Trying out this "active listening" on my H.
This a.m, H was snoring and it woke me up earlier than I would have liked (5:30 am) but I was rested and had slept enough and decided to get up, make coffee, and shower (things that are hard to do when my son is up!)...the shower/bathroom is next to our bedroom so I didn't blow dry my hair, turn on any radio or tv (yes we have a tv in the bathroom)...I did pull the accordian door shut (we have an accordian door that separates bedroom/bathroom...maybe I didn't need to do that)...but other than that and the normal processes for getting ready (opening up drawers, etc..) I can't think that I made any overt noise.
An hour later, my H was up and took me aside and said that I had made "a great deal of noise and did so in a manner that showed "reckless disregard for whether or not I had woken him.."
(mind you...I am the lawyer, not him...)
I repeated back what he said to me "you're saying I made a great deal of noise in a manner that was a reckless disregard to whether or not you were sleeping"
and he said "yes"
So I said I am sorry that I woke him...that i had no intentions of doing so and I didn't think opening up drawers/putting on make up was "reckless"....and that of course i cared if he slept. I also pointed out that it was his snoring that woke me to begin with. I did not raise my voice. I didn't "shut him out"
And went on with my morning.
He didn't say anything more about it (probably content that he was being heard)
and I was "okay" with there being tension (ie, him not talking and me not talking during breakfast) and I cared for my son afterwards....
bottom line?
I didn't sulk, complain, get mad, or internalize any of this...
I practiced "active listening" and apologized to the extent that I woke him....but not that my behavior was "reckless"....it bounced right off of me. He was more affectionate than ever when he left this a.m, too..
Thinking I'm getting this.....
Thanks TAM:)
This a.m, H was snoring and it woke me up earlier than I would have liked (5:30 am) but I was rested and had slept enough and decided to get up, make coffee, and shower (things that are hard to do when my son is up!)...the shower/bathroom is next to our bedroom so I didn't blow dry my hair, turn on any radio or tv (yes we have a tv in the bathroom)...I did pull the accordian door shut (we have an accordian door that separates bedroom/bathroom...maybe I didn't need to do that)...but other than that and the normal processes for getting ready (opening up drawers, etc..) I can't think that I made any overt noise.
An hour later, my H was up and took me aside and said that I had made "a great deal of noise and did so in a manner that showed "reckless disregard for whether or not I had woken him.."
(mind you...I am the lawyer, not him...)
I repeated back what he said to me "you're saying I made a great deal of noise in a manner that was a reckless disregard to whether or not you were sleeping"
and he said "yes"
So I said I am sorry that I woke him...that i had no intentions of doing so and I didn't think opening up drawers/putting on make up was "reckless"....and that of course i cared if he slept. I also pointed out that it was his snoring that woke me to begin with. I did not raise my voice. I didn't "shut him out"
And went on with my morning.
He didn't say anything more about it (probably content that he was being heard)
and I was "okay" with there being tension (ie, him not talking and me not talking during breakfast) and I cared for my son afterwards....
bottom line?
I didn't sulk, complain, get mad, or internalize any of this...
I practiced "active listening" and apologized to the extent that I woke him....but not that my behavior was "reckless"....it bounced right off of me. He was more affectionate than ever when he left this a.m, too..
Thinking I'm getting this.....
Thanks TAM:)
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