don't know if anyone has read other posts from me, I'll try to keep this short.
Basics- relationship is dying, huge part of that is sex. We've been technically sexless for 5-6 of our 8 years. Before that sex was good for him, bad for me.
We've been in a standoff for a very long time, each blaming the other person for the situation.
For the past several years his stance is - anytime I want sex all I have to do is ask but he will not beg. Every now and then he would ask and I would do it and feel disgusted afterwards until the next time. So recently I decided no more. If he asked, I would say no... and I did for 6ish months.
So I started to feel guilty and started talking about it again, he finally agreed to my terms and so we had sex Saturday.
It was HORRIBLE. He had been drinking which makes him last longer so it was 2 hours of horrible until I finally had to just tell him to go to bed and stop. He didn't do the things he agreed to and when he did, he would do them in a joking way and laugh about it (like purposefully screwing up taking my clothes off and then laughing about how "yep, this IS much sexier") :(
The next day he said he wanted to try again so I did and it was just more of the same. I had told him I would rather NOT get oral than have to do 69 but he kept grabbing me to pull me up to do 69, saying I didn't have to do anything, he just liked the position... well I do not. So his response is just to shrug and say "can't say I didn't try" and that's it. Then more of the same unloving, banging and with me already in so much pain from the night before I just tried not to cry until he was done, told him to get out and we both spent the day hating each other (silently)
Ok, this is already getting too long so I'll get to the point- I've never had good sex. It just doesn't feel good. Most of the time it just hurts. It feels very good when I M and I can have a variety of orgasms and no pain, even with anal, on my own. Orgasms, when I actually have them with a partner are 'meh'.
I've only had 1 LTR before, 3 years, and the sex was the same then too. I just never tried to fix it then, didn't know it could/should be better. After that I spent 3 years single and sexless and learned my body.
What I want is when a man starts kissing you, you go to the bedroom and he slowly takes off your clothes, lots of foreplay, touching, kissing and then amazing sex. I've showed him examples in movies (which he says "people don't have sex like in TV") so I found some porn that showed what I wanted, which he also criticized as "a lot of BS to get through to get anywhere" and "she's not doing a damn thing, that's what you want??"
I'm at the point where
1. I can not give in again, withholding was best for me and I am very disappointed in myself for letting this happen again
2. I have suggested an open relationship which is a no go.
3. I'm very anxious for him to leave so I can start my search for good sex.
4. I can't stop thinking about it, was even thinking that maybe once he's gone I could make a craigslist ad or something to find a sex partner, which is very dangerous and stupid, I know.
5. I had a health scare for a bit and one big thing in my head was holy sh*t, what if I die without ever having good sex
6. It has always bothered me but even with the other issues, it never seemed quite enough to throw me over the edge to break up my family over, now it is.
Am I just being unrealistic and have an unattainable romanticized picture in my head of what sex should be? Are my expectations just too high and I'll never be happy with what I get? I read a lot of posts about women who just do it to keep their man happy, some never having an O... but it's very unpleasant, it hurts, it feels violating... maybe it's just me?!
Basics- relationship is dying, huge part of that is sex. We've been technically sexless for 5-6 of our 8 years. Before that sex was good for him, bad for me.
We've been in a standoff for a very long time, each blaming the other person for the situation.
For the past several years his stance is - anytime I want sex all I have to do is ask but he will not beg. Every now and then he would ask and I would do it and feel disgusted afterwards until the next time. So recently I decided no more. If he asked, I would say no... and I did for 6ish months.
So I started to feel guilty and started talking about it again, he finally agreed to my terms and so we had sex Saturday.
It was HORRIBLE. He had been drinking which makes him last longer so it was 2 hours of horrible until I finally had to just tell him to go to bed and stop. He didn't do the things he agreed to and when he did, he would do them in a joking way and laugh about it (like purposefully screwing up taking my clothes off and then laughing about how "yep, this IS much sexier") :(
The next day he said he wanted to try again so I did and it was just more of the same. I had told him I would rather NOT get oral than have to do 69 but he kept grabbing me to pull me up to do 69, saying I didn't have to do anything, he just liked the position... well I do not. So his response is just to shrug and say "can't say I didn't try" and that's it. Then more of the same unloving, banging and with me already in so much pain from the night before I just tried not to cry until he was done, told him to get out and we both spent the day hating each other (silently)
Ok, this is already getting too long so I'll get to the point- I've never had good sex. It just doesn't feel good. Most of the time it just hurts. It feels very good when I M and I can have a variety of orgasms and no pain, even with anal, on my own. Orgasms, when I actually have them with a partner are 'meh'.
I've only had 1 LTR before, 3 years, and the sex was the same then too. I just never tried to fix it then, didn't know it could/should be better. After that I spent 3 years single and sexless and learned my body.
What I want is when a man starts kissing you, you go to the bedroom and he slowly takes off your clothes, lots of foreplay, touching, kissing and then amazing sex. I've showed him examples in movies (which he says "people don't have sex like in TV") so I found some porn that showed what I wanted, which he also criticized as "a lot of BS to get through to get anywhere" and "she's not doing a damn thing, that's what you want??"
I'm at the point where
1. I can not give in again, withholding was best for me and I am very disappointed in myself for letting this happen again
2. I have suggested an open relationship which is a no go.
3. I'm very anxious for him to leave so I can start my search for good sex.
4. I can't stop thinking about it, was even thinking that maybe once he's gone I could make a craigslist ad or something to find a sex partner, which is very dangerous and stupid, I know.
5. I had a health scare for a bit and one big thing in my head was holy sh*t, what if I die without ever having good sex
6. It has always bothered me but even with the other issues, it never seemed quite enough to throw me over the edge to break up my family over, now it is.
Am I just being unrealistic and have an unattainable romanticized picture in my head of what sex should be? Are my expectations just too high and I'll never be happy with what I get? I read a lot of posts about women who just do it to keep their man happy, some never having an O... but it's very unpleasant, it hurts, it feels violating... maybe it's just me?!
Put the internet to work for you.
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