Has anyone else found themselves swallowed up by an archetype of marriage they never thought would be theirs? At 43 I was confident, determined, attractive ... and single. At 51, I'm fat, dour, resentful, boring, and bored out of my mind. Oh, and married 8 years.
I avoided stereotyped relationships for my whole life, and then suddenly fell headlong into the Flintstones. I do have some inkling of why I psychologically wound up married when that really wasn't on my agenda at all, but I also have some real issues with being manipulated into believing this would be so different than it is. I showed my true colors, my out-there feminist buddhist ecological seeker self, my hopes of evolving together and becoming a team, he said, "groovy, me too", and the second he got a ring on my finger, yabba dabba doo.
I really thought I could create the marriage I envisioned, but it seems like no matter how I try, no matter what sort of promises I make to myself or ideas I try to institute, whether I seek self-fulfillment or shared experiences that actually interest me, and no matter what sort of lip service he gives to either, I close my eyes for one second and there I am again, Wilma to his Fred, washing beer out of his loincloth and grilling a flavorless brontoburger for the third time in a week. I had a private, evolved and subtle life, women friends and good red wine, and I mourn it daily. I really don't know if I can deal with the amount of he-time in this life.
So ... does anyone have advice on how to figure this out? My husband is childish and provincial but he IS a good guy, and he gave up a lot to be with me. (If I'd known what *I* was giving up I'd never have agreed to that, but that's water under the bridge now.) he tells me he appreciates me, and that's a good thing but I'm not sure I really give a rat's patootie that he appreciates having a faithful maid, accountant and personal chef, this isn't who I want to be. But, I feel responsible for his well being, I feel confused about my own dissatisfaction, I feel exhausted with the whole damn life. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm not trying hard enough to be my own person. Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough to appreciate cheeseburgers and Family Guy. I don't know. :slap:
I avoided stereotyped relationships for my whole life, and then suddenly fell headlong into the Flintstones. I do have some inkling of why I psychologically wound up married when that really wasn't on my agenda at all, but I also have some real issues with being manipulated into believing this would be so different than it is. I showed my true colors, my out-there feminist buddhist ecological seeker self, my hopes of evolving together and becoming a team, he said, "groovy, me too", and the second he got a ring on my finger, yabba dabba doo.
I really thought I could create the marriage I envisioned, but it seems like no matter how I try, no matter what sort of promises I make to myself or ideas I try to institute, whether I seek self-fulfillment or shared experiences that actually interest me, and no matter what sort of lip service he gives to either, I close my eyes for one second and there I am again, Wilma to his Fred, washing beer out of his loincloth and grilling a flavorless brontoburger for the third time in a week. I had a private, evolved and subtle life, women friends and good red wine, and I mourn it daily. I really don't know if I can deal with the amount of he-time in this life.
So ... does anyone have advice on how to figure this out? My husband is childish and provincial but he IS a good guy, and he gave up a lot to be with me. (If I'd known what *I* was giving up I'd never have agreed to that, but that's water under the bridge now.) he tells me he appreciates me, and that's a good thing but I'm not sure I really give a rat's patootie that he appreciates having a faithful maid, accountant and personal chef, this isn't who I want to be. But, I feel responsible for his well being, I feel confused about my own dissatisfaction, I feel exhausted with the whole damn life. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm not trying hard enough to be my own person. Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough to appreciate cheeseburgers and Family Guy. I don't know. :slap:
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment