Hi guys. I've been lurking around here for a while, reading up on marriage in general I suppose. I'm a female in my late 20's, engaged to be married. We haven't set a date yet, and I'm starting to think we never will. Neither one of us has pushed for setting a date. Actually we haven't really discussed the wedding much at all. And I think that's either because: 1) we've been going through a very rough patch, or 2) he really doesn't want to get married. Or maybe it's both :(
This man likes to test my trust a bit. And our relationship is one of those passionate ones.. something of a love-hate relationship that can, at times, be a real downer. The dramatics are mostly my fault. As much as I love this guy, there are times when I just can't stand him. He'll do something little that upsets me, and everything he's ever done wrong, including some issues we've had with an ex girlfriend of his in the past, come rushing back to me. I throw a fit basically, and we fight. The fights are horrible. In those moments, I can't stand the sight of him. I pack his things. I say hurtful words. I push all his buttons. We throw things, slam doors, walk out, etc. Yet as bad as the fights are, we usually make up within hours. Never have we actually broken up for more than a day or so. But it's all taken its toll, has become a bad habit, and we're afraid we're addicted to or stuck in this cycle. When we make up, the chemicals between us fly and the "high" is something we get caught up in. We'll stay in and do nothing but have make-up sex for 3 days straight after a big blow out.
We're both so much alike. Similar upbringings. We both came from broken, but privileged homes where we were spoiled only children. We're both stubborn and quick to anger. We both like to get our way. Yet we both love each other like no one we've ever loved before. We are best friends. We trust each other with truths and secrets we've never told anyone else before. We can be vulnerable with each other, and we're always open and honest. We fight so much because we don't hold anything in. He is less crazy than I am though, lol. Has a little more control. I'm almost always the one who starts the fighting, and it's always because at the time, I feel I deserve "better".. even though realistically, I know there is NO ONE better for me out there than him.
I've always had some personality issues. I've always disliked or feared the thought of abandonment, and tend to ruin friendships and relationships before the other person has a chance to hurt me. I've always been quick to anger and my reactions to things can be over-the-top. My moods can change in an instant. I've gotten much better with age though, and before this guy I was able to have calm and stable relationships. But something about my fiance really woke me up emotionally. Before him I was always a little aloof, a little cold and a little uncaring in relationships. I hadn't experienced love like this.. Never had I cared for a boyfriend so deeply.
I've tried therapy and even medications in the past (my doctor seemed to think I would benefit from anit-depressants) but those didn't seem to help. Therapy would leave me feeling drained and confused, and medications made me ACTUALLY depressed and even angry, apathetic and mean.
Now I'm scared he regrets asking me to marry him. He was married once before in his early 20's, and his wife at the time cheated on him. I know he trusts me completely, as I've never done anything to break or even slightly bend that trust, but still I'm sure he fears things going wrong, infidelity and/or another divorce. When we met 3 years ago, neither one of us thought we'd get married in the future. But as we fell so deeply in love, that changed. He proposed and I knew I was meant to be with him for the long haul.
Breaking up isn't something I'm considering. There is never any physical violence, and as bad as we fight, our good times are great. He is wonderful to me. Patient and more understanding of me than anyone I've ever known. Probably because we are so much a like. He says I'm his soul mate.. his female self. I'm working on my issues, and it's a long road. Bless him, he has stuck by me through this all. I know he loves me more than anything. He's proved it time and time again. But I understand why he may be scared to make this commitment. Things got to be their worst after he proposed, and prior to that we were doing very, very well.
So I guess I'm asking for some suggestions on how to to turn this around. How I can learn to move on from his past mistakes and let go of old fights. I love him so much that every little thing he does that upsets me nearly breaks my heart. I know it's wrong and crazy. I know. My friends and family tell me that this sort of thing is normal. That passionate relationships include a lot of fighting, but that simply means we love each other that much to fight the way we do. I don't know if I buy that exactly. The fights cause a lot of pain. But I also know that there is hope for us. He has always worked hard on himself and improved when need be. We've made it through some things that would tear other couples apart. We may be on a bumpy road, but we're also very strong.
I'm also wondering if I should not bring up marriage or the wedding for a while, until things have gotten better. I have no problem with this. He clearly isn't rushing into it, and by not ever really talking about it, I can tell he's sort of putting it off. We did have a talk about it recently, and he just said, "Of course I want to marry you. Whenever you want to get married, we will!" But I know him so well. I could tell he was just being nice. Saying what I wanted to hear. I could sense the tension under the surface.
