I don't want to go into details about what my wife did. Bottom line is she had a 6 month affair 4 years ago with a friend of ours. They called it off on their own and I was none the wiser. We moved out of state about 1.5 years ago. This last summer when she went home she reached out to him again. Supposedly nothing physically happened, though they were up to all hours texting and talking on the phone. During this 1 month visit home while I was back in our new state and home she told me she wanted a divorce. Though I knew things were not going the best for us I was completely broadsided. I flew out the next day and tried to sit with her and reason with her. Finally I got out of her that she had had an EA with him and she was done being miserable in our marriage and wanted to pursue a relationship where she would be happy. Over a series of events during the next week she decided she would stay and we would get counseling when we returned from vacation. Once home I confronted her. I told her it was time to be 100% honest and tell me everything. At that point she told me she had a 6 month A 4 years ago.
It has now been 6 weeks since DDay. We are in counseling and working towards saving our marriage. We have been married 18 years now and have 4 children, who we don't think know anything.
I love my wife to death. I do see the remorse and she is working her tail off to prove to me how sorry she is and how much she wants to make this work. I don't know if I can do this. I know this is a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. But every time I kiss her, or touch her or her me thoughts of him pop into my head. She keeps encouraging me to talk to her about how I am feeling. She tells me to let it rip, tear into her, let it out. At the same time I don't want to. We have had a very rough marriage and there has been so much hurt. I am so tired of the hurt. I am so tired of beating each other up. That is how we ended up in this place to begin with, never letting go, always trying to one up the other one until finally one of us took that fatal step. I am done with hurting each other, aside from the fact that there is nothing I can do to her at this point to one-up her, I am just done causing pain. I want to move forward and heal. I want to rebuild.
Here is the problem though. I cant deal with the thoughts of them together. I cant deal with trying to be intimate or just affectionate and seeing him there, thinking about everything she has done with him. Knowing that she gave herself to him. How do I get past this? Will these thoughts ever be gone? I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life. It scares me because I have no desire to leave her. I love her and know that this is where I want to be. I see what she is doing and how hard she is working to make us better. We are better relationship wise than we have been since we got married.
Do these thoughts ever go away? How do you get past them? Does this ever heal? Or do I just have to deal with this for the rest of my marriage? I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
It has now been 6 weeks since DDay. We are in counseling and working towards saving our marriage. We have been married 18 years now and have 4 children, who we don't think know anything.
I love my wife to death. I do see the remorse and she is working her tail off to prove to me how sorry she is and how much she wants to make this work. I don't know if I can do this. I know this is a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. But every time I kiss her, or touch her or her me thoughts of him pop into my head. She keeps encouraging me to talk to her about how I am feeling. She tells me to let it rip, tear into her, let it out. At the same time I don't want to. We have had a very rough marriage and there has been so much hurt. I am so tired of the hurt. I am so tired of beating each other up. That is how we ended up in this place to begin with, never letting go, always trying to one up the other one until finally one of us took that fatal step. I am done with hurting each other, aside from the fact that there is nothing I can do to her at this point to one-up her, I am just done causing pain. I want to move forward and heal. I want to rebuild.
Here is the problem though. I cant deal with the thoughts of them together. I cant deal with trying to be intimate or just affectionate and seeing him there, thinking about everything she has done with him. Knowing that she gave herself to him. How do I get past this? Will these thoughts ever be gone? I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life. It scares me because I have no desire to leave her. I love her and know that this is where I want to be. I see what she is doing and how hard she is working to make us better. We are better relationship wise than we have been since we got married.
Do these thoughts ever go away? How do you get past them? Does this ever heal? Or do I just have to deal with this for the rest of my marriage? I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
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