insecurities, trust issues, and no self esteem...

I have serious issues with insecurity and trust, and I don't know how to let go. My husband and I got married almost 10 years ago (I was 22, he was 25), 3 months after our wedding my father passed away, and it destroyed my world. My husband didn't know how to talk to me, I cried constantly, and just wanted to be alone. I ended up on anti depressants, which was a huge help, and things started getting better. Then, I find out he had been talking to this girl he was friends with more than usual, lots of calls and texts. I also know this girl had a crush on him. He promised me he was just talking to her because he couldn't talk to me and didn't know how to deal with it. He admitted that her being nice to him made him feel good about himself because he felt like I hated him. I told him that was not fair, he didn't know what it was like to lose a parent, and he could be a little more concerned with my feelings over his ego. He promised me nothing physical ever happened between them, my mom and sister talked to him and they believed him. Still, I felt betrayed by him for talking to this girl behind my back esp. right after I lost a parent. This is the only guy I have ever had 100% trust in and now that is gone. I don't trust anyone and I'm extremely insecure. I told him I wanted to start over and get new wedding rings, which he agreed to, and I thought that would make me feel better but since it was my idea, it didn't. I feel like I kept making him do things to make me feel special, but since they were my ideas, it never worked. He has been a great husband since then and we get along great now, but I just can't let it go, I'm always afraid I'm going to find him talking to another girl because if I wasn't good enough once, I just might not be good enough again, or if I let my guard down then I will get hurt again. Now, our 10 year anniversary is next month, we had planned on renewing our vows in our favorite city, something we both wanted to do. Well, the money we planned on using is now not going to be here in time because a girl at the bank messed up our account. I'm furious, and we have been fighting for a week over this. It's something I really want and feel like I need since it's not something I forced on him, and now it isn't gonna happen. He said he would try to borrow the money and then pay it back, but now that I've fought with him for a week over it, it's starting to feel like I'm forcing it on him. I just want this feeling that I'm not good enough and not special to go away, I have no s elf esteem at all, and it is a horrible feeling.... :( How do you just let go?

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