I've been an TAM for almost a year now and when I first joined last year I was firmly stuck in a very destructive alpha/beta dichotomy in which I had assigned myself "beta" status and convinced myself that I was forever doomed to get the short end of the stick in relationships. I can't pin down where this thinking came from. Maybe I was a late bloomer or maybe I was just too ignorant about women to be successful with them. But I was in a terrible place a year ago and said embarrassing things.
What I've learned from other posters is this:
1. Stop thinking about other people's sex lives and what they are doing and what you are not doing. The biggest gigolo in the world will only have sex with a tiny fraction of the world's women. There is competition for individual partners that we want, but no man "gets all the women."
2. I realized that I had things in my past that are just as embarrassing as any woman might have. I was obsessed with not getting "screwed over" by a woman because I thought that this was my inevitable fate. But I would turn red if my current GF knew what my thoughts were like a year ago.
3. You need to set standards for yourself in your relationships. What any woman has done with anyone before me is irrelevant. I expect a certain level of behavior from myself towards my partner and want this returned. This standard is individual to everyone and what matters is that you follow it.
If someone had told me a year ago that I would be into a five month relationship with a single mom whose daughter's father disappeared as soon as she was born I would have said you're crazy.
But I didn't know that she would be by far the best partner I've ever had. That she would be so sexually aggressive towards me. That she would see eye to eye with me on money and good books and a million other things. The best relationship is one where both partners are equally afraid of losing the other because they are so glad they found them.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."
Soren Kierkegaard
What I've learned from other posters is this:
1. Stop thinking about other people's sex lives and what they are doing and what you are not doing. The biggest gigolo in the world will only have sex with a tiny fraction of the world's women. There is competition for individual partners that we want, but no man "gets all the women."
2. I realized that I had things in my past that are just as embarrassing as any woman might have. I was obsessed with not getting "screwed over" by a woman because I thought that this was my inevitable fate. But I would turn red if my current GF knew what my thoughts were like a year ago.
3. You need to set standards for yourself in your relationships. What any woman has done with anyone before me is irrelevant. I expect a certain level of behavior from myself towards my partner and want this returned. This standard is individual to everyone and what matters is that you follow it.
If someone had told me a year ago that I would be into a five month relationship with a single mom whose daughter's father disappeared as soon as she was born I would have said you're crazy.
But I didn't know that she would be by far the best partner I've ever had. That she would be so sexually aggressive towards me. That she would see eye to eye with me on money and good books and a million other things. The best relationship is one where both partners are equally afraid of losing the other because they are so glad they found them.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."
Soren Kierkegaard
Put the internet to work for you.
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