The day before yesterday, my wife got upset at me for being too playful in the bedroom. We've talked about it before and she says she feels like she's with a child constantly and she wants to be with an adult. She asked me to sleep in the living room afterwards, and we ended up talking all day. I eventually slept in our bedroom with her and we had a decent night and decent following day. However, she told me to sleep in the living room again. Last night, we went to bed around 9:30 or so. I touching her and kissing her and she was a bit responsive, but after I kept this up for awhile, she seemed to be falling asleep. So I just kissed her on the head and let her sleep. This morning, she woke up and said "Next time you don't have to be early and I do, please don't keep me up". After lying in the dark for awhile, I said "I'm sorry for keeping you up, it was inconsiderate" to which she replied "This is why you have to sleep in the living room. You HAVE to slee p there tonight. This is what happened when I give you chances. Keep in mind, we've had a history of her being upset at me and not having a good night's sleep.
On paper, we match very well. She's an A-type that stresses very easily, she's very attentive to detail, athletic, and a very stimulating with conversation. I'm a B-type that doesn't stress very easily, I'm very intuitive, athletic, and more of a listener than a talker.
The problems come with my passiveness with my B-type, I miss a lot of details, I've not been a GOOD listener, and I've been selfish, but with the best intentions, throughout our relationship.
Early on in dating, she had to deal with my ADD issues and it was hard to keep a conversation with me. I would jump subjects constantly. That was just a metaphor for who I was as a person. I wasn't somebody you could really relax around, despite being a laid back person. I was constantly playing and playful too, which is fine to an extent, but once again, it didn't allow her to relax. Jump forward to us having a lot of bedroom problems and not really knowing why. We decided to get married so I could get health insurance and figure out what was going on. After we go married in December 2012, it took me all the way to February 2013 to get around to setting up a Dr. appointment. I didn't show the urgency that I wanted to be better. I went to two endocrinologists, a neuropsychiatrist, a therapist, an orthopedist, and I've had two surgeries (unrelated to bedroom problems). Essentially I had been showing a lot of symptoms of hypothyroidism. Rather than undergo treatment, she and I were looking into what we could do through diet. After a lot of changes, my follow-up tests with the endocrinologist showed improvements in the bloodwork.
Growing up, I suffered from depression which I covered with my therapist. I didn't really think of me being depressed until I discovered I behaved in a way that showed all the signs of depression. I never got excited about anything, I was really flat with emotions, and I would occasionally feel really down , which is when my depression got worse. During all of this time, I didn't really develop normally. I didn't learn to function on a normal social level, I didn't know how to express or connect emotionally, and I had a string of bad sexual experiences. This all led to having an abundance of problems with my wife. I'm sure it's not that hard to figure out what those problems were.
We've had so many arguments, and so many nights where she didn't sleep well. She got sick more frequently than she ever had and she blamed me for everything. She went away for OCS (officer candidate school) for the army and we had a pretty bad argument before she left. She had been so stressed she got really ill while she was there and had to leave early. One of her major ambitions in the army was to treat it as a stepping stone to working for a three letter division (CIA, FBI, etc.). As we started getting more serious, she got an offer to work for a think tank in DC, which was essentially a dream job for her and was exactly what she was hoping for. We discussed the possibility of balancing her living there and me visiting. I said I couldn't leave because I still wanted to see if I could make it in acting (which is a whole other problem with our relationship, but more on that in a minute). After discussing the job for a day or so, she decided not to take it so we could stay t ogether. She wrote to them and declined. The thing is, with this kind of job, it doesn't pop up very often. She had to think of a way to flourish and plan for the future since her original plans had floundered. So she decided on a personal training company which we started together.
During this time, I had been trying to be an actor. Here's a few reasons that was a problem:
I had thousands of dollars of credit card debt from acting school which I brought to our relationship.
Every time She saw me in a play, she didn't feel proud of me. The first time she saw me, she was soft with her criticism, and we just talked about it. I told her I was still growing as an actor and had to figure things out. After she saw me in several other productions, I think her resentment grew.
She stayed in NYC and gave up her dream job to stay with me because I pursued acting, which I was absolutely horrible at.
I could keep going with all the problems we've had, but as you can see, there have been a lot. I've essentially drained her of her energy, her hopes, her health, and her happiness. Through all of this, we've had some great moments, but she's told me there's never been, not even one time, where she look back at our relationship as the golden times. Nothing to show her "Well we at least had that spark" to go back to, some kind of hope that there's something worth working towards. She has admitted to me that she believes there's a connection at our soul level and she doesn't think we're incompatible on that level. She just thinks we're not working on the mental and physical level. We've had a great many close calls. IF we didn't have the business together, the apartment together, and if we were financially in a much better state, we essentially wouldn't be together right now.
Basically, since She is trapped, she has to make the best of it. Yesterday was a pretty decent day and we had a good time together. However, last night when I messed up her sleep, I started the process over. I'm going to keep trying, because it's either that or give up and just stay in the living room living our lives separately until we can divorce. The idea of that scares me and breaks my heart, but I now I've caused our relationship to be this way. I haven't told you everything, because that would take way too much time. I know I've said a lot of emotionally charged things and I've been very selfish, weak, and haven't shown the traits of being a man.
So...here I am and I have to sleep on the couch tonight. I love my wife, but sometimes I wish I never met her because I feel like I've stolen years from her life without giving anything back. It's too late for that and all I can do is try my best at this point. I don't really have any friends, because I'm from a different state. Everyone I knew here was from acting school basically and I don't keep in touch with them because I don't really have much in common beyond acting with most of the other people. I just needed to vent and hear thoughts from other people.
On paper, we match very well. She's an A-type that stresses very easily, she's very attentive to detail, athletic, and a very stimulating with conversation. I'm a B-type that doesn't stress very easily, I'm very intuitive, athletic, and more of a listener than a talker.
The problems come with my passiveness with my B-type, I miss a lot of details, I've not been a GOOD listener, and I've been selfish, but with the best intentions, throughout our relationship.
Early on in dating, she had to deal with my ADD issues and it was hard to keep a conversation with me. I would jump subjects constantly. That was just a metaphor for who I was as a person. I wasn't somebody you could really relax around, despite being a laid back person. I was constantly playing and playful too, which is fine to an extent, but once again, it didn't allow her to relax. Jump forward to us having a lot of bedroom problems and not really knowing why. We decided to get married so I could get health insurance and figure out what was going on. After we go married in December 2012, it took me all the way to February 2013 to get around to setting up a Dr. appointment. I didn't show the urgency that I wanted to be better. I went to two endocrinologists, a neuropsychiatrist, a therapist, an orthopedist, and I've had two surgeries (unrelated to bedroom problems). Essentially I had been showing a lot of symptoms of hypothyroidism. Rather than undergo treatment, she and I were looking into what we could do through diet. After a lot of changes, my follow-up tests with the endocrinologist showed improvements in the bloodwork.
Growing up, I suffered from depression which I covered with my therapist. I didn't really think of me being depressed until I discovered I behaved in a way that showed all the signs of depression. I never got excited about anything, I was really flat with emotions, and I would occasionally feel really down , which is when my depression got worse. During all of this time, I didn't really develop normally. I didn't learn to function on a normal social level, I didn't know how to express or connect emotionally, and I had a string of bad sexual experiences. This all led to having an abundance of problems with my wife. I'm sure it's not that hard to figure out what those problems were.
We've had so many arguments, and so many nights where she didn't sleep well. She got sick more frequently than she ever had and she blamed me for everything. She went away for OCS (officer candidate school) for the army and we had a pretty bad argument before she left. She had been so stressed she got really ill while she was there and had to leave early. One of her major ambitions in the army was to treat it as a stepping stone to working for a three letter division (CIA, FBI, etc.). As we started getting more serious, she got an offer to work for a think tank in DC, which was essentially a dream job for her and was exactly what she was hoping for. We discussed the possibility of balancing her living there and me visiting. I said I couldn't leave because I still wanted to see if I could make it in acting (which is a whole other problem with our relationship, but more on that in a minute). After discussing the job for a day or so, she decided not to take it so we could stay t ogether. She wrote to them and declined. The thing is, with this kind of job, it doesn't pop up very often. She had to think of a way to flourish and plan for the future since her original plans had floundered. So she decided on a personal training company which we started together.
During this time, I had been trying to be an actor. Here's a few reasons that was a problem:
I had thousands of dollars of credit card debt from acting school which I brought to our relationship.
Every time She saw me in a play, she didn't feel proud of me. The first time she saw me, she was soft with her criticism, and we just talked about it. I told her I was still growing as an actor and had to figure things out. After she saw me in several other productions, I think her resentment grew.
She stayed in NYC and gave up her dream job to stay with me because I pursued acting, which I was absolutely horrible at.
I could keep going with all the problems we've had, but as you can see, there have been a lot. I've essentially drained her of her energy, her hopes, her health, and her happiness. Through all of this, we've had some great moments, but she's told me there's never been, not even one time, where she look back at our relationship as the golden times. Nothing to show her "Well we at least had that spark" to go back to, some kind of hope that there's something worth working towards. She has admitted to me that she believes there's a connection at our soul level and she doesn't think we're incompatible on that level. She just thinks we're not working on the mental and physical level. We've had a great many close calls. IF we didn't have the business together, the apartment together, and if we were financially in a much better state, we essentially wouldn't be together right now.
Basically, since She is trapped, she has to make the best of it. Yesterday was a pretty decent day and we had a good time together. However, last night when I messed up her sleep, I started the process over. I'm going to keep trying, because it's either that or give up and just stay in the living room living our lives separately until we can divorce. The idea of that scares me and breaks my heart, but I now I've caused our relationship to be this way. I haven't told you everything, because that would take way too much time. I know I've said a lot of emotionally charged things and I've been very selfish, weak, and haven't shown the traits of being a man.
So...here I am and I have to sleep on the couch tonight. I love my wife, but sometimes I wish I never met her because I feel like I've stolen years from her life without giving anything back. It's too late for that and all I can do is try my best at this point. I don't really have any friends, because I'm from a different state. Everyone I knew here was from acting school basically and I don't keep in touch with them because I don't really have much in common beyond acting with most of the other people. I just needed to vent and hear thoughts from other people.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment