I was sleeping in my own bed tonight as I have been for a few weeks. I couldn't sleep so I happened upon a movie called, "The Bells of Saint Mary" staring Bing Crosby and Ingram Burg man. I'm sure that a lot of you on here might remember the movie. It's about a Catholic School, Children & what they learn in life in order to get through it.
I went to 8 yrs. of Catholic School and was happy that I was able to go. I learned a lot about what was right and what was wrong. I learned my core values there, along with what I learned at home. Everything was Black & White! If it was wrong, you didn't do it. That little angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other would always be there for you to choose from. I had the strangest experience as I watched the movie. The girls were about 12 and looked so innocent and happy and full of joy about what their life would be like. I could picture myself and actual did in the face of one of the girls. I saw the smile, I felt myself back in that place where she was and I was a 12 year old young lady that knew, as long as I was a good person inside that life would be fair and good, or at least as good as possible. Because I was a good person inside and I wasn't going to hurt anyone and expected for life to treat me the same way as long as I made the right choices. My core of my bei ng was formed in those 8 years and I lived my life by them. It was who I was and wanted to be. I felt good about myself and the person that I was. I know this might not make a lot of sense, but bear with me.
I was raised with those beliefs. I married a young Catholic man, who was able to go to 12 yrs. of Catholic School. I met him at 16 and we got married at 18. We were both very mature for our age, at least I thought we were. We were both first lovers and had never been with any one else. I thought that I had done everything right to have a good marriage and to love him with all my heart. I would never intentionally hurt him and if I did, I would apologize right away. But, looking back on my life now, I realized that he really wasn't ready for marriage. Sure he loved me, the only way that he thought love was, but I found out later that his was a selfish love.
When they started playing and singing "The Bells of St. Mary" I laid in my bed and started singing along with them. It was so strange, I felt like I was in that movie and I was 12 years old again and was so happy. Then it hit me, no I wasn't! Life isn't like that. It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, you can never be sure of your spouse or anyone else not to deliberately hurt you. I wanted so bad to go back in time and be that young girl again and not to have my husband hurt me so bad with his affair. Not to break our marriage vows. To be the person that I thought I married, but none of that was to be. His love for me wasn't strong enough for him to put me first in his life and that's what true love is. Just because he thought I would never find out, thus not get hurt, didn't make it right.
I could go on and on with this story, but we've all been there. I just felt the need to get out of bed and write this as it was such a powerful moment to me. I don't know how he expects me to forgive him again? I did it after the first affair, but it took 5 yrs. We cruised along for another 20 yrs. then he became more unloving and drinking more, but you've heard the story, so you know everything came back to me.
I'm not even sure what the point of this story is, except that a young girls dreams of what her life might turn out to be wasn't true. It doesn't change the fact that my core values will never change. It just hardened me and that happy girl doesn't exist anymore and that's just sad.
Not sure where it's going to end, but I think it's coming soon. I want to be happy again and I am when I'm not around him. Even at 70 we still deserve to have the remaining years be happy ones.
Thanks for listening,
Granny7
PS: I do know about all the bad things that happened in Catholic Schools, but that's not what I was writing about. My experiences, along with my H's were good.
I went to 8 yrs. of Catholic School and was happy that I was able to go. I learned a lot about what was right and what was wrong. I learned my core values there, along with what I learned at home. Everything was Black & White! If it was wrong, you didn't do it. That little angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other would always be there for you to choose from. I had the strangest experience as I watched the movie. The girls were about 12 and looked so innocent and happy and full of joy about what their life would be like. I could picture myself and actual did in the face of one of the girls. I saw the smile, I felt myself back in that place where she was and I was a 12 year old young lady that knew, as long as I was a good person inside that life would be fair and good, or at least as good as possible. Because I was a good person inside and I wasn't going to hurt anyone and expected for life to treat me the same way as long as I made the right choices. My core of my bei ng was formed in those 8 years and I lived my life by them. It was who I was and wanted to be. I felt good about myself and the person that I was. I know this might not make a lot of sense, but bear with me.
I was raised with those beliefs. I married a young Catholic man, who was able to go to 12 yrs. of Catholic School. I met him at 16 and we got married at 18. We were both very mature for our age, at least I thought we were. We were both first lovers and had never been with any one else. I thought that I had done everything right to have a good marriage and to love him with all my heart. I would never intentionally hurt him and if I did, I would apologize right away. But, looking back on my life now, I realized that he really wasn't ready for marriage. Sure he loved me, the only way that he thought love was, but I found out later that his was a selfish love.
When they started playing and singing "The Bells of St. Mary" I laid in my bed and started singing along with them. It was so strange, I felt like I was in that movie and I was 12 years old again and was so happy. Then it hit me, no I wasn't! Life isn't like that. It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, you can never be sure of your spouse or anyone else not to deliberately hurt you. I wanted so bad to go back in time and be that young girl again and not to have my husband hurt me so bad with his affair. Not to break our marriage vows. To be the person that I thought I married, but none of that was to be. His love for me wasn't strong enough for him to put me first in his life and that's what true love is. Just because he thought I would never find out, thus not get hurt, didn't make it right.
I could go on and on with this story, but we've all been there. I just felt the need to get out of bed and write this as it was such a powerful moment to me. I don't know how he expects me to forgive him again? I did it after the first affair, but it took 5 yrs. We cruised along for another 20 yrs. then he became more unloving and drinking more, but you've heard the story, so you know everything came back to me.
I'm not even sure what the point of this story is, except that a young girls dreams of what her life might turn out to be wasn't true. It doesn't change the fact that my core values will never change. It just hardened me and that happy girl doesn't exist anymore and that's just sad.
Not sure where it's going to end, but I think it's coming soon. I want to be happy again and I am when I'm not around him. Even at 70 we still deserve to have the remaining years be happy ones.
Thanks for listening,
Granny7
PS: I do know about all the bad things that happened in Catholic Schools, but that's not what I was writing about. My experiences, along with my H's were good.
Put the internet to work for you.
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