Hi everyone
Very (very) long story,and,after reading the forums a bit,it seems a pretty common one.Sorry about not using the common abbreviations that are used on this site,I'm not sure what they all mean so am writing this the way I speak it.Hope you can understand the rambling and offer some advice.
My wife and I have been together for 13 yrs,married 7 years.I am 39 she is is 38.We have a 5 year old Daughter (who we both love beyond words).I work 3-4 days a week 10-11 hrs per shift,2 of which are nights shifts,she is currently working 1-2 days per week,usually totalling 4-12hrs per week.I am a very introverted person and she is the complete opposite, other than some of her family members she is one of the most extroverted people I've ever met. In general we get on great,we agree 99% of stuff and never fight.I love her with all my heart and she is one of my best friends
When we first met at work I had been single for about 18 months,she pursued me BIG time (she tells everyone she "stalked " me), which I found a bit intimidating.At the time she had a boyfriend so I told her I definitely was not interested in a relationship of any kind.She later broke up with her boyfriend,and we started dating several weeks after.She later told me that she had cheated on all of her boyfriends in the past,usually with the same guy,who I'll call Mr X. She had also had a few same sex relationships
For the first few years our sexual relationship was (to me) very good,I've never really been someone who wanted sex more than 3-4 days/week,which she thought was quite strange as all of her ex's had wanted sex 6-7 days/week. She initiated at least half the time,maybe more,and she was literally ALWAYS complimenting me (in private and to others),to the point where I would become emabarassed about it. At this point in our relationship she was extremely jealous,all the time,about anything and everyone (especially my ex).To the point where I couldn't pick up a DVD at Blockbusters if there was a good looking girl on the cover,and I felt uncomfortable talking to female friends as this usually led to arguments.This behavior caused more than a few fights.The jealousy passed and she told me that ours was the first really healthy relationship she'd been in
The intimacy between us gradually started to decrease after 3-4 years,sex was now twice a month or so.And though I frequently suggested that I would prefer we had it more often,nothing changed,the fact that we didn't even have sex on our honeymoon should have let me know the direction this was heading
This is where things went down hill
We had sex in April 2008 and concieved our beautiful daughter,unfortunately we then did not have sex again until late December 2010,which she initiated with a "better get one in before the end of the year" remark,which of course made me feel like some horrible chore that needed to get done. During the previous 2.5 years , when ever I tried to initiate any sexual contact between us (beyond a morning hug/goodnight peck on the cheek) or tried to discuss the lack of sex, she had started saying "Better get *insert one of her friends names here* over to service you". This long running "joke" was a weekly occurance and she would even say it to the person if they where at our house or talking to them on the phone "When you coming around to service my husband". We were also trapped in a cycle of me trying to initiate sex,getting shot down badly and then me withdrawing from her,sometimes for weeks on end.There was never any fighting or raised voices at all, ever
Then nothing again till late December 2011....again with the "better get one in before the end of the year" comment ugh
Nothing again for 2012,I was starting to dread the end of December, waiting for her to say it again,which of course she did. I finally blew up and let out 4.5 years of frustration and hurt. I told her how bad saying that made me feel and how the constant "jokes" about getting her friends to service me made feel like a bag of ****,and that she was destroying my self esteem. She looked quite shocked and immediately apologised,saying she only ever ment it as a joke and she promised to change,stating she still loved me more than ever and would start making an effort.
At this point I took a long hard look at myself aswell,and how I could improve myself.Mainly getting over my anxiety over going to large social gatherings (particularly her family as they are very "in your face") I made a New Years resolution to be the best husband I could be,to try and spend more quality time as a family (and as a couple) and to not let my feelings get hurt if my sexual advances were rejected .We committed to making every Wednesday our date day (while our daughter was in pre-school) usually we'd go out for lunch or cake and coffee,to the beach etc.
At this point we were having sex once or twice a month,still much less than I'd like, but a huge improvement on where we'd been,2013 was at least starting to look better.
