guy needs woman advise cheating wife

My story. Been married 9 years as of Feb 2013. My wife is a alpha, doesn't need or exhibit a lot of emotion. I'm the emotional one. We were in complete infactuation with each otehr for the first 4-5 years. I pretty much submitted to everything, I didn't like to cuase waves. Around year 5 I kinda changed my attitude and started standing up and pushing back a little. Wife likes to yell, gets made easily and recently has said she just get annoyed wit ha lot of things I do. My faults..I've been controlling in the way I wanted to be with her 24/7. I would get upset if she choose another activity over me. I was pretty clingy. She is social. With her alpha qualities she gets along better with men than women generally. She tells nasty jokes, stong -headed etc. I'm not that social. Iv'e always had trust issues with everyone in general. The phrase I use is I start everyone out at zero trust and build up from there. My wifes family told me that she is the type of girl that enjoyed relationships when they were conevient and dumped the guy when it was an issue. They were surprised when I "tamed her". Had a couple small issued in past two years when a guy at her work and her began to be friends. She talked often and at length with him. the guy became obsessive and she informed me and she cut their friendship off. She doesn't like being the bad guy and wans't as extreme as I wanted her to be with him. (found out he has tried to re-contact her via email over past couple months, she admitted this after I found out about affair). The other guy was a check-in guy at her gym who she was friendly with, he and her would call and just chat. She came forward and told me that his wife had found her number and she called my wife( I was on 3-way) and she told my wife not to have any more contact, which she hasn't since. My wife told me a few months ago she wasn't happy. She said she gets easily annoyed with me, I spend money, she likes to save, has issues with my 2 kids from another relationship and that I make her feel guilty for doing anything extra-curricular that doesn't involve me. I heard her but didn't make aggressive changes. I admit, when she talks about work, I often ask her if anyone has hit on her, which has caused her to also be annoyed with me. I had started to work on them buy having her enjoy the gym and not have me harrasing her to hurry home all the time. I also made a point to go and eat dinner with her friends when she asked me too. ]THE DAY I FOUND OUT[/U]Last saturday due to a rebooting of iphones and changing our Itunes accounts around I inadvertantly started getting her text messages Saturday Morning. She started texting a guy saying how she hates the weekends and wishes it was monday so they could see each other. She told him that "I feel silly, but I miss you" which the guy agrees. They go on to talk about plans to see each other and she tells him how good she looks at the gym etc. I freak out of course and end up going to her parents house and tell them (not sure why I did that yet). I have her meet with me and after 10 mins of convincing her she comes clean. She met a guy at work. He went back to her office and started talking. After couple weeks she said he tried to kiss her and she let him. Since then they have been kissing 2-3 times a week for the past four weeks. She said they didn't have any kind of sex and I believe her and the texts I read kinda suggested that hadn't happe ned yet. She told me that she was totally wrong. We talked for 48 hours straight and we agreed to separate bank accounts, and for me to leave. She said she still loved me but was feeling stifiled and wanted more frreedom. She described her freedom as not feeling guilty if she went to the gym, had to work late or wanted to go grab a drink with the girls. She stated she was ending the relationship with the guy, which I listened and she called me from work the next two days when he came to speak with her. I called the guys wife and told her. I left for a few hours and called her and she told me that leaving wasn't the right answer. We talked at length. She wanted some time to miss me. She said she knows she was being selfish, but she knows herself and knows what will make her happy. She talked about a seperation witht he rules of marriage still applying. I told her that I couldn't stick around and wait for her and feel like I was feeling..not knowing would kill me. While we were talking we couldn't agree on who was going to stay in the house. We both had good reasons. After a few more hours she decided and I agreed that we would stay together and work things out. The rules would be is that I would give her some space, work on my finances ie separate accounts, refi the house in my name (was just in hers). She was to want to try and make me a priority and try and pay attention to my needs (i'm the emotional one). So since last saturday, I have lost 12 pounds, break down crying randomly and feel scared ****less that she will change her mind. I feel like and we have talked about it, is that I feel the ball is in her corner and I'm at her whim. We have agreed and swore to stay married and work through our issues and if anyone has a problem or issue we are open and honest and try and find a solution. She stated her relationship was based on that the guy had a personality similar to hers and she could be open with him and not have to worry about all the other stuff..money, kids, daily issues, like with me. I believe her when she says this guy was just an outlet and I don't see her re-kindling anything. My wife is also worried that her work will find out and get her in trouble and she feels embarresed becaue her family knows. My wife has immersed herself in her work, she had a work function to do last night, had a couple glasses of wine and came home. She said she needs normalcy. I've worked 6 hours in the past week and can't get this outta my mind. It seems easy for her to put on a front at work, I cannot. I have agreed to all the stipulations and are working hard. I figure it will not only make her happy, it will make me a better person. She has also agreed to be more supportive for me and to commit to our relationship. I've never-ever had the feelings i've had over the past week. I'm struggling to function. We are already been to counseling one and plan to go again next week. I deep down don't know if my wife thinks I can give her what she needs. My insecurites contributed to this, her actions made it come true. I just don't know if I can make her happy. But dammit, I'm gonna not give up.

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