I found my husband's secret stash of sex toys two months ago and the wheels have been coming off the marriage ever since.
We've been married almost 2 years (both in 40's, first marriage for both). We've never been overly physical. About once a month is average for us and even then it's not very affectionate. Sometimes I'm ok with it - sometimes not.
Back in January, after having zero intimate relations through the entire holiday season, I went away on a weekend retreat. I left late Friday night only to get a phone call on Saturday AM that hubby fell and broke his ankle - he needed to have surgery.
I rushed home to be by his side only to be told "don't be shocked - I have some toys out in the house".
Some toys doesn't even begin to describe it. There was a full suitcase of anal toys that I had never even imagined. Toys were in the shower, on the floor in the bathroom. We've been in the house over 2 years and I thought I knew every corner. I couldn't even imagine where he had been hiding it from me.
It was a bad break so first priority was getting him out of hospital and settled into make-shift bedroom in living room. I became full-time care-taker and he was in so much pain that I didn't think it was the appropriate time to discuss the toys.
Healing and recovery quickly took priority but everything still weighed on my mind. Then one night he had a very strange reaction to the news of his best friend's engagement. After he sulked for a couple of days - I asked if he secretly loved his buddy. He lashed out in a rage that I was totally off base.
I explained my position - that I was hurt by his secret and felt that he had no interest in me. How painful it was for me to know that he went running to get the toys out the minute I left the house. I suddenly found myself doubting absolutely everything in our marriage.
He has since tried to be intimate 3 times and I've pushed him away. He thinks that I'm turned off by his anal toys. I can't make him understand that my trust is destroyed and his lack of openness and emotional intimacy is where this is all coming from. Yes, I was shocked and surprised but I'm willing to work to keep an open mind if he would just talk to me about it.
Meanwhile, his reaction about his buddy and his refusal to talk about that makes me wonder if the toys are physical in nature or if there is something more to my suspicions. We are now having all kinds of difficulties and the tension in the house has become totally unbearable. He says the sex issue is settled and that my doubts are totally unfounded but I say they are not if I still have questions.
Has anyone ever experienced something like this? He has said that he would talk to someone professionally with me but when I try to follow up with him on that he shuts down and won't talk about it. I don't believe it would be successful if I just make an appointment and tell him to go. I just want to discuss things openly. I'm scared and uncomfortable and I told him that but I'm willing to go there. He won't.
I'm feeling like my only option right now is to abandon this whole deal. I'm tired of fighting to get close to him or understand what is going on. Am I over-reacting to the toys or is that just a portion of the underlying communication problem? Thanks for any one that can share in similar situations.
We've been married almost 2 years (both in 40's, first marriage for both). We've never been overly physical. About once a month is average for us and even then it's not very affectionate. Sometimes I'm ok with it - sometimes not.
Back in January, after having zero intimate relations through the entire holiday season, I went away on a weekend retreat. I left late Friday night only to get a phone call on Saturday AM that hubby fell and broke his ankle - he needed to have surgery.
I rushed home to be by his side only to be told "don't be shocked - I have some toys out in the house".
Some toys doesn't even begin to describe it. There was a full suitcase of anal toys that I had never even imagined. Toys were in the shower, on the floor in the bathroom. We've been in the house over 2 years and I thought I knew every corner. I couldn't even imagine where he had been hiding it from me.
It was a bad break so first priority was getting him out of hospital and settled into make-shift bedroom in living room. I became full-time care-taker and he was in so much pain that I didn't think it was the appropriate time to discuss the toys.
Healing and recovery quickly took priority but everything still weighed on my mind. Then one night he had a very strange reaction to the news of his best friend's engagement. After he sulked for a couple of days - I asked if he secretly loved his buddy. He lashed out in a rage that I was totally off base.
I explained my position - that I was hurt by his secret and felt that he had no interest in me. How painful it was for me to know that he went running to get the toys out the minute I left the house. I suddenly found myself doubting absolutely everything in our marriage.
He has since tried to be intimate 3 times and I've pushed him away. He thinks that I'm turned off by his anal toys. I can't make him understand that my trust is destroyed and his lack of openness and emotional intimacy is where this is all coming from. Yes, I was shocked and surprised but I'm willing to work to keep an open mind if he would just talk to me about it.
Meanwhile, his reaction about his buddy and his refusal to talk about that makes me wonder if the toys are physical in nature or if there is something more to my suspicions. We are now having all kinds of difficulties and the tension in the house has become totally unbearable. He says the sex issue is settled and that my doubts are totally unfounded but I say they are not if I still have questions.
Has anyone ever experienced something like this? He has said that he would talk to someone professionally with me but when I try to follow up with him on that he shuts down and won't talk about it. I don't believe it would be successful if I just make an appointment and tell him to go. I just want to discuss things openly. I'm scared and uncomfortable and I told him that but I'm willing to go there. He won't.
I'm feeling like my only option right now is to abandon this whole deal. I'm tired of fighting to get close to him or understand what is going on. Am I over-reacting to the toys or is that just a portion of the underlying communication problem? Thanks for any one that can share in similar situations.
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