Anxiety or awkwardness or what?

I'm finding it so difficult to talk to people at the moment. I really thought I'd improved over the last year and a half but I feel I've hit rock bottom recently, possibly worse than I ever have been. I thought this was all something that I could leave behind with my early teenage years and later adolescence, but I'm entering adulthood now without change. I'm fine at work, I don't talk much but when I need to I can, to the extent that my colleagues probably think I'm a bit quiet but otherwise fine. But in social situations, with people my own age, my mind is completely blank and I become devoid of all communication, even among friends. It feels like I physically can't say anything at all, even if I could think of something to say. I don't know if this is social phobia or not because I do not feel any anxiety. I'm not really bothered about what people think of me just as long as their opinions of me are justified. I do feel very awkward and uncomfortable though- it's almost like an energy of some kind. I don't know where to stand or who to stand with, how to position myself. People are kind enough to me but I know I'm considered to be "the quiet one" and I feel completely distant from everyone. Totally alone. I think a few people are starting to give up on me and I don't blame them. I can't help but feel alone. I have nobody to confide in about all this. Nobody really understands. I can't even talk to my friends properly anymore. I have plenty of friends but not really any FRIENDS, if you see what I mean. I think genuine kindness and friendliness from others has been replaced by sympathy, and I'm not looking for that, I'm looking for understanding. I'm not a complete social recluse, I play in a football team and I'm in a drama group but I have no real connection with anybody at all. It's crushing. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself when there are millions of people all around the world facing battles I could never even contemplate, but it's safe to say I'm feeling pretty dejected at the moment. Am I awkward? What can I do?

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