I've created a mess for myself, due to my ability to avoid conflicts. To everyone that is reading this, learn from my mistakes. Don't live in denial & self hate. I guess since I have allowed the below to happen to me, I suppose one could say I have been living a life of seld hatred or lack of self worth.
Ive posted on here before my entire story before.....
The story kind of starts back in February of 2012. We were having trouble conceiving a baby & had gone for fertility treatments. We were told that my wife was not responding to the treatments & that we would not have a child of our own. My wife was devastated to say the least. I had a hard time opening up about it & I basically shut down. But I knew we had options such as donor eggs. My wife though didnt want to do that. She felt that she would be resentful of having another person's baby instead of her own. But I explained that it least my dna would be part of the child, but she would not accept that. She brought up adoption, but I wanted to try the donor egg route first.
She went on a downward spiral of feeling awful & self loathing since she couldnt have her own child. She drank more & more. She was belligerent to me quite often. I tried to be cheerful to her, but It was an awful time. On top of all that, we had layoffs at work & my friend that helped me get my job was laid off. So to say the least, I felt awful.
Then I caught my wife in Aug 2012 in an FB/texting EA with an OM. I had a feeling something was wrong & I decided to snoop. I found out that they were texting all during the day, while I was at work, while she was at work, while I was away visiting family, etc, etc. By the time I caught her, they had progressed to sexting, sending videos, mutual masterbation via skype, etc.
The OM lives 900 miles away. It had been going on for about 2-3 months when I found out. Anyway, I find out...I confront...... she says it's my fault, etc, etc. I move out of the home & take all my stuff with me. (1st mistake. I moved out for 6 weeks)
I expose to her family (her mother & brother) the next day. I send them copies of the text messages, etc. WW is furious that I exposed. Her mother makes a 180 & basically defends her daughters actions. Her brother says his sister is morally wrong. I think he & their mother argue about how he thinks it is wrong.
My WW & I talk about divorce, etc via texting, never in person. Her family (mother & father) pledge their support in her divorce against me. I don't think her father was told the whole entire story. I think he would have been mortified. They (WW & her mother) probably didnt want to tell him b/c they thought he would have a heart attack.
During the time I am out of the home for 6 weeks, WW sets up a few dating site profiles. (I know this b/c I am still able to snoop.) One is a dating site for larger women (my WW is a bbw). She uploads photos of herself, some are just face portraits while 2 or 3 are her in lingerie (which are selfies). Several men contact her & she texts a few of them thru the dating sites. A few end up sexting as well with her. She even sent selfies of her privates to some men on these dating sites. This is all at the same time she is still carrying on her relationship with the OM.
During this time she is talking on the phone now with OM rather than just texts. I see the phone bills...she talks & texts OM while she is at work, at home till 4 am, etc. She does this at the same time she is texting with these other men from the dating site. My WW at the time worked as an ICU nurse so how she got away with it while taking care of patients, I dont know. Remember, I am still out of the house.
During this time I am out of the house, she & I communicate via email & text. Mainly it is about how to take care of the house mortgage that is in both our names. She states that she will only help pay for the mortgage for 6 months until sold, if not sold by then, it is my problem. This kind of shows me what she thinks of me.
Anyway, 6 weeks go by from me leaving the house. After 6 weeks of living outside the home, she contacted me & asked for me to move back home. She said that it didnt mean that we were getting back together. But that she was having a hard time paying the mortgage...... that she would live in one bedroom & I live in another. Until we figure out how to take care of the house. So, I did move back in on Oct 1.
Anyway long story short....I kept snooping. I found out that she ended the relationship with the original OM the day I moved back home (or at least I thought). But she instead of cancelling her dating site profile, she would go online often to read the comments left to her by the men from these sites. She wouldn't respond back, just read their comments to her. I did find out that she did stay in contact with the original OM though. She was talking to him thru a text feature that was part of online word game installed on her phone. She also talked to him on the phone one or two times while I was at work. One phone call was about 90 minutes & I think she initiated the call.
