Hi all. I've been lurking here reading alot, finally joined and going to tell my story. You all seem very wise and helpful, I need some support and opinions getting through this tough time.
Married for 13 years, W is 33, I'm 39. 3 kids, 12, 5, and 7 mos.
Our marriage has been mostly really good, we get along great, we are the best of friends, both still very in love and attracted to each other, sex has always been incredible, for both of us, and even during our rough spots in the past, and even now, which is the roughest time yet, we can still put aside our differences when we chose not to talk about our issues and enjoy each others company, family life, and enjoy life in the moment.
A bit of history to our problems:
After our first son was born, I was working full time to support us, W was becoming ever more critical, judgmental, demanding and just straight up annoying. Calling me like 5-7 times a day while I was at work to ask for my opinion and advise on anything and everything, my employers became agitated. This went on for months, I started to become annoyed at her apparent lack of confidence and self esteem, I tried my best to be supportive and sturdy. I thought how hard it must be to be a new mother and wife, possibly dealing with post depression, the birth was very hard and almost killed her, 3 days of intense labor, baby was born and she almost bled to death, I was there for the whole process, and we all lived, a healthy boy was born.
Anyway back to life after our new son, after about a year of adjusting to new family life, her insecurity was driving me away, I was just busy working everyday and each day I felt totally smothered. I came home every night and did my best to be a good man and supportive husband. A co-worker eventually caught my attention and she admitted her attraction to me, I was flattered but a married family man, and firm on that, and she knew it, because I told her so. As time went by I started liking the attention, she was independent, confident, didn't smother me, could care less to get any attention from me, and I knew that this is what healthy women are like. so naturally, I started realizing the woman I married was co-dependent, needy, lacking in self confidence and self esteem. I started drifting away. Myself, this co-worker I speak of and a few other friends got together for drinks after work one night, instead of going or calling home I stayed out and enjoyed myself, foolishly no t caring what my wife thought. We all stayed up drinking at a friends house till late just having a good time, this girl liked me, and she got close and we kissed, but both feeling instantly guilty, we said we better not do this, and that was the end of it. In the morning we all went out and got coffee, there was about 7 of us, Everyone knew my wife and my situation as most were mutual friends. I sat there feeling super guilty and knew that I shouldn't be in this marriage and should do the right thing and separate.
I've never been one to lie and have always courageously told the truth no matter the consequences. So when I returned home, naturally, W was very worried, upset, and very scared. I told her the whole story, and how I felt about it. She thanked me for being honest, but didn't believe that we didn't sleep together. I knew we didn't, so I didn't fret, I was more upset with myself for just going out all night without calling home and causing her so much pain, disrespect and grief, how selfish of me :(
She forgave me and we moved on, or, at least that's what I thought.
Another year or so goes by, and her insecurities just got worse, driving me further away, I started thinking maybe I was right to want to end this marriage so long ago instead of hanging on. By now she was openly critical, judgmental and I couldn't do anything right. I had switched jobs, and started my own business by this time. I was working the new business in the day, and had a new job at night, very taxing. W kept being a full time stay at home mom. As time went on she just became more and more angry and critical, it seemed nothing I did was good enough, no appreciation, just judgement and criticism. This was driving me crazy, and we just ended up fighting all the time. By this time the boy was about 1.5 years and I couldn't take it anymore, so I moved out. I moved to a small apt about 1 mile or so away, we shared custody passing our son off each week. W got a roomate to move in to the house and started working as much as she could. In this time, I met a single mom and we hit it off. we were both independent and had our own work, enjoyed each other in what I felt was a healthy way. I felt relieved that my marriage was over. I was moving on with my life. After about 3 months, my son started showing signs of anger, he hated being at my new place, and I started hating myself for putting him in this position. He missed his mom and I started feeling very sad about my choices and realized I had made a horrible mistake, he would start to cry and I would cry with him. I called it off with the other woman I had met, about a month went by and I couldn't take it anymore, I realized I missed my W and so did our son when he was at my place. So during my next week with our son I brought him to our old house where W still lived now with roomate. She welcomed us both in with open arms, I told her how I was feeling and she said she missed me too and hated this new arrangement. We took it slow and R.
