I feel kinda lost... thank you

Hi all, I've been wondering about my situation for the past few months and I haven't had a day where I don't think about it. This has been driving me crazy and I feel kinda desperate. I would appreciate any input you guys may have, I just because I'm not sure where to turn to at this point and maybe some anonymous help might be the thing. It all began last summer, my girlfriend was planning a trip to New York to see if she can get into graduate school and change her future because she is very insecure about her future career. The month before she left, I got really bad seafood poisoning and was in bed for a week. I asked her to take care of me but she said she was busy with the application processes and other stuff. I was really hurt by this since I always took care of her whens he was sick. I got very hurt and angry, so I iced her out and refused to talk to her. She left for New York, and its the first time she ever did anything like this. I wasn't there to see her off or anything. At this point I still felt abandoned and didn't want to say anything yet. At this point from what she has told me, she felt like she wouldn't have come home to a boyfriend. So she cheated on me with a guy she met there. I know more about him than she knows, she cheated on me at this point. We got in contact because she stopped to visit family in a different state and she was honest with me on what happened. We broke up. In short she got stuck in a different state trying to make it on her own and spent three months keeping her sane because I felt bad for treating her like s***. She did love me a lot before and I felt I owe her better gratitude. I spent several months trying to mend this broken relationship and we're back together though she was very hesitant to do so. She says she loves me with much of her heart as of now. What is putting me in a personal hell, when we broke up she decided to peruse the guy she slept with but what she told me, they ended up not clicking well. So they seems they are just close friends for now and a contact to get out there. At this point I'm not sure how to feel, it's putting me in a personal hell everyday. Everything that has happened seems like it is a grey area. There is a piece of me that feels like I did deserve what happened to me and there is a side of me that doesn't deserve it. Does anyone deserve it? Can I really forgive? At this point I'm struggling everyday with trusting her and I hate it. I'm afraid. Do I deserve it? The way I see it so far was Karma, I haven't been the perfect boyfriend in the past (partly to fix some of my deeper insecurities), and I've been a real jerk before too, but she has forgiven me for stuff before too. I'm not sure how to feel, there are moments where I want to break away but I still love her (quite a bit it seems). What should I do? Thank you all.

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