Losing my mind...

So let me start somewhere close to the beginning of where this all began for me. I have been married to my husband for just over 2 years now, I was 20 when we got married & we had been together for 3-4 years before we got married. He was always a bit of a flirt, which is how he managed to get me to go out with him & move out of home with him at 16. (And before anyone gets ahead of themselves - I chose to move out of home, he wasn't using or manipulating me, I knew what I was doing & I wanted to get out of my parents house because I couldn't live with them any longer! If anything, I used him so I could move out of home!) Anyway, after we got married (approximately 8 months after) my husband had an affair with someone in our area. (We live in a small country community) I didn't know the OW at the time, however before I found out my husband tried to get me, her & her husband to all be friends. Which (at the time) was fine because I actually thought they/she were really nice people. Apparently they'd had this affair before I was introduced to her & they had realised it was a stupid thing to do (there was alcohol involved) & they apparently went to have a "chat" to agree that it shouldn't have happened the first time & it won't happen again.. but that just turned into another session (again, more alcohol). Skipping over a few of the details (because I'm still bitter about it & currently working myself up even thinking about it), I found out (by mistake) that they had not only been having an affair, but also emailing each other behind both mine & the OW's husband's back. I confronted my husband about the emails & demanded he told me the truth even though I already what was going on but didn't want to believe it. He reluctantly told me that they'd slept together & my whole world came crashing down around me. I felt like someone had tried to stab me in the chest however my heart had already been ripped out & smashed on the ground. I was in complete despair & disbelief that I couldn't conjure any words, only tears & screams. Side Notes: - The OW's husband still has no idea that any of this even happened! - The OW is practically twice my age (40), with 3 kids of her own!! - My husband still wanted the both of us (him & me) to be friends with the OW after I found out. - I still see the OW around the community every now & again. Needless to say I (just turned) 23 & am dealing with some big problems on my own whilst my "friends" are off hooking up with random people & getting drunk & drugged up every weekend. We had some counselling when I found out as I couldn't deal with any of it, I was catatonic the majority of the time for about a year. I could barely eat anything & if I tried to then it made me throw up, I couldn't even keep water down (the only thing I managed to keep down was alcohol!), I barely slept but when I did I was having nightmares, I couldn't do my job or hold a conversation, I was having hallucinations, I could barley get myself out of bed & dressed in the morning & was severely depressed & suicidal. After seeing a Dr he put me on anti-depressants combined with visits to my counselor & I slowly began to claw back at my sanity. I still struggle & fall back into old destructive patterns, but I'm trying to work my way through this never-ending turmoil. Apart from the obvious destruction this situation has caused I have been trying to deal with this situation alone. I am no longer seeing my counselor, no longer on medication (although sometimes I think I should be) & none of my friends ask how I am. (I told some of them about it when I found out & they would check up on me, however they don't do that anymore. It's like they've completely forgotten about it & even make inappropriate jokes which they don't remember are inappropriate until I remind them!) One thing that I'm currently trying to work out/deal with is that I have noticed recently that I seem to be wanting male attention. My husband is currently harvesting which means he's not home a lot, however I've been feeling like this since before he started harvesting. Even if he gives me attention it doesn't seem to matter, I still want attention from other males. I don't think I could do the same thing he's done to me, even though (to be honest) I have thought & fantacised about it. My husband has been my only sexual partner & of course you fantacise about it being so young & only ever being with 1 person. I don't understand why I feel like I want this other attention - whether it's because I'd feel like I was "getting back" at my husband for what he's put me through (which he expects me to do & told me that it wouldn't surprise him if I did the same thing), or just because I want to feel loved/needed/special again. So many of these thoughts are trapped in my mind all day & I can't seem to get them out. I have no-one to turn to & I don't understand why this happened or how I feel, or why he would do something like that with someone twice my age??

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