After being back in the home for about 2 months or so, we found out that she needed a hysterectomy surgery. She planned it for the day after Christmas due to the only available time slots. Well, she wanted to go on a cruise before having this surgery. So we did...against my family & friends wishes. They still felt that she was untrustworthy & that I just needed to move on. Well, during the cruise she got extremely drunk one night & said a few things that she later couldn't remember. She said stuff like she didnt know if we could ever work thru it all, etc, etc.
We get back from the cruise & she had the surgery the day after Christmas. At this time I had been home for 3 months (moved back in on Oct 1). I found out that while she was in the recovery room in pain...that she was still looking at the dating site comments. She was also texting the original OM thru a word game app. She was telling the OM that she made it thru surgery ok. After I found out, this hurt me a lot. I was the one there supporting her thru her surgery, yet she was still deceptive enough to contact the OM thru a word game app on her phone & tell him she was ok.
Last year on Easter of 2013 (6-7 months after Dday) while shopping, we ran into her old personal fitness trainer. We both trained with this personal trainer way back before Dday..back in 2006 for several months. She started going back to train with him about a year or so before DDay. But she quit going to him just before Dday. Anyway, when I saw the guy I shook his hand but I noticed my wife & the guy were acting odd. Well we kept shopping & she blurted out with a terrified look on her face that the trainer guy had kissed her one time while she was working out. She was doing a shoulder press & he was helping her. When she lifted the weight to the top, he reached around & kissed her.
Then she explained that is happened 3 separate times. The last time, he tried to pull her into the restroom with him, and she resisted. This was at his place of business & his wife was there running the tanning salon. This was just before DDay. Actually she ended her membership on DDay.
Anyway, sorry for the long story.
DDay was mid August 2012, so its been about a year & a half since then. As you can tell lots of things happened since then & I learned a lot about my wife...some things not so nice.
We did briefly talk about what happened around the time of her surgery. She explained that when she was told that she couldn't have her own children, she fell into a depression. She felt that she was keeping me from having my own children. She also felt that I was not there for her emotionally. That I should be able to find someone else to have a family with. This may be true in how she felt, I can just imagine the pain & sadness. BUT why in the world get involved with someone else, dating sites, etc.
Since her surgery in 2012 we have been going thru life on auto-pilot. We haven't had any major fights or really talked about what she did. We did go see an adoption counselor about the process of getting a child. I was reluctant, but I didnt want to start a fight with her, so I went anyway.
She does not know that I am aware of what she did during the time I was out of the house (dating sites, etc). She also does not know that I am aware of her talking to OM right after her surgery. All she knows that I am aware of the EA with the OM & the kissing (non-mutual according to her) with the fitness instructor.
Over this past weekend I visited my family who live about 80 miles away. As I have stated, my WW has not had contact with my family since before DDay. All she knows is that they are aware of the EA & thats it. I have told them about everything else too.
I came home on Sunday evening & I noticed that she had some papers on the dining room table. They were adoption forms we got from the counselor that we visited together about a year ago. She had filled some of them out. I assume she will ask me to fill out some information.
I feel sad most of the time b/c I think she has swept this all under the rug & expects to go on with life. I have been going to see an individual counselor since March 2013. I guess I have been looking for assurance that I am not crazy for feeling sad . The counselor has stated that my WW is still not remorseful since she has not been totally honest with me about what all she did. The counselor also stated that my WW must be just fine with the fact that she hasnt talked to my family in two years.
This is where I guess the moral of the story is. I have put off confronting her for so long that it has gotten to this point. She wants to adopt a child & I know it is not in my best interest to do that. Ive asked her many times, but my WW has not been to see a counselor at all. I really don't feel she is really remorseful....that given the chance she would blame this all on me.
My world is about to go nuclear with a confrontation, just because I wouldn't face it & stand up to my WW...and being a doormat. Maybe I should have filed for divorce after DDay. Maybe I should have filed divorce right after I found out she was still in contact with OM during her surgery.
Part of me feels bad for waiting this long to confront this. The other part of me feels as if I have given her enough support.....she has had a year to come clean & be totally remorseful but has chosen not to do so.
People, don't do what I have done. Be strong ..... do what is morally right & best for you. Don't be a doormat....Ive been one for a long time.
Ive posted on here before my entire story before.....
The story kind of starts back in February of 2012. We were having trouble conceiving a baby & had gone for fertility treatments. We were told that my wife was not responding to the treatments & that we would not have a child of our own. My wife was devastated to say the least. I had a hard time opening up about it & I basically shut down. But I knew we had options such as donor eggs. My wife though didnt want to do that. She felt that she would be resentful of having another person's baby instead of her own. But I explained that it least my dna would be part of the child, but she would not accept that. She brought up adoption, but I wanted to try the donor egg route first.
She went on a downward spiral of feeling awful & self loathing since she couldnt have her own child. She drank more & more. She was belligerent to me quite often. I tried to be cheerful to her, but It was an awful time. On top of all that, we had layoffs at work & my friend that helped me get my job was laid off. So to say the least, I felt awful.
Then I caught my wife in Aug 2012 in an FB/texting EA with an OM. I had a feeling something was wrong & I decided to snoop. I found out that they were texting all during the day, while I was at work, while she was at work, while I was away visiting family, etc, etc. By the time I caught her, they had progressed to sexting, sending videos, mutual masterbation via skype, etc.
The OM lives 900 miles away. It had been going on for about 2-3 months when I found out. Anyway, I find out...I confront...... she says it's my fault, etc, etc. I move out of the home & take all my stuff with me. (1st mistake. I moved out for 6 weeks)
I expose to her family (her mother & brother) the next day. I send them copies of the text messages, etc. WW is furious that I exposed. Her mother makes a 180 & basically defends her daughters actions. Her brother says his sister is morally wrong. I think he & their mother argue about how he thinks it is wrong.
My WW & I talk about divorce, etc via texting, never in person. Her family (mother & father) pledge their support in her divorce against me. I don't think her father was told the whole entire story. I think he would have been mortified. They (WW & her mother) probably didnt want to tell him b/c they thought he would have a heart attack.
During the time I am out of the home for 6 weeks, WW sets up a few dating site profiles. (I know this b/c I am still able to snoop.) One is a dating site for larger women (my WW is a bbw). She uploads photos of herself, some are just face portraits while 2 or 3 are her in lingerie (which are selfies). Several men contact her & she texts a few of them thru the dating sites. A few end up sexting as well with her. She even sent selfies of her privates to some men on these dating sites. This is all at the same time she is still carrying on her relationship with the OM.
During this time she is talking on the phone now with OM rather than just texts. I see the phone bills...she talks & texts OM while she is at work, at home till 4 am, etc. She does this at the same time she is texting with these other men from the dating site. My WW at the time worked as an ICU nurse so how she got away with it while taking care of patients, I dont know. Remember, I am still out of the house.
During this time I am out of the house, she & I communicate via email & text. Mainly it is about how to take care of the house mortgage that is in both our names. She states that she will only help pay for the mortgage for 6 months until sold, if not sold by then, it is my problem. This kind of shows me what she thinks of me.
Anyway, 6 weeks go by from me leaving the house. After 6 weeks of living outside the home, she contacted me & asked for me to move back home. She said that it didnt mean that we were getting back together. But that she was having a hard time paying the mortgage...... that she would live in one bedroom & I live in another. Until we figure out how to take care of the house. So, I did move back in on Oct 1.
Anyway long story short....I kept snooping. I found out that she ended the relationship with the original OM the day I moved back home (or at least I thought). But she instead of cancelling her dating site profile, she would go online often to read the comments left to her by the men from these sites. She wouldn't respond back, just read their comments to her. I did find out that she did stay in contact with the original OM though. She was talking to him thru a text feature that was part of online word game installed on her phone. She also talked to him on the phone one or two times while I was at work. One phone call was about 90 minutes & I think she initiated the call.