We were back together and everything was wonderful again.
Things went fine until about 3 years went by. In that 3 years, it never felt like my W was all there, she wasn't all in. I started feeling neglected and lonely, and trying to talk with W about her feelings, she always avoided the subject and would become very agitated, sex had dropped off to about once every 2-3 weeks. The more I tried to talk about our relationship and how I didn't feel my needs were being met, or even cared about, she would get angry, and refuse to talk about it. I would ask her if she felt neglected and what I could do to help if she felt like I did, because I had a feeling she felt the same way. Our son was about 5 around this time. We had moved to another town and I was working a different job again, We had left our jobs/businesses and circle of friends in the past, still keeping in touch with a few old friends, the new town we moved to we met a wonderful new circle of mutual friends and it was great move. Great community, jobs were few and far between, but I managed to get full time work and supported us. Anyhow, after trying endlessly to connect with W and work on us, I gave up, she was just angry and wouldn't communicate, she didn't seem to care. So, I reached out to an old friend and told her my feelings, she was a mutual friend of W and I and she suggested we come with our son and visit. I told W this and she flipped out, wrote said friend a very angry e-mail to basically get lost cause you're messing with a married man. Uhhg. So I Tried again to tell W how I felt and she was just angry and at that point I said we should just end this marriage if you refuse to work on it or talk about it.That lasted for about a week, in house mini separation, we missed each others company and worked that one out. Well, I guess if you consider just stuffing your feelings and getting on with life.
So then, we moved yet again in search of a town with more and better work. We settled in another little town and I found stable full time work and our son started K. We had no problem easing into another new town and becoming apart of yet another new community. Work was plentiful, I continued working full time while W continued to be stay at home mom.
2 more years goes by, and just going through the motions. We continued to be a married couple, still loving and showing each other affection, not a whole lot of sex, sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month. She would never initiate it. Also would never talk about how she truly felt, I've always been willing to try and talk about our issues but just get met with anger and sarcasm and just get shut down and brick walled. Having enough of this, yet again I say ok enough of this, I want out of this M if you refuse to address our issues and work through your anger and resentment. So I decided I'm leaving this M. Then she drops a bomb, says she wants another child and if I don't give it to her she will find someone else to. Well that got my attention. I thought what it would be like to be baby daddy and have some other man involved, gross, so I caved. We had the best month ever of love, sex, and affection. We connected like never before and it seemed to re-rejuvenate our M. t hinking back it's pretty twisted and very unhealthy. We had another healthy boy with no probs this time, quick and easy birth.
So then, We moved, yet again. Still in search of a decent place to raise the kids with plentiful work, as the job I was doing kept us going but it wasn't getting us ahead.
We moved to the place we always wanted to move to, instead of going wherever the work was, as we knew there were endless opportunities for work, school, housing etc etc.
After our new move, and second child, she decided that she wanted to go to work, being sick of being a stay at home mom. So when our second boy was around 10 mos old she started working full time and on the side did some new training, started an even better job because of the new training while I played housemom. Because of this, our second son is stuck to me like glue, we bonded very closely, obviously I'm also very close to my first son, but he is very much like his mom, bomb temper, unable to deal with problems, reaches an angry point of no return and then just shuts off and needs to disappear. Our second son, not at all like that, he's a very happy boy, works through problems and emotions much smoother, and easy to coax a smile or laugh out of even in the middle of a tantrum.
Every child is different, and their own person, but it's safe to say our first child is just like his mom, and our second is just like me.
Anyhow, as screwed up as it may sound already, it's about to get worse. Keep in mind that 80% of the time during all these years going by I'm writing about, we love each others company, have a very easy time being together, have had an active social life, we both have activities and friends outside the M, not alot, but pretty normal I think for a married couple with kids. Neither of us works away or spends any time barhopping or being away or distant. Typically we have always spent the night together, both of us are committed to our family, but like I say, I feel like its an one sided relationship where W is cool with just going through the motions and not talking about the funk between us, which has been brewing resentment and anger as the years go by.
So ok, getting closer to the present is where this M is falling totally apart. So, first child is now 12, second is now in K, it's been 5 years since she dropped the "give me a child or someone else will" bomb.
