i'm posting this under infidelity but that's only the part of the problem. thx in advance for tolerating a long read:
about 8 years ago we (wife and young daughter) moved to a new town. bought too much house, huge tension, i screw up and wound up hooking up w/ a girl at work a few times. lots of email contact as well, a very shameful chapter in my life. didn't have sex but...bad enough, whatever. we moved away, i didn't have contact w/ girl for a few years but gradually resumed some email contact, and had lunch while on biz trip. nothing happened but wife found out about all this and was understandably crushed. no idea why i resumed contact, it was sort of like proving to myself that bad stuff was behind me now: "see, look, just casual friends, nothing to see here!" dumb but that's the only way i can explain it. this was over a year ago, all that stuff is over but obviously still fresh in wife's mind.
we've just moved again now, back to my home town...and things have absolutely blown up. wife takes issue with everything my mom does. granted she can be annoying, but a lot of her hostility towards them is about things that have happened in the past. i know mom is desperate to make things better but my wife is just...done, tapped out, doesn't want or need contact with her, and now, anyone in my family. they are a 'bunch of selfish *******s.' they call me saying 'what can we do, we want her to be happy' but my wife has absolutely demonized them beyond repair and built a wall 50 feet high. its sad because they're there for her if she would open up but shes 'DONE TRYING' etc, you should see the anger in the texts etc. it makes me sad more than anything else.
i thought growing up around their grandparents and aunt, people who care deeply about them, would be good for the kids, and i still think that. but this situation is completely broken.
wife has further resentment towards me because several years ago we chose to abort a baby. very difficult decision and it's clear she thinks it was me forcing the issue. i thought we had decided on it mutually, but if there's a difference of opinion there there's no real wrong or right. she blames me and i get that that is a HUGE source of resentment and anger.
so...infidelity, forced abortion, move she didn't want to make...these are all the sins piled up on my head. for years she stepped away from making big decisions and in the absence of that, i've apparently made all the wrong ones. i'm a concerned husband and father of two who is desperate to keep this family together. i love my wife but just can't seem to make her happy, i've offered to move, whatever, i don't care.
what's hard is she feels like she's suddenly at a place where nothing is what she wants...the problem is, i've said that to her for years. she doesn't know what she wants for dinner, she knows what she doesn't want. doesn't know what house to buy, but knows which one sucks. etc. i've been desperate for her to actively chase her own happiness more, and now she's suddenly decided "you know, i think i will, and i'll start by tearing this family to pieces and run away from everything."
i've screwed up plenty, was immature and probably a bad listener. but i've always cared deeply about her, am in therapy to learn how to make evident more of those feelings on the inside, make it through to the outside. but i just don't know what to do? what do you do when a person takes EVERY SINGLE THING people say or do, and use it against them, and refuse to see the good in anything? I bring flowers, try to talk, whatever, it's just 'you're doing that to fix your perfect image of a family, you don't really care.' it's like a punch in the stomach. i mean she is looking for every possible shred of evidence to support her thesis that i'm a bad person, family are bad people, town is horrible, move was terrible idea, etc. It's absolutely relentless and i just don't know how to even begin tackling it all. i'm normally a pretty upbeat person but god it's making me want to steer my car into a tree sometimes, it's just a constant oppressive drone of anger and negativity.
so...yeah. what can i do? like i said i'm in therapy, and desperately want to get back to couples therapy. flailing and miserable. she keeps saying 'you got what you want, your in your hometown + your family...'. the thing is, all of that was because i thought it would be good for them to have family around, her to have support, etc, but...god no. i don't want to be here without them, that wasn't the point. but she won't hear it. wont hear anything that doesn't support the idea that husband/family/town=horrible.
just feel like edward scissorhands or something, try to hug someone and you just hurt them worse. it's just sad and lonely. have no idea the last time i felt she cared about me. and i get why she wouldn't, but it's tough.
about 8 years ago we (wife and young daughter) moved to a new town. bought too much house, huge tension, i screw up and wound up hooking up w/ a girl at work a few times. lots of email contact as well, a very shameful chapter in my life. didn't have sex but...bad enough, whatever. we moved away, i didn't have contact w/ girl for a few years but gradually resumed some email contact, and had lunch while on biz trip. nothing happened but wife found out about all this and was understandably crushed. no idea why i resumed contact, it was sort of like proving to myself that bad stuff was behind me now: "see, look, just casual friends, nothing to see here!" dumb but that's the only way i can explain it. this was over a year ago, all that stuff is over but obviously still fresh in wife's mind.
we've just moved again now, back to my home town...and things have absolutely blown up. wife takes issue with everything my mom does. granted she can be annoying, but a lot of her hostility towards them is about things that have happened in the past. i know mom is desperate to make things better but my wife is just...done, tapped out, doesn't want or need contact with her, and now, anyone in my family. they are a 'bunch of selfish *******s.' they call me saying 'what can we do, we want her to be happy' but my wife has absolutely demonized them beyond repair and built a wall 50 feet high. its sad because they're there for her if she would open up but shes 'DONE TRYING' etc, you should see the anger in the texts etc. it makes me sad more than anything else.
i thought growing up around their grandparents and aunt, people who care deeply about them, would be good for the kids, and i still think that. but this situation is completely broken.
wife has further resentment towards me because several years ago we chose to abort a baby. very difficult decision and it's clear she thinks it was me forcing the issue. i thought we had decided on it mutually, but if there's a difference of opinion there there's no real wrong or right. she blames me and i get that that is a HUGE source of resentment and anger.
so...infidelity, forced abortion, move she didn't want to make...these are all the sins piled up on my head. for years she stepped away from making big decisions and in the absence of that, i've apparently made all the wrong ones. i'm a concerned husband and father of two who is desperate to keep this family together. i love my wife but just can't seem to make her happy, i've offered to move, whatever, i don't care.
what's hard is she feels like she's suddenly at a place where nothing is what she wants...the problem is, i've said that to her for years. she doesn't know what she wants for dinner, she knows what she doesn't want. doesn't know what house to buy, but knows which one sucks. etc. i've been desperate for her to actively chase her own happiness more, and now she's suddenly decided "you know, i think i will, and i'll start by tearing this family to pieces and run away from everything."
i've screwed up plenty, was immature and probably a bad listener. but i've always cared deeply about her, am in therapy to learn how to make evident more of those feelings on the inside, make it through to the outside. but i just don't know what to do? what do you do when a person takes EVERY SINGLE THING people say or do, and use it against them, and refuse to see the good in anything? I bring flowers, try to talk, whatever, it's just 'you're doing that to fix your perfect image of a family, you don't really care.' it's like a punch in the stomach. i mean she is looking for every possible shred of evidence to support her thesis that i'm a bad person, family are bad people, town is horrible, move was terrible idea, etc. It's absolutely relentless and i just don't know how to even begin tackling it all. i'm normally a pretty upbeat person but god it's making me want to steer my car into a tree sometimes, it's just a constant oppressive drone of anger and negativity.
so...yeah. what can i do? like i said i'm in therapy, and desperately want to get back to couples therapy. flailing and miserable. she keeps saying 'you got what you want, your in your hometown + your family...'. the thing is, all of that was because i thought it would be good for them to have family around, her to have support, etc, but...god no. i don't want to be here without them, that wasn't the point. but she won't hear it. wont hear anything that doesn't support the idea that husband/family/town=horrible.
just feel like edward scissorhands or something, try to hug someone and you just hurt them worse. it's just sad and lonely. have no idea the last time i felt she cared about me. and i get why she wouldn't, but it's tough.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment