Hi Everyone.
On Friday night, (today is Tuesday) I found out that my wife was cheating on me. I had been suspecting it for a while. She had grown cold and distant, saying things like she wasn't happy, sex had become just physical and she rarely showed any affection. So many times I'd ask for just a little sign of affection from her and it was met with sighs and eye rolling. Finally, on Friday I attained proof of her affair.
When she came home, I confronted her on it and she denied (again) and stormed out of the house and went to her mother's house saying she can't live with these accusations. Even though I told her I had proof. The next morning she came home and started telling me she had an emotional affair. I confronted her about the sex again and she again denied it. Finally I let it all out and told her everything I knew. She turned white as a ghost and started crying... finally, she came clean and fessed up to it.
We have been together for 12 years, married for almost 10. We have two amazing daughters, 8 and 4. I just don't know how she could do this and then come home and look at me in the face and kiss our daughters goodnight. How could she live with herself? How could she compartmentalize like that?
I told her that as of right now, we are housemates and financial partners... nothing more. I know it's sick and irrational, but I don't want to divorce her and I still love my wife very much. I don't want to destroy our family and kids lives, although I know it can be said that she already made the decision to do just that with her selfishness and infidelity.
She said that she was just in a rut, feeling overwhelmed with life and bored. She said it felt good to hear compliments from someone other than me (I shower her with love, compliments and affection all the time). She said this was like a release, excitement. She admitted to meeting him twice for sex. He, by the way, is apparently married as well and also has kids. I know I have to take everything she says with a grain of salt, but that's what she says.
On Sunday, she had to be admitted to the hospital because she was going through an emotional breakdown. I can't say I feel bad about that. I think I am actually happy that she hit rock bottom. She called her mother and her Mom took her. Her mother (who I have an uncommonly amazing relationship with) told me that the whole time on the way to the hospital and the whole time at the hospital, she was shaking and crying and talking about what an awful person she is and that I didn't deserve this, and she can't believe she let herself cheat on me, etc. She knows that she needs to find counseling for herself (I have already been seeing a therapist) and if our marriage means anything to her, she needs to arrange couples therapy for us. She promises that she will do that. She says she wants to make this work and she wants to go back to how we used to be, when we used to laugh together, show affection and have fun together.
I believe that she truly is remorseful and I hope that the fact that she hates herself so much will make her realize what she could lose. She says she could never do this again because she never wants to feel like this again.
I want so badly to be with her. I miss her touch, I want to be able to hold her again, I still look at her (and as sick as it sounds) I still have sexual desire for her... but everytime I think about what she did I am disgusted by her and I hate her and want to call her a wh##e and a sl#t. I have so many different and mixed emotions right now: rage, sadness, fear of what lies ahead, jealousy, etc. I need to find a way to work through those and try to put this behind me and make myself (and my kids) the priority again.
She admitted that she didn't stray because of anything I did. We have a great life for the most part, we both have great stable jobs, we are upper-middle class and well educated. We are healthy, our kids are healthy and doing well in school, we go on several vacations a year, life is good, or at least I thought so. We both said, her mother has said and everyone we know says that I am the best husband any woman could ask for and the best father that they all know. I didn't deserve this. She says all of that to me, yet she went out and had sex with some other guy on two occasions.
Today I met with a divorce attorney, just to be sure all of my ducks are in a row if it ever, God forbid, comes to that. I told her that I did so and she looked like that scared the hell out of her. And, I hope it did. She needs to know that I am prepared.
Am I crazy for thinking we can make this work? Is it true that once a cheater...always a cheater? I mean, I know that first and foremost she needs help to fix what led her to this in the first place. She has said that she doesn't love me like she used to and that is a knife through the heart but there's a piece of me that understands that, I mean, love changes and ebbs and flows over time, I'm not naive enough to think that every day would be like when we first fell in love.
I just hope that there is some light at the end of this very dark tunnel. They say that 65% of couples experience this and 70% of those couples come out on the other end happier and stronger. I just need to know how I can assure that we will be one of those 70%.
I'm sorry this was long, I just needed to write a lot.
