I've been married 10 years in July. My husband and I got married young (18) and have only been with each other. Sex has almost always been an issue with us.
So issue #1 is that when we're in bed during foreplay sometimes I let him know what I would like him to do. He almost always ignores it or makes an excuse why he can't etc. Example. Tonight he initiated with me (after a bad turn yesterday where we didn't have sex after all) and things were going wonderfully. He started touching me and I had said it was too dry which doesn't feel good. His response is just to stop doing what he's doing, which isn't what I wanted at all. We've gone around and around about this and I've explained that if I say it's too dry that means come up with a way to make it not dry. We can all use our imaginations there. So I tried not letting myself get totally turned off but after 3-4 attempts of me letting him know it wasn't feeling good and I needed some lubricant he just mentions that we were out of store bought lubricant and doesn't move forward with anything else. So I calmly and tried to tactfully say that I was frustrated and he started yelling at me. Not like SCREAMING but he raised his voice and it really upset me. I explained that yelling at me doesn't turn me on and I started crying. I was upset and said Please stop yelling at me and he went on to say that it's all me and that I have a mental or emotional block when it comes to sex and that subconsciously I'm trying to push him away. :scratchhead: what? Seriously that's not the case. Not a bit. It simply didn't feel good and I'm trying to calmly and nicely explain that and he often gets very frustrated and starts hurling insults that have nothing to do with the conversation at hand. And of course once that happens it's irreparable and I'm NOT in the mood.
I'm a very sexually in tune person. I know what I like and I am pretty open to trying new things. I have a normal to high sex drive and would love to have sex probably every day if he was putting effort in. And by effort I feel like that's just normal mutual foreplay etc. I don't have problems having an orgasm or having a really fun time during sex. So in essence I don't feel like this is me...it's him. Or am I totally off about this?
I guess I'm looking for an outside opinion about this. Am I being unreasonable? I want to have sex and lots of it. It recharges me, but I'm also not going to have sex when it's not feeling good and I personally think there is something wrong when I make suggestions about my own body and am met with such resistance. I guess since we've never had sex with other people that I'm searching for answers. Is it like this for other people? My gut says no and it really makes me sad. I've worked really hard for a while to try and address areas that aren't good, I want them to be good. I just feel like I'm the only one who can stick to the issue at hand and not start talking about other problems or things that happened like 5-6 years ago.
Another issue that we've had over the years is that when we're having sex I like him to be the more dominating one. I like feeling pursued, attractive and that he wants me. But most of the time I feel like he doesn't initiate, so I have to if I want to have sex. I don't mind doing that but it's all the time. We have three kids and after constantly giving to them and taking care of my husband (laundry, food, etc.) I want to feel taken care of and appreciated.
I just don't know what to do. When he does things I love I point it out and say so. I try and encourage him and I even tell him often that if I'm moaning that probably means I'm enjoying it and if not it should be a queue to try something else. Seriously, I feel like our entire sexual encounter needs to have a direction book or something. Am I wrong to expect that if I'm giving hints and tips for years (consistent ones too) that he might remember them? His excuse is constantly that I'm inconsistent and when I ask him to tell me where I've been consistent he gets angry and says he's not doing that. Because he often throws out a statement like that and refuses to or can't back it up.
I've even mentioned to him times early on in our sexual relationship where he gently told me something didn't feel good when it was too dry for him and I think since those early days I've always been careful to make sure he's comfortable.
I'm just not sure what else to do other than try and talk about it, but it always gets heated, no matter how hard I try to keep it calm. I just don't understand what is so hard about this?
So issue #1 is that when we're in bed during foreplay sometimes I let him know what I would like him to do. He almost always ignores it or makes an excuse why he can't etc. Example. Tonight he initiated with me (after a bad turn yesterday where we didn't have sex after all) and things were going wonderfully. He started touching me and I had said it was too dry which doesn't feel good. His response is just to stop doing what he's doing, which isn't what I wanted at all. We've gone around and around about this and I've explained that if I say it's too dry that means come up with a way to make it not dry. We can all use our imaginations there. So I tried not letting myself get totally turned off but after 3-4 attempts of me letting him know it wasn't feeling good and I needed some lubricant he just mentions that we were out of store bought lubricant and doesn't move forward with anything else. So I calmly and tried to tactfully say that I was frustrated and he started yelling at me. Not like SCREAMING but he raised his voice and it really upset me. I explained that yelling at me doesn't turn me on and I started crying. I was upset and said Please stop yelling at me and he went on to say that it's all me and that I have a mental or emotional block when it comes to sex and that subconsciously I'm trying to push him away. :scratchhead: what? Seriously that's not the case. Not a bit. It simply didn't feel good and I'm trying to calmly and nicely explain that and he often gets very frustrated and starts hurling insults that have nothing to do with the conversation at hand. And of course once that happens it's irreparable and I'm NOT in the mood.
I'm a very sexually in tune person. I know what I like and I am pretty open to trying new things. I have a normal to high sex drive and would love to have sex probably every day if he was putting effort in. And by effort I feel like that's just normal mutual foreplay etc. I don't have problems having an orgasm or having a really fun time during sex. So in essence I don't feel like this is me...it's him. Or am I totally off about this?
I guess I'm looking for an outside opinion about this. Am I being unreasonable? I want to have sex and lots of it. It recharges me, but I'm also not going to have sex when it's not feeling good and I personally think there is something wrong when I make suggestions about my own body and am met with such resistance. I guess since we've never had sex with other people that I'm searching for answers. Is it like this for other people? My gut says no and it really makes me sad. I've worked really hard for a while to try and address areas that aren't good, I want them to be good. I just feel like I'm the only one who can stick to the issue at hand and not start talking about other problems or things that happened like 5-6 years ago.
Another issue that we've had over the years is that when we're having sex I like him to be the more dominating one. I like feeling pursued, attractive and that he wants me. But most of the time I feel like he doesn't initiate, so I have to if I want to have sex. I don't mind doing that but it's all the time. We have three kids and after constantly giving to them and taking care of my husband (laundry, food, etc.) I want to feel taken care of and appreciated.
I just don't know what to do. When he does things I love I point it out and say so. I try and encourage him and I even tell him often that if I'm moaning that probably means I'm enjoying it and if not it should be a queue to try something else. Seriously, I feel like our entire sexual encounter needs to have a direction book or something. Am I wrong to expect that if I'm giving hints and tips for years (consistent ones too) that he might remember them? His excuse is constantly that I'm inconsistent and when I ask him to tell me where I've been consistent he gets angry and says he's not doing that. Because he often throws out a statement like that and refuses to or can't back it up.
I've even mentioned to him times early on in our sexual relationship where he gently told me something didn't feel good when it was too dry for him and I think since those early days I've always been careful to make sure he's comfortable.
I'm just not sure what else to do other than try and talk about it, but it always gets heated, no matter how hard I try to keep it calm. I just don't understand what is so hard about this?
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