Need Advice - Stay or go (long)

Never posted on a site before but really could use some good advice. Here is my situation. I found out in early June my wife was having an affair with a work colleague for the past 18 months when they traveled together on business (physically meeting up 1x per month and talking basically daily). We have been married 13 years with 3 kids 12,5 and 3. This is her second affair - she had one about a decade ago that we moved on from but in retrospect never addressed the underlying problem. We live a good life - not that it should matter but we both have very good jobs and are well off financially. We have moved across the county together for my work and lived in some great places. I think she likes our life together. The last 3 weeks have been pure hell. The first week I spent half the time consoling her because she was so distraught and I was basically in shock. That made me feel like the last time - that we can recover from this. Now I think most of her despair was that she is a perfectionist who couldn't deal with the fact that she did this and there was a possibility she could lose her job and family. As time goes by that doesn't seem likely and she seems back to being closer to herself. She has always been a no BS person and I have not handled this well. I have been talking about this non-stop and have been very upset and emotional, going from being fine to basically just crying and being sad all the time. I think she has lost all respect for me. It is just so difficult to not talk about it - it is eating me alive. It has definitely pushed her away. After all this we seem to have gotten to the root of the problem - she now tells me that she doesn't have any passion or desire for me and hasn't basically since we first got married and she was pregnant with our oldest child. I will admit I wasn't the best husband at the time and she felt ignored for years and now she claims she wanted to leave me then but felt trapped. 10 years later she says that is what led to the first affair - she has a need for desire and passion but just not with me. We have never had a very active sex life and I guess I should have figured this out years ago but I had no idea this was the case. Now she can't even kiss or hug me. She has always been very passive aggressive and I think she has a ton of resentment towards me and has since the very beginning. It has been smoldering for years and now is just bursting through. Now when we talk she is aggressive, angry, shows no empathy towards me or the kids about this situation etc. She claims she is just being honest now but her anger is palpable - it actually is helping me some - why would I stay with someone like that who basically despises me and has no respect for me? We went to see a MC last week and talked about a lack of intimacy. However after all this time I am just not sure how to come back from this. The MC suggested that we do more to invest in the relationship with dates etc. but it just seems forced with someone who has no desire to be with me. And isn't a physical issue. I have always stayed in shape, if anything I am in better shape now in my early 40s then I was in my 20s. Plus she is still going through withdrawal longing for the OM - who is married, 15 years older then her, totally out of shape and a serial philanderer who broke off communication with her as soon as his wife found out. I even warned her about him when she started working with him on projects because I knew about his past. Last night while we were shopping and trying to do something normal I just lost it when she said she still missed him and basically told her she needs to think about who is still here trying to help her and not someone who dropped h er like a bad habit as soon as he was found out. I am just not sure what to do. The logical part of me tells me that this isn't fixable, there is no way to get the passion back from our dating years and I should be an adult, stop the whining and move on with my life. I consulted with an attorney last week and am strongly considering filing for divorce. I am not sure if I should or if I should give this more time and hope that as time goes by she sorts out her emotions and stops longing for the OM. I do love her more than anything in my life and I don't want to break up my family. I love our life together. I think she would stay with me for the kids sake in some form of an open marriage if we can't resolve the intimacy issues but I am not doing that. She wants her cake and eat it to. I am also trying to sort out whether or not my concern is fear of being alone or really about her. I feel like at my age (early 40s) I can find someone else that may actually want to be with me. Not some fake marriage that will end the minute our youngest is off the college (that is what her parents did). I think it is at least worth a shot vs. staying in something that has basically been a fraud for 13 years. I don't want to waste my time in a hopeless situation. I worry about my kids but I think I can at least get 50-50 shared custody and am hoping that will still allow me to be a father to them which really is the most important issue to me. I am really torn on what to do and would appreciate any advice.

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