We have been in the same place for 5 years now without moving, stability has been reached, I have good full time work, the kids are happy with their school, our first boy seems to be getting a handle on his temper and is getting much better at controlling himself and bouncing back, and his grades have improved, he is now actively having friends and having sleepovers and hanging out with kids his age after school and whatnot, younger boy is doing good in K.
As these last 5 years have gone by, our M was still pretty much the same, still good friends, we love each others company, sure we fight a bit but who doesn't. My work is going well, we aren't rich but we aren't starving and all the bills and rent are paid. But, sex dropped off to like once a month, and even when we did have it it seemed lifeless, like she was just "letting me" it's safe to say that I haven't felt like she has been "into me" for many years, we still hang out, give each other massages, but she hasn't initiated sex for years. Until, about 1.5 years ago, she started being a little more affectionate, started initiating sex a couple times, seemed like she actually wanted to. And then, I find some pre-natal meds in the closet. Having more kids was something we talked about, I was firm on not wanting anymore, and she knew where I stood on this. I then realized that she has been trying to get pregnant again, regardless of what I wanted, or, didn't want. This sex spel l and extra affection came after a couple years of me sleeping in the living room, slowly becoming uninterested in this M because of her continued unwillingness to talk about or work on her emotional needs being better met, and my sex needs being better met. I became uninterested in talking about our M because I'm met with anger, so I started to not care. Her response, she gets pregnant, KNOWING full well I didn't want more kids. O man.
So things are cool for about the first term, our third child. She refused to admit that she got pregnant on purpose even after I found the meds, we have times of unprotected sex when she knows she isn't ovulating, we've been doing this for over a decade and when she says we are "safe" to not use condoms and not get pregnant, she knows her body well, and she has never gotten pregnant when she says we are "safe" ...well, this time she says we are safe, and she got pregnant. I confronted her on her intentions and she said she didn't do it on purpose, that she was just horny. I know this is a lie. she set out to get pregnant whether I wanted it or not. This really pissed me off. I played it cool for a few months, thinking o well, another kid. But then I snapped. She continued to deny that she played me, so I thought this sucks, I deserve to be with someone who isn't such a lying sneak, someone who actually deserves my love and affection and will actually return it, I've always fe lt that she never really cared about my needs and was just in this for herself. So in my "fog", if you want to call it that, I know that term gets used for something different around here but I don't know what to call it. I re-connected with an teenage lover, hadn't seen or talked to her in 20 years, not in person mind you, just over the internet. I was so mad at my W, and reconnecting with my teenage love just totally set me off. We chatted and caught up on old times, chatted about whats been going on in our lives. When we were teenagers, we had a great puppy love relationship, totally in love, well, you know, teenage love. Anyhow, I broke up with her when we were kids after a 3 or 4 month thing, and she always stood out in my mind over the years. I felt guilty about breaking her heart when were were teenagers, and so now, I apologized, she cried, and gracefully accepted my apology and forgave me, 20 years too late she said, but thank you none the less. And then, after havi ng what I felt was a successful and reciprocated healthy adult interaction, I told her I loved her, and had never forgotten about her. I think she sensed something was wrong with me? and said that sits well with her, but what we had was teenage love, and I couldn't possibly be in love with her as we haven't even seen each other in 20 years. She told me It was a fantasy based on what we once had as kids, and that I should probably focus on the problems I currently face. And that my wife would probably very hurt and upset about me being so honest with her. ...It was a positive experience, she told me that she's flattered and thankful that I never forgot about her, as she said she has been going through life thinking she was a forgettable piece of trash, and she had recently left her abusive husband of 10 years, and was slowly putting her life back together....I was blown away, it reminded me that one person can truly make a difference, and me telling her my feelings was apart of her regaining her self esteem and healing after an abusive relationship.
Now like I said earlier, I've always been brutally honest and not afraid to own my mistakes and admit my downfalls, and never one to run around cheating and lying. I'm just a guy who wants, needs, and deserves to be in a healthy relationship, and has made many mistakes attempting to achieve it, or, maintain it.
After this interaction, I told my W everything about the interaction with this teenage girlfriend from my past.