Also, how long of a sort of "peace period" should we go through to know it's going to stick? The last thing I ever want to do is make him feel pressured into marrying me when our relationship is as rocky as it has been.
Sorry this got so long. Thank you to those who read and reply.
This man likes to test my trust a bit. And our relationship is one of those passionate ones.. something of a love-hate relationship that can, at times, be a real downer. The dramatics are mostly my fault. As much as I love this guy, there are times when I just can't stand him. He'll do something little that upsets me, and everything he's ever done wrong, including some issues we've had with an ex girlfriend of his in the past, come rushing back to me. I throw a fit basically, and we fight. The fights are horrible. In those moments, I can't stand the sight of him. I pack his things. I say hurtful words. I push all his buttons. We throw things, slam doors, walk out, etc. Yet as bad as the fights are, we usually make up within hours. Never have we actually broken up for more than a day or so. But it's all taken its toll, has become a bad habit, and we're afraid we're addicted to or stuck in this cycle. When we make up, the chemicals between us fly and the "high" is something we get caught up in. We'll stay in and do nothing but have make-up sex for 3 days straight after a big blow out.
We're both so much alike. Similar upbringings. We both came from broken, but privileged homes where we were spoiled only children. We're both stubborn and quick to anger. We both like to get our way. Yet we both love each other like no one we've ever loved before. We are best friends. We trust each other with truths and secrets we've never told anyone else before. We can be vulnerable with each other, and we're always open and honest. We fight so much because we don't hold anything in. He is less crazy than I am though, lol. Has a little more control. I'm almost always the one who starts the fighting, and it's always because at the time, I feel I deserve "better".. even though realistically, I know there is NO ONE better for me out there than him.
I've always had some personality issues. I've always disliked or feared the thought of abandonment, and tend to ruin friendships and relationships before the other person has a chance to hurt me. I've always been quick to anger and my reactions to things can be over-the-top. My moods can change in an instant. I've gotten much better with age though, and before this guy I was able to have calm and stable relationships. But something about my fiance really woke me up emotionally. Before him I was always a little aloof, a little cold and a little uncaring in relationships. I hadn't experienced love like this.. Never had I cared for a boyfriend so deeply.
I've tried therapy and even medications in the past (my doctor seemed to think I would benefit from anit-depressants) but those didn't seem to help. Therapy would leave me feeling drained and confused, and medications made me ACTUALLY depressed and even angry, apathetic and mean.
Now I'm scared he regrets asking me to marry him. He was married once before in his early 20's, and his wife at the time cheated on him. I know he trusts me completely, as I've never done anything to break or even slightly bend that trust, but still I'm sure he fears things going wrong, infidelity and/or another divorce. When we met 3 years ago, neither one of us thought we'd get married in the future. But as we fell so deeply in love, that changed. He proposed and I knew I was meant to be with him for the long haul.
Breaking up isn't something I'm considering. There is never any physical violence, and as bad as we fight, our good times are great. He is wonderful to me. Patient and more understanding of me than anyone I've ever known. Probably because we are so much a like. He says I'm his soul mate.. his female self. I'm working on my issues, and it's a long road. Bless him, he has stuck by me through this all. I know he loves me more than anything. He's proved it time and time again. But I understand why he may be scared to make this commitment. Things got to be their worst after he proposed, and prior to that we were doing very, very well.
So I guess I'm asking for some suggestions on how to to turn this around. How I can learn to move on from his past mistakes and let go of old fights. I love him so much that every little thing he does that upsets me nearly breaks my heart. I know it's wrong and crazy. I know. My friends and family tell me that this sort of thing is normal. That passionate relationships include a lot of fighting, but that simply means we love each other that much to fight the way we do. I don't know if I buy that exactly. The fights cause a lot of pain. But I also know that there is hope for us. He has always worked hard on himself and improved when need be. We've made it through some things that would tear other couples apart. We may be on a bumpy road, but we're also very strong.
I'm also wondering if I should not bring up marriage or the wedding for a while, until things have gotten better. I have no problem with this. He clearly isn't rushing into it, and by not ever really talking about it, I can tell he's sort of putting it off. We did have a talk about it recently, and he just said, "Of course I want to marry you. Whenever you want to get married, we will!" But I know him so well. I could tell he was just being nice. Saying what I wanted to hear. I could sense the tension under the surface.
Also, how long of a sort of "peace period" should we go through to know it's going to stick? The last thing I ever want to do is make him feel pressured into marrying me when our relationship is as rocky as it has been.
Sorry this got so long. Thank you to those who read and reply.
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