My Long Story

My name is Matt. I am somewhere in the process of separation or reconciliation, hard to know. I guess some kind of limbo. My wife is my best friend and has been for the last ten years. We have been married for 3. I am 30, she is 27. One house, one awesome dog, no kids. My wife is beautiful, caring, sensitive, talented, funny, smart and a wonderful, loving person. She is a real woman, with curved hips and a flat stomach and I am extremely attracted to her. Not that I have always been good at telling her that. I will NEVER find anyone like her, she is extraordinary and knows me so well. My wife means the world to me, but we have grown apart slowly over the last year, most likely since we got married. It breaks my heart to think back and see the downward slope, and to know that at certain times I probably had a good chance to address the hurt we have been causing each other. But hey, hindsight is a B*(& huh. We got together through music, both in bands that toured extensively. Friends of friends etc, and then she dated my flatmate/friend. She is such a fun person to be with, and we clicked instantly. My wife 'chased' me for a while, but I was initially not interested in a relationship with her, as I had other options I was looking into. We eventually started dating, long distance, and it was both wonderful and hard. During this time my wife was medicated for her depression, seemed to be centred around her father leaving when she was 14. She has hurts still there, but has addressed it over the years. I can't emphasise enough how sensitive and large her heart is -and my eyes are filling now when I think how insensitive I have been to her in the past. I have always been very sensitive since I was a child- my mother reminds me of this. I have grown from a sensitive boy who was picked on to an extroverted front man (band) and MC on stage. But when I get off the stage, or have no use for being 'loud' I'm the guy who is quiet and finds the person noone is talking to and sits there-I can relate to them. What I'm trying to say is that although most people observe me as fun, outgoing etc (and I certainly am), I'm also quiet and sensitive. Something which I have fought against most of my life. I had always seen it as a weakness, and over the years have developed an analytical mind to process emotions instead of letting myself feel them. Of course I feel joy, happiness, fear etc, but when sadness comes into town, I think it and often wont cry etc. The first big hurt that I imposed on my beautiful wife was that of having the start of an EA with one of my past band members (the worst of it was: meeting up for drinks once and dancing together that night, nothing sexual or anything more; a few emails later saying I missed her, and she sent me some NOT RUDE photos via email). That was about 8 years ago. Both my wife and I had been touring (in our seperate bands) for the whole year, and I had not seen my then-depressed girlfriend very often. As you can imagine, life on the road is busy and hectic, and I was often not in the mood for the teary phonecalls that would come my way. Sometimes I would not answer the phone, as I just couldnt or didnt want to cope with it. We have lately been addressing this issue in counselling, for the thought of this other girl still makes my wife jealous and feel insecure. I have nothing to do with this other girl. The second big hurt has lasted a while over our marriage. I had previously been in a relationship with a girl and she had an abortion and it was terrible. Terrible time for both of us, and for me as a 19 year old, I just got the heck out of there (we were not dating at the time of the pregnancy). Coming out of this (before I met my wife) I moved town and got a new bunch of good guy mates. Real good friends, who we still are close with. Anyways, all the guys and I agreed that PDA (Public Displays of Affection) are terrible. So we vowed to not be 'all over' our girlfriends in the future. I guess you can see where this is going in my marriage......especially when my wife is so sensitive and caring. So there it was, no kissing in public, no major hugs, hand holding fine. But then when it got to going to parties, we would turn up, see people we knew, and go hang out separately- getting back together when it was time to go home. This hurt my wife, and I have only had it revealed to me in the last few months. Yes, I am an idiot! A year later we had a big fight when my wife told a fellow theatre cast member that she thought she was in love with him. That hurt me pretty bad. And to be honest, I havn't thought about it for a while. I guess I find it easier to forgive and forget. Maybe we broke up for a few days, I cant really remember. This was when she still was going through her depression. Yes I can see that all my anti-PDA etc ties into this, but I also accept all the things that I wasn't giving her to make her feel like this. The third big hurt came when my band was given the opportunity to tour overseas. This was an 'open-ended' tour, with no specific end date. It was 'a great chance' to play our music to the world. But my lovely girlfriend did not want me to go. So what did I do? I went. I rationalised it by saying I needed to do this, and I also wasn't completely sure about our relationship. We have at times broken up for a period of a week before. Before I left, we agreed to stay together, with the idea I would be coming back after maybe 6 months. I was told later that I didn't make any real effort to contact my lady during the first month of my trip. Not surprisingly, she broke up with me. I spent the next few months pining after her, and 'winning her back' eventually. During this period however, she spend a lot of 1-1 time with my old flatmate/friend and she did hook up with a random guy in town. Yep, the thought hurts, but hey- I was the one who left for another country. I eventually returned and proposed a year later. So we got married. On my wedding day at the altar I choked and cried reading out my vows. This is me who never cries. At that moment I knew that this was the best decision I had made in my life, and she really was the girl I would never let go of. But obviously things change, and life gets in the way. We then moved into a 3 bedroom rented house, and as we couldn't really afford it on our own (and we loved it!) we got a friend to move in with us. Over a 2 year period, sometimes we had 2 others living with us, as friends needed a place to stay. This has been a huge mistake. I can see that now. We were never able to fight properly, and my wife has told me that there were times she would just bottle up the hurt, and never bring up the subject again. There were times that I wanted to keep fighting, so I did- arguing in front of our friends who lived with us. Nothing raging, or hurtful, but thats the not point- I was hurting her by continuing to argue. I now also know (through counselling) that my wife withdraws, thats her strategy. I studied 3 degrees including postgraduate. I then started med school. I never talked to my wife properly about this path, and she later told me that she never wanted to be married to a doctor. I had a friend who pulled out, and then I started thinking heavily about it, and also dropped out. I felt pretty down about everything, but I knew that I had to honour my wifes wishes- she wanted to live a LIFE with me, not me live my job! So I saw it for what it was. It took me a while to find my feet again, and now I have a job I enjoy, in a similar field to my wifes. Then about 11 months ago, I asked my wife if she was having an affair with her workmate. Whenever he came over with her other workmates, she would flirt with him, sit close to him, I just felt really uncomfortable about it. Plus I played basketball with him, and sometimes went to the gym with him- we were 'friends'. My wife denied it and said there was nothing to worry about. One time her workmates came around, I talked to her about it in the other room, she denied it. She went to town with them, and when she came home, I had her sleeping bag in the hall with a note on it saying that she would be taking the couch that night. I heard her come home, take the sleeping bag and go to the lounge. All I wanted was for her to come to bed and hold me, tell me that everything was ok, that she loved me. But I never made the move and neither did she. Sigh.... A few months later her workmate (my 'friend') left for another country. I was working late that night, but decided I would go to the leaving party after work. I rang her phone, no answer. I turned up to the party, she was not there, and neither was he. A mutual friend who was very drunk told me that my wife had left with him, and he did not know where they went. I asked how long they would be and was told "who knows how long these things take- how long do you take?" and then another joke about how he had left with my wife. I was not in the joking frame of mind. Another friend came over, and it was obvious he was high as a kite. He gave me a hug and said "im so sorry man, im so sorry". I was thinking the worst. I tried ringing both his and her phone, but no one answered. I drove home crying, my stomach in knots. She was dropped off later by a car, and came to bed. She kissed me and told me she loved me. I said that I turned up but she wasn't there. She said that her workmate had walked her and another friend to their car in town, and that was that. I left it at that, but in my heart I knew they had a physical affair. I never said anything more, because I was scared about what the answer might be. I didn't want to lose my wife, whom I love with my whole heart. Since then there have been times in our marriage when I have not held my wife when she was crying in bed. There have been times when I have raised my voice and said things I did not mean. I can see that its just me reacting from my own hurts, but I know that these things are also unacceptable. I have never verbally, emotionally or physically abused my wife. I never call her names or say that she's stupid etc. There are 2 more major 'hurts' from my side. One is that my wife cannot physically have sexual intercourse. This is not a big deal for her, but it is for me. We do everything else, and are both great lovers. However, I yearn to HAVE my wife as my wife. She has now just recently solved this problem (was a physical-medical problem) but I have been hurt that it has taken her 5 years to get help for it, from when we discovered the problem. Its ok now, I understand that its embarrassing for her. But I still cant wait to make love to my wife. The second major hurt from my side is that in the past she withdraws from me. She will go home to visit family for a weekend, or go have a girls weekend with her friends. We have both admitted that we havnt given each other the time and effort the other deserves. Just before Christmas my wife yet again left to see her family- this time for a longer period of 5 days. While there in her hometown she went out with her friends as she usually does. I texted her saying that I felt she put all her friends and other people before me, and that its hurting me. (I