Hi all, this is my first post on the first night I joined this site. I've read through several threads & everyone seems to be sincere in the advice they give, and I could certainly use some advice.
I'll start with the biggest problem right now. My husband wants to be my submissive. He swears I am dominant and that I MUST have a sadistic streak in me somewhere. I don't. I never have. I can be manipulative, just like any woman can, but never, ever do I want to cause physical pain.
Well, I have tried my best to be what he needs. We have toys, some used, some not, and I've made it clear I don't get off on it, but I'll do it for him because he likes it. I've also made it clear I can't imagine liking it, but I also understand different people like different things. The 'scenes' have been few & far between, we barely have sex at all, but it's been a couple of years now & I have never gotten comfortable with it.
Last August we moved to the area we're in now & have gotten into the local scene. I've been to three munches so far (not a huge deal since they're always casual) and been invited to two parties that we haven't attended. He says he's patient and he can wait for me to become comfortable, which I appreciate.
The problem is, I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with it. After two years, I don't think there's much else I can do. We've had arguments, outright fights, about all this. He was in a relationship in his twenties with a domme who was abusive, but now at 41 he's rediscovered what he loved about it. Had he been open about it before we got married, we might not have gotten married. It's been really strained lately because he's made it clear that he's finally found people who accept him & he's not ashamed anymore & he can't go back to the way he was (vanilla).
What I hear is, I'm doing it, with or without you. He's usually very sweet about it, but when I get upset, he gets upset, and then the unedited thoughts are revealed. A lot of the time I want to tell him to just go on, find someone else to beat him, find someone else to "fornicate with" (I usually use the f word) while I take care of his children. We have 3, btw.
On top of this, I'm 41, perimenopausal, depressed and about 40 pounds overweight. I was a pretty young woman (wish I had known it at the time) but now I feel really ugly and I certainly don't want to get naked. Sometimes it fills me with anxiety just to take a bath.
Before anyone says it, I would love to get counseling, but we don't have insurance. My husband just got out of the Army last October and the CHAMPUS is too expensive. I'm going to college now because I'm also a veteran & I get paid to go, but I don't like it & I never wanted to, which is why I never did. He's working at Walmart at the moment, which pays like crap. So yes, there are definitely other stressors in our lives, but this BDSM stuff is just always on my mind now, & not in a good way. I'm not opposed to anyone having sex any way they want, but I know what I like & what I don't.
I just can't convince my husband that I don't, because I'm sure he can't even fathom anyone NOT liking kink, just like I can't fathom why someone would like pain or like hurting others, but I DO understand that they do and that I will probably NEVER understand the why's. I feel like I'm being judged because I'm not kinky. I was never opposed to it really, I would like to play sometimes, but not when I'm being pressured. Even when he's not actually pressuring me, I guess I'm pressuring me because it's just always there in the background.
I don't even know if I have a specific question to ask here, I just know I'm so resentful and it doesn't seem to matter how much we talk about it. By the end of the discussion it's more like, I'm just tired of talking about this now because nothing's getting accomplished, so let's just stop talking right now.
I dunno, any insight would be welcome.:scratchhead: Thanks to anyone who takes the time to respond.
I'll start with the biggest problem right now. My husband wants to be my submissive. He swears I am dominant and that I MUST have a sadistic streak in me somewhere. I don't. I never have. I can be manipulative, just like any woman can, but never, ever do I want to cause physical pain.
Well, I have tried my best to be what he needs. We have toys, some used, some not, and I've made it clear I don't get off on it, but I'll do it for him because he likes it. I've also made it clear I can't imagine liking it, but I also understand different people like different things. The 'scenes' have been few & far between, we barely have sex at all, but it's been a couple of years now & I have never gotten comfortable with it.
Last August we moved to the area we're in now & have gotten into the local scene. I've been to three munches so far (not a huge deal since they're always casual) and been invited to two parties that we haven't attended. He says he's patient and he can wait for me to become comfortable, which I appreciate.
The problem is, I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with it. After two years, I don't think there's much else I can do. We've had arguments, outright fights, about all this. He was in a relationship in his twenties with a domme who was abusive, but now at 41 he's rediscovered what he loved about it. Had he been open about it before we got married, we might not have gotten married. It's been really strained lately because he's made it clear that he's finally found people who accept him & he's not ashamed anymore & he can't go back to the way he was (vanilla).
What I hear is, I'm doing it, with or without you. He's usually very sweet about it, but when I get upset, he gets upset, and then the unedited thoughts are revealed. A lot of the time I want to tell him to just go on, find someone else to beat him, find someone else to "fornicate with" (I usually use the f word) while I take care of his children. We have 3, btw.
On top of this, I'm 41, perimenopausal, depressed and about 40 pounds overweight. I was a pretty young woman (wish I had known it at the time) but now I feel really ugly and I certainly don't want to get naked. Sometimes it fills me with anxiety just to take a bath.
Before anyone says it, I would love to get counseling, but we don't have insurance. My husband just got out of the Army last October and the CHAMPUS is too expensive. I'm going to college now because I'm also a veteran & I get paid to go, but I don't like it & I never wanted to, which is why I never did. He's working at Walmart at the moment, which pays like crap. So yes, there are definitely other stressors in our lives, but this BDSM stuff is just always on my mind now, & not in a good way. I'm not opposed to anyone having sex any way they want, but I know what I like & what I don't.
I just can't convince my husband that I don't, because I'm sure he can't even fathom anyone NOT liking kink, just like I can't fathom why someone would like pain or like hurting others, but I DO understand that they do and that I will probably NEVER understand the why's. I feel like I'm being judged because I'm not kinky. I was never opposed to it really, I would like to play sometimes, but not when I'm being pressured. Even when he's not actually pressuring me, I guess I'm pressuring me because it's just always there in the background.
I don't even know if I have a specific question to ask here, I just know I'm so resentful and it doesn't seem to matter how much we talk about it. By the end of the discussion it's more like, I'm just tired of talking about this now because nothing's getting accomplished, so let's just stop talking right now.
I dunno, any insight would be welcome.:scratchhead: Thanks to anyone who takes the time to respond.
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