Apologies in advance I wrote this extremely late at night, I am sure you will understand.
Like many of you, I recently discovered the woman I love violated my trust and is having an EA with another man.
This is my story:
---------------------------------------------------------
BH - 30 yrs old
WW -29 yrs old housewife
OM - 38 yrs old (he told her he is single, lives 18hrs away)
Married 5.5 years, together 8 years. 2 children, 1.3 year old and a 3.5 year old.
WW and BS were going through tough times. A little over 2 years ago we moved across the country for a job, we bought a house, and just got pregnant with our youngest child. Then BS was laid off. BS was fortunate to get another good job but that required us to move again, away from the house we just bought. And to make matters worse we had to move into a tiny apartment. We both have not been happy in this location; we have no family here, and little/no friends. WW and BS stopped adding momentum to our relationship and coasted. This was the cause of our future problems.
Fast forward to a little over a year ago, 2nd child was born. BS slacked on responsibilities as a husband/father in order to concentrate on work (overtime). WW has difficulty making it to church on Sundays because BS was not able to help her. She stops going. WW now loses all sense of community/purpose/identity due to lack of church and lack of husband. Wife starts playing MMO to fill the void. WW starts spending 40-50 hours per week on game. WW starts ignoring responsibilities to family: stops making non-microwaveable meals, does not take children outside, and stops maintaining home. This caused many fights when BS pointed it out. Over several months, it started with suggestions to do things, then to telling her to do things, then demanding, then yelling.
Due to how much time WW was spending on game, naturally she made friends. OM was on the game as much as she was. They obviously spoke daily. WW likely complained about husband to OM at some point. Aug2013 BS caught her flirting with OM online, WW denies, said she didn't mean to, blah blah. BS tells WW to quit the game, that it is destroying our marriage. WW says she won't quit, but will try to cut back on game time. BS asks her to limit the amount of 1on1 speaking time with OM and to only talk about the game and not about our life. WW made extremely modest cuts to her time online.
Oct2013 WW spends several thousand dollars on medical procedure without consulting BS to enhance her external beauty. WW claims it was something she always wanted, BS said that's no excuse to spend that much money without even talking about it. Fights ensue.
Early Nov2013 WW spends several thousand dollars on online education to pursue a possible job, again little/no consultation with BS. She claimed it was to stop complaining about her not doing anything. BS is upset but eventually forgives because anything was better than the game.
Late Nov2013, after a fight due to the withholding of sex for the past month, WW says she wants separation. BS starts working on problem areas of marriage WW identified. BS notices increase protectionism of phone, waits for WW to shower then goes through contact list. BS confronts WW about OM's number being in cell phone. WW justifies by saying facebook must have imported contact information (facebook app can actually do that on smartphones). WW turns on BS saying I can't believe you betrayed my trust by going through my phone. Then adds passcode to phone, changes passwords on computer, emails, and others. Electronic life becomes Alcatraz.
Mid Dec2013 WW says she needs to be apart in order to heal from trust violation, moves into her own apartment and starts seeing an IC.
Late Dec2013 BS writes WW a poem for Christmas gift, saying he wants to go to MC together and admits to all the problems that WW identified. WW says she will ask her IC on Jan 9th for a MC reference. WW goes completely cold following this.
Jan 9th WW says her IC wants us both to go into a therapy session soon.
Jan 13th WW give BS a letter saying she wants a divorce and that she is not interested in MC. BS completely confused, goes searching for answers in WW apartment while she was out a few days later. Discovered undeniable proof; unsent love-letters written to OM. She has quit her game, but obviously continuing her EA.
Jan 28th Separated finances
End of story
---------------------------------------------------------
While I love my wife, I can move on. My biggest concern in all this is our children, My 3.5 year old asks me questions everyday like "why does mommy not live here?" to which I am forced to tell him 'because we wanted to have 2 houses now so that way we have space to put all of your toys!'. The other day he asked me to draw a 'treasure map' of the living room and pointed out the fact that some furniture and mommy's laptop were missing from the map. I care about the happiness of my children more than what is probably healthy and this kills me. I can feel my life expectancy shortening every time he asks why mommy can't stay at our apartment when she drops them off when I get out of work. I think that I can even forgive something that I told myself that I would never forgive. For them. I must find the strength.
I am 98% certain this is just EA not a PA. Logistically it would have been very difficult, but you never know.
I haven't revealed the affair yet because I want it to be in front of a 3rd party so I don't throat punch her and because I want to make sure she is forced to talk about it. We are going to her IC session on Feb 6th and I can finally unload the weight I have been carrying for the past 2 weeks.
My plan so far:
I am thinking that I will start by talking about the list of problems we had in our marriage. And how I am fixing those things because I want to be better man and father, with or without her. Then say something like "But those aren't the only problems in our marriage, WW, I know that you have been having an affair. This type of behavior is completely inexcusable for a married woman and I would like to hear what you have to say about it."
Not knowing how she will react, I do not really know how to proceed. Should this confrontation be the time where I draw lines in the sand regarding cutting off all contact? Or should I save that for when she is actually showing some signs of remorse? This is uncharted territory for me and I am asking for advice from others who have been down this path.
I have read a few resources in the past 2 weeks like Plan A, Plan B (180), exposing it to family/friends, and many other things. But I am not sure what should be done during the initial confrontation.
I know the strategic plan of attack, I am having difficulties with the tactical.
Like many of you, I recently discovered the woman I love violated my trust and is having an EA with another man.
This is my story:
---------------------------------------------------------
BH - 30 yrs old
WW -29 yrs old housewife
OM - 38 yrs old (he told her he is single, lives 18hrs away)
Married 5.5 years, together 8 years. 2 children, 1.3 year old and a 3.5 year old.
WW and BS were going through tough times. A little over 2 years ago we moved across the country for a job, we bought a house, and just got pregnant with our youngest child. Then BS was laid off. BS was fortunate to get another good job but that required us to move again, away from the house we just bought. And to make matters worse we had to move into a tiny apartment. We both have not been happy in this location; we have no family here, and little/no friends. WW and BS stopped adding momentum to our relationship and coasted. This was the cause of our future problems.
Fast forward to a little over a year ago, 2nd child was born. BS slacked on responsibilities as a husband/father in order to concentrate on work (overtime). WW has difficulty making it to church on Sundays because BS was not able to help her. She stops going. WW now loses all sense of community/purpose/identity due to lack of church and lack of husband. Wife starts playing MMO to fill the void. WW starts spending 40-50 hours per week on game. WW starts ignoring responsibilities to family: stops making non-microwaveable meals, does not take children outside, and stops maintaining home. This caused many fights when BS pointed it out. Over several months, it started with suggestions to do things, then to telling her to do things, then demanding, then yelling.
Due to how much time WW was spending on game, naturally she made friends. OM was on the game as much as she was. They obviously spoke daily. WW likely complained about husband to OM at some point. Aug2013 BS caught her flirting with OM online, WW denies, said she didn't mean to, blah blah. BS tells WW to quit the game, that it is destroying our marriage. WW says she won't quit, but will try to cut back on game time. BS asks her to limit the amount of 1on1 speaking time with OM and to only talk about the game and not about our life. WW made extremely modest cuts to her time online.
Oct2013 WW spends several thousand dollars on medical procedure without consulting BS to enhance her external beauty. WW claims it was something she always wanted, BS said that's no excuse to spend that much money without even talking about it. Fights ensue.
Early Nov2013 WW spends several thousand dollars on online education to pursue a possible job, again little/no consultation with BS. She claimed it was to stop complaining about her not doing anything. BS is upset but eventually forgives because anything was better than the game.
Late Nov2013, after a fight due to the withholding of sex for the past month, WW says she wants separation. BS starts working on problem areas of marriage WW identified. BS notices increase protectionism of phone, waits for WW to shower then goes through contact list. BS confronts WW about OM's number being in cell phone. WW justifies by saying facebook must have imported contact information (facebook app can actually do that on smartphones). WW turns on BS saying I can't believe you betrayed my trust by going through my phone. Then adds passcode to phone, changes passwords on computer, emails, and others. Electronic life becomes Alcatraz.
Mid Dec2013 WW says she needs to be apart in order to heal from trust violation, moves into her own apartment and starts seeing an IC.
Late Dec2013 BS writes WW a poem for Christmas gift, saying he wants to go to MC together and admits to all the problems that WW identified. WW says she will ask her IC on Jan 9th for a MC reference. WW goes completely cold following this.
Jan 9th WW says her IC wants us both to go into a therapy session soon.
Jan 13th WW give BS a letter saying she wants a divorce and that she is not interested in MC. BS completely confused, goes searching for answers in WW apartment while she was out a few days later. Discovered undeniable proof; unsent love-letters written to OM. She has quit her game, but obviously continuing her EA.
Jan 28th Separated finances
End of story
---------------------------------------------------------
While I love my wife, I can move on. My biggest concern in all this is our children, My 3.5 year old asks me questions everyday like "why does mommy not live here?" to which I am forced to tell him 'because we wanted to have 2 houses now so that way we have space to put all of your toys!'. The other day he asked me to draw a 'treasure map' of the living room and pointed out the fact that some furniture and mommy's laptop were missing from the map. I care about the happiness of my children more than what is probably healthy and this kills me. I can feel my life expectancy shortening every time he asks why mommy can't stay at our apartment when she drops them off when I get out of work. I think that I can even forgive something that I told myself that I would never forgive. For them. I must find the strength.
I am 98% certain this is just EA not a PA. Logistically it would have been very difficult, but you never know.
I haven't revealed the affair yet because I want it to be in front of a 3rd party so I don't throat punch her and because I want to make sure she is forced to talk about it. We are going to her IC session on Feb 6th and I can finally unload the weight I have been carrying for the past 2 weeks.
My plan so far:
I am thinking that I will start by talking about the list of problems we had in our marriage. And how I am fixing those things because I want to be better man and father, with or without her. Then say something like "But those aren't the only problems in our marriage, WW, I know that you have been having an affair. This type of behavior is completely inexcusable for a married woman and I would like to hear what you have to say about it."
Not knowing how she will react, I do not really know how to proceed. Should this confrontation be the time where I draw lines in the sand regarding cutting off all contact? Or should I save that for when she is actually showing some signs of remorse? This is uncharted territory for me and I am asking for advice from others who have been down this path.
I have read a few resources in the past 2 weeks like Plan A, Plan B (180), exposing it to family/friends, and many other things. But I am not sure what should be done during the initial confrontation.
I know the strategic plan of attack, I am having difficulties with the tactical.
Put the internet to work for you.
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