On Friday night, (today is Tuesday) I found out that my wife was cheating on me. I had been suspecting it for a while. She had grown cold and distant, saying things like she wasn't happy, sex had become just physical and she rarely showed any affection. So many times I'd ask for just a little sign of affection from her and it was met with sighs and eye rolling. Finally, on Friday I attained proof of her affair.
When she came home, I confronted her on it and she denied (again) and stormed out of the house and went to her mother's house saying she can't live with these accusations. Even though I told her I had proof. The next morning she came home and started telling me she had an emotional affair. I confronted her about the sex again and she again denied it. Finally I let it all out and told her everything I knew. She turned white as a ghost and started crying... finally, she came clean and fessed up to it.
We have been together for 12 years, married for almost 10. We have two amazing daughters, 8 and 4. I just don't know how she could do this and then come home and look at me in the face and kiss our daughters goodnight. How could she live with herself? How could she compartmentalize like that?
I told her that as of right now, we are housemates and financial partners... nothing more. I know it's sick and irrational, but I don't want to divorce her and I still love my wife very much. I don't want to destroy our family and kids lives, although I know it can be said that she already made the decision to do just that with her selfishness and infidelity.
She said that she was just in a rut, feeling overwhelmed with life and bored. She said it felt good to hear compliments from someone other than me (I shower her with love, compliments and affection all the time). She said this was like a release, excitement. She admitted to meeting him twice for sex. He, by the way, is apparently married as well and also has kids. I know I have to take everything she says with a grain of salt, but that's what she says.
On Sunday, she had to be admitted to the hospital because she was going through an emotional breakdown. I can't say I feel bad about that. I think I am actually happy that she hit rock bottom. She called her mother and her Mom took her. Her mother (who I have an uncommonly amazing relationship with) told me that the whole time on the way to the hospital and the whole time at the hospital, she was shaking and crying and talking about what an awful person she is and that I didn't deserve this, and she can't believe she let herself cheat on me, etc. She knows that she needs to find counseling for herself (I have already been seeing a therapist) and if our marriage means anything to her, she needs to arrange couples therapy for us. She promises that she will do that. She says she wants to make this work and she wants to go back to how we used to be, when we used to laugh together, show affection and have fun together.
I believe that she truly is remorseful and I hope that the fact that she hates herself so much will make her realize what she could lose. She says she could never do this again because she never wants to feel like this again.
I want so badly to be with her. I miss her touch, I want to be able to hold her again, I still look at her (and as sick as it sounds) I still have sexual desire for her... but everytime I think about what she did I am disgusted by her and I hate her and want to call her a wh##e and a sl#t. I have so many different and mixed emotions right now: rage, sadness, fear of what lies ahead, jealousy, etc. I need to find a way to work through those and try to put this behind me and make myself (and my kids) the priority again.
She admitted that she didn't stray because of anything I did. We have a great life for the most part, we both have great stable jobs, we are upper-middle class and well educated. We are healthy, our kids are healthy and doing well in school, we go on several vacations a year, life is good, or at least I thought so. We both said, her mother has said and everyone we know says that I am the best husband any woman could ask for and the best father that they all know. I didn't deserve this. She says all of that to me, yet she went out and had sex with some other guy on two occasions.
Today I met with a divorce attorney, just to be sure all of my ducks are in a row if it ever, God forbid, comes to that. I told her that I did so and she looked like that scared the hell out of her. And, I hope it did. She needs to know that I am prepared.
Am I crazy for thinking we can make this work? Is it true that once a cheater...always a cheater? I mean, I know that first and foremost she needs help to fix what led her to this in the first place. She has said that she doesn't love me like she used to and that is a knife through the heart but there's a piece of me that understands that, I mean, love changes and ebbs and flows over time, I'm not naive enough to think that every day would be like when we first fell in love.
I just hope that there is some light at the end of this very dark tunnel. They say that 65% of couples experience this and 70% of those couples come out on the other end happier and stronger. I just need to know how I can assure that we will be one of those 70%.
I'm sorry this was long, I just needed to write a lot.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment