Long post warning.
The basics: My wife and I are both 25 with no kids. We have been married a little over a year, and were engaged for a year. We met seven years ago in college and dated on and off.
The main problem: Sexual intimacy (and any intimacy, e.g., affectionate kissing, hand holding, etc.) has almost died off completely. We have sex now maybe once to twice a month.
The details:
My wife and I met in college and dated on and off for several years. We were inseparable and enjoyed each other's company very much. We took a break from the relationship for a few months because I was so busy with studies but then got back together. The sex was frequent–maybe once a week on average but we had our multiple go's per night. We were both quite adventurous. Over the years the frequency began to die down a little bit as expected. After we both graduated I finally proposed. Everything was peachy. After we were engaged the sex really started to die down (a few times a month). I brought it to her attention to make sure nothing was wrong. She said that for religious reasons, she started to feel guilty about it and proposed the idea that we wait the last couple of months of our engagement period until we got married to have sex again. I completely understood and did not see anything unreasonable about this request (other than, as a guy, a couple of months can seem like an eternity). We get married and of course did it on our wedding night. However, during our honeymoon period (10 days) we did it maybe twice. That was a minor red flag to me but nothing major.
Other the next couple of months the frequency is down to 1 to 2 times a month. Each time I made a move she gave the typical excuses: too tired, not in the mood, have to get up early, the planets aren't aligned, etc. I am rejected over and over again and eventually it starts to wear on my confidence. So I initiate less and less. I'm in good physical shape and overall I believe (so she says) I'm a good husband. She actually brags on me to her friends and family about how happy she is with me. So I'm at a loss as to what is going on. Every time I bring up the issue she says she will work on it, and that's the last I hear of it from her. It never gets any better and she never brings it up. She actually prefers to avoid the conversation altogether.
Fast forward to last month…and nothing has improved. I text her on her day off from work and tell her we really need to talk. So we meet for lunch and I let her know just how much of an issue this is for me and that we really need to work together to fix it. As usual, she doesn't really have a conversation with me she just apologizes and says that she will really work on it this time. A month has gone by and the frequency is exactly the same. At this point I am very frustrated and I always try to maintain my composure and have an adult, levelheaded conversation without being accusatory. I told her that this has been going on for quite some time and I'm losing my patience. I let her know that I love her very much and want this to work, but if this continues indefinitely I can't stay in the marriage. On the inside I am so angry and frustrated and no closer to figuring out what is going on and no explanation because she hates having a conversation about this topic.
After telling her this, she finally gives me something to ponder. She says, "I've never really been that into sex. At first it was new and exciting but then the newness wore off. I don't ever really think about sex except maybe once a month. I just don't get turned on by you (that much) and definitely not anyone else for that matter." Well then…that sure would have been nice to know before we got married. That might explain why she never masturbates, I don't know. I'm starting to think she is just not a very sexual person but acted like it until we got married.
Secondary marital issues:
I don't feel like I can be open with her anymore. I'm just not comfortable talking about my personal thoughts (work, aspirations, desires, problems, ideas, etc.). I feel completely emotionally disconnected. I feel as though I'm at the end of my line.
I'm beginning to resent her now. It feels like we are roommates instead of lovers. I don't look forward to being around her, and I'm no longer emotionally attracted to her (sometimes not physically attracted to her either, I think this stems from the emotional distance). My feelings toward her are now numb. In this current state, I'm not okay having kids with her in the future; these issues need to be resolved first (if possible). It would be terrible if we accidently had a kid and these issues go unresolved. That would just make the potential divorce that much more difficult. I'm exhausted and I'm beginning to just want out of the marriage.
The basics: My wife and I are both 25 with no kids. We have been married a little over a year, and were engaged for a year. We met seven years ago in college and dated on and off.
The main problem: Sexual intimacy (and any intimacy, e.g., affectionate kissing, hand holding, etc.) has almost died off completely. We have sex now maybe once to twice a month.
The details:
My wife and I met in college and dated on and off for several years. We were inseparable and enjoyed each other's company very much. We took a break from the relationship for a few months because I was so busy with studies but then got back together. The sex was frequent–maybe once a week on average but we had our multiple go's per night. We were both quite adventurous. Over the years the frequency began to die down a little bit as expected. After we both graduated I finally proposed. Everything was peachy. After we were engaged the sex really started to die down (a few times a month). I brought it to her attention to make sure nothing was wrong. She said that for religious reasons, she started to feel guilty about it and proposed the idea that we wait the last couple of months of our engagement period until we got married to have sex again. I completely understood and did not see anything unreasonable about this request (other than, as a guy, a couple of months can seem like an eternity). We get married and of course did it on our wedding night. However, during our honeymoon period (10 days) we did it maybe twice. That was a minor red flag to me but nothing major.
Other the next couple of months the frequency is down to 1 to 2 times a month. Each time I made a move she gave the typical excuses: too tired, not in the mood, have to get up early, the planets aren't aligned, etc. I am rejected over and over again and eventually it starts to wear on my confidence. So I initiate less and less. I'm in good physical shape and overall I believe (so she says) I'm a good husband. She actually brags on me to her friends and family about how happy she is with me. So I'm at a loss as to what is going on. Every time I bring up the issue she says she will work on it, and that's the last I hear of it from her. It never gets any better and she never brings it up. She actually prefers to avoid the conversation altogether.
Fast forward to last month…and nothing has improved. I text her on her day off from work and tell her we really need to talk. So we meet for lunch and I let her know just how much of an issue this is for me and that we really need to work together to fix it. As usual, she doesn't really have a conversation with me she just apologizes and says that she will really work on it this time. A month has gone by and the frequency is exactly the same. At this point I am very frustrated and I always try to maintain my composure and have an adult, levelheaded conversation without being accusatory. I told her that this has been going on for quite some time and I'm losing my patience. I let her know that I love her very much and want this to work, but if this continues indefinitely I can't stay in the marriage. On the inside I am so angry and frustrated and no closer to figuring out what is going on and no explanation because she hates having a conversation about this topic.
After telling her this, she finally gives me something to ponder. She says, "I've never really been that into sex. At first it was new and exciting but then the newness wore off. I don't ever really think about sex except maybe once a month. I just don't get turned on by you (that much) and definitely not anyone else for that matter." Well then…that sure would have been nice to know before we got married. That might explain why she never masturbates, I don't know. I'm starting to think she is just not a very sexual person but acted like it until we got married.
Secondary marital issues:
- Other issues with intimacy – Hates giving oral, is sometimes weird about receiving it, hates doing anything in the shower, rare that she does much foreplay.
- Not doing as much around the house anymore – She has been very busy with work and school lately, so maybe that is it. But I'm pretty much doing everything now: laundry, dishes, yard work, vacuuming, etc. She will cook dinner a few times a week.
- Issues talking about serious conversations (intimacy, finances) – She has a hard time discussing any serious topic that involves the both of us. She will always try to change the subject. It is so aggravating. Communication in a marriage is critical but unfortunately it takes two.
- Disparaging remarks about my quantity of friends – She is very extraverted and I'm more introverted. I have two really good friends and that's it. She has a ton and a half. The other day she says in front of her friends and her friend's husband, "he really needs some more guy friends." Ouch.
- We have very little quality time together – She is always out with her friends (all girls) or has a friend over for dinner. If we do an activity together, often times she will ask if she can invite so-and-so to join us.
I don't feel like I can be open with her anymore. I'm just not comfortable talking about my personal thoughts (work, aspirations, desires, problems, ideas, etc.). I feel completely emotionally disconnected. I feel as though I'm at the end of my line.
I'm beginning to resent her now. It feels like we are roommates instead of lovers. I don't look forward to being around her, and I'm no longer emotionally attracted to her (sometimes not physically attracted to her either, I think this stems from the emotional distance). My feelings toward her are now numb. In this current state, I'm not okay having kids with her in the future; these issues need to be resolved first (if possible). It would be terrible if we accidently had a kid and these issues go unresolved. That would just make the potential divorce that much more difficult. I'm exhausted and I'm beginning to just want out of the marriage.
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