Divorce or separation? Complicated

hello I'm a 38 yr Navy male going through a separation and possible divorce. I been married for nearly 7 years. this is my first marriage, and i have no kids. This is her second marriage and she has no kids. We were happy for nearly 3-4 years. I am a physician, and started my residency approximately 3 years ago. For those who are not familiar with residency, its hell. Endless hours in the hospital, working hard, studying, stress, lack of sleep. I graduate in 2 months. I always been a quiet closed off person. With my wife not so, i thought she was my best friend. but she would have preferred I was more open. This wasn't necessarily a problem before I started my residency. we were stationed on a beautiful pacific location for 3 years prior to residency and life was great. we traveled a lot, and had lots of fun...so flaws in communication and our marriage weren't necessarily glaring then due to the good times. now it is hell. I struggled during residency. i was never the smartest physician, so I had to work extra hard. that meant lots of studying. I also became depressed. I took less care of myself, looked like a slob, gained 10-15 pounds etc... I also been cold to my wife, I "checked out" as she puts it. Perhaps residency, and depression had to do with it. I figured that once we get through the residency training we could get out of here and rekindle our marriage. I even submitted a request to go back to that island where we were happy....so I figured it would work out right? Not necessarily. I found out last month she was having an affair with a married man. I found out by hacking in her computer, I felt something wasn't right. In her laptop I found pictures, and daily emails. In her emails i see how much she loved this other guy who seduced her. he "satisfied" her physically and emotionally. he won't necessarily leave his wife for her yet, but they were talking about it. Ugly details for me, it hurt me really bad. Seeing the pictures, the details (they were intimate during our marriage day while I was working trauma in the hospital). I confronted her and she was numb. She didn't want to leave me yet, says she made a mistake. but she says she loves me, but wasn't in love with me. I realized that she felt numb with me, doesn't have feelings for me. I demanded that she cut the other guy off and tried to confront him but she wouldn't offer his name and details. They did see each other a few times after i found out and confronted her but states that they weren't intimate I still love her, and I admit I was a crappy husband and was depressed. I went to see a therapist and my priest. I feel better, and realized that I had comunication issues, and had some baseline anxiety issues. I am working on those now. She is seeing her own therapist. Says she has a LOT of resentment for me...saying that "I wasted 3 years of her life". she still has feelings for the other guy. When I found out about the affair I bugged her phone. I listened to her speak to her friends about how she was waiting for me and the other woman to move on, so she can be with her lover. So the complicated part is this. I graduate from my residency in 2 months and have orders to go to a beautiful island in the pacific (same place where we had our memories). She is adamant she doesn't want to come. She says let me stay here for 6 months and "I need to time to work on myself" I asked her doesn't she want to work and save our marriage? She says yes, but she needs to work on herself first. She has a lot of hatred and resentment for me on how I treated her the last couple years. I am sorry for that, but i went through hell. So she wants me to go in July, and she will wait here till december and think about it. And if she can work on herself, she will come back and be with me. she wants to sign a 6 month lease. She has a stable job here and good friends and doesn't want to lose that as well. She is putting herself in front of the marriage. Plus the other guy is here...:mad: He knows I'm watching him like a hawk, and that If i leave he will move in again. so what do I ? I'm young, good looking "maybe single" physician. Part of me wants to go and just forget her and meet new people. Have adventures and travel. we talked about divorce, and she states that she wouldn't want anything other than some of the furniture. That she doesn't care about the house or car etc... we have cats, and can have them. Could I be happier with someone else, part of me says yes. i love my wife, but the hurt she did to me was horrific. I dont know if I can trust her again.... Do I confront the other guy and his wife. She is oblivious to this. Part of me wants to do this for revenge. Do I let her wait for 6 months in the mainland while I'm at guam? decisions decisions....i guess the good thing in this crisis is that i snapped. I lost the weight, became sharp with work, going to a beautiful island with potential to make money. but i love her....

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