About mid 2013 one of her friends had broken up with her husband and needed to stay at our house for a day or 2,till she could get into a rental. At night she was constantly pressuring us to have a threesome with her,which we repeatedly declined.The next day my wife took our Daughter to school and then went to work,I was left with her "friend" to help move her belongings into her new house.As soon as my wife left for work,her friend started trying very hard to have sex with me (called me into the bathroom when she was in the shower with the door open; walked around our house with NO clothes on looking for a towel; came over (wearing just a towel) and put her face in my lap while I was on the computer) By this point I was feeling extremely uncomfortable and on the verge of an anxiety attack,I managed to get her out of the house and into her place....bang... she strips off again,now just wearing a see through singlet and undies and asking me to lay on the floor with her for a c uddle.My wife finished work and came over to help move her friends stuff in about this time and asked me "why is she nearly naked?" I told her what happened and that I wanted to get out of there and that I'd prefer to never be left alone with this "friend" again.I told her I didn't think this person was a positive person to have in our lives at such a vulnerable time in our marriage
Now if this was one of my friends doing this to my wife, I'd have had a serious word to my so called "friend" and never spoken to them again......but my wife blew it off as nothing and is still good friends with her today and even went away to the coast for a night with her..WTF? This showed me how little she values my feelings
This is where things got really bad
In Sept 2013 I was at home getting ready for work (night shift) and my wife was at the shops, when I heard a msg notification sound come from my daughters iPad,my wife had logged into her facebook account on there and didn't sign out when she left.When I checked the msg it was a reply from MrX (her old f##k-buddy) The exchange read:
Her:Hey
MrX: Hey you
Her:Are you busy today?
Then ,in front of my eyes,the posts were deleted
I called her and asked her to come home immediately,I confronted her about the messages,she was very shocked to say the least.She vehemently denied doing anything wrong and claims she only deleted the messages so not to worry me if I ever saw that she was chattting to him.She said she'd never contact him again.She also claims she didn't think I would mind her chatting with him because I've never been jealous before in our relationship.
We entered Marriage Counselling in October and go about every 2-4 weeks
In these sessions she has been honest and takes pretty much full responsibilty for the poor shape our marriage is in,admitting that most days she is just plain lazy ,but that she is completely committed to changing.She also claims she still loves me,is still extremely attracted to me and that the sex,when it happens,is great.She also told the counsellor that I'm an extremely giving and attentive partner,and she knows I would do anything for her at the drop of a hat
The cousellor assigned her the homework of initiating sex at least one day per week,no matter what,but so far it's been once a month or worse.She is still not taking it seriously
I'm pretty much at the point of moving out now,but the thought of her moving on and getting another guy in here (she could never be alone) and someone else tucking my daughter in at night,picking her up from school etc just breaks my heart.I think I'd rather be dead than not see my little girl every day
I don't know what to do from here
Thanks for reading
Beatings
Very (very) long story,and,after reading the forums a bit,it seems a pretty common one.Sorry about not using the common abbreviations that are used on this site,I'm not sure what they all mean so am writing this the way I speak it.Hope you can understand the rambling and offer some advice.
My wife and I have been together for 13 yrs,married 7 years.I am 39 she is is 38.We have a 5 year old Daughter (who we both love beyond words).I work 3-4 days a week 10-11 hrs per shift,2 of which are nights shifts,she is currently working 1-2 days per week,usually totalling 4-12hrs per week.I am a very introverted person and she is the complete opposite, other than some of her family members she is one of the most extroverted people I've ever met. In general we get on great,we agree 99% of stuff and never fight.I love her with all my heart and she is one of my best friends
When we first met at work I had been single for about 18 months,she pursued me BIG time (she tells everyone she "stalked " me), which I found a bit intimidating.At the time she had a boyfriend so I told her I definitely was not interested in a relationship of any kind.She later broke up with her boyfriend,and we started dating several weeks after.She later told me that she had cheated on all of her boyfriends in the past,usually with the same guy,who I'll call Mr X. She had also had a few same sex relationships
For the first few years our sexual relationship was (to me) very good,I've never really been someone who wanted sex more than 3-4 days/week,which she thought was quite strange as all of her ex's had wanted sex 6-7 days/week. She initiated at least half the time,maybe more,and she was literally ALWAYS complimenting me (in private and to others),to the point where I would become emabarassed about it. At this point in our relationship she was extremely jealous,all the time,about anything and everyone (especially my ex).To the point where I couldn't pick up a DVD at Blockbusters if there was a good looking girl on the cover,and I felt uncomfortable talking to female friends as this usually led to arguments.This behavior caused more than a few fights.The jealousy passed and she told me that ours was the first really healthy relationship she'd been in
The intimacy between us gradually started to decrease after 3-4 years,sex was now twice a month or so.And though I frequently suggested that I would prefer we had it more often,nothing changed,the fact that we didn't even have sex on our honeymoon should have let me know the direction this was heading
This is where things went down hill
We had sex in April 2008 and concieved our beautiful daughter,unfortunately we then did not have sex again until late December 2010,which she initiated with a "better get one in before the end of the year" remark,which of course made me feel like some horrible chore that needed to get done. During the previous 2.5 years , when ever I tried to initiate any sexual contact between us (beyond a morning hug/goodnight peck on the cheek) or tried to discuss the lack of sex, she had started saying "Better get *insert one of her friends names here* over to service you". This long running "joke" was a weekly occurance and she would even say it to the person if they where at our house or talking to them on the phone "When you coming around to service my husband". We were also trapped in a cycle of me trying to initiate sex,getting shot down badly and then me withdrawing from her,sometimes for weeks on end.There was never any fighting or raised voices at all, ever
Then nothing again till late December 2011....again with the "better get one in before the end of the year" comment ugh
Nothing again for 2012,I was starting to dread the end of December, waiting for her to say it again,which of course she did. I finally blew up and let out 4.5 years of frustration and hurt. I told her how bad saying that made me feel and how the constant "jokes" about getting her friends to service me made feel like a bag of ****,and that she was destroying my self esteem. She looked quite shocked and immediately apologised,saying she only ever ment it as a joke and she promised to change,stating she still loved me more than ever and would start making an effort.
At this point I took a long hard look at myself aswell,and how I could improve myself.Mainly getting over my anxiety over going to large social gatherings (particularly her family as they are very "in your face") I made a New Years resolution to be the best husband I could be,to try and spend more quality time as a family (and as a couple) and to not let my feelings get hurt if my sexual advances were rejected .We committed to making every Wednesday our date day (while our daughter was in pre-school) usually we'd go out for lunch or cake and coffee,to the beach etc.
At this point we were having sex once or twice a month,still much less than I'd like, but a huge improvement on where we'd been,2013 was at least starting to look better.
About mid 2013 one of her friends had broken up with her husband and needed to stay at our house for a day or 2,till she could get into a rental. At night she was constantly pressuring us to have a threesome with her,which we repeatedly declined.The next day my wife took our Daughter to school and then went to work,I was left with her "friend" to help move her belongings into her new house.As soon as my wife left for work,her friend started trying very hard to have sex with me (called me into the bathroom when she was in the shower with the door open; walked around our house with NO clothes on looking for a towel; came over (wearing just a towel) and put her face in my lap while I was on the computer) By this point I was feeling extremely uncomfortable and on the verge of an anxiety attack,I managed to get her out of the house and into her place....bang... she strips off again,now just wearing a see through singlet and undies and asking me to lay on the floor with her for a c uddle.My wife finished work and came over to help move her friends stuff in about this time and asked me "why is she nearly naked?" I told her what happened and that I wanted to get out of there and that I'd prefer to never be left alone with this "friend" again.I told her I didn't think this person was a positive person to have in our lives at such a vulnerable time in our marriage
Now if this was one of my friends doing this to my wife, I'd have had a serious word to my so called "friend" and never spoken to them again......but my wife blew it off as nothing and is still good friends with her today and even went away to the coast for a night with her..WTF? This showed me how little she values my feelings
This is where things got really bad
In Sept 2013 I was at home getting ready for work (night shift) and my wife was at the shops, when I heard a msg notification sound come from my daughters iPad,my wife had logged into her facebook account on there and didn't sign out when she left.When I checked the msg it was a reply from MrX (her old f##k-buddy) The exchange read:
Her:Hey
MrX: Hey you
Her:Are you busy today?
Then ,in front of my eyes,the posts were deleted
I called her and asked her to come home immediately,I confronted her about the messages,she was very shocked to say the least.She vehemently denied doing anything wrong and claims she only deleted the messages so not to worry me if I ever saw that she was chattting to him.She said she'd never contact him again.She also claims she didn't think I would mind her chatting with him because I've never been jealous before in our relationship.
We entered Marriage Counselling in October and go about every 2-4 weeks
In these sessions she has been honest and takes pretty much full responsibilty for the poor shape our marriage is in,admitting that most days she is just plain lazy ,but that she is completely committed to changing.She also claims she still loves me,is still extremely attracted to me and that the sex,when it happens,is great.She also told the counsellor that I'm an extremely giving and attentive partner,and she knows I would do anything for her at the drop of a hat
The cousellor assigned her the homework of initiating sex at least one day per week,no matter what,but so far it's been once a month or worse.She is still not taking it seriously
I'm pretty much at the point of moving out now,but the thought of her moving on and getting another guy in here (she could never be alone) and someone else tucking my daughter in at night,picking her up from school etc just breaks my heart.I think I'd rather be dead than not see my little girl every day
I don't know what to do from here
Thanks for reading
Beatings
Put the internet to work for you.
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