She responded with "I forgive you, I love you and I always have"
But, days later, she started breaking down, saying that I've always been her "fallback girl" her plan B when my "affairs" don't pan out. That I don't actually love her, and if I did why would I be on the internet telling another woman I love her.
Totally understandable reaction, she is obviously very hurt.
As I started to unravel, my emotions have been all over the place, I started to realize that I have hurt so many people in my life, with my brutal honesty, and some things are better left unsaid.
W was going back and forth too, one day she's forgiving me and thanking me for being honest, next day she's mad and hurt.
Still refusing to admit she planned this one sided pregnancy, the focus was all on me and my stuff, and still I would try and focus on her and what she has done, and was met with hostility and unwillingness to admit her downfalls.
Everything was fine and cool while all the focus was on me and my issues.
And then one day, I wake up, and decide enough is enough, if she can't live up to her role in this mess, then I deserve to be with someone who loves and cherishes all of me, flaws and all, and also loves themselves, flaws and all, and has no problem communicating about hidden resentments and past anger, and has the guts to admit when wrong and move forward and heal.
So I totally lose it, and break up with my W.
I was so angry that I was learning so much about myself and was married to someone who kept the focus on me and my problems and was unwilling to look at themselves, which has been the foundation of our M, it's all me, I'm the cause of all her pain, I'm the reason anything goes wrong.
Not knowing that I didn't have my head on straight, I reach out to a longtime mutual friend, and tell her I am attracted to her.
She responded with "I'm flattered, but you need to be with your kids"
We stayed separated for about 2 months, neither of us went anywhere, I continued coming home from work everyday, just running the family. W was crushed beyond repair, she was about to have our 3rd child and M was over. After a couple months, we came back together and had a moment where we both admitted that we miss each other tons, and I admitted that I took her for granted, and she admitted the same. I finally realized and felt for real what she truly meant to me, and felt awful for dragging her through all this emotional crap, all the while pregnant too. We both felt awful, and we agreed to work it out, but lets take it slow.
3rd baby was born, another healthy boy.
We were back together and doing our best. Sex was more frequent then it had been for years, we were both paying more attention to each others needs, didn't fight about anything, we both just wanted peace. She agreed to talk to me about her feelings instead of stuffing and hiding them, and I agreed to listen more and pay more attention to her emotional needs.
A month goes by and she stops talking, my intuition was on overdrive, something was up.
I brought it up sometime later and she brushed it off, no I'm not stuffing anything everything is fine.
I knew something wasn't right, all of a sudden I started feeling very insecure that this was all going to fall apart again.
Sure enough, right around valentines day:
"I love you but I'm not in love with you"
"I'm changed forever, I'm sorry but I just can't give you my heart"
"I love you but I don't trust you"
"we can still co-parent and live together but I'm sorry I just can't be your wife"
I knew it was coming, I was dreading it, i was hoping I was just being paranoid. Well, I wasn't.
We have been separated for 6 weeks now, still living in the same house.
My emotions have been all over the place.
I try to talk and work it out, and she says she has closed up her heart to me, never to return again.
Now I can't even bring it up, I'm met with extreme anger and hostility, I'm now painted as a cereal cheater who has hurt her for the last time, and she's ending our M to save her sanity and protect her heart from me ever hurting her again.
She says she knows I will eventually need to get laid so I might as well go look for a date.
She is done with this M and has zero interest in hashing out our issues to R, no means no and done is done.
She doesn't want anything from me and is willing to go on welfare instead of working it out...yet, still makes future plans, we are moving into a new family home in a couple months.
Yet, she wants to take care of me, makes sure I have everything I need, caters to me at home. well, except for sex, I can't touch her anymore.
Everything is totally cool and fine as long as I keep my mouth shut and "keep the peace" "just be nice" and don't try to hash out our issues..
If and when I do, it's met with anger, and I'm painted as a troublemaker who is breaking the peace, just shutup, accept this separation as reality, and I'm not changing my mind. Ever.
Total non responsibility for the breakdown of this M, it's all me, she's put up with my **** for the last time, 100% victim
This, totally, sucks.
I've been on the emotional roller coaster for 6 weeks now, it's not as intense anymore, but comes in waves. I know she is sad too, she cries, and hides it.