After being back in the home for about 2 months or so, we found out that she needed a hysterectomy surgery. She planned it for the day after Christmas due to the only available time slots. Well, she wanted to go on a cruise before having this surgery. So we did...against my family & friends wishes. They still felt that she was untrustworthy & that I just needed to move on. Well, during the cruise she got extremely drunk one night & said a few things that she later couldn't remember. She said stuff like she didnt know if we could ever work thru it all, etc, etc.
We get back from the cruise & she had the surgery the day after Christmas. At this time I had been home for 3 months (moved back in on Oct 1). I found out that while she was in the recovery room in pain...that she was still looking at the dating site comments. She was also texting the original OM thru a word game app. She was telling the OM that she made it thru surgery ok. After I found out, this hurt me a lot. I was the one there supporting her thru her surgery, yet she was still deceptive enough to contact the OM thru a word game app on her phone & tell him she was ok.
Last year on Easter of 2013 (6-7 months after Dday) while shopping, we ran into her old personal fitness trainer. We both trained with this personal trainer way back before Dday..back in 2006 for several months. She started going back to train with him about a year or so before DDay. But she quit going to him just before Dday. Anyway, when I saw the guy I shook his hand but I noticed my wife & the guy were acting odd. Well we kept shopping & she blurted out with a terrified look on her face that the trainer guy had kissed her one time while she was working out. She was doing a shoulder press & he was helping her. When she lifted the weight to the top, he reached around & kissed her.
Then she explained that is happened 3 separate times. The last time, he tried to pull her into the restroom with him, and she resisted. This was at his place of business & his wife was there running the tanning salon. This was just before DDay. Actually she ended her membership on DDay.
Anyway, sorry for the long story.
DDay was mid August 2012, so its been about a year & a half since then. As you can tell lots of things happened since then & I learned a lot about my wife...some things not so nice.
We did briefly talk about what happened around the time of her surgery. She explained that when she was told that she couldn't have her own children, she fell into a depression. She felt that she was keeping me from having my own children. She also felt that I was not there for her emotionally. That I should be able to find someone else to have a family with. This may be true in how she felt, I can just imagine the pain & sadness. BUT why in the world get involved with someone else, dating sites, etc.
Since her surgery in 2012 we have been going thru life on auto-pilot. We haven't had any major fights or really talked about what she did. We did go see an adoption counselor about the process of getting a child. I was reluctant, but I didnt want to start a fight with her, so I went anyway.
She does not know that I am aware of what she did during the time I was out of the house (dating sites, etc). She also does not know that I am aware of her talking to OM right after her surgery. All she knows that I am aware of the EA with the OM & the kissing (non-mutual according to her) with the fitness instructor.
Over this past weekend I visited my family who live about 80 miles away. As I have stated, my WW has not had contact with my family since before DDay. All she knows is that they are aware of the EA & thats it. I have told them about everything else too.
I came home on Sunday evening & I noticed that she had some papers on the dining room table. They were adoption forms we got from the counselor that we visited together about a year ago. She had filled some of them out. I assume she will ask me to fill out some information.
I feel sad most of the time b/c I think she has swept this all under the rug & expects to go on with life. I have been going to see an individual counselor since March 2013. I guess I have been looking for assurance that I am not crazy for feeling sad . The counselor has stated that my WW is still not remorseful since she has not been totally honest with me about what all she did. The counselor also stated that my WW must be just fine with the fact that she hasnt talked to my family in two years.
This is where I guess the moral of the story is. I have put off confronting her for so long that it has gotten to this point. She wants to adopt a child & I know it is not in my best interest to do that. Ive asked her many times, but my WW has not been to see a counselor at all. I really don't feel she is really remorseful....that given the chance she would blame this all on me.
My world is about to go nuclear with a confrontation, just because I wouldn't face it & stand up to my WW...and being a doormat. Maybe I should have filed for divorce after DDay. Maybe I should have filed divorce right after I found out she was still in contact with OM during her surgery.
Part of me feels bad for waiting this long to confront this. The other part of me feels as if I have given her enough support.....she has had a year to come clean & be totally remorseful but has chosen not to do so.
People, don't do what I have done. Be strong ..... do what is morally right & best for you. Don't be a doormat....Ive been one for a long time.
Put the internet to work for you.
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