NO DESIRE for sex after multiple ddays

While my husband is doing tons of heavy-lifting and everything right, I have lost practically all my sexual desire for him. I'm trying to have it at least once or twice a week because he deserves it with how much he is trying to change his life and our relationship for the better. But I dread it. And I cry after it every time. Seriously, I dread sex. It's so sad. I don't want to think about it. I wish sex never existed and caused me all this heartbreak. I know this sounds pathetic, but I really am indifferent to sex after multiple ddays. Perhaps it's the armor that I repeatedly built around my heart each time he crushed my world. Maybe it just takes time for those layers of protection to dissolve. Is that it? Or is it that I no longer find him that admirable prince I once believed him to be? Is it that he is tainted and less attractive in my eyes? Sometimes I sense that I lost a lot of respect for him. My estimation of him took a major hit, and it is affecting my attraction to him. Honestly, I find him much less handsome now than I did pre-dday even though there has been little real physical change in his appearance. I don't think it's triggers of imagining what he would do with someone else while we are having sex. Perhaps it is more this sense of my own not being enough. My self-esteem has taken a major hit. I've suffered depression in the past and was bulimic (yes gross) in high-school and my first years as an undergrad. I really got past all of that misery and found happiness and contentment. Years of positive attitudes towards this one life to be lived passed. But now I've returned to that dark place filled with discontent with life and with myself. I'm so miserable and I've been turning to food. I'm so stressed with grad school and this and I don't have any motivation to be beautiful. I'd rather enjoy pizza than make myself pretty. Pretty for what? I think I've gained twenty pounds since I met my husband - ten since this heartbreak. I don't want to fall into the eating disorder world. But I can't seem to do it the healthy way. And I have no sexual confidence in bed. Worse, there's no motivation. I guess this is a vent. But it's also an opening for a discussion on the internal battles being waged by BSs in the realm of sex and desire. Is there anyone else out there who did NOT experience wild sexual bonding during R after multiple ddays? Is there anyone else who has lost sexual desire for their WS even though there WS is incredibly remorseful and doing everything right? If you experienced this, did it get better? How much longer until that attraction returns? I can't believe I chose a man who would do this to me. Who would complicate my life and beliefs in the goodness of man. I'm another failure in the history of heartbreak. Will my heart turn around?:confused:

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