Alright, I'm not sure if this is the right forum/allowed-- since I'm not married... But I hope it's okay to ask on this site anyway, because I'm dating for marriage and so I'm not really interested in "relationship advice" from a bunch of singles, I want people who actually know what they're talking about.
Basically, I'm going out with someone. We were set up on a blind date, actually.
My first physical impression of him-- "eh." (Not particularly repulsive, not particularly attractive).
First date conversation flowed very comfortably.
We continued going out.
As things started to get serious, I started to panic. Because in my head he makes sense (there's one or two issues I'm concerned about, ideological disagreements, but we've been discussing/negotiating those) but I am not feeling anything.
I even am (intellectually) aware he has traits I have admired/been attracted to in other people before, but for some reason it refuses to -click-.
He is a very good person. Considerate, helpful, smart, not arrogant, has a silly sense of humor. I have yet to meet a single person who knows him who isn't all praise.
My brain is busy flailing around trying to whip my stupid hormones into doing their job and creating an attachment. (Possibly doing more harm than good, trying too hard to "Feel it" might have made any budding feelings shrivel)
Meanwhile the guy has told me during a relationship-where-are-we talk that feelings-wise he's at a stage with me past what he's felt for any other girl.
My internal dialogue: oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttt
trying to figure out what's going on with me and whether there's anything that can be done to solve it, i came up with two options.
1. it's subconscious, pheromones, whatever, and there's not really much i can do about it.
2. it has definitely been me setting the pace of the relationship and maybe that's the problem. I'm the one pushing for "deeper" (because i keep hoping if we keep moving forward in the relationship at some point we'll hit the level where something clicks for me). As a result, I'm bearing the brunt of the back-and-forth is-this-isn't-this decision-making-- after all, every time I take a step forward I'm first spending ages weighing if the possible benefit (of finally hitting the click) outweighs the cost (additional emotional investment making this much much more painful to break off if it ends).
He's very much a "responding" type, he waits for cues from me and then responds accordingly. Whereas I haven't been given as much chance to "respond" in kind, i.e. he doesn't really initiate in such a way that i have to react, think on my feet. It's very very much tentatively feeling out if things are okay with me. (whereas I'm the one bulldozing with the "this might be uncomfortable for you but I'll ask anyway"). And to be honest I like that kind of give- in a relationship, but not for so much of it! I want it to be a back-and-forth give-and-take, like maybe 50/50, whereas we're running more like 90/10 right now.
the problem with #2 is:
1. I'm not certain it's the problem. i.e., the problem might be #1. the problem might be lingering doubts over issues and concerns. the problem might be inner fears on my part i haven't yet consciously uncovered and brought to light. it is possible that if #2 gets resolved I still won't be feeling anything
2. Even if #2 is the problem, how on earth am i supposed to get it addressed? The problem is if I straight out tell him "Give me a date where you decide everything-- I mean everything-- conversation topic, venue, etc" it'll just be more of the same-- me directing what I want, him responding. Albeit in a more meta way.
I don't even know how to express to him the balance of what I want, that I really appreciate his consideration (it's why I haven't ended the relationship and why I still want it to work out...) but that I need something else as well, that I don't seem to be able to coherently express.
(It's a pretty delicate balance for me, because feeling dominated in an arrogant way (read:ignored) turns me off faster than a circuit breaker...)
So two questions:
1. Am I wrong, and if the click isn't there it also ain't gonna be there, and this relationship is therefore not salvageable and I should just end it asap so that I don't cause further emotional pain than what I'm already guaranteed to cause?
2. If not, is there any effective way to make the dynamic change? Is there a delicate way of expressing to a guy "I'd like you to lead more"?
(Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh I feel like such a mean shrew =( dkjfhdsk)
Thanks guys.
Edit: bought some groceries, thought some thoughts.
1. as should be obvious form the fact we're even in this situation, i'm not a submissive type and him going full on dominant would be 1. impossible for him 2. not what i want. I'm just also not dominant-- I'm a switch, I like both, and only one or only the other gets annoying/boring
2. there's possible a different way of phrasing this problem.
right now, something he could do that would make me quite happy is buy me a gift.
the reason for this, and the reason why i can't tell him this, is as follows:
I'm not really into gifts and they've never been a big love language for me.
However, since I have given no indication of wanting a gift-- it follows that, if he were to get me a gift, (and I'm even talking a 2$ joke gift here), he'd be doing something that I've given zero prior cue of "being okay" with, which means he'd be taking a risk / pushing me a little. We're not exactly talking jerk-y behavior, here, but still, a gift is a bit of a possessive, slightly controlling statement.
So I wouldn't really care about the gift but I'd deeply value the risk-taking behind it.
and the key word here might be "pursuit".
forget dominant/submissive/whatever.
i feel like he's into me, but i don't feel like he's actively, risk-takingly trying to win me over. he's being too cautious. I mean if he's really so emotionally invested i guess i should have sympathy for why he wants to be cautious, but i don't, i wish he'd be braver.
((and of course part of the problem here might very well be that he has no idea of how much legwork he still has to do to win me over because it's not unreasonable that he's reading into me much more interest than I'm feeling. xdlkjjgfslkdfjgdjlkgjlkkjl))
Basically, I'm going out with someone. We were set up on a blind date, actually.
My first physical impression of him-- "eh." (Not particularly repulsive, not particularly attractive).
First date conversation flowed very comfortably.
We continued going out.
As things started to get serious, I started to panic. Because in my head he makes sense (there's one or two issues I'm concerned about, ideological disagreements, but we've been discussing/negotiating those) but I am not feeling anything.
I even am (intellectually) aware he has traits I have admired/been attracted to in other people before, but for some reason it refuses to -click-.
He is a very good person. Considerate, helpful, smart, not arrogant, has a silly sense of humor. I have yet to meet a single person who knows him who isn't all praise.
My brain is busy flailing around trying to whip my stupid hormones into doing their job and creating an attachment. (Possibly doing more harm than good, trying too hard to "Feel it" might have made any budding feelings shrivel)
Meanwhile the guy has told me during a relationship-where-are-we talk that feelings-wise he's at a stage with me past what he's felt for any other girl.
My internal dialogue: oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttt
trying to figure out what's going on with me and whether there's anything that can be done to solve it, i came up with two options.
1. it's subconscious, pheromones, whatever, and there's not really much i can do about it.
2. it has definitely been me setting the pace of the relationship and maybe that's the problem. I'm the one pushing for "deeper" (because i keep hoping if we keep moving forward in the relationship at some point we'll hit the level where something clicks for me). As a result, I'm bearing the brunt of the back-and-forth is-this-isn't-this decision-making-- after all, every time I take a step forward I'm first spending ages weighing if the possible benefit (of finally hitting the click) outweighs the cost (additional emotional investment making this much much more painful to break off if it ends).
He's very much a "responding" type, he waits for cues from me and then responds accordingly. Whereas I haven't been given as much chance to "respond" in kind, i.e. he doesn't really initiate in such a way that i have to react, think on my feet. It's very very much tentatively feeling out if things are okay with me. (whereas I'm the one bulldozing with the "this might be uncomfortable for you but I'll ask anyway"). And to be honest I like that kind of give- in a relationship, but not for so much of it! I want it to be a back-and-forth give-and-take, like maybe 50/50, whereas we're running more like 90/10 right now.
the problem with #2 is:
1. I'm not certain it's the problem. i.e., the problem might be #1. the problem might be lingering doubts over issues and concerns. the problem might be inner fears on my part i haven't yet consciously uncovered and brought to light. it is possible that if #2 gets resolved I still won't be feeling anything
2. Even if #2 is the problem, how on earth am i supposed to get it addressed? The problem is if I straight out tell him "Give me a date where you decide everything-- I mean everything-- conversation topic, venue, etc" it'll just be more of the same-- me directing what I want, him responding. Albeit in a more meta way.
I don't even know how to express to him the balance of what I want, that I really appreciate his consideration (it's why I haven't ended the relationship and why I still want it to work out...) but that I need something else as well, that I don't seem to be able to coherently express.
(It's a pretty delicate balance for me, because feeling dominated in an arrogant way (read:ignored) turns me off faster than a circuit breaker...)
So two questions:
1. Am I wrong, and if the click isn't there it also ain't gonna be there, and this relationship is therefore not salvageable and I should just end it asap so that I don't cause further emotional pain than what I'm already guaranteed to cause?
2. If not, is there any effective way to make the dynamic change? Is there a delicate way of expressing to a guy "I'd like you to lead more"?
(Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh I feel like such a mean shrew =( dkjfhdsk)
Thanks guys.
Edit: bought some groceries, thought some thoughts.
1. as should be obvious form the fact we're even in this situation, i'm not a submissive type and him going full on dominant would be 1. impossible for him 2. not what i want. I'm just also not dominant-- I'm a switch, I like both, and only one or only the other gets annoying/boring
2. there's possible a different way of phrasing this problem.
right now, something he could do that would make me quite happy is buy me a gift.
the reason for this, and the reason why i can't tell him this, is as follows:
I'm not really into gifts and they've never been a big love language for me.
However, since I have given no indication of wanting a gift-- it follows that, if he were to get me a gift, (and I'm even talking a 2$ joke gift here), he'd be doing something that I've given zero prior cue of "being okay" with, which means he'd be taking a risk / pushing me a little. We're not exactly talking jerk-y behavior, here, but still, a gift is a bit of a possessive, slightly controlling statement.
So I wouldn't really care about the gift but I'd deeply value the risk-taking behind it.
and the key word here might be "pursuit".
forget dominant/submissive/whatever.
i feel like he's into me, but i don't feel like he's actively, risk-takingly trying to win me over. he's being too cautious. I mean if he's really so emotionally invested i guess i should have sympathy for why he wants to be cautious, but i don't, i wish he'd be braver.
((and of course part of the problem here might very well be that he has no idea of how much legwork he still has to do to win me over because it's not unreasonable that he's reading into me much more interest than I'm feeling. xdlkjjgfslkdfjgdjlkgjlkkjl))
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