What's a guy to do?
Married for 13 years, W is 33, I'm 39. 3 kids, 12, 5, and 7 mos.
Our marriage has been mostly really good, we get along great, we are the best of friends, both still very in love and attracted to each other, sex has always been incredible, for both of us, and even during our rough spots in the past, and even now, which is the roughest time yet, we can still put aside our differences when we chose not to talk about our issues and enjoy each others company, family life, and enjoy life in the moment.
A bit of history to our problems:
After our first son was born, I was working full time to support us, W was becoming ever more critical, judgmental, demanding and just straight up annoying. Calling me like 5-7 times a day while I was at work to ask for my opinion and advise on anything and everything, my employers became agitated. This went on for months, I started to become annoyed at her apparent lack of confidence and self esteem, I tried my best to be supportive and sturdy. I thought how hard it must be to be a new mother and wife, possibly dealing with post depression, the birth was very hard and almost killed her, 3 days of intense labor, baby was born and she almost bled to death, I was there for the whole process, and we all lived, a healthy boy was born.
Anyway back to life after our new son, after about a year of adjusting to new family life, her insecurity was driving me away, I was just busy working everyday and each day I felt totally smothered. I came home every night and did my best to be a good man and supportive husband. A co-worker eventually caught my attention and she admitted her attraction to me, I was flattered but a married family man, and firm on that, and she knew it, because I told her so. As time went by I started liking the attention, she was independent, confident, didn't smother me, could care less to get any attention from me, and I knew that this is what healthy women are like. so naturally, I started realizing the woman I married was co-dependent, needy, lacking in self confidence and self esteem. I started drifting away. Myself, this co-worker I speak of and a few other friends got together for drinks after work one night, instead of going or calling home I stayed out and enjoyed myself, foolishly no t caring what my wife thought. We all stayed up drinking at a friends house till late just having a good time, this girl liked me, and she got close and we kissed, but both feeling instantly guilty, we said we better not do this, and that was the end of it. In the morning we all went out and got coffee, there was about 7 of us, Everyone knew my wife and my situation as most were mutual friends. I sat there feeling super guilty and knew that I shouldn't be in this marriage and should do the right thing and separate.
I've never been one to lie and have always courageously told the truth no matter the consequences. So when I returned home, naturally, W was very worried, upset, and very scared. I told her the whole story, and how I felt about it. She thanked me for being honest, but didn't believe that we didn't sleep together. I knew we didn't, so I didn't fret, I was more upset with myself for just going out all night without calling home and causing her so much pain, disrespect and grief, how selfish of me :(
She forgave me and we moved on, or, at least that's what I thought.
Another year or so goes by, and her insecurities just got worse, driving me further away, I started thinking maybe I was right to want to end this marriage so long ago instead of hanging on. By now she was openly critical, judgmental and I couldn't do anything right. I had switched jobs, and started my own business by this time. I was working the new business in the day, and had a new job at night, very taxing. W kept being a full time stay at home mom. As time went on she just became more and more angry and critical, it seemed nothing I did was good enough, no appreciation, just judgement and criticism. This was driving me crazy, and we just ended up fighting all the time. By this time the boy was about 1.5 years and I couldn't take it anymore, so I moved out. I moved to a small apt about 1 mile or so away, we shared custody passing our son off each week. W got a roomate to move in to the house and started working as much as she could. In this time, I met a single mom and we hit it off. we were both independent and had our own work, enjoyed each other in what I felt was a healthy way. I felt relieved that my marriage was over. I was moving on with my life. After about 3 months, my son started showing signs of anger, he hated being at my new place, and I started hating myself for putting him in this position. He missed his mom and I started feeling very sad about my choices and realized I had made a horrible mistake, he would start to cry and I would cry with him. I called it off with the other woman I had met, about a month went by and I couldn't take it anymore, I realized I missed my W and so did our son when he was at my place. So during my next week with our son I brought him to our old house where W still lived now with roomate. She welcomed us both in with open arms, I told her how I was feeling and she said she missed me too and hated this new arrangement. We took it slow and R.
We were back together and everything was wonderful again.
Things went fine until about 3 years went by. In that 3 years, it never felt like my W was all there, she wasn't all in. I started feeling neglected and lonely, and trying to talk with W about her feelings, she always avoided the subject and would become very agitated, sex had dropped off to about once every 2-3 weeks. The more I tried to talk about our relationship and how I didn't feel my needs were being met, or even cared about, she would get angry, and refuse to talk about it. I would ask her if she felt neglected and what I could do to help if she felt like I did, because I had a feeling she felt the same way. Our son was about 5 around this time. We had moved to another town and I was working a different job again, We had left our jobs/businesses and circle of friends in the past, still keeping in touch with a few old friends, the new town we moved to we met a wonderful new circle of mutual friends and it was great move. Great community, jobs were few and far between, but I managed to get full time work and supported us. Anyhow, after trying endlessly to connect with W and work on us, I gave up, she was just angry and wouldn't communicate, she didn't seem to care. So, I reached out to an old friend and told her my feelings, she was a mutual friend of W and I and she suggested we come with our son and visit. I told W this and she flipped out, wrote said friend a very angry e-mail to basically get lost cause you're messing with a married man. Uhhg. So I Tried again to tell W how I felt and she was just angry and at that point I said we should just end this marriage if you refuse to work on it or talk about it.That lasted for about a week, in house mini separation, we missed each others company and worked that one out. Well, I guess if you consider just stuffing your feelings and getting on with life.
So then, we moved yet again in search of a town with more and better work. We settled in another little town and I found stable full time work and our son started K. We had no problem easing into another new town and becoming apart of yet another new community. Work was plentiful, I continued working full time while W continued to be stay at home mom.
2 more years goes by, and just going through the motions. We continued to be a married couple, still loving and showing each other affection, not a whole lot of sex, sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month. She would never initiate it. Also would never talk about how she truly felt, I've always been willing to try and talk about our issues but just get met with anger and sarcasm and just get shut down and brick walled. Having enough of this, yet again I say ok enough of this, I want out of this M if you refuse to address our issues and work through your anger and resentment. So I decided I'm leaving this M. Then she drops a bomb, says she wants another child and if I don't give it to her she will find someone else to. Well that got my attention. I thought what it would be like to be baby daddy and have some other man involved, gross, so I caved. We had the best month ever of love, sex, and affection. We connected like never before and it seemed to re-rejuvenate our M. t hinking back it's pretty twisted and very unhealthy. We had another healthy boy with no probs this time, quick and easy birth.
So then, We moved, yet again. Still in search of a decent place to raise the kids with plentiful work, as the job I was doing kept us going but it wasn't getting us ahead.
We moved to the place we always wanted to move to, instead of going wherever the work was, as we knew there were endless opportunities for work, school, housing etc etc.
After our new move, and second child, she decided that she wanted to go to work, being sick of being a stay at home mom. So when our second boy was around 10 mos old she started working full time and on the side did some new training, started an even better job because of the new training while I played housemom. Because of this, our second son is stuck to me like glue, we bonded very closely, obviously I'm also very close to my first son, but he is very much like his mom, bomb temper, unable to deal with problems, reaches an angry point of no return and then just shuts off and needs to disappear. Our second son, not at all like that, he's a very happy boy, works through problems and emotions much smoother, and easy to coax a smile or laugh out of even in the middle of a tantrum.
Every child is different, and their own person, but it's safe to say our first child is just like his mom, and our second is just like me.
Anyhow, as screwed up as it may sound already, it's about to get worse. Keep in mind that 80% of the time during all these years going by I'm writing about, we love each others company, have a very easy time being together, have had an active social life, we both have activities and friends outside the M, not alot, but pretty normal I think for a married couple with kids. Neither of us works away or spends any time barhopping or being away or distant. Typically we have always spent the night together, both of us are committed to our family, but like I say, I feel like its an one sided relationship where W is cool with just going through the motions and not talking about the funk between us, which has been brewing resentment and anger as the years go by.
So ok, getting closer to the present is where this M is falling totally apart. So, first child is now 12, second is now in K, it's been 5 years since she dropped the "give me a child or someone else will" bomb.
We have been in the same place for 5 years now without moving, stability has been reached, I have good full time work, the kids are happy with their school, our first boy seems to be getting a handle on his temper and is getting much better at controlling himself and bouncing back, and his grades have improved, he is now actively having friends and having sleepovers and hanging out with kids his age after school and whatnot, younger boy is doing good in K.
As these last 5 years have gone by, our M was still pretty much the same, still good friends, we love each others company, sure we fight a bit but who doesn't. My work is going well, we aren't rich but we aren't starving and all the bills and rent are paid. But, sex dropped off to like once a month, and even when we did have it it seemed lifeless, like she was just "letting me" it's safe to say that I haven't felt like she has been "into me" for many years, we still hang out, give each other massages, but she hasn't initiated sex for years. Until, about 1.5 years ago, she started being a little more affectionate, started initiating sex a couple times, seemed like she actually wanted to. And then, I find some pre-natal meds in the closet. Having more kids was something we talked about, I was firm on not wanting anymore, and she knew where I stood on this. I then realized that she has been trying to get pregnant again, regardless of what I wanted, or, didn't want. This sex spel l and extra affection came after a couple years of me sleeping in the living room, slowly becoming uninterested in this M because of her continued unwillingness to talk about or work on her emotional needs being better met, and my sex needs being better met. I became uninterested in talking about our M because I'm met with anger, so I started to not care. Her response, she gets pregnant, KNOWING full well I didn't want more kids. O man.
So things are cool for about the first term, our third child. She refused to admit that she got pregnant on purpose even after I found the meds, we have times of unprotected sex when she knows she isn't ovulating, we've been doing this for over a decade and when she says we are "safe" to not use condoms and not get pregnant, she knows her body well, and she has never gotten pregnant when she says we are "safe" ...well, this time she says we are safe, and she got pregnant. I confronted her on her intentions and she said she didn't do it on purpose, that she was just horny. I know this is a lie. she set out to get pregnant whether I wanted it or not. This really pissed me off. I played it cool for a few months, thinking o well, another kid. But then I snapped. She continued to deny that she played me, so I thought this sucks, I deserve to be with someone who isn't such a lying sneak, someone who actually deserves my love and affection and will actually return it, I've always fe lt that she never really cared about my needs and was just in this for herself. So in my "fog", if you want to call it that, I know that term gets used for something different around here but I don't know what to call it. I re-connected with an teenage lover, hadn't seen or talked to her in 20 years, not in person mind you, just over the internet. I was so mad at my W, and reconnecting with my teenage love just totally set me off. We chatted and caught up on old times, chatted about whats been going on in our lives. When we were teenagers, we had a great puppy love relationship, totally in love, well, you know, teenage love. Anyhow, I broke up with her when we were kids after a 3 or 4 month thing, and she always stood out in my mind over the years. I felt guilty about breaking her heart when were were teenagers, and so now, I apologized, she cried, and gracefully accepted my apology and forgave me, 20 years too late she said, but thank you none the less. And then, after havi ng what I felt was a successful and reciprocated healthy adult interaction, I told her I loved her, and had never forgotten about her. I think she sensed something was wrong with me? and said that sits well with her, but what we had was teenage love, and I couldn't possibly be in love with her as we haven't even seen each other in 20 years. She told me It was a fantasy based on what we once had as kids, and that I should probably focus on the problems I currently face. And that my wife would probably very hurt and upset about me being so honest with her. ...It was a positive experience, she told me that she's flattered and thankful that I never forgot about her, as she said she has been going through life thinking she was a forgettable piece of trash, and she had recently left her abusive husband of 10 years, and was slowly putting her life back together....I was blown away, it reminded me that one person can truly make a difference, and me telling her my feelings was apart of her regaining her self esteem and healing after an abusive relationship.
Now like I said earlier, I've always been brutally honest and not afraid to own my mistakes and admit my downfalls, and never one to run around cheating and lying. I'm just a guy who wants, needs, and deserves to be in a healthy relationship, and has made many mistakes attempting to achieve it, or, maintain it.
After this interaction, I told my W everything about the interaction with this teenage girlfriend from my past.
She responded with "I forgive you, I love you and I always have"
But, days later, she started breaking down, saying that I've always been her "fallback girl" her plan B when my "affairs" don't pan out. That I don't actually love her, and if I did why would I be on the internet telling another woman I love her.
Totally understandable reaction, she is obviously very hurt.
As I started to unravel, my emotions have been all over the place, I started to realize that I have hurt so many people in my life, with my brutal honesty, and some things are better left unsaid.
W was going back and forth too, one day she's forgiving me and thanking me for being honest, next day she's mad and hurt.
Still refusing to admit she planned this one sided pregnancy, the focus was all on me and my stuff, and still I would try and focus on her and what she has done, and was met with hostility and unwillingness to admit her downfalls.
Everything was fine and cool while all the focus was on me and my issues.
And then one day, I wake up, and decide enough is enough, if she can't live up to her role in this mess, then I deserve to be with someone who loves and cherishes all of me, flaws and all, and also loves themselves, flaws and all, and has no problem communicating about hidden resentments and past anger, and has the guts to admit when wrong and move forward and heal.
So I totally lose it, and break up with my W.
I was so angry that I was learning so much about myself and was married to someone who kept the focus on me and my problems and was unwilling to look at themselves, which has been the foundation of our M, it's all me, I'm the cause of all her pain, I'm the reason anything goes wrong.
Not knowing that I didn't have my head on straight, I reach out to a longtime mutual friend, and tell her I am attracted to her.
She responded with "I'm flattered, but you need to be with your kids"
We stayed separated for about 2 months, neither of us went anywhere, I continued coming home from work everyday, just running the family. W was crushed beyond repair, she was about to have our 3rd child and M was over. After a couple months, we came back together and had a moment where we both admitted that we miss each other tons, and I admitted that I took her for granted, and she admitted the same. I finally realized and felt for real what she truly meant to me, and felt awful for dragging her through all this emotional crap, all the while pregnant too. We both felt awful, and we agreed to work it out, but lets take it slow.
3rd baby was born, another healthy boy.
We were back together and doing our best. Sex was more frequent then it had been for years, we were both paying more attention to each others needs, didn't fight about anything, we both just wanted peace. She agreed to talk to me about her feelings instead of stuffing and hiding them, and I agreed to listen more and pay more attention to her emotional needs.
A month goes by and she stops talking, my intuition was on overdrive, something was up.
I brought it up sometime later and she brushed it off, no I'm not stuffing anything everything is fine.
I knew something wasn't right, all of a sudden I started feeling very insecure that this was all going to fall apart again.
Sure enough, right around valentines day:
"I love you but I'm not in love with you"
"I'm changed forever, I'm sorry but I just can't give you my heart"
"I love you but I don't trust you"
"we can still co-parent and live together but I'm sorry I just can't be your wife"
I knew it was coming, I was dreading it, i was hoping I was just being paranoid. Well, I wasn't.
We have been separated for 6 weeks now, still living in the same house.
My emotions have been all over the place.
I try to talk and work it out, and she says she has closed up her heart to me, never to return again.
Now I can't even bring it up, I'm met with extreme anger and hostility, I'm now painted as a cereal cheater who has hurt her for the last time, and she's ending our M to save her sanity and protect her heart from me ever hurting her again.
She says she knows I will eventually need to get laid so I might as well go look for a date.
She is done with this M and has zero interest in hashing out our issues to R, no means no and done is done.
She doesn't want anything from me and is willing to go on welfare instead of working it out...yet, still makes future plans, we are moving into a new family home in a couple months.
Yet, she wants to take care of me, makes sure I have everything I need, caters to me at home. well, except for sex, I can't touch her anymore.
Everything is totally cool and fine as long as I keep my mouth shut and "keep the peace" "just be nice" and don't try to hash out our issues..
If and when I do, it's met with anger, and I'm painted as a troublemaker who is breaking the peace, just shutup, accept this separation as reality, and I'm not changing my mind. Ever.
Total non responsibility for the breakdown of this M, it's all me, she's put up with my **** for the last time, 100% victim
This, totally, sucks.
I've been on the emotional roller coaster for 6 weeks now, it's not as intense anymore, but comes in waves. I know she is sad too, she cries, and hides it.
What's a guy to do?
Put the internet to work for you.
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