Emotional Abuse

There are thousands of web pages out there describing emotional abuse. I came across this one, and found it to be quite a bit more insightful than most, which usually state the more obvious signs like name calling, yelling, isolating, etc. This article explains somewhat more subtle (and therefore more difficult to detect even if you're the victim) types of emotional abuse. Types of Emotional Abuse Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing. Aggressing Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance. Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. Denying Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about, " etc. Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment." Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of themselves and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from their own. Minimizing Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted. Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing. Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience. Here's a link to the entire article if anyone's interested. Counseling Center » Emotional Abuse Another article very succinctly describes the effect emotional abuse has on the victim: Results of Verbal and Emotional Abuse, from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness: A distrust of her spontaneity A loss of enthusiasm An uncertainty about how she is coming across A concern that something is wrong with her An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong A loss of self-confidence A growing self-doubt An internalized critical voice A concern that she isn't happier and ought to be An anxiety or fear of being crazy A sense that time is passing and she's missing something A desire not to be the way she is, e.g. "too sensitive," etc. A hesitancy to accept her perceptions A reluctance to come to conclusions A tendency to live in the future, e.g. "Everything will be great when/after ..." A desire to escape or run away A distrust of future relationships When I read this list, it hit me like a ton of bricks how well it describes me. Just thought I'd share some enlightening info for anyone else who might be wondering WTF is happening to them.

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