now know that when she received the text she thought "I've been saying this exact same thing to him for months!!!) Then when she came back up, it was not time to see me, but to go to another catch up with friends that I was invited to. I left early, hurt that my wife didn't want to come back home with me and spend time. We had a big talk and fight that night, where she told me that she hadn't been happy for months. Everything came out. I told her I thought she had an affair with her workmate, she told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me etc etc. Turns out the affair never happened. Since then my wife has gone through a period of anger, and we had some time apart- I had Christmas day and the week before it on my own (due to me working and she went to be with her family); we had a tense New Years together with friends. We have been going to counselling, and my wife has stopped being angry, and is now in a state of numbness and deep sadness. She has been in this space for about 5 weeks now. I told her in a text the other day that we are going to be fine, that its tough now but our marriage is on the way up- with happiness and joy at the end of it. She replied "That is very hard to trust. I wish I had your hope, trust and energy. But I have nothing". My beautiful, fun loving wife is so sad around me. Counselling is so hard now, and she does not trust the counsellor, who is a male. The moment we talked about Mens and Womens needs and he said that men have a real need for sex, like women do for affection she glazed over. He did say that "denying sex for a man is like denying a woman affection". Her friends later told me she doesn't respect him now. She told me that she wants to stop because the other day he had an agenda when we came: "he wants us to stay together". Last week my wife decided that she needed to get out of the house, because she has been so down and just 'moping' about. She went out to town with some of her good girl mates, whom I love and trust. They just had a late meal and drank wine, then went for a quick dance and came home. I waited up for her and at 2am as she climbed into bed we had a quick talk about her night. I have been trying very hard over these last 3 months with affection and words of love and romantic gestures, and I thought "hmmmmmmm maybe tonight after a girls night out I might get some loving".....how wrong I was! She held my hand, and I turned over and reached for her. I thought I would at least get a hug. She instantly pretended to be asleep. I reached for her and touched her behind. I stroked her, but she continued to 'sleep'. I sighed, lay back and thought. Then I went and slept in the spare room. The next morning I talked with her and reminded her of the things we are supposed to be doing as our counselling homework: kind words and hugs. She told me she cant at the moment. I asked her to just try, she said she couldn't. I brought up an option she had talked about in counselling (which I was opposed to) of her moving to her friends place for some space. I asked if this is what she needed, or could she start giving me hugs and kind words- things I needed too! She moved out and asked for no contact. The following 5 days were very hard. We met up for an agreed counselling session, where the "agenda" by the counsellor was brought forward. Later she came back to our place, as we had not talked about her moving out or in or what! She said she felt she needed more time away. I told her I didn't think I could do more time apart like this, I needed at least a time frame or something. I told her that I missed her terribly, and she said she missed our house, our dog and me as a friend- she asked me if that is enough. I said I didn't know, but I'd take it. She said she would move back in, but asked for seperate rooms- so she could be home, but still have her space and time to think. That was 5 days ago, it is Easter and I am by myself, seeing some friends every now and then. My wife is with her family (whom I love and miss), keeping busy. Before she left she promised to read a book ("Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix) and write some things down over this time. Most of my friends are out of town, and I have all these days with no work, as we had previously organised time away and I took time off. In 3 days my wife is supposed to move back home after 11 days of being apart. I am missing her very much. I have written 4 songs for her, but am scared to tell her or show her (scared of pressuring her or pushing her away). I love my wife so much, and am committed to trying to get her back. She says she needs to do counselling on her own, so she can build herself up again and get strong. I am supportive of anything she needs. I just want things back on track. My wife feels that things have been hard in our relationship all along. I can see this, eg. We started of long distance- that was hard, and have had things happen ever since. I am an optimist, and I tend to focus on all the good times, and I try forget the hard times. Because she is so loving and sensitive, I think she tends to hold onto the hurts, and they build up and suffocate her. I know I have not met her emotional needs in the past, but I know that I can and will. I also know that I had such hurt over the jealousies of the 'affair'. I also know that I have a fear of abandonment that comes out in ways I have not been able to control in the past. I am scared, I am hopeful, I am sad, but I know without a doubt that she is the one I want to be with.

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